Till this day I can hold a book (whether novel or guide) or a movie (be it a romantic comedy or those XXX demos) as responsible for most of what I know on the topic of sex. Over the years I may have gleaned more from my friends experiences but most of them just went to confirm either this or that which I had read in one of my varied books.
I am the Go-to Girl amongst my friends, boys and girls alike. The one they come to with their problems, to just talk knowing I’ll listen, gory details and all, and tell them something they may want to hear or impart some wisdom from one of the many books. Or just make them feel better by joining them in moaning over my own considerable problems in that area. Self-pity likes company. A friend of mine recently told me my problem is that “I know too much”. I have to say she may be right. For a virgin, I know entirely too much to be called if ever they need naïve maidens to line up and welcome the Prince of Peace. I lost naivety over the years, if not my hymen. And though I still have some left, it seems I’ll be losing even that soon enough
You may ask what it’s like being a 25 year-old virgin in these our very sexualized times. Here’s your answer: It’s an oxymoron: good/bad, disappointment/blessing.
Good; everyone see you like a rare breed, a “real godly woman”. As a blessing it means you’ve not been raped, and you haven’t had a messed up relationship with all the other consequences…
Bad; you are immediately seen by some as some “goody two shoes”, you stand under the searching eyes of those who know you haven’t dunnit yet, and can feel them licking their lips waiting for you to do something just so they can say “Ah ha!” and some just would hint that you (particularly with your being a feminist) are a lesbian. And the disappointment? You haven’t enjoyed the feeling that nearly every song, movie or book describes. You haven’t found a man you can fall for or even some slick smooth talker who could seduce you and leave you cursing him…Yes it’s the epitome of a good/bad situation.
Being a virgin isn’t so difficult when you are in boarding school, between the ages of ten and seventeen in disciplined quarters, where your every move is determined by either teachers, prefects or parents, it is not easy to wander off the straight line of sexual morality. Besides, the fear of what would happen if you do experiment; whether with the opposite sex (getting pregnant) or with another girl in your own dorm (getting dismissed) far outweighs the curiosity of what it would feel like if you do….
But when the one is set free of the prison that most boarding schools are and lives on their own around a university campus with no curfews, attending regular parties with dirty dancing, boys and men who would chat up anything that wears a skirt and very many friends who had “given it up” a long time ago and are very willing to share the deets, it serves to reason that their remaining a virgin would be dubious right? Well after 5 years of that life; four years of undergrad education and one year of job-hunting, I can tell you it is hard. But possible.
And since we’re on the topic lets define concisely what virginity is here: Of course they say its someone who has never had sex. But to be frank, there are various kinds of sex. And if oral was to be considered then NO I’m not a virgin. But for the sake of this write-up I’m defining virgins as someone who has not gone “all the way” though they may have gone pretty far…
The question now is why? Why have I not completely given into the itch that comes as regularly as PMS? Am I the goody two shoes I’m accused of being? Or have a preference for my own as some are waiting to hear? No, on both counts, thanks. But let me try and explain. Growing up like most girls in boarding schools (even though mine was mixed) I read novels, romance novels in particular. They were the only entertainment allowed though it still worried some overly-strict parents and teachers who thought we would want to “practice what we read”. Boy were they wrong! Well at least with me. While other may have read and seen only the culminating sex scenes, I saw the characters, and took them to heart. Loved some, despised others and wanted to emulate them. So when many a heroine was smart, and beautiful, witty, and strong I worked to be the same and when many a heroine would give herself up to her soul-mate, I longed to do the same.
You see the problem really is the first time. Anything after that, doesn’t matter to me. I’m gradually losing the idea that my first will be my only, But I can’t shake that understanding that a girl’s first time will always be a ready memory never to be erased. It could be a pleasant one with the right guy who pulls out all the works, or it could be an ugly one where you and the guy are pulled apart and you hope you never lay eyes on the SOB again. Of course I want the former and so I wait for the right guy. And still I wait. Not patiently mind you, I was not in the room when God was distributing the gift of patience.
But before you feel sorry for me and say I’m another victim of Harlequins romantic fairytales. I would say my argument (which I have down pat from years of defending myself against everyone including myself) is for all what I’ve heard, read, watched, believed and known, there are three categories of intercourse: Sex. Good sex, and making love. The last being the one where both go in wanting to give pleasure rather than just take it, and where even if you don’t last more than 5 mins the feelings shared make it seems like hours. Well I’m holding out for the best. If that doesn’t come through, I’ll settle for a guy who seems skilled enough and plain good sex.
But till the hope I cling to completely breaks and the last of my naivety dies and I fall of the edge on which I linger(which may not be too long from now) I’ll be considering getting a dildo to solve that monthly itch 😛
9 comments On ‘Shall I remain a virgin?’ asks guest contributor Eleanor T.K.
Me, I don’t feel sorry for you at all. I envy you! How fantastic for you, not to have your virginity taken by some deft underaged boy “rapping” you by saying ‘oh, I’ll only put it in two times’. (Can you tell I’m rather resentful in this regard?)
Of course you’re on the right track! Ain’t nobody got time for wack sex.
More vim!As someone who lost her virginity at 22, I can assure u I do not have regrets about waiting for the ‘right’ guy. I’d imagine losing your ‘maidenhead’ to a douchebag is much worse than losing it when you are older with someone you trust and care for. Your body, your rules. Weirdly enough, i do not recall my first time, so don’t let fear keep you from experiencing something special when you do decide to. Best of luck!
I waited too, albeit impatiently….. Losing at 23 to someone I considered cool enough and later realized wasn’t….went on another 5-6 year stint of self-imposed abstinence( exercising faith), it was good I guess,learnt a lot of thns in that period but my naïveté only grew. At the latter parts of 28 and dangling at that very edge, waiting for THAT special kinda love that would hoosh-sweep me off my feet, I lost the battle and jumped ryt in……a luvly jump it was. Frankly, might regret later but I’m a happy person now.
Keep the #vim alive! wait for what you seek but as AfroD said, don’t let fear keep u from experiencing something special…… All the best.
Lol! Malaka, yes I do notice the resentfulness. And thank you. I’ll try to run it through my head that despite this uncertainty I am being envied by someone.
Reading this is like staring at a mirror. I thought i was alone and felt weird sometimes amongst my friends who ve gone all the way (marjority find it hard to believe i am still a v) . As an excuse for still being a virgin at 25,i often blame it on knowing too much and being able to identify right away the guys i did not want to hang with. Truth be told, i think i am scared of losing it to the wrong guy with much regret especially waiting out this long. Anyway, its a new year and hopefully the only phrase in my mum’s sex ed talk with me “stay away from boys” wld gradually fade away from my memory.
just like a coincidence,was actually chatting with ma buddy dis morning and den we started talking bout ma gf of 3yrs den he asked if I have had sex with her, I replied NO, he was shocked, den he looked me in my face and asked if I was still a virgin, I said yes, den with more seriousness, stared hard at me, asked to confirm my age which is 21, den kept on asking me, hoping at some point I wud just say its a lie dat I aint a virgin. One word for it to describe his reaction, DISBELIEF, anoda wud be SHOCKED, dats d kinda world were in, peeps dnt believe a boy of 21 can exist in dis time and era an still be a virgin.
You are right Oluwabusayo. A virgin at 21 might be accepted in a girl but in a guy it is seen as dubious. After all even Rev. Fathers aren’t virgins eh?
Such double standards.
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