A friend cracked me up some time ago when she said to me,
‘Nana I don’t want to fall in love with X. Tell me what to do’.
Yes, falling in love with the man you’re shagging is a bad idea. A very bad idea, especially when the relationship revolves purely or mainly around sex.
Quite a few women I have spoken to tell me that the longer they sleep with someone, the more they begin to connect with them emotionally. An emotional connection in a buddy relationship is problematic for a number of reasons. Here are some hypothetical (yet true to life) situations that make falling in love with your buddy difficult:
• Your relationship with your buddy started off as a purely sexual one – there was chemistry and you both acted on it. There was no dating or discussion on whether the two of you should get to know each other (other than in the biblical sense).
• Your buddy is already in a relationship – he is married, has a girlfriend, is having difficulties with his wife… Whatever! You knew before you started sleeping with this man that he was unavailable. You can’t complain about the situation now.
• Your buddy is commitment shy. He does not want a relationship. At all. Yes he likes you, he wants to continue spending time with you but he does not want to commit to you. For whatever reason – he had a bad experience with an ex girlfriend, has deep rooted emotional issues, hates his Father…you may never know what the root cause is but buddy is happy to stay as a buddy.
So here are my top tips on how not to fall in love with your buddy ?
1. Decide whether a buddy relationship is really for you because seriously once you start on a buddy relationship it is hard if not downright impossible to convert that into a ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ relationship. Has anyone done this successfully?
2. Keep the buddy relationship short. If you continue to sleep with this guy week in week out for the next year you are probably going to start falling in love with him.
3. Recognise when you are falling and nip it in the bud. You’re constantly checking his facebook page, thinking about him all hours of the day, and planning what to wear when you see him next? Not a good sign.
4. Keep the relationship all about sex and nothing else. Don’t start wanting to go out together, meet for lunch, go to parties together…you’re soon going to want a relationship and he won’t.
5. Don’t be extra friendly with your buddy. Remember its about sex and nothing else so don’t start caring about how his job is going, how his family are…which brings me to my final tip.
6. Don’t try to befriend his family. Really it is simply not appropriate. You’re just the shag buddy, remember?
When all else fails and you do fall in love (or like) you need to be brutal about it. End the relationship. Defriend him on facebook. Take him off your blackberry contacts. Loose his number.
Because really there is nothing sadder than a woman who is trying to turn her buddy relationship into a real relationship
Your thoughts? Do men ever fall for their buddies? Do women always fall? Can one continue to have sex with your buddy and stay emotionally detached?
P.S: I have half written this post tongue in cheek. One half of me means everything that I’ve written. The other half of me thinks just go with the flow -whilst recognizing that you’re going to get hurt
29 comments On How Not To Fall in Love with Your Shag Buddy
Nana, why didn’t you write and send this to me 10 years ago??
I think it’s really hard to maintain a completely sexual relationship long term.
So I’ve done both successfully and unsuccessfully.
1. In the situations in which it was unsuccessful, it was because the guy had almost all the characteristics of my ideal man. And honestly, I had feelings from day one but figured i could handle it. If he possesses the characteristics you look for in a man, don’t do it. Don’t even start it.
2. In the situations I was successful, there were two key factors; a. it was long distance and b, I definitely had no interest in a long-term commitment with him, even if you paid me. If the guy is completely absolutely not your type, and you really want to leave as soon as the sex is over, you can possibly make it work. But only if you’re shagging every now and then.
In all, we can’t always avoid shag buddies.
I laugh when women claim they can have NSA relationships on a regular.
Men do that much easier. When guy meets girl, he is automatically on the no-strings-attached route unless pushed to label the relationship or commit
She on the otherhand has to make that conscious effort (mentally) to keep strings detached.
Yes, some men fall for their shag-buddies but a much smaller percentage compared to women who do.
The shag buddy life isn’t for the weak-hearted.
