On being a born again virgin and my sexual drought…

I’m a born again virgin. Well that’s how my friend E described me a few weeks ago ‘cos I seem to be going through the longest sexual drought that I have ever experienced. Now I’m very aware that my definition of a sexual drought may not be your definition of what constitutes a drought, but in my world it’s the Sahara. The last time I had ‘full on’ sex was in March this year, but since then its only been a few instances of oral sex with an ex and one of my special friends (in separate encounters I may add). Even my toys no longer seem as exciting…

So what’s accounted for this sexual drought?

Clearly not being in a relationship, and not having a buddy is one reason…not wanting random hook ups is another…not wanting to have sex with an ex is another…being too busy to f*#@ even makes the list.


A few weeks ago I spent some time in London. In anticipating my trip I also anticipated some mind-boggling sex cos in London I have waaayyyy too many people. There is the hot Cuban who gives the best oral ever, my ex long term buddy, my entrepreneurial ex colleague (people who can inspire me with their business acumen get me all hot and bothered), my significant ex (whom I had no intention of going there with), and at least 2 other solid options. Surely the drought would end in London? When I went lingerie shopping with my friend and bought a translucent fuchsia set she kept saying “Ah, you should save this lingerie for the night you break your virginity…”

So what went wrong?

The hot Cuban was the one I was most interested in going there with. I have many good memories of happy orgasms with him, and I knew he would do his special trick (he goes down on you, and doesn’t stop till you cum thrice). Even before I got to London I sent him a message via FB to say ‘Hey, I’ll be in your world soon’.  And he responded saying ‘Call me! Its urgent’.  Now that’s one of the disadvantages where C is concerned, he’s always broke so I am always the one who has to call him. To give him credit though he has never tried to sponge off me…so after a couple of days I called him:

Hey C, it’s Nana.

Nanita, come and see me now. You should stay over. I have moved to a new place and I have my own room.

I can’t come and see you right now. I was just calling to let you know I’m in town. I’ll be in your area on Friday. I can come over then.

I might not be available on Friday

[Me thinking to myself: What? But you don’t have a job? You just told me that you’re waiting for your security guard badge. Just because I am not going to drop everything I’m doing to come over for some good head. Tsewww]

Okay. I’ll call you on Friday; if you’re available I’ll pass by…

Eventually I called on Monday when I had a meeting in his area. He didn’t pick up, and never responded to my voicemail.

In my mind I had a mental scoreboard. C was at the top of the list. Then there was N. N is a cutie which is kind of an incongruous way to describe him because he is a much older man. Three and a half years ago when we first hooked up he was about 46 I think. He still holds the record for being the oldest man I have ever hooked up with. But way before we hooked up we would chat for ages about business ideas. He was such an inspirational person to talk to. We had only hooked up once before so it kinda feels like we have some unfinished business.

N and I had tentatively planned to meet on Tuesday but when I hadn’t received confirmation from him by 9am on Tuesday, I made other plans. At about 10am he sends a text saying ‘See you at 5.30’. Ermmm, no you can’t. Aba! Do you think I’m just sitting there waiting for you? So we made plans for Thursday. On Thursday he wanted to reschedule for Friday. That was the end of plans with N.

Its like the Goddess didn’t want me to get some.

So I’m back home in Ghana now and the lovely translucent fuchsia bra remains in the lovely tissue the sales person wrapped it in.

My one exciting sexual purchase for myself (note self, cos my purchase for someone else is a whole other post) was a new anthology of lesbian erotica. Lesbian erotica is so hot! Who else think so? And what tips do you have a sex blogger in the midst of a sexual drought?

20 comments On On being a born again virgin and my sexual drought…

  • Does it count as a dry spell if you’re in a long distance relationship? #enquiringminds

  • @Chrysalis – Yes it does 🙂 Those long distance spells can be even more painful cos you have someone you should be enjoying the oasis with 🙂

  • Lol, lol, lol!! I know … it’s not that funny, but can’t help it cause it really is typical. And I laugh because I can really relate to the whole experience. From not getting any real action for ever so long for all the reasons to the men actually thinking that they can shift the “good hour” around anyhow and still find you waiting in the centre … like some pivot.

    Hope you get to break the drought soon, but make sure it’s real good when you do!

  • I don’t think you called out loudly enough to the Goddesses…You simply made lists…(crackin’ the hell up about C by the way!!)

    Anyways what you needed to do was to put it out there to the universe for the Goddess to actually HEAR you… #thatisall

  • Hey ND, you made my morning. Working dryly through a big proposal, perfect break antidote.

    But tell me: how do you keep those oral sex episodes to just oral sex, especially with partners you seem to like? Are the ground rules already established?

    Secondly, I think it’s clear that both you and whatever guy you’re exchanging emails/calls/texts with is doing the same thing: juggling opportunities. No one is to blame, really isn’t much commitment on both sides. In my experience, when I’ve tried to juggle and blown off the real sure banker for the exciting floater on the horizon, it’s always come back to bite me in the ass and I’ve gone to bed solo.

    Lesson: floaters and juggles specialize in floating and juggling, not in getting laid.

    But, I tell ya, sure things don’t necessarily make great posts, and this certainly was a great post.

