My uncle raped me when I was four. Sometimes, I ask myself what he found so attractive about me at that age to make him do that to me. Was it my flat, unripe bosom? Or my carefree smile that glinted with innocence- the innocence which he took away from me forever? I will never know. Who can fathom a pervert’s mind?
He stopped molesting me when I was ten and then I started touching myself. In order to climax, I would fantasize about the things my uncle did to me, which I enjoyed. That is my secret. Not the touching- but that I enjoyed what was done to me. Now that I’m an adult, I know after reading countless psychological literature that children respond involuntarily to sexual stimuli. In other words, a child who is molested can sometimes enjoy it. So I’m not a freak of nature and it’s not my fault. But it’s only my head that knows this. Deep inside my heart, I detest myself. No one knows this is how I feel or that I’ve attempted suicide twice. I appear to be breezy and bubbly and happy. People always tell me, “You are so joyful!” If only they knew.
Women who are molested can either become frigid or promiscuous. 90% of all prostitutes lost their virginity through molestation or rape. I started off as an ice queen. Till I turned 23, I neither had a boyfriend nor slept with any man. I never even kissed any man. My friends and family thought I was the last virgin left on earth. At 23, I virtually became a scarlet woman. I had my first boyfriend. After him I started having one night stands. I dated a slew of married men. My sex partners thought I was a nymphomaniac because I was always hounding them for sex and I was insatiable in bed. Sometimes, I was stuck between being frigid and being promiscuous. I’d lure a man to bed only to be filled with hatred for him right in the middle of sex while he was happily thrusting away. I could not orgasm during sex. I’d get close then I’d stop myself because I was flooded with shame. The one time that I allowed myself to climax during sex, I wept uncontrollably. I could not have a stable relationship. The few boyfriends I disclosed my past to either run away or stayed and later got overwhelmed with my emotional ups and downs.
Last week, I started seeing a psychologist. I sat in his office and we talked about my past. At some point, I did not want to talk anymore because I was getting overwhelmed with feelings. He understood and rescheduled the session. I have decided to take it one day at a time. As Celie said in The Color Purple “I’m here”. Despite everything, I’m still here and that’s all that counts.
Were you molested as a child or raped as an adult? How has it affected you? Do you know anyone who was molested? How are they dealing with it? Have you ever dated someone who was molested?
90 comments On Guest Contributor Ekuba: Secrets: Raped by my Uncle…
I was molested by 3 male relatives from the age of 5 until I was 12 varying degrees but one involved full-on penetration. It killed the child in me. I never enjoyed it then but I craved it, at least then someone was paying attention to me. To some extent I still hate/fear men, working on getting better, some days I still struggle but I keep going. Thank you for writing about your experience, I’m 23 now and in my 1st healthy intimate relationship. On shame, I recently realised that it’s not me who should be ashamed, its them.
OMG. This is TERRIBLY sad! Child molestation and rape is the one thing that would drive me to murder.
Sadly, I don’t think it’s as uncommon as we would all hope.
I had an uncle touch me inappropriately as well when I was young. I was 8, and no where near the baby you were at 4. He tongue kissed me and put his tongue deep in my throat. It was disgusting. When he called for my sister so he could do the same to her she ran away. I followed suit quickly. But I always wondered what would make my father’s brother want to do that to a child…his own neice
Stupid iPhone! Anyway, I hope the counseling brings you the peace you deserve. The shame it’s not yours. It belongs to that rat bastard who did this to you!
At 4 years my older sister was brutally (they found her lying on the floor bleeding, while he ‘hung out’ in the garden) raped by my mother’s brother, while their (mum n her brother) sister performed lewd sexual acts on me when I was 7/8. This issue was never dealt with until a few months ago, when we confronted mum on her continued association with these ‘poeple. She absolutely refuses to address it and takes the ‘vengeance is the Lord’s’ route. Needless to say, it ended with my sis givine her the ultimatum, ‘him or me’? Mum refused to choose so sis made the decision for her … she cut her off totally. Luckily, mum and her family are from a different country so we don’t run into each other. Now sis has a daughter and is PARANOID.
Sorry to go on such a rant but …
The shame is the worst thing. I never told anyone what she did until this blowout a few month back. I felt relief that it was all out, but it doesn’t ease the shame. As you said Ekuba, the mind knows its not your fault, but it doesn’t connect with the shamed part of the brain. On the promiscuity, I know my sis passed thru a phase of it, but is now settled with kids. I wish you all the best in your therapy and in the rest of your life.
YO!
Thank you for sharing this with as much candour as you could possibly master. Having said, you brought up an issue that I have been VERY passionate about, prostitution. Often times, people are quick to judge prostitutes as the lowest common denominators on the human totem pole, not knowing that many have gone through traumatic life experiences with sexual abuse having taken place. With that said, I never judge a prostitute. Funny you wrote this piece, I was having a heart to heart talk with a girlfriend of mine about this issue, and I told her that, you can never judge a book by its cover. You need to open and read the content, and therefore make a judgement borne out of facts and logic, rather than just an emotive snap judgement response.
Our African society does not believe in seeking psychological help, rather we are more content and normalized to reach out to religion to deal with that. It is GREAT and truly refreshing to see you dealing and confronting past demons with medicine.
I do know of a young man who took up a job as a domestic staff worker in a tourist hotel. Turned out, the job advertised was not really that he was somebody’s toy! He was sexually molested for years by this old tourist dude, and was paid handsomely for his services. Being that he came from a poor family, he decided to stay on and eventually left the country with his “lover” to Germany,where I guess he settled for a married life with this man.
I don’t know where your situation occurred, but I believe it is high time all the African countries developed database systems with the names and full details of molesters!!!!! They should be shamed for taking away the innocence and youth of our young women and young men!
This story has reignited the activist in me!
Wow, i’m glad you are still here and working on getting better and even for the boldness to write about it. I escaped molestation twice, once at age 8 and later at 10 yrs old. Both times involved older men who lived in my neighbourhood. The first man acousted me behind his house one evening on my way home and begged me to take his dick in my little hands and rub it. i threatened to scream if he tries anything. Thankfully he got the message and let me go. Even though nothing happened words could not describe the shame i felt when i got home. I also couldnt tell my parents about it as i thought they will scold me.
The second episode involved a man i used consider an uncle, i was 10 then. he literally promised to rape me whenever he catches me in the house alone. Now this time round i wasn’t taking any chances and so told an older cousin, who went to give him a strong warning in no uncertain terms. He never orgled me again! Child molestation is a serious issue in our society and sometimes i can’t help but be very afraid for my little daughter…
Juliet, I’m sorry about what your relatives did to you. I’m happy you’re in a committed relationship now. You don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfortable ok? But i was wondering if you and your partner are physically intimate and whether it triggers flashbacks and stuff (cos sometimes it does for me)
@ Malaka: Ewww, who tongue kisses an 8 year old child ? Where do these evil men/ women come from? Have you met said uncle again since you became an adult or do you keep him out of your life entirely?
@ African Mami: your enthusiasm reminds me of a dear friend of mine! it’s a breath of fresh air (I dont know anyone else who can start a comment with “yo” lol!) wow, your story about the young boy who was molested reminds me of all the countless young boys who are molested by men and women. It must be harder for them to talk about it bcos society just wont allow them to (men dont cry). If you’re a man reading this, did any man/ woman have sex with you before you turned 16? (age of consent in Gh, you ca modify it to suit your country).
@ Nana Akosua: whew! thank God you were able to escape. and twice! that’s just a miracle. eii, you sound like you were a very strong child! sadly, it’s true, molestation is a huge issue in our society. (possibly it’s getting more reported now?). Nana A, why do you think molestation happens so much in our society (where people are always complaining about ‘modern & western perversions’). why are there not a lot of pastors & politicians speaking out against molestation the way they’re always complaining about homosexuality?
Ine, that was a horrible thing that happened to you and your sister. i’m truly sorry about it. it’s unfortunate that your mom refuses to address it. i never told my mom cos i knew she’d blame me (at least a little). it’s sad bt the women i’ve disclosed this to never address it seriously. my pastor’s wife said since i enjoyed parts of the abuse i shd pray to God 4 forgiveness. my bff said she thinks i hv exaggerated the abuse. my female relative said i’m to blame if he molests another person cos i did not tell anyone. why do you think we women are sometimes the least sympathetic towards victims of abuse?
