Guest Contributor Juliana Waris: “Everything, but…” kind of virgin

So I’m one of those that who has chosen to try hard to practice the no premarital sex clause. As I have gotten older though, it has become increasingly difficult to get men to be down with this. My relationships are either long distance – so the sex thing doesn’t have to come up too often – or rather short lived. I made peace with this a long time ago – and accept the need for others to live out their own value systems.

I have to be upfront though and say that the kind of virginity I practice is the “everything, but” kind. Well not exactly – because my but also includes Oral sex. Doesn’t leave that much else does it? But trust me – there’s a lot else out there to do. Any way, over the years this has worked more or less, but there’s one part about intimacy that I actually never had the chance to experience – a man having an orgasm.

My first time was quite recently! I had been seeing this guy for a while, and we’d had a surprisingly adult and fulfilling relationship. Of course sex had come up multiple times, and I’d always found a way to get out of it. But we went on vacation together, and at some point I decided “oh well, what’s the harm in helping him orgasm.” I remembered back to some technique I had read about that I felt I could make peace with. Didn’t involve me taking him into any of the openings on my body, so I could deal.

After half an hour of making out, I decided to surprise him and just start. What happened a few minutes later, I had no preparation for. As he started to “cum”, his body launched into violent spasms, and he started emitting a loud howl, which I can only compare to the cry of a jackal on heat!

At first, I was stunned, then all of a sudden realizing the walls were thin, freaked out, and placed one hand over his mouth, while trying to use the other to steady his body. A few minutes later, he became completely calm, with a look of contentment – and he fell asleep moments later. I was left lying there, wide-awake, completely stunned about what I’d just experienced.

Imagining being under him or on top of him while this uncontrolled shaking and howling was taking place was even more terrifying. In the moment I was thankful that actual intercourse had not been an option! Had I been in the throes of physical pleasure, it would have halted it, rudely yanking me back from my own release.
I can imagine that not all men react this way when they’re having their big O. I bet if I’d had a few before him, this wouldn’t have been so jarring. Sadly, even weeks following the incident, I just couldn’t bring my body to relax and just enjoy being touched by him. All I seemed to be able to think about when we were making out was the very unpleasant sight of his body in spasms and the horror of those screams he let out.
Of all of the things that could be turn-offs for me, I didn’t imagine that experiencing someone I was growing very fond of go through their most blissful moment, will damage any chance the relationship had of making it.What ever happened to silent moans of pleasure and encouragement? This particular situation is not salvageable. But in the future, are there ways to pre-empt this? How can a partner delight in their own release when the other’s is so physically disruptive?

16 comments On Guest Contributor Juliana Waris: “Everything, but…” kind of virgin

  • Juliana, I don’t know if you are ready for this but if you broke up with a man because he spasms during orgasm, then may be you were born to be a nun.

    As far as I know, both men and women spasm during orgasm. The intensity might vary depending on how turned on they are but there’s almost always some amount of spasm, facial contortions, howls, screams and moans and some even fart; and it doesn’t always smell good.

  • Really hilarious… Nana Kofi. But on the other hand, I cringe when I see someone describe these dysfunctional relationships as “adult and fulfilling”. If I were a shrink I’d possibly opine that our writer is a survivor of some terrible past trauma.

  • Juliana, sorry if it looks like the Kofis are picking on you. That’s not the intention at all. My honest confession is, after I read your post, I thought to myself “it must be very traumatic to date this girl”.

    I am not a shrink but totally agree that your sense of sex and sexuality might be a little warped. Reasons could be anything from abuse to religion. to misinformation. Remember this is purely my opinion, which can be totally wrong.

    As somebody who practiced abstinence till I got married, I can fully empathize with your position. My advice would rather be that, when it comes to sex, you must remember to either drink deep or taste not. The half-hearted compromises doesn’t do any party any good.

    If you can get the conscience and self- condemnation out of the way, you’d surprised how quickly your perceptions of spasms and orgasms will change.

