Dear AbeNana,
I lied to an old friend. Maybe I shouldn’t have, But this was one of the rare situations where I looked in her pretty brown eyes and boldly lied to her. She is a very sweet young lady. Beautiful inside out & intelligent. She’s got that full feminine figure and all woman. The kind of body I like to wake up next to and have on my playground every day & nite. She is a career woman and successful too. Have I painted a perfect picture of her yet? Because I can and it won’t be lies.
For years, our gears were engaged & locked and we had a helluva relationship. Our friends loved our beautiful relationship & strangers would always say we look good together. I must add, I treated her very well & she loved the hell outta me.
I decided one day that we had to go our separate ways, and started giving her reason to not like me.
You see, we were good together and the sex was great. When I put in work, sex was off the hinges! (I’m a good plumber. References available on request). It was a totally different story when she took charge. We talked about it; I encouraged her to find her most comfortable positions for efficient rides. We worked at it together but didn’t over-do it.
This is a lady that loves to dance and will blaze a dance floor with her numerous good moves. She radiates all this sex appeal and talks a good talk when it comes to sex. She can talk up a good game, make any man want her and wonder where she’s been all his life. I loved the flirt in her and when she got to talking about things she would do to me & with me, my head always made me drop whatever I was doing to go be with her. Come game time, she’s highly dependent. The smooth & fluid waist movements never make it anywhere beyond the dance floor. That was a problem for me. I love my job but I gotta have a vacation every now-and-then.
Fast forward to post break-up era. During a casual conversation, she asked me. “So, was I good in bed?” I said “of course you were!” with all conviction. I added a few more strings to the lies. “Remember how I used to love it when you’d switch pace on me and knock me off my rhythm? That always made me cum. And that reverse cowgirl! You got real good at that very quickly. Why do you ask anyway?” She said “Nothing. Just curious”
I lied because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I lied because I didn’t want to strap her with baggage from our relationship onto her next.
Is there a better way I could have handled this? How do you tell a woman who believes she’s got the best stuff ever, with skills to match, that her stuff is the sweetest but she lacks skills?
Arent women supposed to know if their stuff is good or bad and if they have skills or not?
15 comments On Guest Contributor Mike: ‘She’s Just Not That Great In Bed’
Well, it is presumptuous to think a woman will automatically know if she has that good good or if she’s just alright. It is even more presumptuous for a woman to think she’s all that and a bag of chips.
In actuality what works for one man will not work for all men.
I think when a woman openly comes to you seeking that type of information that you should be honest with her. Now I’m not saying that you should bluntly say the first thing that comes to mind. There has to be a certain finesse with your answer, as I’m sure you wouldn’t want someone to hurt your ego if you asked them the same question.
I would have told her that she’s fine; however, she may want to improve on A, B or C. I’d give suggestions. I’d ask her how she thinks she ranks in the bed.
I will on occasion ask my man if there’s anything I can do differently to please him. It isn’t because I think I’m terrible in bed or because I think I’m great, but I want to make sure that I am pleasing my man and if I’m not doing something to his liking that I can find a solution that we both can benefit from.
You only know that your ‘stuff’ is good if people tell you (and mean it). Some women just need coaching. Or you never know, maybe she wasn’t as comfortable with her body as you think. That lack of comfort may have affected her sexual performance. Honestly though, they’re books for this. I think that you should have told her during the relationship. I mean, if it was so great, why would you let it end because of a lack of sexual skills on her part? I think that people are teachable (if they’re willing to learn of course). It’s not like there was a mechanical issue (like penis size) that you just couldn’t get around. Anyway, I agree at this point, telling her that she sucked in bed would not be helpful, and may just add baggage. My 2 cents…
Maybe deep down she did not want to be the one in charge of the actual act of sex. her flirting and teasing was to get you in the right mood to do your job.
Also you should have been truthful when she asked.
I think it was a very noble thing u did trying 2 spare her baggage for a future relationship. Few guys I know wud have thought about that unless prompted.
HOWEVER, it’s an issue that u should definately have addressed in conversation while u were still together. It will always sound better coming from someone u r with who wants 2 b with u than from someone who u split up 4rm.
