Making consent sexy

One time I was hanging out with a bunch of new friends. We were in a friend’s newly rented apartment. There were about six of us, and so we were all camping out on the floor on airbeds. We had spent the night talking about sex, and I for one was feeling more than a little horny. The woman who I was sharing an airbed with snuggled close when the lights went out. I lay there feeling a bit tense.


“Are you OK?” she asked.


“Yes I am”


“Relax then.”


I allowed my body to let go. My arse was now wedged more into her side. She put her hand on my thigh and asked,


“Can I touch you?”


I nodded.


“I didn’t hear you. What did you say”?


“Yes you can,” I whispered. I didn’t want the other women to hear me.


Her hand travelled from my thigh, and around my body. I could feel myself getting progressively wetter and wetter. She paused around my vagina.


“Can I put my finger in you”?


In my mind I was thinking, argh, why do you keep asking me, just do it. I didn’t want to have to take responsibility for what was happening. To ask myself, do you really want to do this or not? I just wanted to be lost in the moment, but I had learnt my lesson.




She put a finger inside me, and did that come here motion with her hand that I have read so much about. I had to cum quietly so that the other women sleeping in the room wouldn’t hear me.


That experience was a powerful lesson in consent for me. A reminder of the importance of asking, and to keep asking, and to ensure that consent when it is given, is enthusiastically given.


My fam at HOLAA Africa have created this manual for women who sleep with women. I think all people that sleep with women (ahem that includes you men) would benefit from reading this manual. Also accompanying this manual are some great infographics on consent. Read and share these resources widely.

Credit: HOLAA
Credit: HOLAA
Credit: HOLAA
Credit: HOLAA
Photographer: Siphumeze Khundayi
Photographer: Siphumeze Khundayi

1 comments On Making consent sexy

  • I love that it comes with flowcharts. Like, in case these words were not enough, here’s an EASY to follow diagram. Yes!

    I’m so pleased consent is making a much needed appearance in our modern conversations about sex. So much has been taken for granted for years. Thanks for leading this discussion!

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