This Easter, I’ve spent a lot of time, trying to understand the story. Every part of my being wants to believe that someone very important loved me so much, He gave me His crown and put on my rags. I don’t mean to be religious here but this has been the most comforting story I have ever heard. I am male. Introduced to penetration sex by other children (girls) before I was 5. Escaped being raped by an uncle before I was 7. In my teenage years, I bragged about being a player, I didn’t know I was a victim. For a long time in my life, I turned to porn when I was depressed. In spite of all the arguments for it, I felt ashamed after watching them. Part of my shame stemmed from knowing deep down that most of the women in these movies, if not all, were victims like me, putting on an act. Pretending to be enjoying something they probably hate with a passion.
I believe most of these terrible relatives we’re reading about here were also victims when they were young.
A lot more parents need to know that the whole stranger-danger ideology is not that true. My wife is teaching our kids that if anybody, including me or her, touches their genitalia or asks them to do something weird, they should report.
Teach children to trust NO ONE and to report every little suspicion. Perverts tend to stay away from kids who spill every bean.
Fortunately for us, there is more than enough evidence to prove that the human spirit is strong and powerful enough to rise above the shame and pain that come with rape.
@ Ekuba
Glad my enthusiasm brought a “lol” to such a heavy subject matter. I am high on Africa!!!! 🙂
It was only last year that I believe women can also molest. Otherwise, I’ve always lived believing men are the only perpetrating gender……..this woman oo, RAPED a young boy and infected him with HIV/AIDS!!!!———–>The whole time I was hyperventilating reading the story. A woman who has GIVEN BIRTH to her own, and yet she has the audacity to commit such an atrocity! Woi. God help this earth oo, because I honestly believe that the devil has been unleashed for his 1000 years of free roaming.
Aside: There is this man of God oo, who said he was unleashed in 1991!! Don’t laugh. This was said during a witchcraft intervention-I BELIEVE OO!
So I saw this post last night and had to ignore it as I was in such a foul mood, I would have gone off in a rant with some choice expletives to go with… I am male and I’ve never been abused, neither do I know anyone who has but to say that abusing children (esp sexually) gets me mad, wud be vying for Understatement of the Decade. I have tried to fathom the depravity of the mind that wud warrant such but I am still at a loss. A few years ago, a story broke about a man who raped his 5 year old grand daughter over and over, that he punctured her birth canal such that there was an opening there between her BC and her rectum… Oh, and he didn’t end there, he infected her with HIV..(My apologies for the above this morning) but I lost my appetite for all things good, from food to sex… I felt sick… I tried seeking out an avenue to get aid across to the child, I couldn’t find any…I can’t imagine that happening to my daughter, it wud be double tragedy as she wud have been abused and wud also have to grow up without her father as I’ll be languishing in some prison for murder… Is it just me who thinks such fools shud be kept in prison cells that are so small, they’d have to squat as opposed to stand or lie?? So that they come out crippled and with ineffective backs, with fingers broken and pounded to pulp?? Ok,I’m all worked up already so maybe I shud stop here… However, my heart goes out to you all who have experienced such wickedness, prayers are with you, that you find peace and live life to the fullest so as to shame those agents of the devil…Have a blessed week ahead… Oh, great!!! Just heard on the news there’s a 24 year old lady who’s being denied food and meds by her family ‘cos she’s HIV positive… Great, just great!!! Thanks for ruining my morning!!!
My sister’s childhood was filled with hospital stays and visits to the doctor. She ‘didn’t have blood’ was what we were all told. It wasn’t until I was full grown that I found out that dhe had gotten some infection, which was so bad, they feared for her fertility. The worst part was that these paedophiles were let back into our home by our mother. And No I don’t understand it either. Is it any wonder my sis spent her childhood as a tomboy, absolutely refusing to wear anything other than short and pants, constantly fighting neighbourhood boys. I do not understand this kind of christianity/forgiveness. You forgive and then bring the perp back in for a potential round 2? If that is the ‘gate fee’, I may not enter heaven.
E.Scrooge I felt like u were talking 4 me,I feel absolutely sick when I read abt defilement cases esp done to 4-10yr olds!what the heck is wrong?it gets me totally red wiv rage!
@Ine:I’m in biwildment abt ur mum,is she ‘normal?'(Sorry,don’t mean 2 insult).did she really carry ur sis for 9months,cloth &nurture her?which mother blatantly ignores such a heinous crime?and let’s the perp get away wiv it?my neighbor’s 4yr old child is still carried @ the back sometimes so I cannot for the life of me imagine how ur mother let this slide!!gosh ur sis was still a baby,she needed protection.oooh dear I’m getting emotional here so I got to stop but trust me ur mum is one sick sick woman!she needs to be checked into a mental hospital!ur sis was found in a pool of blood,what more did she need 2 see b4 she took action?aaarrrrgggghh
When i’m feeling alone, unlucky n selfish, there’s always this voice in my head that says “u hv no idea how lucky u r u’ve never been raped”.
I don’t know how u feel but i can at least imagine what something like this can do 2 a person.
I mean, I grew up in an unhappy home, promiscious father, provided 4 me but never bonded with me emotionally, n i’m so messed up.
I really admire women hu do not let trauma like this stop them, cos i still cant get over my minor one.
ABENA, we must have been seperated @ birth!!! I just had to exercise restraint not to read INE’s comment twice ‘cos I might have ended up taking out my anger on some innocent person beside me… I don’t know who I blame, her mother, the ladies or other members of her “family”… Not saying I will myself but if she were to pass on details of dat “uncle” of hers, he’ll be found in a pool of his blood, puke and every other body secretion possible… I know a guy!!!
I have a girlfriend who was raped around age 15 and this is affecting our relationship soo much we are on the brink of breakup. She exhibit a lot of the behaviors Ekuba mentioned.
I have tried very much to accept her and love her even more because I know its not her fault but she keeps pushing me away with her behavior. She will later apologise saying she is still trying to deal with it.
Am wondering how long I can stick around. but I really love her and it breaks my heart for all that she’s going tru.
@Ekuba, hmmm maybe cos i summarised the events it made it look like i was so strong but at the time i didnt think so at all. The man who tried to rape me at 10yrs old actually caught me alone in the house one mid morning and tried to carry out his threat. My godmother whom i lived with at the time had gone out and i was home alone. When i heard the main gates opening, i thought she had returned, i peeped through the curtains i saw bra Osei as we used to call him entering the house… my instincts told me to lock the main kitchen door which would have been his access into the house, which i did immediately. When he realised the door was locked he said i should let him in cos he wanted to drink ‘iced water’. I told him they had a fridge in the boys quarters he should go get his water there. He got angry and started screaming ‘herr se w’anbie pono no na me force bia, me di wo basa basa’ literally ‘ if you don’t open this door and i’m able to force my way in, i will rape you violently’. At that age, i didnt know i had so much expletives in my vocabulary, i really gave him a tongue lashing, which infuriated him the more. Well as God will have it, he couldnt break the door open and my older cousin came home not long after. I reported bra Osei’s actions to her and she threatened to tell my godmother if he ever bothers me again. Until he moved out of that house i was very wary of him and he hated the very sight of me. My godmother used to ask him why he detested me so and his answer was that i was a saucy child… well!!
To answer your 2nd ques, paedophiles have always been amongst us and most of teh time, it is people we know and trust…i think thanks to DOVVSO and other Human Rights orgs, people have become more aware of it and are reporting such cases more and more…
I couldnt tell my mum about both incidences and i never told my godmother either b’cos i was afraid of being scolded. and tht is how paedophiles get away with their lewd acts, they know children won’t tell and even if they do, they won’t be believed.
i have a 4yr old son and a 2yr old daughter. My son knows that if anyone touches his ‘willy’ or tries anything funny around his genitalia, he should immediately report to mummy. My daughter is also being educated along the same lines. Our parents never had such conversations with us. I was brought up by my mum and we never had any sex talk…i learnt everytjing i knew through friends and reading… sad situation but tht is the reality!!
