I find it interesting that the articles that inspired me to write this post both focussed on how much women love to receive oral sex – that a man is not a man if he doesn’t “lick her till Tomorrow comes”.
As far as I’m concerned, yes oral sex is nice, but trust me, if your woman doesn’t know how to enjoy receiving oral sex, you might as well be licking a money’s ass because I can bet you my puny Ministry salary that she’ll be wishing that’s what you were doing instead.
Pussy eating, clam diving, carpet munching, cunnilingus… it’s a fine art – hello! it’s the basis of lesbian sex – but not many men (or women, for that matter) realise that the pressure to perform is complemented by the pressure to enjoy.
Many women hardly enjoy sex enough to allow themselves to orgasm, so imagine how it must feel when you’ve got your legs spread-eagled, the most intimate, most hidden, part of you, soaking wet…. it’s enough to make any woman curl her toes in apprehension.
What if I smell? What if he doesn’t like the way I taste? Does he like the way I look down there?
Ladies, these are all very legitimate questions and spending time getting to know (and like) your body is essential… correction: is the only way to rid yourself of that kind of tension. Cleansing your vajayjay daily (ideally twice a day) should get rid of the smell, but if that doesn’t help, it is very likely because you either have a yeast infection or worse, an STI (sexually transmitted infection). The yeast infection is easily treatable, but the STI… well, it depends on what you have….
I remember spend my summer holiday in London (Lewisham, to be exact) when I was 10 and it was the first time I was allowed to go out with my older cousin, Vanessa, and her friends. Somehow they got onto the topic of douching, to which the only white girl in our group pulled a face of absolute horror, claiming, “You’re not supposed to do that- it cleans itself!”
Trust me. Your vagina does not, I repeat, does not clean itself. It is also important that you wipe yourself well after having a wee, as the little droplets may cause an unpleasant smell (yes, I know it’s hard when you’re manoeuvring not to touch the toilet seat, but it’s the truth!).
Apart from hygiene, I can’t stress the importance of finding the right partner to “go down there”. Trust me when I say you need to be stingy with that *ish, and there’s a very rational reason for this too. Apart from the fact that in order to have good sex there must be a connection (sexual, emotional, etc), people often forget that you must have a confidently willing partner. Having a man and kind of doubt, do anything to you, isn’t a recipe for the best waakye on the corner.
I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners and this, for me, has been key. I never have sex with someone that isn’t absolutely sure that they want to have sex with me, to explore my body and create a pleasurable experience for us both.
Even though oral sex (also called ‘shrimping’:-) is so technical, there are a few ‘tricks’ that can help you lie back, relax and enjoy the pleasure that is cunnilingus. Go slow. I realise that slow for some men can span anything from 10 to 15 minutes. When I say slow, try not make anything in particular a goal for the evening. For instance, spend as long as you can kissing, just enjoying the feeling of your man’s lips on yours, his hands travelling (no groping!) around your body; and let that be the end all and be all. Once you reach the peak of that, you’ll automatically spill into something more intense, like grinding against each other, but again, make that the end all and not just another process to some other goal. Sex can still be fulfilling and enjoyable without penetration or orgasm.
Relax. There is nothing dirty, scandalous, taboo or sinful that can go on between two partners – so long as both partners consent and they practice safe sex. The society in which we live frowns on a number of sexual practices (including multiple partners, fetishes, bondage, etc) and we can’t but help be affected by the moral standards by which those around us live by, provided we don’t live by those standards ourselves. Like I said before, never have sexual relations with a person exhibiting any sign of doubt, and the same goes for yourself: you must never have sexual relations when you have any form of doubt… If you seem to be going through a “doubt” phase, don’t worry about it, respect it, because there’ll come a time when it’ll pass.
Acceptance and let go of fear. Let’s face it, we live in a society where a large percentage of us ladies have been sexually abused. The psychological repercussions of this can be great and long-lasting, often making it difficult for women to mentally allow themselves to enjoy any sexual act as a result of the guilt associated with it. In these cases, I can only suggest that you find a good man that respects your body as well as your mind because I’m sure, as a result of your experience, you’re the kind of woman to either a) wear your sexuality on your sleeve or b) be characterised by your intellect. Either way, you need a good partner to help rewire your perception on sexual acts. When you let go of fear, you make way for love…
Lastly, I think we need to respect those women who just don’t want to have oral sex performed on them. I guess it’s a bit like any sexual activity: some women don’t like having their toes sucked, others don’t want to be fucked doggy-style… To each his own, but the one thing every woman must ensure is that, whatever sexual activity you do like and engage in, make sure it worth it!
Chrysalis blogs at http://oranabutterfly.blogspot.com/
18 comments On Guest Contributor Chrysalis on How to Enjoy Having your Pussy Eaten
Chrys, you have raised some very important points, one of them is something I haven’t yet had the courage to blog on (but I will)…sexual abuse and the effect it has on our sexuality. Maybe someone will offer to author a guest contribution. Thanks a bunch!
