She and I decieved my girlfriend: Max Sunryse needs your advice

[Max would like your advice. Read the chain of emails between us and let him know your thoughts]

Hi Nana,

I’m not sure if you recall that the last time I run into you I told you about someone who had expressed a sexual interest in me. Long and short is that we ended up sleeping together a couple of times. She expressed her love for me…I found myself developing serious feelings for her. I happen to be a journal-writer (been one for 25yrs now almost). I guess out of guilt and whatnot, I recorded our escapades, and affair. My girlfriend was uneasy about how I was changing. She read it. Was horrified. Game over. Lost my friend and now re-building trust with my girlfriend, who has forgiven me…Want to know whether I should apologise to my former lover much, much later. She was keen to back down from the intimacy, but I guess I encouraged her. Bottom line is that she and I both deceived my girlfriend. But I still feel bad as she TRULY is a kind-hearted person in so many ways. A good person who did a bad thing. Should I apologise to her in a month’s time even after she has defriended me from Facebook and skype?




Hi Max,

Of course I remember this conversation, and thank you for trusting me and sharing these intimate details.

My thoughts are what is done is done. Your girlfriend has forgiven you and decided to give your relationship another chance. As long as you know you want to be with her you should focus all of your attentions on your relationship with her. The other party has defriended you from FB and Skype which gives me the impression that she wants to move on with her life and part of that process is doing her best to forget you…I think you should respect those wishes. She is a fully grown adult (at least I get that impression) so I do not think you should feel that you deceived her into having a relationship with you. We all have to take personal responsibility for our actions so don’t put that additional guilt on your shoulders.

Maintaining friendships with past lovers in this particular type of scenario can be extremely complicated. So for e.g. how do you think your girlfriend will feel if she found out in a month’s time that you had been in touch with this girl? Even if your intention was only to apologise (and I see no need for an apology). Of course as time goes on you may one day be able to maintain a neutral relationship with this woman if you meet her at a conference, party etc but right now it seems that you both need space to move on with your individual lives.

I hope this feedback has been helpful.



Hi Nana,

This feedback has been very helpful; I seriously do appreciate this.

I know it is time to move on–and I am doing this. I really need to work on diverting my attention. My journal-writing will definitely help me. I honestly do love my girlfriend, and I will not put her through this ever again.

I feel bad precisely because my ex-lover and I declared our love for each other, and agreed that the intimacy must stop but we would cherish our friendship. We were moving slowly as friends when everything blew up.

My girlfriend was only protecting her heart and her turf, and she threatened this ex-lover. She is naturally scared and am sure she has done all the de-friending also to ensure that my girlfriend doesn’t find any info about her–should my girlfriend decide to snoop on me.

It is true what is done is done, and I would feel bad that I would be contacting this ex-lover. However, I also feel that many months down the line, it wd be important to meet my former lover face-to-face, look her in the eye and say : “I have forgiven myself for what happened. I hope you have, too. I have moved on; I know you have, too. Let’s be friends.”

I am happy to have you use this example as an entry; it would be terribly cathartic for me to know how people would handle it. What are people’s experiences? Have they been able to be-friend their former lovers and maintained a good friendship?

Thanks so much for your words of comfort, Nana.
Hope to hear from you soon,


12 comments On She and I decieved my girlfriend: Max Sunryse needs your advice

  • Max, it is tough getting cut-off cold turkey. That is what is driving your need to talk to lovergirl “face-to-face”.
    That feeling will pass when you decide where to focus your desires, and actually do just that. Those same desires that were in play when you strayed from your girl.
    As for lover girl, she has walked away. Dont chase her.
    Being friends is what sounds civil, but dangerous. Unless of course, keeping them both is what will make all 3 lives better.
    All the best.