Kinkidi, I’m very sorry you were also molested. Turning to porn when you’re depressed is not peculiar to male victims of abuse. I’ve struggled and still struggle with it. Whenever I’m tempted, I try to use a better way to ‘fix’ my depression. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail- better days ahead. On the brighter side, you’ve done well to teach your children to speak up about abuse. You are a good father!
@ E Scrooge, thanks for supporting and empathising with all survivors of sexual abuse who have posted here. As for the reason why people molest other people, I have no idea at all. I just know that a significant portion of victims of molestation also go on to abuse others (sexually, emotionally, verbally, physically etc) and that is why we must all work to break the cycle.
Child abuse is totally horrendous and my heart goes out to all who have suffered such horrors. I hope that there is accessible mental health care for the survivors.
Ine, it appears that you & your sister have really been through a lot! How sad and unfortunate. It makes me truly happy that you’re moving on after all of this. I hope the day will come when people do not force survivors of abuse to ‘forgive’ their perpetrators but will rather seek justice (afterall, God is forgiving but he’s also just)
@ Pink: I’m glad that you were not subjected to any form of abuse. Something tells me that even if it had happened to you, you would have risen above it because you are a very strong woman. It is not easy to overcome living in an unhappy home and not being able to bond with your father. I hope that if you choose to set up a home (in future), yours will be filled with lots of love & joy.
@ For de where: i’m very sad to hear that your girlfriend was raped when she was 15. I personally understand how hard it must be for her and why she keeps pushing you away and coming back. You sound like a caring boyfriend who wants to help her in anyway you can. Unfortunately, this is a situation where only she can help herself (with the assistance of trained professional). Why don’t you sit her down for a chat and let her know how much you love her and how badly these emotional issues are interfering with your relationship? Then you can encourage her to see a psychologist. Psychologists in Ghana do not generally advertise their services. However, any medical doctor can refer her to a psychologist so she could go to a hospital, see a doctor and ask to be referred. I really hope this helps and I wish both of you all the very best in your relationship.
@ Abena: totally understand your anger at the mothers of sexual abuse victims who do not report the perpetrators. I have no idea why they do that. My psychologist told me that often, some of these mothers who act this way are also victims of abuse and they feel helpless when their children are also molested (which is why they may ‘turn to God’ and say ‘let’s all forgive and forget’) it’s quite sad really.
@ Nana Akosua: You are the second parent who’s posted here and said that you’ve had the ‘important conversation’ about sex with your children and encouraged them to speak up about abuse. Kudos to you all! You’re the new faces of parenting in Africa. i’m confident that you’re raising confident children who will not hide but will speak up when there is something wrong with our society.
@ Kofi Ametewee: Can i be honest? Please pardon me all medical docs and pschologists/ psychiatrists reading this- Accessing mental care is hell in Ghana, especially for victims of abuse. There is little motivation for docs, least of all psychologists & psychiatrists, so they are few in Ghana to start with. Getting to see one is like searching for the holy grail. I had to go from doctor to doctor, begging to be referred to a psychologist- all the while, being made to tell my ‘sad rape story’ to these doctors and their nurses. Finally, i got a psychologist but he’s so busy that i had to wait for months to see him. How do you think we can make mental care more accessible to victims, Kofi?
And on that score, if you’re a lawyer reading this, how do you think we can help victims of rape/ defilement access justice? Cos my friend was raped 2 years ago and her case has not even began in court, they keep calling & postponing the case everyday. Worse yet, the court is small & crowded so she has to sit very close to her rapist’s family and friends everyday and they make all kinds of derogatory remarks. It’s like everyday she goes to court, she’s raped all over again.
Sweet Jesus this is a mess! Seeing as there are so few psychologist in Ghana to deal with this matter, do you think an interim fix might be to start support groups for these men and women, sort of like AA? Sometimes the hardest buy most rewarding part is talking about it with a sympathetic ear, particularly if you’ve been rebuffed by your own family and told to ‘give it to God’.
My heart breaks for these millions of young souls!
To answer your question: I saw my uncle often after that, but kept my distance. I never told my parents because my dad and this uncle were very close and I knew my dad would kick his ass. I didn’t want to be the cause of that. Children’s shoulders are too small to carry these weights. Ine: your mom. SMDH
@ Ine-COTTAMN! I don’t think there aren’t enough expletives to express my rage! But out of the respect of your mother-I’ll keep that to myself, but forreal COTTAMN! WTFUGGERS?!
@ EScrooge-We are fraternal twins!!!! Your story is PRECISELY why I HATE SOUTH AFRICA, and the CONGO!!!!!! —————>sorry if you are from any of these countries, I’ve been hating the systems for years!
Grown motherlovers defiling BABIES, infecting them with HIV/AIDS and being allowed to live. Your solution is a prison cell. My solution is cutting their penis off ! It should be cut into tiny pieces!!!!! It is used as a weapon of mass destruction. I remember in the mid 90s there were a lot of rape cases in SA, of minors and babies as grown IDJOTS tried to cure themselves of HIV/AIDS by defiling and rupturing the reproductive systems of babies. In the Congo, multiple soldiers RAPE women, infecting them with HIV/AIDS. When interviewed and asked about their mundane behavior they just laugh it off.
I WEEP FOR AFRICA!!!! This subject is emotional, I don’t think I have any sense of logic when it comes to this!
I don’t pretend to know the answer to the question you asked me, but I hope what you are doing here will spur the formation of some interest group that will bring the matter to the public attention and persuade the authorities to ensure that these services are provided. As I said above, this is a “hope”.
Ekuba, you are right from what mum said, she has been raped 3 times. One of them was her own older brother. She didn’t elaborate further, in fact it sort of just burst out in the course of saying “a lot of people are raped, some even by their own fathers”. Basically she was saying we are not unique and to just give over to God and get over it. I realised then that that was her way of coping with it. By simply not dwelling on it and pretending it never happened. Like by letting them back in, everything was solved. I asked my sister if anyone ever sat her down to talk about or explain what happened, or even just to say sorry, she said never! He did however fly down here with his newly pregnant wife to ask my sister’s forgiveness. She told him to go to hell and that she would never forgive him. He now has 3 kids. I wonder if he guards them from pervs like him, or if that is his own private ‘crop’. @ E Scrooge I was tempted to give u his detail. He is so proud of his managerial and church positions, braggin all over facebook. @ Africa, Abena, Malaka, E Scrooge etc who can’t understand mums behaviour, believe me sis gave her all the insults. It is sad becos it should never have come to that, but she burries her head in the sand and hopes all would have blown over by the time she resurfaces, forgetting that as a parent it is your responsibility to protect your child, even kill if necessary (now I know why I loved ‘a time to kill’ so much). Kudos to all teaxhing their kids to tell. I told everything but THAT! Why the shame, when I couldn’t have known better? Ekuba I wish you could meet my sister. You might be good for each other.
This topic of child or young people molestation draws the angst in me.You see most of these men and sometimes women , who prey on these children and adolescents have an underlying problem and it is this’ they lack confidence.I mean the sexual confidence to tackle women or men their age, persons who they know will give them ‘tough’ time. Women who will demand something higher, women who will demand and examine critically their trust. Children and teenagers are fairly innocent of the cunning ways of the world, most of them them have not explored their sexuality or don’t even know that it exists.So these people take advantage of their innocence, lack of knowledge of the cunning ways of this world. My experiences of the cunning ways of these predators are legion so I don’t trust anyone near my children.Keep a critical and if you have knowledge of the workings of the minds of these perverts, you can help plant children and adolescents out of harms way
Can you imagine a daddy’s friend who was one of the people who held you at your christening ceremony waiting for your mature around 14yrs and having sex with you till you were 20.(This was a planned move like petting her, giving innocent pecks on her cheeks, buying her little presents, taking her to the shopping alone even though she had other siblings, occassionally touching her developing boobs and nipples. Then giving the impression to the adolescent girl ‘this is our special something nobody should know about’.By the time she penetrated the girl at about 16yrs like she told me ” my hormones were raging and I was so ready to be penetrated it I didn’t see it coming.Worst of all this hypocrite and backstabber of a friend was hailed in the home of his unsuspecting friend as a special uncle and sweetheart of the girl.