  • @Nana Kofi – thanks for making my expectations more realistic :). probably an education i sorely need. have to clarify though that the relationship didn’t break cos I wanted out based on the whole orgasm incident. it was more that i didn’t have the vocabulary at the time to communicate my feelings about it to him – and he didn’t have the patience to wait me out.

    my sense of what to expect from an orgasming partner may have been warped cos i simply had not experienced it before. more importantly, i think because i wasn’t in the moment with him and was almost just a “watcher”, i couldn’t put what i was seeing in any kind of context. for him too since i did not seem emotionally involved, there was no reason for him to take care of me and bring me along.

    this was certainly a naive foray into unchartered territory for me – and my reaction might have been overblown. but i certainly hope that does not land me in a box marked “damaged”, “warped”, “dysfunctional”…for through our unfortunate missteps, we learn and grow.

    @Kofi – there is no past trauma or abuse i can lay claim to. but you’re right that the relationship might not have been adult and fulfilling in its entirety – at least not in our ability to communicate about a bedroom disaster. But, such is often the case when two people come to something from such varying expectations and experience sets.

  • I don’t think i quite agree with Kofi and Kofi above. Couple of questions:

    1. What is an adult and fulfilling relationship? Does no sex (or whatever is described by the guest blogger) mean that one is in a juvenile and unfulfilling relationship? Isn’t a relationship all about agreement between the parties?

    2. Why would one conclude that a person was a victim of abuse or misinformed because she was shocked by her first (ever!) experience of an orgasming man?

    3. Would it be wrong to break up with a guy or girl because one does not quite like the way they ‘come’? I’m sure people have broken up with others for equally flimsy or more flimsy (seemingly) excuses. If i remember correctly there should be a post about this somewhere in the archives of this blog.

    Just a couple of questions bugging me from reading the post and comments. I stand to be educated.

  • Apologies to Julia, JKA et al. for my initial rather flip response.

    But as I see it, JKA, and Julia seems to accept this as well, adult relationships that are fulfilling are defined by some mutual acceptance of the dynamics of the relationship. In this case, it seems as though at least one person’s expectations were not being met. I might even go as far as to say that the man was being led along by julia’s ambivalent stance (sex comes up, she ‘finds’ some way to get out of it, she goes on vacation with an adult male, shares a room, perhaps a bed, but the ground rules do not say absolutely no sex) toward sex.

    Being shocked by the first orgasm is absolutely fine. i rather like the naturalistic recounting of the event, as over the top as it seems. I’m sure some men come like that, howling like a “jackal on heat’. It does seem that not being able to relax weeks later is an overreaction. The thoughts about how unacceptable such an orgasm would have been had they been having intercourse seems rather sad, but is of a piece with the reaction of a closed-up person, who had no other countervailing experience (conversations with friends or relatives, no access to porn, or educational sex tapes), and just a determination to see this normal event in as disturbing a context as possible.

    Of course, it was quite clear that both Nana Kofi and I were conjecturing about abuse and trauma, we both offer the disclaimer that we are not professionals in this area. I would even accept that I was talking out of my ass, to put it mildly! But taken in its entirety, especially in the context of the continued reflections along the initial line of disgust and discomfort (I think these are apt descriptions of Julia’s state of mind) weeks later make me wonder why she couldn’t accept that she’d been privy to something special and awesome, but perfectly normal.

    Indeed, in my memory of seeing The Vagina Monologues, i remember the extended discussion of the trauma inflicted on some women who were told by men that they were too wet, too somehow not normal in the way they expressed themselves sexually, especially for acts for which they had little or no control. I suspect that something similar could have happened here. i know it’s not the general tenor of this, let me hasten to add, very fine forum, but, hey, men are also sensitive creatures who have feelings too. 😛

    Yep, it’s pretty novel for me to read about breaking up because one doesn’t like the way a partner comes. I wonder whether this even fits under the heading of “flimsy”. But I’m all for accepting all aspects of sexuality, so long as no animals are injured in the filming of the scene, as one might put it.

