Guest Contributor Adwoa: ‘Do you have unprotected sex?’

I have a friend (no, that’s not a euphemism for me, I’m actually talking about a friend) with whom I seem to keep having a reoccurring conversation.  Let me tell you about it.  My friend is an intelligent, articulate, assertive, ballsy woman who is knowledgeable about all things that pertain to sex and sexual health.  The conversation we have is about how she finds it difficult to insist her male sexual partners wear condoms during penetrative sex.  In spite of knowing that of her two current partners, one is not exclusive and the other has been seen around town with other girls, when in the heat of the moment guys refuse or bemoan the wearing of condoms, she relents and has unprotected sex.  We keep having this conversation because I contrast this behaviour with her behaviour outside of the bedroom where she takes no prisoners when it comes to getting what she wants.  The situation leads me to believe one of two things is the cause:

1) She doesn’t actually want them to wear condoms (because it feels ‘better’ without), but feels she should and thus feels she should make a half-hearted effort
2)Is intimidated when it comes to asking guys to wear condoms either because they’ll enquire who else she is sleeping with or because she’s afraid they’ll go off the idea of sleeping with her if she insists.

Actually, there’s a third, most likely option which is it’s a combination of the two.

Now, I am a little bemused by this situation I have to admit. I always make sure my lover wears a condom partly because I know he has another lover (well, more accurately,a wife but that’s a whole other story for discussion on another day) and partly because it isn’t an issue and there is no awkwardness.  Additionally he knows they’ll be no penetrative sex without one (I’m assertive inside as well as outside of the bedroom) and partly because (despite the fact I know it’ll sound naive to those unfamiliar with my personal situation) I know that he cares about me and we have a connection that goes back decades).

So, after much rambling, I come to the point of my missive.  Which is actually to ask Adventures readers a few questions and hope that you’ll indulge me with your usual candid responses:

1)Ladies , do you find it difficult to ensure your male partners wear condoms?

2)If you do, why do you feel that is the case?

3)Gentlemen, the onus is also on you. Do you insist on condom use?

4)Are your male or female partners are keen to use them?

Condoms galore!
Condoms galore!

9 comments On Guest Contributor Adwoa: ‘Do you have unprotected sex?’

  • I think the condom battle is real. I know I am always the one insisting…’okay put on your condom now’, and the guys are going ‘hold on’, ‘one sec’, ‘I just want to feel you a little bit first’. What’s up with all of that? Anyone else has similar experiences

  • No glove, no love. Take it or leave it.

    The issue of wearing a condom should be a non-issue really, especially in non monogamous relationships. That #2 is real oo and it is used to make one feel guilty! Never. Abeg, wear that ting and come let’s get darrrrrrry.

    By the way, I’m interested in the salacious details of your relationship, the writer. Seems juicy. Write a guest post.

  • The condom battle is totally real. It’s been that way for ages, and doesn’t seem to be getting any better! Middle income Ghanaians account for the fastest rise in new HIV infections, and the reasons/scenario you laid out are the reason why.

    Like Am said: no glove, no love!

    Still, it’s easier said than done, even if you set expectations up front. These men these days are very crafty about getting in the shower with no rain coat.

  • No condom no sex
    its a constant fight with a man when you insist on using a cd. but constantly you need to love yourself and protect yourself

  • It is easier said than done. I try not to have sex with women I feel the need to use a condom. If you are using Cd for protection then that already is a awkward situation, but if you are using cd to prevent pregnancy that is more understandable in my eyes. I like deep sensual love making and that involves no condom. I want who I’m having sex with to feel my sperm inside them and I want to feel there cream on me. So I have relationships with ppl I can do so.

  • No better way to have said it Busi.some women actually like it raw n raise doubt when I insist.for some guys who are out and about a lot, it comes in handy otherwise you need to feel all of ypur partner’s wetness and heat allover.

  • Sorry guys for the delay in responding whilst the website was down. Great to have it back up and running and looking forward the the upcoming hang out.

    @Busi-Can I ask how you determine when you don’t need to use a condom for protection from STIs. Is it when you’re in a monogomous relationship for example or when you are with someone you know has had tests before hand and whom you trust to tell you the truth about the results? I hear you with regards unprotected sex feeling more intimate and sensual.

    @Minnie- I agree that loving yourself means protecting yourself but wonder whether we underestimate our risk of STIs despite the statistics @Malaka quoted or whether we just try not to think about/hide form the possibility that the worst case senario could happen to us as we do if we engage in other risky behaviours like smoking or drink drive etc

    @Nana-any advice for us women on how to assert ourselves and insist on condom use without ruining the mood?

    @Am you are hilarious! The situation is less interesting than it sounds. My lover is a really private guy and unlikely to be happy with me writing a post about our relationship and I would respect his wishes. Suffice to say he is my ‘one’. He know my soul and loves me unconditionally because of who I am, not in spite of it and I feel sure I’ve loved him for a thousand lifetimes. If he doesn’t mind I’d be happy to write a post and try to get him to comment on his perspective. Wish me luck!

  • I absolutely insist on using condoms.
    I find it very responsible when a man has condoms in his pockets. I don’t care who he has been with, and I don’t want that ‘we are exclusive lie’ because you know we are not!
    i always insist and if the guy tries to argue it, in my mind I have started to wonder if he is going without protection with whoever he sleeps with!? And that’s a red flag. However with protection I am a bit of an extremist. I have had unprotected sex 3 times. I run to the hospital afterwards and called my partner the next day to ask if he had vaccinated against hepatitis and if he has been tested for sti’s in the past few months. That is how paranoid I am! Even though I still made him pull out. I also think now using condoms messes with your mind and makes it hard for you to relax and enjoy the whole sexual act. Your mind will be on diseases and pregnancies the whole time.
    I have had unprotected sex with someone I was dating exclusively for years and when I found out he was sleeping around, I literally felt like a trash can. No glove no love.

    • some guys as myself take pride in having sex with one women and really exploring each other. If i guy is getting it good in the bedroom then he will not be searching elsewhere.

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