Plus, how could u have allowed it to spoil wot sounds like an otherwise good relationship? Why did u not address it b4 u allowed it to corrode ur relationship? That is so sad.
And I agree with an earlier comment, she probably was not so comfortable with her body during sex.
My two pesawas.
@ BrownEyedPanther: I agree that issues like this should be discussed with finesse. That is what I did when we were together. She admitted she was very comfortable with me sexually and I’m quite sure it was because she could always count on me as a true partner in and out of the bedroom. The main reason I decided to end the relationship is the exact thing you said; What doesn’t work for one man will work for another.
Because I know how easy it was to lie to her, I do not totally totally totally depend on a woman’s rating of my skills. That is why I wonder if women totally totally totally depend on a man’s judgement of their performance or quality of their stuff.
@ Abena; Your point could be true. Though she seemed very comfortable with me sexually, that didn’t mean she was comfortable with her body as much as I though. That goes back to the confidence subject in the previous blog post.
@ Fuckerfly: If she never wanted to be in charge, then I’m glad we are apart because as much as I love doing my job, I like to be taken care of once in a while too. I wonder if there are guys out there that don’t mind putting in their all nite in, nite out. I wish they would come out and comment too.
Nsoromma, I’ll add your 2 pesewas to Abena’s 2 cents and buy myself a bottle of ice cold fanta.
I thought I addressed it by working with her so she could get to a level where I didn’t have to do all the work, all the time. For example, I never had the chance to hold a camera and get a good video from my view of her working it. I would always have to put the camera down and hold on to her to guide her. (BTW, ummm the videos were visual aids for our ummm higher education).
It was unfortunate we had to split. It bothered me that I was always doing most of the work. I tried but couldn’t compromise. Especially because I had tasted the fruit of being taken care of, a few times in my life.
We all love to be taken care of sometimes. I wonder if your ex came back to ask you the question of how good she was in bed because she’d recently dated or is dating a blunter man.
I am a horse of a lover. Lazy…. but strong. What it means is, just like Mike, reciprocity is a virtue I admire.
Mike, I however have to add that, I think you made a very fine and caring woman walk away because you were a spoilt coward who couldn’t let the old times he’d had with some assertive women go.
I don’t know what you’ve ended up with now but I bet you miss your ex for her many other virtues.
@ Mike – Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I really appreciate the contribution. Now to the issue at hand:
I think the whole issue of being freaky and taking control in the bedroom can be challenging for a lot of women. Afterall the focus when we are younger is on being good girls (for some this focus is not just in their youth) and our sex education (or mis education) focuses merely on abstinence. So how then do you go from being a virgin to a whore in the bedroom, whilst remaining a lady outside the bedroom? There is a disconnect somewhere.
There is a lot of unlearning that women have to do in order to take charge of their own sexuality and that unlearning is not easy – women need the support and encouragement of their partners to go through this.
On the other hand I think porn has given a lot of men unrealistic expectations of women and sex. People watch these movies where these women are in the most grotesque, impossible to get into positons and yet are screaming with pleasure and unconsciously start to associate images like this with ‘good sex’.
I think this is my additional 2 pesewas towards your ice cold fanta 🙂
@ Stallion. I mean Kinkidi; Glad you joined the discussion. I certainly did miss her when we split up because she was a wonderful partner however, life goes on. If I’m with a woman and neither of us can cook or clean, we can get someone to do that for us. I don’t think she’d be OK with me outsourcing sex the few times when I need to be taken care of.
Sex is a big deal for me and there is very little I can compromise on in that department. I therefore feel I did both of us a favor by ending the relationship now than later.
@ Nana; I appreciate the opportunity. I enjoy the education & entertainment you & Abena serve here.
as usual, my take is slightly contrarian. it wasn’t about her, it was about you! your needs, not hers. the failure to articulate your need for occasional dominance – perhaps she could have spanked you too – harks back to an incomplete separation from your mother. we are not talking cold fish here, she sounds like she was ninety-five percent there, your fixation on the missing five percent is telling. this pattern will repeat itself with other women, not in the same way, because it isn’t about sex, it goes deeper than that. Other women’s faults will be subtler, more nuanced, but they will be there and they will make you dissatisfied until you come to grips with this issue.
