Written by Nobuhle . N Nyoni
‘It’s crazy how things just end – years of loving and being present for each other changed by one confession. I guess Dr T is right. I have to allow myself to let it go. It’s easier to say when I am in my bedroom. It is a different story when I see her at school. It sucks. Anyway, let me check on my boyfriend.’
She picked up her phone to message him, but as she was typing, he called her. It made her smile. She loved talking to him. He was sweet and respectful of her. He cared, and it made it easy for her to reciprocate. Her weekends were filled with conversations with him, reading books, and watching reality TV shows.
Monday morning, she woke up feeling wet. She wiggled with joy in her bed because she knew that it was her period.
‘Finally! Miss Red, you had me worried for a minute there. I was starting to think I was pregnant. I have officially entered the phase where that is my worry. It makes me wonder how many girls are going through it, too. I am still afraid of sharing with anyone, so we will keep it between us, right, Miss Red?’
She hopped out of bed to get ready for school. Drawing down her underwear, she noticed that the blood stains weren’t as red as they usually were. They gave off a bright red colour. She brushed it off and assumed it was just first-day droplets. She showered and prepped for school.
‘I can’t believe tomorrow is the last day of school. I won’t see my boyfriend for a month since they are travelling for most of it. I am sad and afraid of the loneliness that will wash over me. We will speak over the phone, but it is not the same. I will miss our lunchtime hangouts so much.
What if he finds his true love while on vacation? I have watched enough movies to know that it is a thing. He will fall in love with a girl from France with an accent and an impeccable fashion sense. How do I compete with that? It’s over for me. I am going to die lonely. No boyfriend and no best friend.’
“Sphe, I am dropping you off today, so get moving!” her mother shouted.
‘Well, that’s new. Can my mother feel my misery in her womb?’
She packed her school bag and went out to have breakfast. Her mother was playing some smooth jazz, moving her hips whilst washing the dishes at the sink. There was inexplicable peace on her mother’s face, and Sphe wondered how she did it. She had been heartbroken and bounced back like nothing happened.
‘I guarantee you that if Mandla hurt me the way Dad hurt Mom, I would bury myself alive. What am I supposed to do with all those emotions? Surely, the world does not expect me to carry them. It would be an absolute disaster, I tell you.’
“Finish up. I don’t want to be late,” Sphe’s mother interrupted her imaginary scenario.
“Are you going on a date, Mother?”
Her mother scoffed and said, “Maybe I am. Why do you ask, me lady?”
“Because I think I make a good wingwoman. Do you not agree?” Sphe responded with an accent.
“I’m afraid you do!”
They laughed as they grabbed their belongings and left the house. On their way, they saw Ropa. Without asking, her mother stopped to pick her up. Sphe’s stomach turned. Ropa jumped in, and the greetings felt odd. Sphe’s mother picked up on the awkwardness between the two girls and turned the radio volume up as if it would dissolve it. When they arrived, Ropa thanked Sphe’s mom and quickly left the car.
“Did I just make a mistake?” Sphe’s mother asked.
“Possibly,” Sphe replied.
“I am sorry. Are you guys fighting again?”
“Worse. We haven’t been friends for over a month now. And don’t ask me; I have no idea why,” Sphe replied.
“Oh my baby, I am so sorry. I truly am.”
“It’s ok. I am getting used to it. Anyway, enjoy your imaginary date, Mother,” Sphe said, jumping out of the car.
She knew her mother understood the heartbreak of losing a friend since she had lost her best friend.
‘What if mom passed her curse onto me when I was in her womb? It can’t be a coincidence that we both lost our best friends in high school. If it is true that we choose our families when we are stars, I failed this one. I need to do better in my next life.’
“I hope it’s me you are thinking about so deeply,” Mandla said.
“Oh my God, don’t scare me like that.”
“I have been calling your name, but you aren’t on earth. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Or whatever they say,” Mandla laughed.
“How are you? Your face doesn’t say you missed me,” Sphe said.
“I am starting to think that you are blind because even a blind man can see that!”
They walked past Ropa.
“So, will you ever tell me what happened between you and Ropa?”
“You saw me beg for answers and got nothing back. I have no idea, bruh!”
“Ok, why have I been demoted from babe to bro? Is it ‘cause I asked?”
“It’s because you are leaving me this holiday. Running off into the sunset to find your true love.”
She laughed so he wouldn’t think she was serious. He joined her in laughter before promising that she was indeed his true love.
At break time, Sphe went to the bathroom to change her pad, only to find it was barely full. It looked like a teaspoon of blood. She changed her pad anyway because she feared smelling like fish.
‘Still day one blood? I am so confused by my body right now. Watch it pour out heavily tomorrow, yet it is pretending to be shy.’
Tuesday came around, and she woke with slightly more blood on her pad, but nothing like her usual period. She had heard people talking about their periods getting lighter over time and thought it was happening to her.
‘I could live with this. Cramps and a lighter flow? I will take that over the heavy flow I have been experiencing. I can get through the day without worrying about bleeding through my clothes. I like it at this end of life. It’s cute and clean.’
The day was short. They collected their reports, gathered for assembly, and cleared up their desks. They hung around for an hour chit-chatting. Some were sharing their holiday plans, while others compared their final marks. Then there was Sphe and Mandla, who wished they could live in each other’s skin. By the time Sphe left school for home, she was fighting tears.
Mandla was travelling that Thursday, and they wouldn’t have a chance to see each other. She didn’t think it would sting as much as it did.