I think men only fall for their shag-buddy when she is running the show. As in, she makes the rules on where and when to shag. She leaves or wants you to leave right after. Even worse, she never answer your calls, she calls when she wants it and its okay with you saying no.
I was chatting online with a friend and she asked:
‘Do you agree with the comment the guy made on your shag buddy post that no strings attached is easier for guys?’
‘I don’t know if its easier for guys but I do know that most of the shag buddies I have had were already involved with other people so they were already emotionally unavailable. I also think we only have so much ’emotional room’ available at any one particular time. I don’t think women for e.g. are too emotionally fragile to have purely sex buddies…
Interesting post…even if it’s tongue in cheek. Shag buddies are lying to each other. There is no such thing on either side. Anything that goes beyond a one-night stand comes with emotional baggage that guarantees that the outcome will either be a commitment to continue on a more emotionally honest plane or the abuse of one party by the other. Someone always wants more than is on offer. Self-loathing is a pretty marked characteristic of shag buddy-ism, or, as I like to call it, ‘rent a penis/vagina-ism.’
@Boakyewaa – I didn’t have the knowledge to write this post 10 years ago 🙂 and yes i do think in this day and age (unless you’re happy to be celibate) it is very difficult to avoid having shag buddy relationships
@Mike – Yep, its definitely not for the weak-hearted.
@Nana – My namesake, i am definitely going to take some tips from your comment!
@Kofi – Oh your comments almost always give me a laugh. Hmmm, ‘rent a penis/vagina-ism’ paaa. Charle! Maybe the ‘secret’ should be to restrict your shag buddy relationship to a certain number of shags? Maximum 3 i propose. What say you?
Nana D, you are such a good-humored person, which is what sustains this forum. Sorry to be a downer: serial renting is even worse. Make the down payment, buy the house, renting is for the birds (well, you know what I mean)! 🙂
I am new to this blog page which I think is absolutely incredible, for ghanaian/african women (and men) to be able to share experiences. I have had 2 shag buddies in my entire 30 somthing years and i must admit they had girfriends and i knew about them and even knew them. However i was strong enough to just keep it purely casual, i must say its quite difficult not getting emotionally attached but when u know u can’t have the guy, i guess you just have to deal with it. So, i can’t remember how each one ended, I was in my early 20’s then….but we are still friends. Each guy has gone off and gotten married anyway, to different women, lol, and we (i mean the guy, since we still close friends) sometimes reminisce on the adventures we had but we have never gone back there. They are just good memories which will stay between friends.
@Kofi – Oh Charle! So, its not my amazing writing sustaining the blog 🙂 Oh well…hmmm, renting is for the birds ei?
@Abby – Welcome! And thank you for sharing…actually i wonder how many people stay friends with their shag buddies once the shagging part of the relationship has come to an end. I have (with the majority) 🙂
@Nana, amazing writing for starters… good humor and tolerance for sustenance. I think that is the f&*$ula!
loving this blog!!! A shag buddy was my worst decision ever, thought it was a ggod idea as I want to remain single. I see myself sinking into the ” why is he not here yet” and “who is he referring to in his status update cos it aint me” way of thinking. Wish I could wipe out the feelings… but it is bliss when he is here. Like you said, I will sit it out, wait till I get hurt or heal myself of this love sickness – whichever comes first.
@Kofi – Okay, my ego remains intact now 🙂
@Effie – Isn’t facebook a bummer? I swear it turns us rational people into stalkers. I feel you girl. If it helps you will get over the feelings one day – hopefully with minor injuries to your emotions
@Nana, you are the expert, but do you know of any men who have shag buddies who are women in other relationships? My sense is that men want primacy, or they like the idea of getting one over on someone, but it seems rare that a man would agree to be the relief pitcher, if I may indulge in some baseball speak. Am I right, or am I living on cloud cuckooland?