I know! There’s a lot of sexual abuse going on in Ghana… especially by family members on small and teenage girls. What I’m particularly interested in putting out there is the fact that abusive sex doesn’t have anything to do with whether it hurts or not. Many women/ girls don’t realise that even if sex with an uncle/father/family friend/brother/etc feels good, it still is abuse. It kills me that this connection isn’t made.
I would love to see a post about how to deal with the shame from enjoying abusive sexual acts….
Chyrsalis, this is the most important contribution I’ve seen in my short time of reading this blog. You speak to an important issue that really shapes the way Ghanaians handle sexuality. Thanks.
As much as I enjoyed your contribution, I fear that I have to differ on one point.
As to the vagina cleaning itself, I have heard from authoritative sources that it does. I have even read that the vagina is a cleaner place than the mouth, bacteriologically speaking. Few people hesitate to kiss, which makes me think that vagina taboos arise from residual misogyny on the part of both sexes.
Of course, wearing tight clothes in a hot, sweaty environment does nothing good for armpits, either.
Kofi, I must agree that in theory, yes the vagina can self clean, but its no different from your scalp cleaning itself – which it does after a period of being dirty…
I don’t think that one must get down there with perfumed soaps (lifebuoy is a big NONO), but it is important for women to clean themselves ‘down there’. It is a crucial part of personal hygiene.
Im simply not a big fan of douching its generally been found to be more trouble than help.
Is Douching Healthy?
Simply stated, the answer is “No.”
According to a study published by the American Journal of Public Health, douching may reduce a woman’s chance of becoming pregnant during a particular month by approximately thirty percent.
Regular vaginal douching changes the delicate chemical balance of the vagina and can make a woman more susceptible to infections. Douching can introduce new bacteria into the vagina which can spread up through the cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes. Researchers have found that women who douche regularly experience more vaginal irritations and infections such as bacterial vaginosis, and an increased number of sexually transmitted diseases.
Furthermore, regular users of vaginal douches face a 73% greater risk of developing pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) — a chronic condition that can lead to infertility, or even death, if left untreated. Bacterial vaginosis and PID can have serious adverse affects on pregnancy including infections in the baby, labor problems, and preterm delivery.
For these reasons, douching is no longer recommended as a safe or healthy way to routinely clean the vagina. The only safe and healthy way to clean the vagina is to let the vagina clean itself. The delicate chemical balance of the vagina is very sensitive and easily disrupted by routine vaginal douching.
Chrysalis, I fear we are mixing apples and oranges. The scalp is definitely not like the vagina, thus the analogy is inexact.
Here’s a result from a quick Google search on the topic [Full piece may be read at this link: http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=13&compID=37%5D :
[begin quote]
If you move your fingers (in small circles inside the vagina or gently in and out of it), you may notice that your fingers slide around inside the vagina. The walls of the vagina may be almost dry to very wet. How wet your vagina is depends on you (some women naturally have wetter or drier vaginas), and your own wetness may change. Drier times usually occur before puberty, during lactation, and after menopause as well as during that part of the menstrual cycle right before and right after bleeding. Wetter times occur around ovulation, during pregnancy, and during sexual arousal. These continuous secretions provide lubrication, help keep the vagina clean, and maintain the acidity of the vagina, which helps to prevent some infections. Thus the vagina is a wonderful self-cleaning instrument that does not require douching. In fact, douching may be harmful to your vagina.
[end quote]
Please pay particular attention to the last three or four sentences in extract.
@ Korshie: I’m a little confused… I never said that douching is the way to go… I completely agree with you here.
@ Kofi: The concept is the same. The scalp does clean itself and I know the vagina does too. But, and I’m going to be brutally honest here, I think you’re a bit out of touch here because as a woman, I work out and tend to sweat ‘down there’ and I have never had a problem as a result of cleaning my vagina. Perhaps our idea of ‘cleaning’ is different…..
I think you both need to realise that cleansing is different from douching. Douching is the more common term for vaginal irrigation. What I spoke about in the article is different from that in that I believe it is very important to rinse the external bits of your vagina, particularly the labia.
@ Korshie & Kofi: Please read the article again… infact I’ll copy and paste for you… no where in the article did I promote douching.
[begin quote]
Ladies, these are all very legitimate questions and spending time getting to know (and like) your body is essential… correction: is the only way to rid yourself of that kind of tension. Cleansing your vajayjay daily (ideally twice a day) should get rid of the smell, but if that doesn’t help, it is very likely because you either have a yeast infection or worse, an STI (sexually transmitted infection). The yeast infection is easily treatable, but the STI… well, it depends on what you have….
