This Saturday, 20th November I will wake up at ridiculous o’clock to be a guest on Joy Fm’s ‘Home Affairs’ programme (if you are in Ghana, you can tune into Joy 99.7 at 6.10am, I am not sure if they stream their programmes online).
Now the topic for discussion is very broadly ‘Why would a woman leave a relationship’ and some of the pointers I have been asked to discuss are:
“For what reasons would a woman break up with a man?”
“Must these reasons necessarily lead to a breakup?”
“What can a man do to prevent a break up?”
“How can the woman deal with the urge to break up?”
“What should a man do if the woman’s reason for break up is that she has found some one else?”
Now I know what my thoughts are but it’s probably not very fair to Joy Fm to reveal my thoughts prior to the programme. What I will find very useful would be to hear from women what your thoughts are to the questions above.
And Gentlemen, apparently there had been a previous show where men spoke about their reasons for leaving a relationship. I’m curious, what would those reasons be.
Your thoughts please?
17 comments On Why would a woman leave a relationship?
Some of the reasons why women will break up with a man are because he cheated on her, she was disrespected, he wasn’t making much of an effort to love her the way she wants to be loved, or a better option showed up.
The reasons need not lead to a breakup. Especially if the reasons are ones not involving a 3rd party (i.e a new lover).
Dealing with human beings, there is no foolproof formula which can prevent a breakup but when partners are willing to communicate and make up for hurtful acts that may be a first step to keeping the relationship together. Men should find ways to be in tune with their partners. There are so many resources on how men can be better partners but they hardly make the effort. They must learn how to strike a balance between being vulnerable and masculine in a relationship.
When a woman feels the urge to break up, she should discuss it with her partner. Sometimes if you aren’t feeling the love from your partner, you can begin to feel insecure. There is nothing wrong with telling your man, ‘baby I’m feeling kinda vulnerable these days because we are not connecting and i find myself looking at other guys in a way i should not, i know you busy and all but can you make an extra effort to show me some love till this feeling passes over.’
Well if the woman has found a new partner and you still want your woman bad, you can find out what he does which makes her like him, or find out if you loved your woman the way she wanted or the way you thought she deserved to be loved. If she loved you once, if you find the right buttons to push she might come back again.
@Adwoa – Thanks Adwoa for your comment. I appreciated your thoughts.
@All – Perhaps I posted this blog late in the day but was rather dissapointed that I didn’t get more feedback from the women. Which ironically was how the show went today. Most of the callers were men. And I was introduced as a “Relationship Expert” even though I had asked to be introduced as a “Writer, Blogger and Coach”. Maybe I should have complained on air but I didn’t…
So for those who didn’t listen on air – my general thoughts are that for the most part women do not leave relationships – even when they absolutely should. Even in contexts of violence, neglect and the breakdown of physical intimacy, love and support, women too often stay in relationships. They stay for a variety of reasons which I often feel are influenced by society – for the sake of the children, to avoid the stigma of being unmarried, because of what other people will say…That was the topic I really wanted to address. Why more women should leave relationships?
From a Lawyer’s point of view the four words usually spoken by women as a reason for leaving a relationship are “I AM NOT HAPPY”. Surprisingly it is different with men who usually have detailed reasons based mostly on suspicions. But I find women intriguing in this. They may tell some harrowing stories of what has happened over time that they tolerated because they were at least kept happy. When the happiness factor goes amiss, then they want out. This makes me believe that it takes longer for a woman to reach the point of packing bag and baggage than a man. A recent divorce I handled was just like that. The guy approached me for my legal services for a divorce. His reasons were spurious and based only on suspicions. I thus advised he see a more experienced married man with 41 years in marriage to the same woman. He returns to me later after weeks interacting with this man with a new zeal to try working at his relationship. He gets home and he is served with divorce papers from his wife.
So he returns very upset with himself and with his wife. His instructions for the answer to the petition is painful, scandalous and damaging of his wife if same is true, but that is what he wants. Then after these exchange of documents we meet his wife and her lawyer in court for the first time and I strike up a conversation to find out what really is the cause of the petition and whether something could be done about it. Her reply of course is what I have heard so many times, “he just does not make me happy anymore.” She goes on that the sex was good and available, hard work and care of her and their toddler child was forthcoming, but something went missing which she could not tell. I took a step aside with him and put this information to him for his views. What I deduced was that this extremely hard working guy by his words and conduct unintentionally demeaned his wife’s contribution. Thus from the lustful beginning this had eaten away at passion till nothing was left for the wife to hold on to. Us two lawyers impressed on the wife to think about talking to someone to work on herself. She refused. She insisted on going on. Divorce was granted and a certificate issued. Two weeks later she calls my client and asks him, “why did you go that far?” He of course misunderstanding what she meant comes to my office to report it to me. I took the time to comment a bit about his domineering demeanour as the possible fact she was talking about. I advised that he engage with his ex-wife to learn about the past and take lessons from it.