@Kofi – Hehehe, giggling at me being the expert . I’m hardly an expert ooo and not even sure whether its a compliment to be an expert on ‘shag buddyism’ 🙂
Oh yes, many men have shag buddies who are women in other rleationships. I think today a lot of men are very happy to be relief pitchers. It fulfills their need for commitment (and they hope) emotional free sex. Yes, so you can get off cloud cuckooland now 🙂
@ Kofi. I love your ideal world!
Like Nana said, male relief pitchers aren’t rare.
Nana D and Mike: yep, you guys are true connoisseurs… maybe there’s book waiting to be co-authored. I’m not sure I could entertain the notion of being a relief pitcher with a straight face.
Its tough keeping the lines clear especially with a good ShagBud. For you will talk freely, be yourselves, be straight and shag for the love of shagging! You will fall if you don’t keep it short. The very act of sleeping together can draws you closer so i advice
1. Keeping it straight-We sleep together because we both enjoy it
2. No hint of Exclisivity Claims- Like I said first dips on shagging only! Allow her to move about if you want to move
3. Be civil- When you see her with someone so she will be when she sees you with the missus!
thinking of more! oh and the best level of ShagBudness is when she helps you hide it, reminds you when to leave, doesn’t call you cuz she wants to hear you and respects all your spaces!
Adventures of the ShagBud Operator coming soon!
Shag buddies in Ghana??!?! No….;-)) Seriously, are people shag-buddying in this apparently-Christian/religious country and going to church on Sundays to repent for the week? What’s the actual picture on that??
I don’t have the looks to be a shag-buddy, though I will never forget July 2004, when I was just about to leave Brussels for home. I met someone — a beautiful, smart, young lady living alone in an apartment — who wanted me as a shag-buddy. A day before the “act”, I broke down, and expressed my feelings for her, even castigating her for trying to make me a shag-buddy. She told me I was weak; etc…
We got back to being friends…kind of. Lost contact with her. Wonder where she is now…Upon reflection, I just cannot imagine that I could have gone through with just shagging and dumping…
Call me weak, but I don’t think I have the testicular fortitude. When I meet a nymphomaniac, I am wont to even feel sorry for them, and want to treat them gently. Same with so-called “sluts”…I always err on the side of feeling empathetic…
I’m no saint, hell no! But I guess it just depends on our make-up…
Nana…would it be possible to explore at some point reconciling shag-buddies with religious outlooks? Would be interested in finding out whether some of those you know claim to be Christians! How do they manage it?? Keep up the good work!!
lmao @ ‘testicular fortitude’!!!
@ Emmanuel – In the Christo-religious setting is where you see the dualism of the human being. Where the shaggers assume their real selves at shagging and change to their poius alter-egos at Church! Its all in a days worship for them man..simple act of changing garbs. Oh and someone once remarked; who do we chill at the club and drink with at bar-by-the-street….same folks at church! Game on!
Hahahahaha, @Emmanuel I think @Nana Akese has answered your question even better than I could have but I want to come back to something you said in your comment.
You said you feel sorry for ‘nymphomaniacs’ and ‘sluts’…what’s the word for a man who enjoys sex? There is no such word. This concept of women who enjoy sex as sluts and nymphomaniacs is part of the reason why I started and sustain this blog. Sex is normal, it is normal for women to enjoy sex the same way men do. Why does society come up with derogatory terms like ‘nymphomaniac’, ‘slut’ to describe women who only have a healthy appetite for sex. This is part of the reason why so many women cannot enjoy sex – because they don’t want to be seen as a slut. I think men who are scared of ‘sluts’ and ‘nymphomaniacs’ are not confident in their own sexuality and their ability to pleasure a woman, so they would rather be with someone who is frigid – no blow to your self esteem there.
Oh and I also don’t think you’re not good looking – besides good looks have nothing to do with being a good shag buddy. In fact, I hear ugly men make the best lovers.
@All – Is that true? Ugly men make amazing lovers?