Or the young house help of 23 who introduced this young boy of 10 yrs and continued to have sex with him until 10 yrs later.
Or this 12 yr old girl who came back to pick something from school and in the absence of her grandmother with whom she lived with was tricked and made “pasaa” by this co-tenant of theirs.
Or this lady who was introduced to lesbian sex by her distant aunt, who everyone thought just treated her like her daughter because she had only a son.They continue to have lesbian sex 30yrs later and her aunt is still unmarried and the lady’s marriages on 2 occassions have broken down because of the input the aunt continues to make into the sexual life from the background.Nobody suspects her.
Or this young boy who at 13 was raped by his male cousin and coerced into group gay sex by his cousin, who was then 22 and was at one of our universities.
Or this 8 yr old, whose daddy then divorced from her mother, used to leave her with “a good and trusted male friend’ so he could go to work.This male friend was married and had 2 kids of his own aged 5 and 10.The idea was for her to play with them and have company. One day she was tired and as usual decide to take a nap in the children’s room. She woke up to find out she had been penetrated and lying in the daddy’s trusted friend’s bedroom. Her playmates were nowhere to be found.Her daddy’s trusted friend had cunningly sent his own children to buy vendor food ‘waakye’ for the way to be cleared to him perpetuate his dastardly act.
These are all acts that have been pervasive in our society and embedded into our underground sub-sex culture.It is not actively frowned upon and some times some adults consider it a legitimate way to introduce children and adolescents into sex. A friend of mine who had been born into this sub culture used to perpetuate this thinking in this saying “Wohu akwaada twe a, hwe” a transliteration will be ” if you see a little girl’s cunt , look, don’t ignore it” Suggesting it is a fair game for a fuck. Like the Nigerians say we constantly need to shine our eyes as part of the tools for tackling this problem.Of course when they are caught they should be prosecuted and jailed but I think we should constantly keep our eyes open and ears on the ground because when they are caught much of the damage will already have been done.
@Ekuba and All – Ekuba thanks for sharing your experiences with us. When we first exchanged emails on this subject I assured you that sadly too many people will empathise with this. And that I suspect that the majority of people have been victims of sexual abuse (including myself).
I think we all need to consider what happens next. Some clear strategies have already been stated through various comments:
* Educating children about their body parts, and what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour
* Teaching children about sex and sexuality at an early age (has this been said? I think its been implied)
* Figuring how to move on from child sexual abuse – seeking professional help for e.g.
There are also a number of women’s rights organisations that may be able to offer support. My friend Fiona on Facebook suggested contacting ‘The Ark Foundation’ and ‘Women’s Initiative for Self Empowerment’ (WISE). These are organisations that I also know very well. I think its also worth considering the issue of redress. Sometimes that is a good way to move on although it is an extremely challenging process. Some people may want to consider speaking to FIDA or DOVSU (if you’re in Ghana).
What other resources exist? Maybe together we can build a database of support for people who survive rape/sexual abuse and that can be a permanent page on this blog. I would want that resource to be Pan-African though…as you all know people who read the blog come from across the continent and beyond.
Thank you all for sharing.
@ Nana
I support the database idea-Now let’s brainstorm as to how best it can be started an implemented. We are known as the people who talk the talk but never walk it.
@AfricanMami – Haha! Maybe I’m the exception to the rule then…trust me, I always walk my talk hence the existence of ‘Adventures’. Its simple to put together a database. Everybody can email adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com with the list of organisations that work on issues of rape/sexual abuse. Include the full name of the organisation, address (if it can be revealed), email, telephone number and website, and any personal recommendations of the organisation. I or Abena will then compile all the entries into one list and we upload as a PDF or permanent page on this site.No long tings abi?
Malaka, LOVE your idea about forming a mutual aid/ self help group for survivors of sexual abuse. I’m definitely going to look into that. More about that later…
Ine, it’s very sad that your mom went through the same mess and thrice too. It seems like the abuse has become a pattern in her family and i wish she could have broken up that pattern by speaking out against it. I wish I could meet your sister too, she’s such a courageous survivor! Tell you what- I’ve been thinking about forming the self help group for survivors of abuse (like Malaka said) where survivors could communicate online (probably on a blog page) or even meet up from time to time to if we want to. If this took off really well, such groups could provide some kind of support for young/ fresh victims of molestation in their communities and even become a sort of pressure group/ advocacy platform to press society & government to provide better mental care & health care facilities for abuse victims (currently victims of defilement have to pay to get the medical form). I’d be delighted if you emailed me on ekubabentil@gmail.com so we could discuss all this. You sound like a kindred spirit 🙂
@ Syncato, the anecdotes you have just related show that unfortunately, child molestation is something that goes on a lot in our community. As for your friend’s comment about seeing a little girl’s c**t, that’s just sick. Do you think he meant little girl literally or he was using it metaphorically and meant young woman? As you know, some Ghanaian musicians who have sang about ‘dating little children’ later clarified that they were referring to young women (like obuor when he sang konkotiba and there’s a line in lapaz toyota where guru refers to liking ‘nkoraa’ aka little kids) Do you guys all think it’s cool for musicians to sing about being with children? (albeit figuratively)
Nana Darkoa, and how right you were! Unfortunately. God help me but when you said there were many survivors of molestation (like you and me) I only half believed you- till I read all these sad stories on this blog. And I know there are many more people with equally terrible experiences who may read this but not necessarily comment. I think your idea for a database of support for survivors of sexual abuse (rape and molestation) is a fabolous idea. I have realized that it could double as a self help group like Malaka suggested. I’ve been thinking about it all day and will put up a comment soon asking for specific suggestions. Thank you for the opportunity to share.
Dear Everyone,
Thank you so much for reading this blog posting and sharing your experiences. For every survivor of rape/ molestation reading this my heart goes out to you. This page is going to be right here so please feel free to comment & talk about all the pain you’ve been keeping bottled up within you, whenever you’re ready. I hope you’ll feel a little unburdened as you do so.
I have decided that something good must come out of this blog posting so after receiving inspiration from Malaka & Nana Darkoah, I have decided to form a selfhelp group for survivors of sexual abuse/ database of support. I intend for it to be very low-key & discrete. We can start off with a page on this blog where we can discuss our struggles and achievements as survivors (anonymously of course).
With time, this page could double as a self help group where a bunch of us could meet up whenever we want to just to talk and offer each other support. As I was telling Ine, if all this takes off really well, who knows? in some years this group could start pressuring government and society for better assistance for survivors of abuse. I dream of a time when a victim of abuse will not have to pay GHC 50 (or has it increased?) to get a medical form to prove he/ she was raped. And when there will be several hotlines or short codes that a victim of molestation can contact & be immediately assisted. I’m sure you dream of that too.
Please contact Nana on this blog or email me at ekubabentil@gmail.com if you would want this to take off. I would be so grateful for any suggestions you can give. If I get at least ten people to contact Nana or me & express interest in such a page/ group, I shall start working on it immediately.
Lots of love to you all
@Ekuba – You go girl! Happy to offer you a page on this site for the self help group for survivors of violence. Lets chat more via email
This is my first comment on this blog, though I have been a silent follower for quite sometime. I must say for a moment, I felt like the writer was telling my story. I was sexually molested by my big brother’s friend when I was only 6. This continued for almost a year. Although he never penetrated, he would finger me continously and touch my breasts (if I could call those tiny spots then that) until he came. When he travelled abroad, it ceased temporarily until a male family friend resumed from where he left off. Till now,I dont know why I never told my parents. I was brought up in a very strict and religious home and I am sure this was part of the reason. I was also never particularly close to either parent. I had only an older brother.
At the age of 10, I had started masturbating constantly. I think I secretly enjoyed being molested too, and I felt ashamed to realise this. I started viewing porn at 15 and I have been addicted ever since. I had my first consensual sex encounter at 23 and though I enjoy sex, I have never been able to climax except through self-stimulation. At 27, I have had three long term relationships, and a number of one night stands in between. I love sex and I could probably have it everyday, but my boyfriend doesn’t know this. He believes I am a prude, if only he knew I masturbate often to supplement what he gives me.
