The Madonna-Whore Complex: Why Your Husband Doesn’t Desire You Anymore

Let me give you a scenario. Imagine falling in love with the man of your dreams who is also great in bed. So, you have this man who is attracted to you and can’t keep his hands off of you, and then after you get married, things drastically change. He is no longer interested in sex with you. You have tried everything; covet seduction, bold seduction, cajoling, and convincing, but nothing seems to work. He no longer gives you the epic sex you had become accustomed to. In fact, he no longer seems to be attracted to you at all. You start doubting yourself and your sexual appeal. You wonder what you’ve done wrong. He says there’s nothing wrong.

So, you start thinking that your husband must be too exhausted or stressed by work to think about sex anymore. Besides, nothing else has changed. He is still attentive, loving, and kind. The only different thing is that he is no longer interested in going down and dirty with you. You start to think that maybe you’re overreacting. So even though you have doubts, you convince yourself that things will get better when he’s less stressed. Except that they don’t. In fact, things take on a worse turn when you discover him sexting another woman. You see the provocative words, the sexual banter, and the naughty promises, and it finally dawns on you that your husband hasn’t changed at all. He is still the sexually active man you used to date. He is still having sex all right, just not with you. He is doing everything he used to do with you with another woman. 

When, insanely hurt and broken-hearted, you confront him, asking what you did to turn him off you and into the arms of another woman, he assures you that you didn’t do anything wrong. He just no longer sees you as a sexual being because you are now his wife, a “Madonna” who should be held in “high” esteem. He can no longer “degrade” you with his carnal desires and must find a “whore” to fulfil that desire.

This is a clear example of the Madonna-Whore Complex in action. Sometimes, the lack of interest happens after you have had a baby, and he now sees you as a mother and no longer wants to be sexually intimate with you.

What is the Madonna-Whore Complex? 

The term Madonna-Whore Complex, also known as the Madonna-Mistress Complex, was coined by Sigmund Freud, one of psychology’s greatest albeit controversial names in the early 1900s. This dichotomy categorises women as either saintly “Madonnas” (the Virgin Mary) or debased “whores.” 

A man with the Madonna-Whore Complex finds it challenging to be sexually intimate with his wife or any woman he is emotionally attached to. This is because he subconsciously associates her with purity and nurturing (a Madonna), making it difficult to perceive her as a sexual being and instead, desires a sexual partner who has been degraded (a whore). For such men (usually straight men), it is difficult to perceive a woman as both nurturing and sexual. In modern terms, it describes the way some men see women as either “marriage material” or desirable. They don’t desire the women they consider to be “marriage material”, and they don’t think that the women they desire are worth marrying. 

To quote Sigmund Freud directly:  “Where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.”

For some men, the distinction exists after marriage. For others, it is immediate. This sometimes explains why a man would date a woman for years and then marry a different, more conservative woman and still desire to keep their exes on the side for sex. It can also explain why some men choose conservative, “natural” women as their wives while serial-cheating with more sensual, and fashion-conscious women.

Other examples of the Madonna-Whore Complex can be seen in societal attitudes toward women’s sexuality. Married women are judged for being too vocal about their sexuality, or for looking too sensual. In some African communities, a married woman is expected to change her wardrobe to look more conservative after marriage, perpetuating the idea that marriage has made them “pure” and they now have to dress to reflect their new Madonna status. 

The significance of the Madonna-Whore Complex lies in its impact on relationships and perceptions of women. This can create difficulties in forming healthy, balanced relationships and can contribute to women feeling confused and disillusioned when their partners struggle to see them as complex individuals with both nurturing and sexual dimensions.

The connection between the Madonna-Whore Complex and Misogyny 

Feminist theory suggests that the Madonna-Whore Complex (MWC) is rooted in misogyny and patriarchal beliefs, and negatively affects women’s mental health, sexual freedom, autonomy, and safety. This is partly because the fear of being put into the whore category can force single women to subdue their sexuality to be considered “marriage material.” 

Not only does MWC contribute to women feeling objectified and dehumanised, but it also promotes shaming women with sexual freedom, thereby reinforcing double standards and gender stereotypes. 

Furthermore, researchers, Emily Kane and Mimi Schippers, discussed in their study on men’s and women’s beliefs about gender and sexuality that men are threatened by assertive female sexuality. Their theory suggests that men believe that reducing women’s sexual autonomy minimises women’s potential power to use their sexuality to manipulate or emasculate them.

To summarise, the complex promotes controlling of women’s bodies and sexuality, contributing to gender inequality, domestic abuse, and sexual violence. 

Why and how to battle the Madonna-Whore Complex 

So, what’s the way forward? The idea that women can only be grouped into one of those two categories (a pure, nurturing woman or a whore) is not only woefully inaccurate but also dangerous. It is crucial for us to collectively challenge and dismantle these societal attitudes and expectations. Encouraging open communication and understanding within marriages can also help men break free from the constraints of the Madonna-Whore Complex, fostering a deeper connection and appreciation for the complexities of women’s identities.

Promoting education and open discussions about the Madonna-Whore Complex in schools, workplaces, and communities is another way to tackle such misogynistic beliefs. Raising awareness can help us challenge societal norms and encourage critical thinking about gender roles and stereotypes.

We can also advocate for more diverse and realistic portrayals of women in media and popular culture. Showcasing multifaceted and authentic representations of women can help us to challenge the narrow stereotypes perpetuated by the Madonna-Whore Complex.

Men who are struggling with the Madonna-Whore Complex should consider seeking therapy and counselling. Professional support can help them unpack and address deep-seated beliefs and attitudes, fostering healthier perspectives on intimacy and relationships. Furthermore, studies have shown that the Madonna-Whore Complex can impact intimacy and sexual satisfaction in relationships, and men with MWC not only endorse patriarchy but also show lower relationship satisfaction. Overcoming this complex involves challenging these deeply ingrained societal attitudes and recognising the multifaceted nature of women’s identities.

In conclusion, the Madonna-Whore Complex has far-reaching impacts on marriages, women’s autonomy, and both men’s and women’s mental well-being, sexual function, and relational health and intimacy. Challenging this harmful and inaccurate narrative is essential for healing from its damaging effects and promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships.