Good girls don’t have sex if they want to get married or have a relationship. I think Emz who commented on the previous post hit the nail on the head when she said, that’s “the African Woman’s Conundrum”. I think it’s even more of a conundrum because most women intellectually know that having sex does not equate badness yet through personal experience some women have had to make the decision that if what they want is a relationship or marriage then they cannot sleep with this attractive, good looking man even if he is the one they want the relationship/marriage with. In fact, especially if he is that man.
Recently I was having dinner with a group of girlfriends (I have realised that a lot of my posts are inspired by conversations with women) and as usual the conversation turned to men and relationships. (Can I go off track here? I seriously think women spend TOO much time talking and thinking about men. It’s ridiculous. I am convinced men do not spend one-tenth of the time we spend talking about them, talking about us). Personally I had hoped that for women in their thirties this issue of “not giving it up” would no longer be an issue. I had hoped that women could decide to have safe, consensual sex with whomever they want to have sex with without waiting for a set period (in order to pass the goodness test). I had hoped that men no longer judged women by how long they took to “give it up”. Even that phrase “giving it up” is highly problematic. If sex which should be a consensual act between two individuals is often thought of as an act which one gives up and the other takes then that is where the problem starts.
Back to this dinner with my girls; over the starters and main course we updated one another on our lives and by default on our relationships/lack of relationships/complicated relationships and I found to my growing surprise that by the time dinner ended three of my girlfriends had decided not to have sex until…One girlfriend decided to abstain for a year and another joined her in solidarity. The third girl stated (I later found out that I had misquoted her slightly on the previous post – but the meaning is the same), “Why would you want to pay for the cow when you are getting the milk for free”. Oh and by the way there were only four girls at the dinner table.
Now even though I was the only girl/woman who did not sign up to not having sex until…I can understand where my sisters were coming from. My conversation with this particular group of girls is an echo of other conversations I have had, experiences I have heard about and books I have read. Experience appears to have taught a significant amount of women that if you want to be in a relationship then you better not give up the pussy too soon because the man would either:
- Bounce because sex wasn’t that great or
- Want to continue having sex with you but not want to formalise the relationship.
Darian in a comment on the previous post spoke about the inherent hypocrisy in these double standards. These rules of sex = bad girl only apply to women. The reason for this is summed up in the word oft quoted by feminists, “patriarchy”.
I for one do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is narrow minded enough to judge me based on whether I have sex with that individual within 24 hours or 365 days.
P.S: Nana Yaw, I have heard about re-virginisation through Marie Claire and other publications but do not have a great deal to say on the subject in this particular post. Sorry.
11 comments On Good Girls don’t have sex if…
Nice post. My 2 cents: there are a lot of undercurrents of morality: “good,” “bad” etc. What happens when morality becomes a question of religion for some? So for example, I don’t think having sex makes me a “bad girl” in the non-religious, strictly moral sense (can that separation be made?). But I do believe that it is a “sin” bcoz I am not married (religious belief). Which is why I (would) abstain. Any responses to those of us for whom “good girl/bad girl” is determined by religious belief?
P.S. I don’t in reality abstain. I’m just plagued with guilt every time. Not too sure what to do about that. Anyone?
my religious belief says abstinence is ONLY one of the things that makes a good girl. I abstain because i firmly believe in abstinence, but I have other faults. Others don’t abstain…but abstinence is only one thing that is forbidden in religion. lots of other stuff make a person bad to0. this whole abstain automatically =good baffles me.n Where does it say if you abstain then you are ONLY good in the Bible? (or Qu’ran, or any other holy book?) What about those who abstain because they are not brave enough to NOT abstain? Or those who abstain simply because they have never had the chance to NOT abstain? Abstinence alone doesn’t do anything for anyone.
That’s all right, Nana, the cow-and-milk theory is intriguing too!
@ Darian: small clarification. We seem to be saying the same thing. Sex doesn’t automatically make one bad. Abstinence (outside of marriage) is only one of 10 commandments etc etc. What I was trying to get at with my first comment is that my religious belief has taught me to classify sex (“fornication”) as “bad”/”sin” etc and puts it in the same category as all those other things that make a person “bad” eg stealing, lying, killing etc. This is what my religion tells me.
My “personal opinion” tells me that there is a problem with the equation of sex with “bad”/”sin”. I love my bf and I can’t classify the beautiful, intimate moments we have as “bad.” So I am having a religion/personality clash. And I know many (religious) African women in my situation. In what ways can we re-orient our minds to remove the guilt and stigma from sex? Esp for (religious) African women?
A sex blog for example? 😀 In a nutshell, I am asking the same question as Nana’s post, but instead of the “cow-and-milk theory” (loving the phrasing, Nana Yaw), I am asking for opinions on those of us whose motivation is the much deeper issue of religious belief. By the way, kudos Nana for this excellent forum. Your audience is getting larger!
on behalf of some of the more prudish/religious (yet freaky) African women out there
Well….. (apologies to Nana for turning this into a religious forum…) I don’t think it can be gotten around. the intimate moments with your bf aren’t bad, but you aren’t married, they are forbidden. that’s all.
(sorry if i don’t seem to be getting it. I can be thick sometimes!!!) no more religious postulating, lol.
I absolutely love and enjoy this blog Nana Darkoa! Do keep it up.
I agree, the idea in general African culture is that good girls don’t have sex outside of marriage because then they make themselves seem cheap and any potential husbands will see them as ‘used’.
Like Preacher’s wife said though, I think in Africa, ‘good girl’ may be more ‘religious girl’ than anything else. I know Christian girls who have had sex outside of marriage and are worried about what it means for their relationship with God…but somehow that doesn’t make them want to stop because again, like Preacher’s wife said, it’s too beautiful an act for it to be wrong. I would think there’s more conflict with religion than society.
@Preacher’s wife: from a religious perspective, I don’t believe there is anyway to re-orient minds without turning your back on the Bible or Qu’ran because re-orienting minds in this case is equal to giving your self a whole new set of beliefs. I guess this is why people prefer to live without religion: it is black and white, right and wrong. There’s no in-between, no luke warm.
@Preachers Wife – I think you have raised an important issue that I did not even think about when I was writing this post – Religion. You are so right, alongside the cow and milk theory (thanks Nana Yaw, we have to trademark this theory as Adventures Intellectual Property)one’s faith leads to internal civil war when you are living outside the parameters of that faith.
So on response to what to do if you are plagued by guilt everytime you have sex? Stop having sex. I don’t think there is a way to reconcile unless you decide to loose your faith.
@Nana Yaw – I’m tasking you to work on my intellectual property tights, lol
@Darian – no need to apologise – you haven’t turned this into a religious forum, I think this is an important issue to discuss.
@Abbynah – thank you so much! I absolutely love getting compliments on the blog
Nana Darkoa I really must commend you for discussing such issues which are usually not seen in these places. I however think that men think more about sex than women do… I could be wrong though. and Abynah personally I think the ppl who go without religion do so for more resons than what you mentioned
Hey! Can’t wait to read your post after your sex shop experience. I’ve been exloring and studying sex and sexuality (read the Kama Sulta – original text – at 15;-) for over a decade. There are sooooo many toys out there, clamps, plugs, clit kits, pleasure beads, etc etc…
Keep up the good work!
@Tagoe – Thank you sooo much. Hmmm, men think about sex more than women? That’s the popular notion isn’t it. Frankly I don’t know if that’s a fact or not and if it is backed by ‘scientfic’ research. I do know that I think and blog about sex a lot and I’m sure a lot of other women do too…Now that I think about it, any research to determine the rate at which we (men and women) think about sex is likely to be distorted. Men are likely to say they think about sex more than they actually do to seem more macho and women are likely to say they think abou sex less than they do in order to seem ‘good’
@Chrysalis – the sexshop post did not win the popular vote so it might not get written about 🙂 unless I get struck by some inspiration!!! Do please share your knowledge – a guest post perhaps?
Nana, I love your writings, and i hope to learn a lot from you and especially from the comments. Thanks