I have never confided in anyone and I thought about seeing a psychologist for a while. But I am yet to gather the courage to do so. Besides, I dont really know how he/she can help. I do not hate men, although I have strong feminist views. I have quite a successful career and my relationship is going well. I do not have many friends though because I always felt I was different from other girls because of what had been done to me. I struggled with self-esteem issues when growing up, but I feel I have overcome that stage now. My only issue is whether to open up to my current boyfriend as we are planning to marry. I feel is a secret I can keep forever and still live normally if only none of the molesters surface again in my life. I dont want to risk the chance that he will either find it too much to deal with or look at me with pity for the rest of my life.
Dear Ama, WE are glad WE drew you out of your shell and got you to comment 🙂 Let me start by saying that i am so very sorry you had to go through what you went through. I’m grateful that you’ve found the courage to move on. I am very happy that you had the courage to share your experiences. I am sure it will encourage another survivor. I am going to break up what I have to say into a sequence of comments so that they’ll be easier to read ok? (i don’t want to write a thesis lol)
@ Ama: you mentioned that you crave sex daily and have to supplement by masturbating. There’s nothing wrong with loving sex. I’m happy that you have a healthy sexual appetite. You see, for us survivors of sexual abuse, we tend to use sex as a crutch. We turn to it when we’re sad or angry or confused or even happy. That is the problem that has to be fixed. We have to develop more wholesome things to turn to when we go through these emotions like writing, singing, meeting with people, reading, cooking… you catch my drift.
@ Ama: i’m very sorry that after the abuse you’ve not been able to orgasm through sex. I’m not a trained pscyhologist but my therapist told me some causes of anorgasma (bein unable 2 orgasm ) in victims of sexual abuse.
1. They may sub-consciously be avoiding orgasms because they feel guilty or are afraid of sex. When you feel yourself on the edge of a climax, breathe in and breathe out and ‘let yourself go’ even if it feels 2 intense. Dont worry if you cry the first few times ok? it often gets better, slowly.
2. Sexual abuse can cause you to develop certain fantasies which your boy or hubby may not be meeting. For eg. when i masturbate, i fantasize about my uncle abusing me or someone humiliating me while having sex with me (eg. spanking me or calling me a slut). Sadly, sometimes, even thinking abt other people being humiliated causes me to climax. I had to develop alternate fantasies and learn how to climax through them. Additionally, i learnt to tell my boyfriend to be a little ‘rough’ during sex and talk dirty etc and all that helped.
3. Being molested may have taught you to take whatever you get during sex because the one who raped you didnt ask for your opinion. Therefore, when you start having sex, you are less likely than other women who have not been abused to tell your partner exactly what gets you off. Since you can orgasm through masturbation you already know how you like to be touched. Take time and show your boyfriend.
I understand your doubts about seeing a psychologist. Everyone heals from sexual abuse differently. A few very robust people can recover from war, accidents and traumas by themselves. Most people need some help. A psychologist will not erase your pain or solve or your issues but he/ she will assist you to analyze your past and decide how to forge on. It can be very helpful. If you’d like to see a psychologist email me on ekubabentil@gmail.com and we can discuss how you can access one ok?
Lots of love . PS: Ine and Juliet, if you happen to read this, I would love to hear from you and see how you’re doing. You can email me anytime you want. Best wishes
It’s a motherloving movement in this joint!!!! me LIKKKKKKKKKKEY EKUBA FOR PRESIDENT!!!
@ African Mami: Looooooooollll! And i think you’d be a great campaign director! 🙂
@ Nana Darkoa: Awww, thank you. I’ve spent this week reading about self-help groups and talking to some professionals (African Mami gave me that tip). Will email you once my ‘research’ is complete. hugs & kisses
@ Ekuba
awwwww!!!! hugs, kisses and smooches to you dearie. I am all for seeing my African people progressing in all avenues of life. That’s where I get my high from!
@ Nana,
Glad that you are using your platform to help your fellow African woman
@Ekuba and African Mami – Hugs and Kisses to you both. I am happy that Adventures can be a platform to help my sisters. Thank you both and everyone who participates for making it work
Peace! Y’all.
This post left me feeling ‘eaten-up’ inside! It’ll take a while to digest it though, but I’m glad something good came out of it.
The ‘stories’ of abuse make me wonder though; could west Afrika (Ghana) be so different from the south (where I live). I mean I can’t begin to imagine how something so atrocious could be so widespread. I wonder if child molestation and abuse might be just as prevalent in the south of our continent (once the people ‘come out’). WHERE did it all come from? Where did it begin? Our so-called culture?
I’ve probably always hated this subject; being so bewildered by it. I say this because the post appeared on the day of my first visit to this site, and I didn’t read it. My mindset was on a whole different level that brought me here in the first place; curiosity (about women), and something of a ‘guilty’ pleasure! (My mind is conditioned, perhaps by religion, to feel guilty about even being aroused; or reading an arousing tale)
I am a male. I’ve never been physically sexually abused; or even know anyone who has. (not even raped). I say physically because I am reminded of something that did happen to me as a child. Please don’t think I am comparing this minor issue to the very serious ones above. When I was a child, through different mediums and other children, I was introduced to the idea of sex. I remember seeing a very graphic ‘girly’ magazine, probably before I was ten. I was visiting a friend, and he and his cousin had found it in some communal dustbin space. They showed it to me; we looked through it, and they were laughing. They showed me where they would keep it; under the carpet, under a bed, in their spare bedroom. I remember some days later going to my friends house. He wasn’t their. They were close family friends, but that didn’t give me the right to go into the house (the maid was there), crawl under the bed, and look at that magazine by myself. The images were of naked white women with their legs spread apart, showing their hair (!) and everything else. I completely didn’t understand! (From my memory I think those women even had testicles!) I think I’ve been obsessed with sexual images since then, or a short while after…
Even in Botswana its hard to see a psychiatrist. I was once referred to one, when I asked my doctor to. I had the psychiatrist’s phone number from a time when one visited our art exhibition, which was about healing through art. I think I still have the referral letter (from almost 5 years ago). He never answered his phone; that’s if it was ever switched on at all. I still have that problem I wanted to see him about. It’s a sexual issue. What’s the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? Does any of you know? I think it has something to do with that a psychiatrist studies the same biology that a physician does at school. So a psychiatrist knows about the processes of the body AS WELL as the mind.
I didn’t mean to be that long! Here’s something else I know. @ Ekuba (& maybe Amma), it’s impossible to have an orgasm by yourself! Ejaculate and climax yes. But orgasm has a spiritual side to it, someone else has to be involved! Ekuba used the word ‘orgasm’, Amma just said climax…
Dear Zeebu,
we’re glad we ‘enticed’ you to come back here through your curiosity 🙂
just like i did in Amma’s case, i’m going to try and reply your comment in a series of text messages so i don’t write a ‘thesis’ lol! Let me start by saying that i’m so sorry about your experience as a child. Sadly, what happened to you amounts to molestation. You see, molestation happens whenever a child is introduced to sex at a tender age through any form(whether he/she is encouraged to watch porn or being touched inappropriately or raped or kissed etc.)
Congratulations on trying to see a psychologist about this issue. please don’t give up ok? i’m sure if you persevere, you’ll be able to get professional help.
Please don’t see your unfortunate experience as minor. Every abuse is abuse and you have as much right as every other survivor of abuse to get healed from what happened to you and to receive the support you need in doing so.
You mentioned that you feel guilty about sex and things related to sex are a guilty pleasure. i’m no psychologist but i suggest that your guilt is not due to religion alone. I’m sure most survivors of molestation who have gallantly shared their experiences here would agree with me that one of the effects of molestation is that it can make you feel guilty about sex. You crave sex ALL the time but after you get it you feel awful and guilty about it. Do you still struggle with porn? Most abuse survivors struggle with a porn addiction and I’m an example of that but it can be overcome with professional help (and most religious survivors have found praying to be helpful).