Kofi, you are probably more educated in psych than I am so I won’t dismiss your take though it is based on this short post.
If I don’t look out for ME and what I want, who will? Call it selfish or any other name, it still doesnt bother me because I know what will give me long term problems and I’d rather say No, Thanks now than cause bigger pain later.
I have a very very short list of what I absolutely need of a woman, and it is too short to ever make changes. It does NOT include her height, weight, complexion, carreer, cup size, education, ability to cook & clean. Well, maybe I should share the short list instead because the things I don’t care about plenty paaaaa. Sex must be like fireworks both ways, must have a sense of humor, trustworthy, capable of bringing money to the table and not scared to live life.
When men cheat on women, majority(if not all) of the time, sex is involved or intended. That cliche “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” certainly doesn’t apply to me. Even when men and women are just friends, the sex always gets in the way. I looked within and figured that for me to have a fulfilling divorce-free marriage, I’ll have to keep God & happy banging as top priorities.
BTW, can you prescribe some percocet & zoloft for me based on your diagnosis?
Mike, I admire your honesty and cadence even though it doesn’t do much for my fears. I am neither shrink nor expert but if I may ask?
1. Have you found a better replacement for her yet?
2. There are a number of times when the most agile nymphomaniac slows down or halts completely. Health, child birth, stress, hormonal plays etc are a few that come to mind. If due to any of the above listed developments your new woman can no longer have sex with you for a while, will it drive you to get it elsewhere or get a divorce or commit suicide?
I dunno, but I’m a little sad with this post! Maybe it’s the post-partum in me. The post was brilliantly written and brutally honest, but I guess what makes me sad is the reality of it all. You had a beautiful, successful, flirtatious lady (who obviously had wit and intelligence), but because she wan’t a freak in bed you were an ass to her and caused your break up? The sad reality of Mike’s shared experience in that this happens more often in “modern” relationships than not: No matter how successful/good looking you are, and man will dump you for something as trivial as sex. Bad sex can be fixed with a good book, and/or good communication. What a novel idea!
I agree with BrownEyedP. Most people are teachable, and it’s up to the pair of you to share what really works. Who’s to say she also wasn’t acting in bed and YOU aren’t the amazing plumber you think you are? 70% of all women confess to faking orgasms. You’re girl had a high probability of being in that number. I’m not trying to diss you or anything, it just sounds like you let go of a good thing for no good reason, particularly when amazing relationships are so hard to come by these days.
I’ve also added my 2 pesewas to the susu.
@AbenaG: I feel your anguish, but women have a role to play in all of this. If they didn’t fake orgasms, we wouldn’t be walking around with the ego inflation that consigns relationships to the dust pile at the merest hint of non-conformance to the imagined ideal. So, ladies, be truthful with us laddies, we can take it!
@ Kinkidi
1. Good women are very easy to find & keep.
2. I run things this way so that divorce will not be an option when I get married. For that to become a reality, I’m checking all points I possible can before promising till death do us part. I’ll take whatever happens beyond my control after marriage in stride. No suicide & no divorce.
I don’t have all the answers but I’m making the most of info at-hand in my selection. I solve problems better when I am convinced I made the right choice at the onset.
@ AbenaGyekye: Congratulations. I was going to ask for an invite to the outdooring but your pastor might read this and douse me in holy water . You are right; sex can be fixed. We tried but it didn’t get fixed to my satisfaction. She knows we tried. My fault there was that I exaggerated the positive re-enforcement. I believed it would get better so I encouraged her even when progress was flat-lining. I’m happy that you and BrownEyedP said “most” people are teachable.
I aint God’s gift to women so she could have been faking but I haven’t met a very good actress yet. Met 2 fakers in my life though. You don’t have to wonder how that went. I’m too generous to hold on to someone I can’t please since there are millions of men that could. There are tells in a real orgasm but one of my regrets in life has some woman’s name on it. I thought she was a faker but found out after we split that she wasn’t. My radar wasn’t that accurate.
She probably asked you because someone else already told her the truth. It was noble of you to spare her feelings though.