  • thanks, MikeyMike for your candour. Interestingly, I sent an e-card to my former lover, expressing — yet again — my full apology. Can you believe she opened the e-card? I know because I got an eml she had opened it, despite the fact that it was clear from the email it was from me. I feel a whole lot better that she might not hate me totally like I feared. This is important for me to move on more comprehensively…

  • I think its important that Max realises that, sometimes, Life doesn’t allow us closure. In this situation, he just need to pick up and move on. What does he hope to achieve by finding his ex-lover and ‘apologising’?

    I suspect you’re feeling guilty (as you should), but your apology will not absolve you from the consequences. You are lucky your girlfriend has forgiven you. If you truly love her, forget about your ex and just move on with your girlfriend.

    Seriously. Do. Not. Resuscitate.

  • Hi Max, my mom says that when we ask for advice, we often don’t want it. Lol. You see, most of us (me especially!) are going to do what we’re going to do whether or not people advise us! You may want to be with your ex because you enjoy shagging her and she’s exciting. Or, you may want to be with your girlfriend ’cause you feel she’s the one. Or you may want to juggle both your ex and your girlfriend ’cause then you get the best of both worlds. Just make your decision boldly but be ready to accept whatever consequences your choice will bring!!! More power to you! Hugs

  • Max, I think it will be best for you to cut of this lover girl of yours and focus your attention and everything to your girlfriend.

    I don’t know what it is with your lover that exicted you that much that you seem to feel guilty and would wish a for face to face apology, its certain she wants to move on with her life, i guess you should do same and let go of her.

  • Somewhat on the same lines as Ekuba.

    Max, you were dying to be caught… dying for your GF’s attention, things get humdrum, we don’t know where we stand, we do things guaranteed to get attention.. and you did and were rewarded with a reaffirmation of your GF’s love for you.

    All good.

    But beats me why you think you “lover” should appreciate being part of your science experiment.

    You got off lightly, ma brother.. walk around with a big smile on your face…

  • Max, what exactly do you want from your ex-lover?
    I’m thinking that if you actually care enough that you still want to be friends you should think about how that will affect her. It may not be the best thing for your ex-lover to hear from you. It could essentially come off as you rubbing in her face the progress you’ve made without her in your life or misconceived as an opportunity to have her back in your life romantically. Either way it seems best to me that you leave your ex-lover be.

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  • Ditto on what Ekuba said.

    Going out on a limb here, Max, I’ll say you have not gotten over this supposed ex-lover, and that you will need to invest in a radical turn-around plan. A radical turn-around plan that includes quitting the journaling of things that you don’t plan to relive. A radical turn-around plan that includes you proactively running away from the ex-lover. By your girlfriend forgiving you, she has not forgotten and if she’s like any woman I know, it will hurt her more to even learn that you are trying to reach out to this ex-lover (even if it’s for something as harmless as a job referral).

    Speaking from experience, there is that superman complex that makes a man think he can be friends with an ex he has unfinished business with. It’s always a dangerous territory. From the text and subtext of your writing, you are enjoying the remote possibility that you might have that ex just one more time. You need someone to tell you the bitter truth (which is what I’m attempting to do here). You are playing with fire. You need someone to pour some cold water on you – so you can wake up.

    If you need something to do, invest in asking your girlfriend how she feels from day to day. Journal about how your girlfriend may be feeling when she is away from you – because she still does not trust you. Write letters daily to your girlfriend reassuring her of your resolve to focus 100% on her – because you recognize that trust will have to be earned back over time. And if the ex sends you an e-card in return, be my hero and delete it without opening it.

    Facts are that people who cheat once will cheat again. That is usually because people who cheat (and get off the consequences as easily as you did) go right back to business as usual. And I fear you are slipping back to viewing what happen as not a big deal. It is a really big deal.

    My prediction for a year down the line. You are probably going to heed the advice of your friends here and will come back to share how you read books, received counseling, and surrounded yourself with very positive people and are enjoying a strong and fulfilling relationship with your current GF. You are probably going to come back to share with us how you ran into the ex-lover and one thing led to another and you ended up sleeping with her again and how badly you feel about what you’ve done.

    I, like your friends on here, are rooting for you to make the best decision for you and your girlfriend. But as they say on Captain Planet, the power is in your hands.