As for whether or not a person who masturbates can achieve ‘orgasm’ i leave it to the other readers of this blog to debate and decide! lol. I read some ‘small’ biology in secondary school and i remember orgasm being defined as the peak of sexual pleasure so i’ve always thought orgasms can occur both in masturbation and sex with another person. As for the ‘spiritual side’ of orgasms hmmm. one of my pastors said when you masturbate, it means you’re having sex with the devil so i don’t know if that means the devil is the ‘someone else’ who’s involved when you have masturbate. i’ve been a ‘bad christian’ (as you can see from the stories i’ve bn writing on this blog, lol) so i don’t know about these spiritual things anymore. Someone help me out! What do y’all think?
My mouth is ajar Ekuba. Your pastor said when you masturbate you’re having sex with the devil. What a load of hog wash! Mtchewww
@Nana – you suck your teeth, but this is widely taught! I don’t know if it is just in Christianity or if other religions teach it to. The idea is that if you are not engaged in a physical act with another party that is physically there, you must surely be imagining someone being there as you masturbate. That means that you are inviting spirits into a sexual act…and I guess those spirits are devils. Surely angels don’t participate in masturbation.
It’s not a new idea. I mean, just a few decades ago it was taught in mental institutions that only the mentally infirm masturbated!
My belt hurts me with this metal buckle, poking into my navel. At least I think this is my navel. I’ll tell you something else that hurts me; this seemingly incessant urge to urinate, that hardly seems to go away; no matter how many times I go to the loo. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. getting up every ten minutes to go to the toilet. The doctor says my prostate (and every other internal organ) is normal; and that I should drink a lot of water!
Whenever I get tired of this feeling, even the memory of it, I get the sexual urge. Except that it’s not someone else I long for, I get an urge to masturbate. Not in the conventional way, I sleep with my pillow. Masturbation is as close to sex as I’ve ever known at 35. It is all my body remembers as leading to the pleasure and release of a climax. It’s not good for men to masturbate excessively. It can be detrimental to their health I hear masturbation is harmless for women; wether they do it excessively or not…
Yeah, I have a problem with porn. I don’t like it! But I often end up using it. I usually start out looking for gorgeous images of women, on the net, in magazines (even non-porn ones; whatever is available, nowadays it’s not hard to find a picture of a beautiful woman in a short dress, or tight, or revealing clothing, a women’s magazine, or a fashion magazine).
Sometimes when I google ‘gorgeous ebony women’, I end up getting a whole string of pornsites. Then I might see a (spread) vagina, that’s usually where the porn begins. The lady might still be beautiful, and black. Then later on, while I’m enjoying myself, I might see pictures of teenagers, or white men fucking black women… I really do hate porn. Get the idea? There’s a difference between glamour and porn. They’re both made for men’s entertainment though. I hate to imagine what women would look at. Probably some unrealistic he-man with a pretty face and long hair…often not even black (just one white man is too often) .
I can’t resort to conventional sex because I have this unpleasant looking condition on my penis. Like a ringworm, or a ring of tiny ‘sores’ which ‘don’t hurt’. The doctor said it’s just a different physical appearance, and not a disease; ‘like freckles’. I don’t believe her. I wasn’t born like that. I used to get a tiny, extremely painful sore on the tip of my penis whenever I watched adult television (and pulled out my penis) before I even knew how to masturbate. Now I have thousands of ‘sores’. They never DID used to hurt. I got them all when I went to boarding school , and wouldn’t change my underwear after I came in it after masturbating; humping my soft bed, or a pillow with my clothes on. I used to masturbate to fall asleep… every night. And everyday. I went to boarding school when I was thirteen. The doctor said I couldn’t get like that from masturbating. She doesn’t know how I masturbate. Some defenitions say I’m a para-phile, one who’s sexually attracted to inanimate objects. It’s not the objects I’m attracted to; it’s the gorgeous women. I just never met one who loved me…
I wonder if I’m through… The sores appeared within the space of one week. I always thought they’d disappear (as quickly as they appeared) the day I stopped masturbating. I never DID stop masturbating.
I never did stop, that is ecxept when I was about 24 years old, and ‘very close to God’. In 1999, I wouldn’t as much as look at people kissing on television for fear of being ‘guilty’ of being aroused! I abstained for twelve whole months, and more. My condition never did ‘heal’. I simply had to look when ‘The Thong Song’ came on television. I gave in to masturbation. I can confidently say THAT’S the day the pain started. The insatiable urge to urinate.
I sometimes wonder what a REAL sexual urge feels like. All I know is this pain… I hate to masturbate, it get’s me really down. But I can’t seem to stop. Sometimes I think I given it up. I can go two, three weeks evn two months. Once when I was living away from home, I abstained for several months.
Do you know what they say. They say the sexual urge reches it’s peak between 25 and 45 years of age. That’s terrible news for me. It means I thought I was spiritually strong when I was 20, and managed to conquer my ‘vice’. Little did I know that the greatest desire level was still to come! They say a man at that age is capable of doing things that even a child wouldn’t do! – Chronic masturbation ruined my career. I’m in danger of becoming a chronic invalid! Sometimes I stay up the whole night trying to catch a feeling. Then I can’t go to work the following day (though I’m self-’employed’) I must owe a few months worth of hours of sleep!
Do you know anything about yoga and chakras? Apparently, the spiritual side of an orgasm is that energy shoots out from your crown chakra and then re-enters your body via your base chakra; balancing all of your energy levels as it does so. Apparently sex is the best way to balance your chakras. The other way is to practice yoga and meditation. The energy thing doesn’t occur when you masturbate. That’s probably because there is no-one (other than yourself) there giving you physical ‘love’. You might imagine all those people, but sometimes they don’t even know you exist. Could you really say they were there in spirit (unless you told them about it)…
“Those who hath learned to know themselves, hath reached that Good which doth transcend any abundance of physical existence, but they who through a love that leads astray, expend their love upon their body, they stay in darkness, wandering and suffering through their senses, things of anxiety, unrest and Death” – Ancient Egyptian Mystical Wisdom Teaching
Those who hath learned to know themselves, hath reached that Good which doth transcend abundance; but they who through a love that leads astray, expend their love upon their body; they stay in Darkness wandering and suffering through their senses things of Death” – Ancient Egyptian Mystical Wisdom Teaching
I call this pain, or any recent memory of it, a ‘sexual-urge’ because ‘pleasure is better than pain’. But pleasure comes at a cost. Semen makes up the very essence of a man’s vitality, the very shine in his eyes. And if it’s not replaced by exchange of a partners bodily fluids, and wasted too much, it can be detrimental. The other thing is that masturbation might actually be the root CAUSE of the ‘pain’! That’s probably why I’m in so much pain right now. I masturbated again in the night…
Zeebu, I’m very sorry that you’ve been facing these health challenges. The Egyptian teaching you quoted is very beautiful! You seem like a very spiritual person &i hope i can be as spiritual as you are 🙂
I know nothing about the spiritual side of masturbation. however, speaking from a scientific point of view only, I know that the current scientific position is that masturbation doesnt cause ANY illness if it is done under hygienic conditions. This is what your doctor has been trying to tell you.
I understand why you think your medical condition is caused by masturbation. You see, before i got a boyfriend & started having sex, i used to turn to masturbation & porn to satisfy my sexual urges. Some time later, I fell very sick. So sick that now, i am slightly disabled and have an obvious physical deformity. I blamed my sickness on my ‘sins’ until I travelled to the US & tests were performed on me. It was discovered that my disease was genetic! it means i got it years before i started masturbating or watching porn. i spoke to my grandma who told me of a relative of mine who had the same rare condition i had. i met people who also had my condition. This settled my mind & i realized that i wasn’t being ‘punished’ for masturbating.
All i’m saying is that, Z, don’t give up. Seek a 2nd & 3rd opinion on your medical challenges. Read wide on your condition. I’m sure you’ll soon discover exactly what your condition is & the fact that it’s not related to anything you’ve done.
You know another reason why i’m sure your medical challenges are not linked to masturbation? Statistics say 90% of men masturbate. Most people have watched porn or watch it from time to time. Have you seen 90% of men walking around with your medical challenge? NO. wouldn’t it be a twisted world where you were the ONLY man singled out to be punished for masturbating by the forces that be?