    Finally, I want to congratulate Julia for her ability to put it all out there. We should all be equally brave and politically incorrect.

  • @JKA, thanks for being puzzled, the same way I was at the Kofis responses! i really don’t think sex has anything to do with an adult and fulfilling relationship – especially if you both communicate well with each other and are on the same page about it And yeah – the abuse thing, I have no idea where that was coming from either! Definitely, thanks for your response, cos I was starting to worry that i’d committed some sex crime ;).

    @Kofi A, although you throw in a few caveats here and there – you still seem to feel strongly that there’s something completely abnormal about my reaction, or slightly defective/deficient about me. Is it the case that you’re putting yourself in the guy’s shoes and thinking “if someone reacted like this about me, i wouldn’t be down with it?”

    As for the descriptors, I have a vivid imagination! However, i’m pretty sure if you put what he exhibited on a curve, it’d be an outlier – and not the norm of how people orgasm. my sense is that had i actually be engaged in intercourse, there’s no way i wouldn’t have come away with scratches and some bodily harm – at least from what i could tell. so my reaction was based on that – the fact that I could see no way of me being involved in that moment and enjoying it.

    Again about the weeks that followed – my not being able to talk about it kept it on my mind…and made it difficult for me to move past that. As u confirmed men can have fragile egos – and given that i had no idea what feedback he’d received on his “performance”, i just couldn’t figure out the right way to talk about it. I didn’t up and break up with him because I was freaked out by the experience. Yes I got weird…and didn’t say much. But the subsequent disintegration he was as much responsible for!

    Mixed signals…hmm…well I can’t take any blame for that. See…guys do that all the time! They pretty much rope you into doing something – and then decide later that they were led on. I didn’t want to go anywhere…he insisted that going on vacation didn’t mean we had to have sex. I insisted on a separate room and got one…but he choose to come hang out in my room and bust out “why are you acting like you’re afraid you’re going to get raped”. I could go on and on – but that’s a whole other post.

    And now I’m getting too detailed – which is what scared me shitless about opening up this experience to the world. I’m generally really guarded about everything and would probably never verbalize any of this. Put this out there more to get feedback on navigating a not so pleasant sexual experiences with someone you like otherwise.

    So will plead not to focus on how inept I am or unrealistic my expectations about sex. I more want to explore how to handle a situation where something that gives your partner pleasure is a turn off for you (bearing in mind we can’t always control what turns us off).

  • @ Nana Kofi & Kofi Ametewe; Both of you have said what I had in mind. I’ve been having a hard time responding, lest I come off too harsh. Momma said to shut my trap when I don’t have anything nice to say. I had to let you know you aren’t the only ones thinking along those lines.

  • @Julia, I apologize. I don’t think there is anything deficient about you. I think I already said that. Unusual, maybe, deficient, no! I applaud your honesty.

    ‘The men do it too’ is a poor rationale for any actions. Maybe men should do it less.

    The communication gap between you and your friend doesn’t sound like it helped with the adult relationship you aspired to have. All the more surprising for someone so good with the written word.

    Was the guy an outlier in his orgasming? Hard to say, especially hard for a neophyte to assess, wouldn’t you think? I’ve only my own experience to go on, but I’m now scared that I don’t know how the critical gaze of my lover might experience my throes of pleasure. Should I now just whimper like a day-old puppy?

    Am sure many women feel inhibited about orgasms because of their sense of how they are perceived at that moment. I hope we can use this exchange to tell everyone, woman or man, that it is ok to come anyway you come…

    …and that if it turns someone off, well, then, at least you got yours while they were thinking about what was going on. 🙂

  • I am not exactly sure why the guys are mostly agreeing on Juliana’s encounter as warped or inexperienced. As a guy myself, it gets akward when you are with a girl who screams and howls like a weird creature in the heat of things for the first time. There is a difference between moaning, groaning, light spasm, breathing hard, clinching and what Juliana described. Yes, everyone reacts differently when cuming but there is also something called self control and knowing your audience. In this case, its a virgin giving you a hand job. Seriously, I dont expect that reaction from any experience guy either.