@Nana Darkoa-Well said about labelling people all over. Its just that its a machochistic world where men who find themselves short of something label it to cast it in bad light. I love a woman with a healthy sex apetite but still sometimes get shocked with a ‘leader woman’ cuz of upbringing! Sluts, nymphos etc make the world go round!!! Oh and there is no word in english for a man with a with a health sexual apetite but let’s try TWI…apetwe! Lol..and ugly men making good sex partners errrm…I wouldn’t know because am fine and handsome…according to me Mama! Lol
@Shane–let’s hear it for TESTICULAR fortitude!;-D
@Nana Akese–I concur with your dualism of the human being; I’m a bit of a yin-yang man meself;-)
@Nana Darkoa–thanks for your comments…I think the average male enjoys sex, but does that make them satyromaniacs? (http://www.funtrivia.com/askft/Question2504.html) I was referring more to women who want sex NOW and all the time [check out a humorous and insightful piece here: http://www.midlifebachelor.com/truths/truths-ft7-page10.html%5D.
Incidentally, I can count on my fingers close friends (including my best friend) whom I might consider sleeping if if they asked me (I’m bad!), but when I’m with them, sex is the last thing on my mind…so I think I’m fairly “normal”;-))
That said, I’m far from scared, Nana, of a woman with a healthy outlook on sex–just that (I’m pathetic, maybe!), wouldn’t on an ethical basis take advantage JUST because she loves sex. Would want to connect on a different level than sex…that would be my strength: knowing we can connect at an emotional level, but never get to sex.
ANyways, I digress! I can assure you my gf is far from frigid! If I told you t he number of times we’d done it this year alone, you’d blush!;-))
Yeah: thx for ur comments about my looks; my self-esteem has just gone up North!;-))
For the sake of completeness, the male equivalent of nymphomania is satyriasis. Refer to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypersexuality.
it seems i am absolutely hooked onto this blog…a great blog.I had my first shag buddy around december last year and he was none other than my next-door- neighbor/good friend.Before this happened though i had a flicker of attraction to him all cos of his well toned body which he gloriously flaunted before me.The icing on the cake was when once i was privy to seeing his very endowed ”down below” (lol) out of my great curiousity.(i have always enjoyed the huge cocks kind of porn, the idea of the mix of pain and pleasure is very alluring) So in my subconcious he was a good candidate added to the fact that we were good friends.Thus on breaking up with my boyfriend the easiest way of healing and getting on with the pieces of me was on a whirlwind with him.Fine, i do admit i used him but it was of mutual consent and boy i must tell you the sex was mindblowing so much so that i wanted it everyday.Before i could say jack by january i wanted more than just the sex (n clearly i knew it would just be disastrous).This were obviously fleeting cos when the great shagging was barely happening with time (his advice cos he did not want to just objectify me plus his strenous schedule) i quickly snapped out of reverie and before long i was interested in a guy i really liked and he was left lost in love with me. However we had a next shag session when the doors to the 2nd ex was shut, by now i had mastered the art of it being purely a physical thing advising him so accordingly to barr his heart from me. Currently i am celibate and plan on not straying but if i do he is likely a good option.
one can fall for their shag buddy if you go for too long and never get into a relationship with them that is disaster
a shag buddy is equivalent of good chocolate or candy once you taste a better you leave the old candidate does not matter if you fell in love with the previous chocolate
at this point am in dire need of a new chocolate…………..the other one not too tasty
I think we block true love by putting out energy into teh wrong person.. but its hard when your feeling that you need a connection
Shag buddyism STINKS for me. Can’t do it.
i think I got my self in a mess! Reading this blog, convince me that no guys ever fall for thier shag buddies. Or do they?
Im having sex with this guy in regular basis, like 2 or 3 times a week. Dont you think he wont catch any emotional attachement for me?I spend time with him one night, and he cuddles with me,touches me and we have sex passionately.its a mix. Always kiss me. And he ask me why i dont feel comfortable cuddling him, why is he worried? I just dont cuddle him, i love to but im just his buddy not a gf. I cant read him, difficult to figure him out. We almost have the same birthday. And we are both virgos.