This is what he reported back two months later:- she called him again asking the same question and he used the opportunity to invite her out to an eating place at Osu. They had a no holds barred chat after which he realised that his words but not his deeds had made his wife lose every bit of passion in the marriage. This led to a weekly Saturday afternoon meet ups at osu, graduating to the booking of a hotel room for the weekend over some weeks. His visit however was to find out from me whether it was possible for a divorced couple to get married under the ordinance again. This couple remarried some few months ago, and are happier than ever. I learnt so much from that episode about how women, as distinct from men function and what gets either to reach the “on yer bike” moment. We need to study each other extremely well to understand each other.
@roots4life – Wow, thanks for throwing a bit of light on this topic. i’m not sure i have too much to say about this. I was dumped during a long-distance relationship. She said she was lonely. Still hurts.
Wow is right. 41 years and she says “You make me feel less than human” I still don’t know what that means and I still don’t know what I did. I tried and failed. I love my wife but she want a divorce after 41 years without talking about it. She wants to be 900 miles away from me. How can a marriage be repaired under these circumstances?
After reading roots4life’s contribution I must concur. As a woman, I recently left a relationship because I am not happy. And this is the reason most women come up with, it’s not because we are inarticulate, rather happiness in a relationship is the only reason to stay, not security, not love but happiness.
A man can ask to end a relationship for a variety of reason but they usually (in my estimation) fail to realise that their REAL reason is the same–no happiness.
Unhappiness is a perfectly valid reason to leave a relationship in my view because I also think it is the only reason to be in one. Also as a woman, cheating hurts, lying hurts more and it would be almost impossible for me to forgive either, but I could. But a man who belittles and demeans me is so much worse. And if I see that in a relationship and after raising the issue there are no improvements, I WILL leave. Simple.
Nsoromma, would you give a reasonable explanation for the unhappiness or would you say as my partner did “you make me feel less then human.” I did not understand this explanation so I questioned it. She walked away. Then the next day she was gone while I was at work. I lot of unhappy things happened in her life within a years time. I was layoff, We file bankruptcy, and her father died. Yes this is a lot of unhappiness. But I had no control over any of it. So why punish your husband when so many other factors are making you unhappy? Life is tough right now. There is a solution but sometimes the solutions take time to pan out.
John – I understand you are upset, but I would be very surprised if she had not raised a word about her feelings before that time. Maybe she felt she had already spoken and you had never listened.
But please, I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know the details of your relationship, I really am just talking off the cuff. I beg, no offence intended.
Nsoromma, No Offence taken, That has been an problem for a long time. She didnt’ what to talk about your personal lives as a couple. This is an issue that she would avoid. Yes she was unhappy because she planned on a cruise. I had to beg out because of work and the fact that is was look worse. She got the most angry when I applied for bankruptcy. That is when she got really quit. She didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t find a job locally that paid close to what I was making. I retired and went on Social Security and that upset her more. I tried several times but she would walk away. That hurt the most. I could see there was something bothering her but she would avoid the subject. I know she like the idea of a home based business and I did.
@John – You are understandably upset that a 41 year old relationship has come to an end without what appears on your part to be a satisfactory reason. I feel like that is always a difficult situation for the person who had wanted to stay in the relationship. For the party who has chosen to leave the relationship it is always easier (I feel). Before the other party tells you they are leaving they would have had time to think about their decision, plan (consciously or unconsciously) for the break up etc so it can come as a shock to the partner. I feel like there is not much you can do in this circumstance. Your partner has decided to leave you, she hasn’t given you a satisfactory reason, as tough as it is you need to find the strength to move on. Do what you need to do to move. Be kind to yourself. Do the things you may have wanted to do but couldn’t because of your partner (maybe you liked hiking and she hated hiking for e.g.) Consider seeking professional help from a Relationship Counsellor.
Wishing you all the best
Nana Darkoa,
Thanks, I will move on because that is the same advice that I got from the Doctor today. I guess the supprise is that she did not mention that she was leaving, she was suddenly gone. That is what shocked me. Thanks guys for the help.
I’m on the verge of leaving my ghanaian bf – I’m of uk caribbean descent. He’s studying for a Phd and working to pay for his course. Having been thro the education system i know how much time he needs to invest in his course in order to be successful. I only manage to see him for 2 to 3 hrs every 2 weeks or so…if i’m lucky…sometimes upto 5 weeks go by with nothing but a few text messages in between. Text messages!*! for heavens sake!… we’re not teens… he’s a grown man in his forties. I’ve been patient at this early stage of our relationship .. its been 6 months. I’ve spoken with him about how perplexed i’m feeling with such nonchalant behaviour. He hasn’t invested much time in me or building our relationship. I feel like I have to start all over again when I do get to see him: we make a connection and in the weeks we don’t see each other he becomes more attentive, more thoughtful, much more communicative . Progress! .. .and then it’s back to square one. He claims he loves me and has done so for longer than I knew, but I find this hard to believe – he becomes moody because I don’t verbally reciprocate his sentiments. No xmas card, no valentines card, no flowers, no teeny weensy gifts and now non communicado. He’s had a rocky start to his Phd – I believe he’s panicking when he now says he wants to ‘slow things down’ between us. Doesn’t this bring our relationship to a slow grinding halt? No no no he assures me, he just needs more time – He’s afraid of failure – aren’t we all? Is this justification for him ignoring my calls, my texts. I just want know where I really stand. Closure sounds like the solution. I just find his response to pressure rather extreme: total shutdown for another X? weeks. I’m angry, disappointed esp because after his pursuit, I’ve emotionally invested in this man. I feel more alone now than when I was single. Tell me, is this the ghanaian way? Any advice any thoughts?
Dear Curious Observer,
You can spend up to 5 weeks with no other form of communication between you and your boyfriend? Sister, break up with him! Seriously, I am not even going to beat around the bush. Break up with him! Why are you in a relationship? Presumably for companionship, support, friendship, sex or any of a myriad reasons…it doesn’t sound like you are getting any of this from him. Plus my antennae always goes up when guys say they are too busy (for whatever reason – work, study, etc) to spend time with you. My experience and the experiences of other women I have heard inform me that its either because they have other women on the side or they are just not that into you. If he was really into you, he will make time for you. Sometimes you have situations where guys claim not to have time for a woman because they need to concentrate on their studies blah blah blah so the relationship comes to an end and 3 months later you hear they are married to someone else. What happened you may wonder? Well, they finally fell in love…
What do other people think? Am I being overly harsh?
@ Nana – Not harsh at all! I totally agree. Seen it happen so many times…same thing happens when they say they are not ready for a relationship, 6 mnths later they’re married! Certain lines send alarm bells ringing for me ‘i’m too busy’ is one of them!
@ Curious Observer – Too busy is such a tired cliche. They usually are busy when they say it, but how busy is too busy? Busy people can still make time. So if he’s so busy, I presume he has left you to play the role of the woman with nothing better to do than pour her energy into being his support? He’s receiving your effort but what is he really giving back to you?Mscheeeeeeew! It’s not selfish to ask what’s in it for me in a relationship. You should get what you need or what is the point? I think he is taking the piss in a very Ghanaian male way. Plus I think 8 out of 10 Ghanaian guys love the idea of being in love more than they know the emotion. His behaviour is extremely selfish and he is old enough to know better. Get rid of him girl, you’d be well rid of him. If you are prepared to make time and he’s not then I think it shows that you’re more willing for it to work than he is. Don’t put yourself through that girl.
Mscheeeeew indeed! Lol. Yr right of course ladies. He’s caught me offguard because my bullsh** detector is usually primed… He just seemed so sincere, he never seemed the type. Enough with the psychological torture – it is time to move on. Thanks for yr straight talking and honesty… It’s a shame I couldn’t get that from. Keep up the good blog.
Mscheeeeew indeed! Lol. Yr right of course ladies. He’s caught me offguard because my bullsh** detector is usually primed… He just seemed so sincere, he never seemed the type. Enough with the psychological torture – it is time to move on. Thanks for yr straight talking and honesty… It’s a shame I couldn’t get that from him. Keep up the good blog.
Him: ‘Darling,I know I don’t have the cars,the houses,the successful I.T business and the money of my friend James,but I love you so so much,with all my heart.
Her: ‘If you truly love me,please introduce me to James..’
2 Cents again.