‘So this is love? It hurts a little, and I do not know how to feel about it. I will hold on to his promises. What else can I do? He said I was his only Sunshine, and I think he meant it. That has to be another thing I hate about life. There is no way of verifying if the words coming from someone’s mouth are true.
You learn about it later, without warning, too. Look at mom. Dad stood at the altar and promised her for better and for worse. Then, he became the worst thing to happen to her. It is unpredictable. I could be his Sunshine today. Tomorrow, he could be my Tsunami.
Sometimes, I wonder if everyone’s brain runs the way mine does. We can’t all be overthinkers. Otherwise, the world would be a disaster. In all fairness, Sphe, it is a disaster. But I don’t know if that is something I can blame on overthinking. Or maybe I could.
Politicians are forever running their minds and assuming country X is targeting them when it isn’t true. Then, they plan a counter-attack when there is no danger in sight. Their counter-attack then turns out to be the first attack, and there is no room for an apology. Boom! There is a war between the two. Country Y jumps to conclusions and deliberates on which country to support to avoid damage to their country.
We are in a cycle of overthinking, and our brains will end us. I wonder if animals overthink, too.’
She got to the kitchen door and could smell some baked goods. Her immediate thought was to drop her bag and have a bite. She was shocked to find six cakes on the table, beautifully decorated.
“Did I step into the wrong house?” Sphe asked her mother.
“You are home! Please change out of your uniform and come join me.”
Sphe side-eyed her mother but did not argue. She was in and out of her bedroom faster than you can say sabotage. She was curious about the array of cakes that was in their kitchen. When she came out, her mother had cut a slice out of each cake and shared it between them.
“Welcome to the ‘Cake It’ cake tasting. I am the resident baker, Nto,” Sphe’s mother said, placing a plate in front of Sphe.
“You are starting a bakery?” Sphe asked.
“A cake business. I have always wanted to, but your father refused because he believed it would make him look bad as the man of the house. He said people would assume he was broke and I was doing it to aid with the house bills.”
“I am sorry you couldn’t pursue your dreams all these years, Mom. You have all my support. Your baking is amazing!”
“Thank you, Sphe. That’s what my date was about yesterday. I attended a class that gave us tips on making money from our kitchens. They shared suppliers, too.”
“An empowered woman!”
“Indeed! Now, shall we dig in? I want your honest opinion about each cake. You are my first customer.”
“I hope you know I am a broke customer,” Sphe laughed.
“Oh! You will pay by accompanying me to the market tomorrow to sell these. Problem solved!”
When they were done tasting the cakes, they both needed a glass of milk to wash away the sugar they had consumed. Sphe struggled to choose a favourite and was sure her mother’s cakes would fly off the shelves.
The following day, Sphe woke up with a dry pad. She was shocked but delighted to be done with her period for the month. She showered and dressed up for the market. Her mother had gotten a T-shirt for her, too. It was pink with a purple logo that read, ‘Cake It with Nto.’ She paired the T-shirt with a pair of tights and sneakers. She tied her hair up into a bun and added a pair of gold earrings.
Her mother was sitting at the table, preparing her cake packaging. She had bought cake boxes small enough to fit a slice of cake. Inside the box was a sleeve where she could place her business card for people to place orders. Sphe joined her at the table and helped her add the business cards. Before they left, her mother showed her how to assemble the box so they wouldn’t struggle when they started serving people at the market.
There were very few people, and most were at the mall for groceries. But at lunchtime, the numbers increased drastically. It was thanks to the food stalls and the DJ. It took one girl visiting their stall to order a slice of cake for their day to change. After one taste, her eyes widened. Her friends wanted to know why she was fussing, so they came too. As the group stood in line for a slice, people became curious and visited their stall, too. After two hours, they sold the last slice and had to disappoint customers.
In the days that followed, Sphe’s mother received enquiries and cake orders. Sphe would help her mother with the baking and packaging. They had a great time bonding in the kitchen. She couldn’t feel Mandla’s absence because she was preoccupied. But she noticed a few things about herself. Her sense of smell became very strong, and at times, she was disgusted by smells she never used to mind.
On one occasion, she was cracking eggs, and the smell repulsed her. She thought it was because she had been working with eggs a lot. After some days, her appetite disappeared. She didn’t care for food and only ate for survival. Even then, she was picky about the food she ate. Her mother didn’t understand what was happening but thought it was fatigue since they were on their feet most of the day preparing orders.
During the third week, her mother noticed that Sphe visited the bathroom more frequently. However, she assumed that her period was close because it was common for some women to urinate more often than usual towards their period. There was one thing that made Sphe’s mother raise her eyebrows. The amount of milk she was drinking. One of her cousins behaved the same when she was pregnant.
“Is your period close, Sphe?” she asked calmly.
“I don’t know. I will check my app. Why?”
“You have been visiting the bathroom a lot lately. It’s usually a sign.”
“Must be all the milk I am drinking. I wake up craving it so much, and even when I drink a glass, it feels like I didn’t,” Sphe laughed.
Her stomach sank. Sphe’s mother wanted to believe that her daughter was just craving milk, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was pregnant. She connected the dots and realised that the other symptoms also made sense. She panicked because she didn’t know how best to handle this situation. Would she take her to the doctor for a check-up or ask her? She opted for the former. It would answer the questions she had quicker and kill her anxiety.
She scheduled an annual check-up with their family doctor. She took the earliest Friday appointment. Until then, she tossed and turned in her bed at night, wondering what she would do if her daughter turned out pregnant. She could already hear her sister shaming her for allowing this to happen. She could hear her ex-husband blaming her for tolerating Sphe having her boyfriend. She blamed herself for not being a good mother.