Please don’t let your condition make you feel that no gorgeous woman wants you. Who told you! You’ll be surprised @ the women who may be secretely dying for you 🙂 Even with my very obvious deformity, i’m so confident that almost every day, I have a man asking me out. I take good care of myself and I believe that i’m beautiful so every1 believes it too! i’m sure if you confidently walked up to ladies regularly to ask them out, within 1 week, you’ll have a bevy of ladies swooning at your feet! trust me, what we ladies want is a real man who is confident in himself.
& dont worry abt the fact that you masturbate regularly etc. it means u r a healthy male with a appetite. most men satisfy their sexual urges by having sex frequently. i assume from all you’ve said that you’ve nt bn having sex frequently. when the time comes & u start having a very active sexual life, i bet you that you’ll even forget to masturbate or it wont satisfy u anymore!
your comment has encouraged me to write an article on Masturbation which i’m sending to Nana Darkoah. expect it to be out soo and i’ll be looking out for your comments on that article! lots of light and love
@ Ekuba. Actually I think those are TWO (slightly different) Egyptian Teachings! Check the wording…
Just last year I ‘met’ some males on the net who have the same condition as I. But I think they were ALL white. I think all of them masturbate, though I’m not sure of their methodology. One of them even swore that he would NEVER quit masturbation! None of them reported any pain though. Later on when I was convinced that the condition is the very source of my ‘pain’, I decided that those others must be all youngsters. I had the condition since I was 13.
Apparently the condition is not a disease (according to Western doctors) but a different type of physical appearance, like I said above. Apparently, the only way to get rid of it is to have a laser treatment on the afflicted area. I once had a Sudanese looking Urologist (gynae for men!) beam an intense ray of light or heat onto my penis, as if trying to burn the tiny pimples away, but it was of little effect. I wouldn’t try THAT again.
The condition is scientifically known as Pearly Penile Papules (PPP). Interestingly enough, the name sounds like that of another virus, called Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). HPV is said to be the virus responsible for throat cancer. Last year it was published on the net that performing oral sex on a male, raises the chances of someone contracting the HPV virus! I feel like no woman would allow me to go into her looking how I look! As you can see the doctor I mentioned above in my earlier posts was a female. She said that it didn’t look too bad!
I do get relief from the pain sometimes, nowadays, I drink a lot of different herbs aimed at the prostate, etc. i can go for some time without feeling the need to urinate, even if I drink lots of water.
…And no, I’ve never had real sex! That is why only masturbation exists in my memory as intense sexual pleasure. But I don’t consider myself to be a virgin! In my book a virgin means to be pure and clean. I wouldn’t describe my solo escapades as pure and clean…
Dear Z, wow! i feel like i’m in biology class all over again. i had never heard of PPP & now i know abt it. we learn something new everyday! thank God that it’s not a disease although i’m sure it must be just as difficult to live with because it changes physical appearance.
dude, now, i’m even more convincecd that the condition wasnt caused by masturbation cos it’s bn scientifically diagnosed! and it has a scientific treatment (laser) & as u know some people recommend castor oil. besides, i don’t think the fact that most men who have PPP have masturbated b4 means that it is masturbation that causes PPP. these r my 2 lines of argument:
first, 90% of men masturbate (in fact other statistics say 99%). that’s like almost all men except a few ‘saintly’ ones. therefore logically,if almost ALL men masturbate, then almost ALL men who have PPP masturbate too! it makes sense right? it doesnt mean that’s what caused their PPP otherwise what about the billions of guys all over the world who masturbate & yet have no PPP?
second point is that since PPP changes the appearance of an intimate part of your body, it can make u self-conscious. when u r self conscious, u r likely 2 avoid having sex. however, ur sexual urges r stil there & need 2 b satisfied so what do u do? turn 2 masturbation! or porn! so a person who has PPP may be even more likely to masturbate but it doesnt mean this has anything to do with why he got the condition in the 1st place.
let me tell u something else. after i read ur comment, i went on youtube & viewed a video about PPP. they showed pics of penises that have PPP (to help men identify if they have it) & i saw a pic of an ‘advanced stage’ PPP. of course , i hadn’t seen that b4 so initially i was surprised but after like 5 seconds, it didnt move me anymore. it’s just like lots of bumps on the penis (right?) & it seems that when it’s not up close, like literally in ur face, u cant even really tell that there are bumps. i’ll have to go with ur female doc on this one, i don’t think it’s thaaat bad!
as for no girl allowing u to put ‘that’ inside her, u’d be amazed! i’d say try, try & try again then if u find noooo girl who’s willing 2 have sex with u cos of PPP, u can give up. or? but, infact, i’ll be soooo surprised if truly truly it turns out that after searching haaarrd, u still couldn’t find a single girl simply bcos of this condition. u c, several people with diverse physical challenges like victims of severe burns, quadraplegics & other people with deformities (like myself) etc. have accepted that they are sexy & beautiful, in spite of their challenges & they are now having banging love lives AND sex lives. so why shouldn’t u?
it seems that u’ve bn feeling quite down abt ur condition & other things (like the masturbation) so maybe it might be a good idea to start seeing the psychologist u talked abt in ur earlier posting? i sincerely wish u all the best and i’m looking 4ward 2 a day soon when u’ll tell me that u met a hot chick who didnt give a damn abt the fact that u hv PPP or any other challenges u hv. CHEERS!
I was molested. Three different people in about 6 or so years. I can’t talk about it. Two of them are still alive. One of them s an uncle.
The one that died? He went crazy and died alone in spite of his one million children I was happy about that.
Reading this thread is making me cry, but suffice to say, if anyone touched my son….I would stab them. I would stab them over and over and over. And then I will turn myself over to the law happily.
If you’re reading this and you’re a pervert YOU WILL GET YOURS. I HOPE YOU DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. I HOPE YOU DIE IN PAIN. I HOPE YOU DIE.
@Nnenna – I know its pretty meaningless but sending you cyber hugs and lots of love. Sadly too many of us empathise…
@African Mami – I’m just glad the sisters are using this site. That makes me very happy
@Nnenna
*e-hugs sista*
I’m terribly sorry for all that you have gone through. Great that you are protective about your son, because most of the time such protection is relegated to our daughters-which is quite understable and sort of don’t extend the same arm to our sons.
Nana,
Thank you for being so kind to let us use your platform to discuss and rally around our sisters!!!
Dear Nnenna,
I’m so sorry. And three different men too! I’m so sad. No wonder you can’t talk about it. I hope that each day you get more healed from this horrible experience. When I read what you said about how perverts end up, it reminded me of the controversial topic of ‘forgiving the perpetrator’. I chose to forgive my abuser after I watched an Oprah show where she said “when you don’t forgive someone it’s like you take poison and expect them to die” & ‘forgiving someone doesnt mean excusing their actions or not holding them accountable. it means letting go of revenge & releasing bitterness’ . Then she featured a mother whose son was killed in South Africa (by white racists) & she forgave them. Whew! However, I also know people who decided not to forgive their abusers & they’re living productive lives. So I really cant tell whether those who choose to forgive their perpetrators are happier than those who dont ? What do you think? Have you ever considered forgiving those 3 guys? Is it an option you’ve taken or will ever take?
Thank you for this post. I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was 10 years old. I had fought with my parents one evening just before they went out and reducing me to tears before they left, my uncle asked me if he could make me feel better.
The secrets, the pleasure, the shame… I resent that I no longer feel like I can have a ‘normal’ sexual interaction. I’ve become incredibly good at faking it to the point I don’t think I have really enjoyed sex with another person.
Whenever I masturbate, its mostly to the times my uncle ‘made me feel good’ (still).
He used to open the louvers to let the security man watch and once, after school, brought his brother and driver come and do it too. Told they had never done it before, I should let them try and make me feel good too.
I’m scared its damaged me too much. i’m scared that I’ll never be able to find the right man (or even if he exists). i’m scared that I should have fought. Just so much fear and not enough healing. I’m told its not my fault, but I don’t know. That’s just not how I feel.
Thank you for this space and this post.
