Guest Contributor Hitchedyke: My First time (that never was)

A girls virginity is something to be treasured right? (well that’s what they say anyway). People build such anticipation for that first time you give yourself to someone. Will you enjoy it? Will it be painful? Will it be with a special person?

When the topic of your first time and losing your virginity comes up I always feel left out and it seems people really like talking about it. See the thing is I don’t consider myself to have lost my virginity to anyone, I was sexually active before I met anyone, and I honestly do not know who my first was, it’s a bit of blurry line. You are wondering what I’m talking about aren’t you?

I have masturbated from as young as I could remember, somewhere between pre-school and primary school, I got aroused by the littlest of things, seeing a naked girl, seeing people kissing and  I knew how to get myself up and reach the big O. Where I learned that from is  a question I do not have an answer to. The first time someone came into the picture of my special moment was somewhere around age 8-10, it was a girl. We were alone in a room, there were pictures of naked women all over and pornographic magazines, as usual I got aroused and we both said ‘what the heck let’s try this,’ there was touching and there was rubbing and it was freaking awesome. (Was that my first time? I don’t consider it my first time, just a case of curiosity and experiments)

After that moment I still enjoyed that special alone time, but there was an occasional girl in the picture every now and then, my entire primary school years that is from about 8-13 I maybe did that act with 5 people and like I said nothing major just touching and rubbing, most times with clothes on sometimes without, what can I say we were kids.

And then the event that turned my life upside down occurred, I was molested by a distant relative and it seemed from that day on, I was sexually harassed by males, the sexual advances, unwanted touching it drove me mad,  and it went on and on and on, it really drove me mad. Somewhere in my mid-teens I decided to try the full on sex with a male, wasn’t all that good, it was over within 5 minutes and I felt nothing not even pain….( was either one of those times my first time???)

And I did try to move on, but the harassment did not stop, it went on for most of my teenage years and took a toll on me. I was emotionally and mentally frustrated. I was horny as hell, society was telling me I should be having sex with males but for some reason any sexual advances from them repulsed me and I hated it, with no one to turn to and the frustration taking the best of me I made the ultimate decision ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ yes I went on to have sex with men, I figure I didn’t enjoy it but since I volunteered it hurt less, I did not want to grow up as the girl who got raped…a lot.

I continued to pleasure myself on the side, well most of the time. Masturbating was the ultimate pleasure for me. I came to a point in my life when I decided I want to live my life the way I want. It came about after reading somewhere that we write our own stories and the story of the girl who slept with a guy to avoid being a rape victim did not do it for me.  After that came a time with a nice sexy girl, there was alcohol, there was kissing and there was mind blowing sex. ( of all my encounters this I consider closest to my first time, but was it really???)

After finding myself and moving on I got obsessed with being other people’s first time. There was just something so overwhelmingly sexy about sexing someone for their first time, knowing whatever you do they’ll go with it and pleasuring them like never before and that added pressure of making sure you set the standard so high that nobody who comes after you could do better. Most of all making sure that you are not part of the ‘my first time wasn’t all that good’ stories.

All in all, I don’t mind that I don’t really have a particular first time, but I do mind being other people’s first time ( in a good way),  my last ever ‘first timer’ failed to mention it was her first time til later on, she shall never know how disappointed I was , she has robbed me of the joy of holding and doing her delicately and the pleasure of seeing her reach new heights all because of you.

How was your first time?  What does it mean to you? How do you feel about being someone else’s first?