  • ManinchocolateSkin: wow! I love your post, and it is very well-put. I want to assure you, though, that I consider my indiscretion a VERY big deal.

    I am fortunate to be out of the country as I wrote this. It has given me perspective. On the plane, I rationalised the whole thing. While I may like my former lover a lot, I probably exaggerated my feelings for her because she was the first woman to be so explicit about wanting to sleep with me, and initiating it. This whole thing started knowing we were attracted to each other. Before I knew it, we met and before I knew it, she was sucking some private parts. Very few men can resist that!!

    She never was shy abt how much she wanted to fck me and admitted that I was her type. Later she expressed her love for me and I developed feelings, too as I saw her in her normal self and appreciated her good character.

    I have never had that kind of woman before and I guess I was attracted to that idea of a woman wanting me EVERY day sexually. That is where I went wrong.

    Thing abt this all is that we work in the same sector and are likely to bump into each other before the year is out–because of a meeting or other. I have stopped putting my mail on invisible just to avoid her seeing me. I have put it back on “busy” so she knows am getting on with life.

    It is almost two weeks. I am away from Ghana, but never have I been tempted to stray from my gf. I know she is building the trust — and keeps telling me she trusts me, but I should give her time. I keep telling her I wont accept her apology because I am in the wrong.

    With the distance and prayers to my Maker for forgiveness by all parties and requests for strength to overcome and carry on, I know this will never happen again. In my six yrs, it was only this yr I strayed from my gf–and it will be the last. Now I will focus my attention on fighting inner demons preventing us from getting married to ensure it happens SOONER than later.

    Thanks to all contributions!!

  • Hi Max,

    I read the main entry and then the first few comments and quickly formed opinions about you. My contribution was going to be along the same lines as Ekuba et al’s and woulda been: ‘who are you kidding; over-emphasizing the need to apologise to your ex-lower. you just want to get back into her pants again and are secretly enjoying the drama of being caught’.

    But i read your last comment and I was like wow! You must be the most emotionally mature man on earth! LOL! I like the way you have been able to do a lot of thinking and sorted things out in your head.
    You were flattered by the interest shown in you, slipped and cheated and hurt your girlfriend. It is obvious you care for your GF very much.

    Unlike 90% of the earth’s population, I do believe it is possible to ‘cheat’ on someone you love immensely. We are human, capable of failure and giving into ‘temptations of the flesh’ (a phrase you will most likely hear in a church). Luckily for you, your GF says she has forgiven you and she has been honest with you about it being a long road to completely forgetting. I am sure she has gone through the 80/20 analysis thingy and all the positives she finds about you are helping her along.

    So continue doing your thing, be open to her about what is going on inside your head and how much you really want to make it work between you. Speak to her like you have done on here and trust me, she will appreciate it. I am sure a lot of women will agree with me that it is rare to find a man capable of being able to open up emotionally and articulate their thinking processes.

    All the best!

    PS, stay away from ex-lover. i think it is best that way. unless you want to court drama

  • Hi Max,

    There has been a lot of talk for your GF, and I wanted to play the devil’s advocate in favor of your ex. Please indulge me, this is not a mere thought experiment.

    From what I can see, you are torn between 2 women. Presumably one is your girlfriend because you have some special feelings for her that you don’t have for the other. However, it could also be the case that you have these feelings for your ex-lover, as you call her, and just haven’t given it a chance. And so while you are with your missus, your mistress’ allure is undeniable.

    I don’t believe in staying away from the mistress because she is the mistress and you have a missus. My thing is figure out who you want, without the labels, and then go after her. Sticking to the current for the reason of avoiding drama is not good enough.

    Remember this girl you have a past with has declared her feelings for you. She is not just sitting around waiting for her monthly booty call. She, from the sound of it, is hoping that you will pick her too. She also can get hurt. Don’t treat her like a mistake. What you did together might have been, but to call her a mistake that must be avoided, that hurts and no one deserves that.

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