Written by Miracle Okah
I am not a lesbian, but every time I tell a man that I am bicurious, I notice the way his eyes light up; it is like a switch has flipped. All of a sudden, it is no longer about me but what he imagines I might do with other women. Some will even ask if I am open to a threesome and to be honest, I feel grossed out.
What does my sexual curiosity have to do with him? If I chose to explore my desire with a woman, it is simply because of my connection to her, not because I want to be part of some man’s sexual daydream.
This isn’t just about me, and I am not the only one; a lot of bisexual and lesbian women also experience this. In fact, I once read a post by a lesbian on Reddit who said that men still hit on her and push for sex even after she tells them she is not interested. Someone else also commented on how straight men would intentionally show up to lesbian bars and ask women out like they were hunting prey. It is like the idea of being “off-limits” only makes us appealing, and to them, it is just another challenge or an invitation to press harder.
This brings me to something we don’t talk about often, and that is how straight men fetishise lesbianism while being openly disgusted by gay men. The double standard is so glaring and one thing I would love to quickly point out is how queerness is only acceptable when it centres on the straight male gaze.
Let me explain.
In 1975, feminist film theorist Laura Mulvey introduced the concept of the male gaze in her essay titled Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema.
She wrote, “In a world ordered by sexual imbalance, pleasure in looking has been split between active/male and passive/female. The determining male gaze projects its phantasy onto the female figure, which is styled accordingly. In their traditional exhibitionist role, women are simultaneously looked at and displayed, with their appearance coded for strong visual and erotic impact so that they can be said to connote “to-be-looked-at-ness”.
Here, Laura described the male gaze as the way media and film have trained us to see women and the world itself from a man’s perspective. Now in this setup, men are positioned as the viewers and women are the spectacle. We are not fully given autonomy. Instead, we are put on display and presented as erotic appeal for heterosexual male audiences. This way, women are not seen but are styled, controlled and sold for straight men’s consumption.
So when a woman says, “Oh, I am into other women,” the average straight man does not see it as an expression of her identity; he sees it as a show, you know, an opportunity to watch and enjoy.
This explains why lesbian porn is one of the most popular categories on porn sites. These men may not support LGBTQ+ rights or same-sex relationships but they love the idea of two women together and that is not queerness; it is fantasy.
A 2010 thesis by Kristin Puhl titled “The Eroticization of Lesbianism by Heterosexual Men” backs this up. She found that straight men placed as much erotic value on lesbianism as lesbians themselves but for entirely different reasons. To them, it was not about understanding or solidarity with women; it was about their own desire.
Kristin wrote, “It is not lesbianism as homosexuality that is eroticised, but rather, lesbianism as sexual interaction between two feminine, gender-conforming women. The components of lesbianism—femininity and homosexuality—do not contribute equally to eroticisation. Femaleness is associated with eroticisation, while homosexuality is not.”
In other words, men are not really drawn to same-gender love; it is the women they care about. They can only tolerate queer people only when they are feminine, sexy and available to them.
Her research also showed that the more hostile sexist attitudes a man holds, the more likely he is to eroticise lesbianism. That tells us everything. The more a man devalues women as people, the more he values them as objects of desire.
When a man sees women as objects and not as people, he can’t understand queerness unless it includes him. To him, lesbianism is just another genre of porn, where the idea of two women loving each other is lost and reduced to another scene for voyeuristic pleasure.
I believe this also explains why gay men don’t receive the same treatment because when a man is sexually attracted to another man, there is no room for a straight viewer. There is no woman to perform for him, there is no opening he can insert himself into and that is when disgust comes in.
Kristen noted that heterosexual male participants in her study rated gay male sex as far more “repulsive” than lesbian sex. This is because they imagined lesbian women as open and maybe even available to men but gay men are closed off, uninterested and inaccessible. So again, it has nothing to do with queerness but everything to do with control and access.
When a lesbian is not seen for her real identity, as opposed to a gay man, straight men start to believe it is not real. That is why they try to convince themselves that they can convert a lesbian. Some even go as far as saying, “Her sexuality is a phase” or “It is because she has not had the right dick.”
This whole thought process is not just insulting but also dangerous because it robs the validity of queer women’s identities and choices. Men feel entitled, and they do this at the expense of women’s autonomy.
You will hardly see a woman trying to fix a gay man or convince him that he just needs to find the right woman. This is because we are not taught to believe that men’s sexuality exists for us. But for men, porn, media and even culture have made them believe that a woman’s sexuality should always be accessible, even when we say no or we are not interested.
The reason why a straight man watches lesbian porn is not because he is queer or he is interested in their relationships; it is just him chasing a self-serving illusion. He holds the belief that the entire action revolves around him, despite his physical absence. What is worse is that the women in these scenes are scripted to be sexually available and to perform for the male viewers. The women do not need to love each other or even be real lesbians; they just need to look good doing it.
But lesbianism is not a performance or kink; it is not a trend to flirt with when it benefits a man’s sexual fixation. It is an identity, a journey, a lived experience born from a woman’s need for safety and belonging. So when straight men reduce it to sexual entertainment, they are disrespecting queer women and normalising a culture where women’s sexuality is never really ours and that has to change.
Like I said earlier, I am not a lesbian, but every time I talk about my curiosity with women, I am reminded of how quickly straight men like to centre themselves in it. That is why I have taken it upon myself to turn the tables and shift the conversation. So when a man asks if I am into threesomes, I ask if he means with another man instead of another woman. I always enjoy the instant disgust on his face and that tells me everything I need to know.
If I find myself in a similar situation again, I will gladly call it what it is, straight to their face: fetishisation. I am not here to entertain any man; this is personal and it will never be up for negotiation. I believe the more we name this behaviour for what it is, the less power it has.
About the Author
Miracle Okah is the first daughter of two teachers. She initially dreamed of becoming a doctor but ultimately found her true calling in writing, where she discovered the power of words over stethoscopes. Passionate about African literature and amplifying the voices of Black women, her work has been featured in Amaka Studio, Black Ballad, Better to Speak, Black Girl X, and beyond. She is on the writing track for the 2025 Adventures Creators Programme.