  • you are so funny to me, and i’m guessing maybe because the things you say mirror what’s going on in my life and my own feelings (minus your period issue as i don’t have issues in that arena…well, the flow is heavier but i can’t say i’m truly bothered by it)

    i have an ex who isn’t really my ex anything but an ex long-term fuck who i thought i liked a lot, who really isn’t worth my present time

    i have a long distance who is oh so worth it but i don’t do long distance and i don’t do waiting

    i have a haphazard almost local

    and one that i’m working on, well, i seem to be always working on but truth is these days, i don’t have the time because of kids and college, and i’m impatient and men keep turning me off at the very beginning of the game with their serious communication inabilities

    what to do?

  • @Naa Adaku – That’s part of the pressure isn’t it? The longer you go without, the more worthwhile you want your next encounter to be…#pressure. Eh! Say some, and say some again…as if I am the kind of woman to sit around waiting for you to be ready. Shiaaa

    @SheRoxLox – Sistren. I am the Goddess of lists. I haver a list for everything…including nooky 🙂 Oh but what should I have done instead? Please send me some sisterly advice

    @Kofi A – We aim to please…sometimes 🙂 Hmmm, how do I explain the oral sex only encounters? Hmmm. Well with one person its kinda our thing…with the other person, we know we really shouldn’t be doing anything so I think its become our way of being able to do a ‘Clinton’ in the future…

    @damidwif – Trust me, you’re so lucky you don’t have my period issues. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Upon second thoughts…anyway I stray. I think one of the nice things about Adventures is that by sharing our stories we realise we are not alone with whatever our story is 🙂

  • Fantastic! The drought made it possible for you to write this. And this is important because there are so many women, married and single, who endure long periods of drought. The real catch is that one does not want to be whoring. The other is the expectation of men who become a casual sex partner. The reader in me sees a parallel between what you wrote and a paragraph in a book that I read. Especially on the expectation of casual sex partners and overcoming a drought. I will be back soon…

  • Yes, I’m back. The book I was thinking of is The Cry of Winnie Mandela by Njabulo Ndebele. It’s a fictional work that follows the lives of four women, with a fictional Winnie making an appearance, as they wait for their husbands who leave for various reasons. None of the men return. In one section, a woman talks about facing her doom in the form of a childhood friend of her son’s. She sleep with him. She calls it fucking and thumping. He starts to make demands of her Anyway, she eventually breaks it off with him. I digress…. My point is, Nana, this issue is BIG for many generations of women. Over decades and centuries. I don’t have any answers but I know that I would like to do a post on the vagina in The Cry of Winnie Mandela. My general review is Here

  • @Kinna – How did you manage to make me feel good about my drought? By reminding me that it evoked creativity and providing me with a sense of solidarity with other women around the world. Thank you. I LOVE your review of “The Cry of Winnie Mandela”. Now I need to find the book 🙂 Thanks for sharing

  • And casual sex feels overrated, dates i’ve been on recently, I find myself asking guys questions about their sexual performance in advance so i don’t waste time an some anti-climax. lol

    @kinna i just got Ndebele’s book the other day! Can’t wait to read it.

  • @Ms Afropolitan – Hahahah, your comment cracked me up. So, how do you bring the ‘sexual performance’ question up during the dates. Give me a scenario 🙂 Pretty please. I have a visual right now of you at dinner with a hot guy and whilst making idle chit chat you say, “So how do you feel about oral sex?”. Him: sputter, sputter, sputter….

  • Too funny, ND & MsAfropolitan:

    Asking guys about their sexual performance is like looking at a codpiece for insight into….

  • @MsAfropolitan – I do the same thing! I do it even before I even waste my time on a date. I find its better for everyone involved for me to have a clear understanding of what a guy’s potential is, even before I agree to meet him on a date. Chale, the disappointments are too many..

  • @Nana @Chrysalis @Kofi LOL. One thing I do (which must make men think, damn she is ON it, is I grope as soon as I can ie when we kiss). Size is not all though, so I ask what turns them on and that tends to get the revelatory conversation going. If he says something quite intricate, like that he likes the way a woman’s veins protrude when she is turned on, okay…something like that, I’m pretty much making love to him already. On the other hand, if he says something vulgar-ish like he likes the smacking sound of buttocks then i ain’t going there. Simple

  • @Nana, roflmao. too funny. yes, that scenario is a bit familiar. how did you know? 😉

  • @Ms Afropolitan – Oh my goodness. Feeling the package at the first opportunity is hilarious. I might take a tip out of your book one of these days (wink, wink). On that note…the drought may be ending in a few hours…my friends have been working overtime to try and hook me up and there is a very interesting prospect on his way with a bottle of wine. I’ll keep you posted…

  • Oh-ho, some poor guy is feeling the vise-like grip of a drought ending…

    I’m all for package feeling, especially if it ends up being the last thrill… it might be just enough to get a good solo session going later.

  • Hmmmmmmmmm… Ladies well what u would call me??? I haven’t had sex in almost 3 yrs!!!!! I think my drought had largely to do with the fact that I am really not into the casual/random sex thing. Also I have been super busy with my 2 1/2 yr old daughter, my many jobs and my Masters- somehow I never “made time” for getting back into the whole relationship thing. I really wanna get back in the proverbial sack- any suggestions ladies?

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