Age is just a number — or is it? Relationship age gaps in African society have always been accepted — when it’s an older man and younger woman dynamic. We see parents urging their daughters to date older men, and in extreme cases, fathers have been known to sacrifice their daughters to marry their cronies to improve the family’s finances. I firmly believe that all the “respect politics”, “leadership” and submission patriarchy demands from women, is deeply rooted in age-gap marriages.
Over time, feminists have fought against this norm and raised awareness of the power imbalance and exploitation it creates against women who date and marry older men.
Dating or marrying younger men is less common for women because, unlike men, women seek maturity in their romantic partnerships as one of the major criteria. There’s also the issue of being at different points in your lives where your goals and current aspirations don’t align. However, in some rare cases, especially when both parties are past a certain age and the power imbalance isn’t an issue, should age-gap relationships with men be considered acceptable?
On this edition of Chit-chat with the Gurls, we’re breaking down the topic of age gaps in reverse. Is age just a number when it comes to love and romance, or should women stick to their age mates? Our fabulous ladies, Doyin, a Nigerian Feminist Witch and writer; Nosa, also a Nigerian writer; and Aida, a Kenyan visual artist and environmentalist, are here to discuss the topic with me.
Icebreaker:
Picture this: You’re 29 years old, single, and suddenly and inexplicably in love with a man four years your junior. What would be your reaction as an emoji?
Aida: ???
Doyin: First off, I can’t picture it, please. Even in my imagination, I have never imagined dating someone 4 years younger or older?. My emoji reaction is ?.
Nosa: ?
- So ladies, society seems to have a PhD in double standards—older men with younger women are ‘distinguished’, but women with younger men get called ‘cougars’. Before we unleash our claws on this topic, where do you stand on dating the “youth”: ‘Why Not?’, ‘It Depends’, or ‘Hell, no?'”
Aida: It truly depends. Everyone has a different match out there for them and there are very mature younger people and shockingly immature older ones.
Doyin: Hell, no. Why don’t you want someone your age?
Nosa: It depends.
- What factors influence your decision? Is it about maturity, life goals, or something else entirely? What experiences or observations have shaped this boundary for you?
Aida: Maturity. I have younger and older friends with different insights and life experiences that make them compatible with me. I believe this can apply to dating as well.
Doyin: Maturity, and let’s not sugarcoat anything. Man or woman, you know someone 4 years+ younger than you doesn’t have the same reasoning as you. Our life goals are different, too. It just feels like a predator move.
Nosa: I think that women dating younger men is fine under the same conditions that it would be fine for men to date a younger woman. That both parties are adequately mature—teenagers are for their age mates, please—that their ages do not cause a heavy power imbalance. That other factors which age impacts, like career and financial stability, are not heavily imbalanced (a thirty-year-old has no business with a twenty-year-old in university, but a thirty-year-old and a forty-year-old couple is fine to me because they probably both have reasonable financial power).
- How do you think the feminist movement has influenced society’s perception of age-gap relationships, particularly when women are the older partners?
Aida: I don’t think much positive progress has been made here. I think sometimes feminists tend to have blanket statements or judgements for age-gap dynamics that don’t take into consideration the individual dynamic. That being said, however, I do agree with the scepticism that comes when the man is older, as that is the more common phenomenon.
Doyin: It’s still two-sided. One side believes that women can also benefit from the agelong tradition of age-gap relationships—one previously meant for men—but I definitely lean to the one that fits my ideology. Leave younger people alone.
Nosa: I think feminism has helped by challenging the following misogynistic ideas:
- that women age like milk while men age like wine, so older women must necessarily have fewer romantic options.
- that the pseudo-paedophilic pairings where very young girls must become romantic wards of older accomplished men is the proper order of affairs.
- ?that women naturally (not due to socialisation) reach greater psychological maturity than men their age, and so it is only men much older than them that can be on par with them mentally.
- that women must be romantically paired with older men because it is culturally acceptable to submit to your elders.
- Very interesting perspectives. Do you believe there’s a difference between casual dating and serious relationships when it comes to age gaps?
Aida: Definitely. I don’t think the age gap determines whether something is casual or serious, and it can be either.
Doyin: ?????
No difference to me.
Nosa: No. I think the same principles apply. No 30-year-old woman should be having a fling with a 21-year-old or, heaven forbid, an 18-year-old! And the same applies in a romantic relationship. Leave baby-adults for their age-mates.
- How do you respond to the common stereotype that feminists are “against traditional relationship structures” when you consider age dynamics in relationships?
Aida: I don’t think that stereotype is accurate, and I think feminists do find themselves in diverse types of relationships, including age-gap ones.
Doyin: Please, feminists did this, feminists did that. If we want to keep listening to outside noise, our feminism will go nowhere.
But I think it’s nice that feminists have fought for equal relationship structures. #womeninmaledominatedspaces
Nosa: My response is “ehen”? So what about it? If you don’t see anything wrong with the age dynamics of rational relationship structures, we don’t have anything to talk about.
- If your best friend started dating someone significantly younger, what would your initial reaction be, and how might your feminist values influence that reaction?
Aida: I’d definitely be amused but willing to adjust that perception depending on the actual person they’re dating. I do worry that it’s a double standard to be sceptical of men who date much younger and not women. My feminist instinct tells me it’s predatory, but that’s something I’m willing to adjust depending on the situation. Fortunately or unfortunately, I’d be more trusting of an older woman in a relationship than an older man.
Doyin: 2 years is the highest I can accept, biko. Leave that boy alone??.
I’ve always believed that one of the reasons we have unequal dynamics in heterosexual relationships in Africa is age. Romantic relationships aside, we know how much African societies attach everything to age and respect. And the time you bring in a romantic relationship, it just gives room for some sort of power play.
Nosa: Since she is my best friend, and I know she will not go and carry a child in the name of romance, my first reaction would be to give her a high-five and ask for the full gist. Which is what I do whenever there’s positive romantic news.
Sign-off:
Well, it seems like when it comes to dating younger men, the jury is still out on the feasibility and morality. Age might just be a number to some—but obviously, some numbers require more feminist analysis than others.