[end quote]
@ Nana: Can you imagine that *this* is the topic of discussion that has come out of this article??? *sigh* Quelle dommage:-}
I see what your trying to say now. i guess i misunderstood this part of your post
[begin quote] “I remember spend my summer holiday in London (Lewisham, to be exact) when I was 10 and it was the first time I was allowed to go out with my older cousin, Vanessa, and her friends. Somehow they got onto the topic of douching, to which the only white girl in our group pulled a face of absolute horror, claiming, “You’re not supposed to do that- it cleans itself!”
Trust me. Your vagina does not, I repeat, does not clean itself. It is also important that you wipe yourself well after having a wee, as the little droplets may cause an unpleasant smell (yes, I know it’s hard when you’re manoeuvring not to touch the toilet seat, but it’s the truth!).” [end quote]
but i do agree with you that you have to keep your vagina clean especially the external part. Nature is not about to do that for you. You would just smell. I guess i didnt even think that, that would be something someone has to be told.
but now that that is clear i must say i agree with bout going slow. If you must rush it, then its just not going to be worth it!
@Chyrsalis, didn’t mean to imply that your unique experience as a woman was somewhat inferior to the scientific literature. Of course, as a man, my experience is limited to a lifetime of contact with various women and a pursuit of intellectual knowledge of the subject matter.
At least, we have moved from your assertion that, “Your vagina does not, I repeat, does not clean itself,” to a more nuanced position on what is cleaning. Of course, no one disputes that one should practice general hygiene, but what Koshie, if I may say co-opt her views, seems to be saying makes sense to me. The manner of cleaning the vagina is important and has serious health consequences. How this impinges on a fragrant cunnilingual experience is another matter altogether.
Quelle dommage that adding to the discussion of a fine contribution might somehow be seen as detracting from its relevance and aptness.
Ohh this is fun.
OK So the resolutions are
1. Douching is harmful so try to avoid it
2. Taking a shower and using a gentle cleansing soap/ washes ( e.g. Femcare, Vagisil wipes, Summers eve wash and other cleansing cloths and liquids) to clear the outer labia as well as the inner labia is fine.
3. External moisture leads to a funky smell so try to keep the area dry and wear breathable panties like cotton not seiizy lace and satin ones ( we do live in Ghana after all and 8 hrs in satin can be rather stifling to the pumpum)
4. The Punany is not a dirty thing and has its own unique smell…but its smell should not be confused with the rather pungent smell that emanates from unwashed hairs in the nether regions and the sweat accumulated between the thigh and groin areas.
5. The Vajajay is delicate so do be gentle with it at al times…including what you stick into it and what you rub on or around it.
Ok so I spiced it a bit but heyy…..
@Chrsyalis – You always challenge me (which is good) – a blog on dealing with the shame associated with enjoying abusive sex is very much needed.
In regards to the readers focusing on douching – I think part of the challenge in writing is that once you put material “out there” it is open to interpretation. The important thing is you have clarified that you are not a proponent of douching. Obviously Kwegyiriba’s post went down well 🙂 What I really like about your post is that you bring up the effects of sexual abuse on a woman’s sexuality and the discomfort many women feel around cunninglus
@BrownAngel – I like your resolutions – however I would say there is no need to use femcare etc to clean the outer labia…I think water should do the job just fine.
Great article Chrsyalis, Its very insightful and clear. I am not exactly sure why some of the commentators are arguing or challenging something so off topic. But I do admire your patience in responding because I would skip right by it. I guess thats why I dont right a blog:) Overall, great job.-
The distinction needs to be made betwwen the vagina and the vulva. The vagina is the inner canal, which must not be cleaned, while the vulva ia the external organ which may be cleaned with mild chemicals.
would like to share your her.do you mind?
It’s funny how men assume they know what there talking about when it comes to a womans body and how it works! First I’m sorry to say you have it wrong the vajayjay does clean itself, it has natural Bactria that helps keep it clean. The only area any woman should be cleaning is the outside of the vagina and twice a day is fine, to much soapping can dry your skin as any soap can so please use a moistrising natural soap. If you want him to go down just make sure you shower just before he comes over or you go out. And sometimes a woman just doesn’t like it because not every man knows how to eat out a woman, some just suck at it. Sometimes a woman needs more forplay before jumping right in just a little hint on getting us relax and less worried about thinking about anything but getting licked and enjoying every moment!
I enjoyed this post although I was left rather dissapointed. You dealt with the state of mind of the person being ‘eaten’. While I appreciate that this is very important, I was hoping you would really get down to the actual physicality of it eg 1. Ok so you are lying down qwith your legs wide. 2 you should start feeling so and so at this point in time. I know it varies from woman to woman but could you speak more from the body angle as oposed to the mind. I really enjoy receiving cunnilingus but have never come from it. My husband is all for it and can spend 10-15 minutes just ‘enjoying himself’ as he puts it, but nuthin! Am I doing something wrong? Am I blocking it?
WOW you’re stupid. The vagina needs to be cleaned twice a day and douched?
This article isn’t helpful in the slightest,it’s more self loathing bullshit.