Dearest Dzifa,
I’m so sorry you were sexually abused by your uncle. It must be so painful for you that besides your uncle, all these other men joined in molesting you. I’m very very sorry about it and I hope that slowly, you find a way of getting healed from this terrible experience. I totally relate to the fact that you feel that it’s your fault although you’ve been told it’s not. This is typical in abuse cases where the abuser ‘grooms’ the victim before he molests him/ her.
Grooming simply means that the abuser befriends you, comforts you and wins your trust before he molests you. After he has molested you, you feel that you are somehow to blame because after all, you ‘enjoyed’ the comforting. Oftentimes, in those types of sexual abuse, the victim is likely to enjoy the act too because the abuser is ‘gentle’ during the molestation & goes slowly about it. This link should tell you more about grooming during sexual abuse http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming
Dzifa, you are not alone. I know that you don’t believe it but it is not your fault. The fact that you didnt tell anyone doesnt make it your fault. As a child, you sensed that it wasnt safe for you to tell and that’s why you didnt tell. it wasnt because you condoned the actions. the fact that you enjoyed the sexual acts doesnt mean that it’s your fault. children are physical beings just as adults are and they respond to sexual stimuli. that is why little boys & girls masturbate. it’s natural. would you blame a little girl for giggling when she’s tickled? no! because it’s a natural reaction to external stimuli. it’s the same in your situation. it was a natural reaction to something that was done to you and it’s only the perpetrators who should be ashamed.
i understand your fears about the abuse damaging you too much. you see, my psychologist says that after being abused, a victim will never be the same as she was before. it’s similar to someone who been involved in a serious car crash. he/ she may sustain injuries and may become impaired. you have had an emotional car crash and sustained a lot of emotional injuries.
however, although you can’t be the same, you can be stronger (in spirit) and a survivor. i don’t know whether you’ve watched oprah or a documentary and seen people that were severely damaged by an accident or are burn victims or have had masectomy for cancer and survived. Often, they are so beautiful! they have an ethereal beauty that radiates from within.they are towers of strength. they are an inspiration to lots of people. they have learned to treasure even the little things. they have stared death in the face and triumphed.
That is what you should aspire to become as a survivor of abuse. Sure, everytime you have sex with your partner, it will feel wierd at points and you may occasionally have flashbacks but you can work hard to reclaim your sexuality and personality! i used to cry (at some point) anytime that i had ‘loving’ sex with my boyfriend but i’ve moved from that point to a stage where i’ve started (slowly) to enjoy intimacy and sex. i’m slowly getting healed.
getting the right partner counts. we survivors of abuse are often likely to date men who are selfish & abuse us. please try not to fall into that trap & find yourself in a healthy relationship with someone that you can comfortably disclose your past abuse to & who will gently support you in dealing with it. take it a day at a time.
it may also be time to reinvent your sexual fantasies. instead of masturbating to things your uncle did to make you feel good, find other erotics things that get you heated up which you can masturbate to (hello, erotic novels anyone!).
and if it all becomes too much, you can try talking to a psychologist and people who love you about it ok? we your sisters at Adventures say we love you very much and wish you all the best. you can drop a mail for me at ekubabentil@gmail.com if you ever feel like you want someone to talk to about all these things that are going on.
lots of love and light
I was sexually molested when I was 6 by my father’s nephew and we carried this on till I was about 11. To this day, I don’t know why I never reported this molestation and it grieves me to think I may have encouraged it. I am outside of the country (Ghana) where I could go see a shrink, but I won’t ever dream about telling another person again. I did tell my mother about a year ago and her reaction shamed me to the core. She confronted him IN FRONT OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS and he categorically denied it. Now everybody knows my shame. My mother is disaapointed in me for not saying something then and still asks why I never did. I don’t blame her, that is how she knows how to handle it. I am a beautiful woman (or so people have told me), yet I am socially akward and don’t have any self-worth. I am just now learning to love myself. I have never had an orgasm and I don’t know how to act normally around a man. A man made a mistake to love me once a while back and I totally broke his heart and mine in the process. I know something’s gotta change but I’m still lost in the woods trying to find some light in the dark. This post depresses me 🙁
Kaks, i’m very sorry your cousin molested you. five years is a really long time to have to go through such trauma and my heart goes out to you. you really shouldn’t blame yourself for not reporting the molestation.
close your eyes for 1 sec and imagine that you have a 6 year old daughter or niece who has been molested and she’s afraid to tell you. how do you feel towards her? are you angry with her? do you blame her? i conjecture that you dont blame her but you feel compassion towards her and want to help her. now open your eyes. the same way that the imaginary daughter/ niece deserves compassion & not blame, that’s how you deserved and still deserve compassion and love.
that’s where your mum went wrong. when you told her she should have exercised enough compassion and love not to embarrass you in public like she did. the fact that you were even the object of her anger shows that she was way out of line.
i suspect that it’s because of the horrible way she handled the situation that you’re wary of approaching a psychologist or telling someone else. but you see, the fact that the 1st person you told reacted this way doesnt mean that you should shy away from telling someone else. as you say, you are lost in the woods and telling a trusted person and a psychologist will be a step to finding the light. you know why it’s important you find the light? because verysoon, you may have daughters (not just in the biological sense) and if you’ve not learnt how to deal with this matter and get healed from them, you may end up transferring a lot of bitterness, pain and unresolved issues to them because that’s what you have in you at the moment as a result of the molestation.
Please, try and find emotional healing through the services of a trained professional or at least tell a trusted person who is emotionally healthy and can help you sort out your hurt feelings and your issues. dont worry about the orgasm that you’ve not been able to achieve or the men you’ve pushed away. there are many fishes in the sea (some are even tastier i must say!) and you can always have orgasms aplenty!!!
just sort out these emotional issues and i promise you, you’ll be able to gradually sort out the relationship issues as well. so sorry the post depressed you 🙁 but i’m grateful it’s gotten you to speak your mind. i wish you all the best and drop me an email if you ever feel like you just want to chat about your issues with someone. kisses
I swear I am a peaceful man, but here I draw the line… If anyone, in their utter stupidness, touches my daughter or son. I swear by the lord Jesus, I will take a very violent and brutal revenge on that person.
@ Ekuba, you are very brave! keep up the spirit.
thx Babyjet 🙂 and i’ll pass the message on to all those perverts to keep away from your kids or face pepper, lol
I am with Babyjet on this and I always pray to God, no pervert drives me to this.
Pingback: Report: 91% of school girls are sexually abused | Dust Magazine ()
wow, i had no idea dust magazine had cited this article! i hope that anyone who reads the article and is a molestation survivor will be reassured that he/ she’s not alone.
my experiences are with lots of people. it started when I was 8.I have been touched by my mom’s cousins a lot of times… some would suck my breast, with some they gave me oral sex, some would take me to places to play sex games. I remember having enjoyed each experience. I still long for my uncles to do that to me again.
Falsum even that is normal – the relationship might not be healthy but you were young and learned to equate these feelings of sex(ual abuse) as love.
(I mean the association might not be healthy).
Omg……I cannot believe I am just now coming across this blog. I feel like i’m reading my own story.I was sexually molested by an uncle too when I was 4 and then again by another uncle when I was 14. I know it is very common within the African community but rarely is anyone open about it. The whole abuse experience has totally destroyed me. For a while I had the memories blacked out in my mind but they were still in my subconscious. I did go thru the multiple one-night stand phase and felt like shit every time. Sex is never pleasurable (even when it starts out great)and always painful. I’ve never been able to let my guard down with guys to allow myself to have a boyfriend and I’m 24 now. I did start seeing a therapist though which is hard because every time I relieve experiences I tried for years to forget. She encouraged me to tell my mom abt it (which will break her heart) and confront my uncle too. So Ebuka…….thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Hmmmmmm…..pls let me ask….why are the molesters always uncles….huh..
Maybe it’s a reflection of reality. I was molested by my Uncle when I was young so I can see that happening with others as well. If I wrote a ‘story’ about molestation the molester will definitely be an Uncle
Pingback: Why African Women SHOULD Talk About Sex Pt. 1 : For The Children | FindPalava Woman ()