  • julia, looks like you found your man in Nana – a decorous cummer! Hope it’s not a subtle come-on!

  • Juliana, I apologize for being so upfront with you. I have no intention of attacking your person. It is just that your post raised and still raises more questions for me than answer them.

    For example, the thought of “helping him orgasm” in 2009 raises a lot of questions for me. From the little I know about “adult and fulfilling” relationships, sex is not a favor one party does the other. Sex is a favor you both do each other. Mutual involvement, mutual orgasm. In long and stable relationships, there are times when one party can offer help but I find it weird for a fresh relationship. I think, and might be wrong, that in normal fresh relationships, you can’t take your hands and eyes off each other.

    Also, in cultures where the woman is suppressed, she is often expected to help her man but not enjoy. It is the reason behind Female Genital Mutilation. I might be wrong but I think one of the things Feminists fight for, is woman’s right to sexually fulfilling relationships.

    By the way, in any new relationship, one must be mindful of precedences. You don’t want your partner getting used to you as a helper?

    3. Finally, when you give your lover a blow job or hand job or whatever job, the natural, normal expectation is an orgasm, otherwise, what is the point?

    I agree with Kofi that you may have found your man in Nana because regular male folk like Mike, Kofi and Kofi (me) are used to a different kind of sex. Definitely not like what you describe or expect 🙂 Merry Christmas

  • Hmmmm, a lot of very interesting comments on this post.

    So, to the question at hand, how do you delight in your “own release when the other’s is so physically disruptive?” This is a tough one for me, I haven’t been in a situation where I found my partner’s sounds (sights) during orgasm disruptive. If anything, I enjoy the sounds – it makes me feel like “Yeah, I made them come”. I actually get a bit dissapointed when people are a bit quiet during orgasm. This is very ironic considering that I used to be one of the quiet ones.

    I’m really curious, has anybody else had an experience similar to Juliana?

  • @ Everyone: ROTFLMAO.

    @ Juliana: I totally applaud you for the “no premarital sex” thingy. However, don’t you think giving someone a blow job falls under the “Things people do when they’re having a sexual relationship” category? And therefore constitutes the pre-marital sex that you claim not to want? If I may ask, what were your original reasons for abstaining from sex till marriage? If any of your answers include your religious faith or moral issues, then you need to re-think your ideas about what constitutes celibacy or ‘no pre-marital sex’, because giving someone a blow job is sex. I know the traditional idea of sexual intercourse is a male reproductive organ entering a female reproductive tract. But, it also includes penetration of and by non-sexual organs i.e. fingering, fisting, cunnilingus and the good ole’ blow job (with or without using one’s mouth). I reiterate, wanting to keep your virginity till you’re married is highly laudable but don’t play games with other people by trying to assuage your guilt and keep your hymen intact with these shenanigans that you get up to. And I mean this sincerely. i feel you, but I think you’re playing a dangerous game here. You might go on vacation with someone who will not take no for an answer and force you into doing what you don’t want to do. A word to the wise…

  • @ Nana – thanks for the assist! Really appreciate your compassion!

    @ Nana Kofi – all your points are relevant to addressing some set of issues, not exactly sure in my case though. but thanks for engaging.

    @ Pearl – thanks for the heads up. I didn’t have oral sex with the guy though – and yes I do believe that counts as sex too.

  • @ Juliana: I figured from your article that you didn’t facilitate your ex-boyfriend’s orgasm through fellatio. It was a hand job right? So I didn’t think for a sec that it was a blow job or oral sex. What I was trying to point out to you was you opened up a can of worms when you decided there was no harm “in helping him orgasm”. Methinks another reason you may have broken up with the dude was because he figured even if he wasn’t going to get oral or coital sex from you, the hand job would be just fine and you weren’t going to go down that road again, especially after his “jackal on heat” cacophony of sounds. LOL. Anyway, I hope and pray that you’re able to remain celibate until your knight in shining armor shows up. Good luck.

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