Secondary Virginity

nun praying


When I woke up this morning, I knew that I was going to give celibacy another try. That’s how I make all my major decisions you know- I mull over it for weeks, months even. Then one day, out of the blue, I just know deep down inside exactly what I want to do. That’s how I made the decision to become a lawyer 5 years ago, the decision to grow my own natural hair 3 years ago and the decision to become a vegetarian 6 months ago and thank God I’ve been able to stick to all these decisions to date!

I know that by this time, most of you who have read my previous posts are guffawing out loud and saying “Lol, so after all her scandalous sexcapades, Ekuba is now becoming celibate? This is what broken-heart can do to a person. What’s next, purity rings and a lifetime in the nunnery? Hell, Ekuba, since you claim you’re not going to have sex again why don’t you just leave this blog!”

I know, I know, it sounds contradictory but my decision to become celibate doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have sex again for the rest of my life, talk about it, reminisce my past experiences or appreciate how exciting sex is. I guess it’ll make more sense if I explain why I’ve decided not to have sex anymore. I broke up with my ex recently and that really made me realize what I want in a sexual relationship. You see, as young as I may seem to some of you 🙂 I’ve climbed all the beds, screwed all the people and done all the sexual positions I want to. To put it simply, I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex supposedly ‘without strings attached’. I’m tired of having sex with men that are still deciding where next to take our relationship – it’s just a part of me that I can’t give away anymore. So I decided that I’m not going to have sex until I meet a man who’s willing to commit to me all the way including marriage. And if he’s willing to get married to me, then why not wait till we marry until we ‘do the thing’? See why I made the decision? And to be quite frank, as much as I’ve enjoyed the diverse sexual experiences I’ve had, I have always had a hard time reconciling my beliefs with having sex outside marriage. I’m one of those church members who is always praying on Sunday morning for the sins of Saturday night!

What do you think? Am I insane to choose this path? Does secondary virginity even exist? Has desperation colored my decision? Is it highly likely that I’ll break my ‘vow of chastity’ very soon once I get the ‘itch’? Am I going to end up in a vanilla-sex-only kind of marriage with some boring guy or marry a guy who can’t get it up because I didn’t test drive the car before buying it?

PS: ANNOUNCEMENT! Ladies and Gentlemen, Fellow Adventurers, lend me your ears! I am pleased to officially launch (drumroll….) the brand new Adventures Forum!  *Applause*. See that link at the right-hand corner of the homepage dubbed ‘Forums’? Well, why don’t you click on it and see where it leads you? We’ll be posting very juicy topics there. Already, Nana has put up an interesting topic about child sexual abuse in Ghana and Yaw wants to know if there’s anything like a big vagina, lol. The newest topic on the block is ‘Celibacy is a useless venture’. Do you agree?

32 comments On Secondary Virginity

  • Hehehehe, to each her own. I was celibate before I started dating my boyfriend who later became my husband. For me, I was irritated by the way the so called men were behaving and decided that I could not be bothered to be dealing with the drama. So, it’s nothing new.

    • lol @ Madam Butterfly- that’s really interesting. Did you have any strong urges to have sex during the time that you were celibate & how did you deal with that? What convinced you to give ‘it’ to your boyfriend who later became your husband?

      • @Ekuba, my sister. Did I feel like having sex off course but I just could not be bothered with it all. Because I’d waited so long, I did not mind having a romp in the hay with my then boyfriend. Nothing special crossed my mind. In my mind he was better than the others.

  • Hmmmm, two thoughts, wish you well.. and is this about sex, or is it about something else? I feel that I’m going through a similar phase, but I’m not tired of sex, it’s just that I’m tired of undifferentiated sex…. if that makes sense.

    • But then I also wonder whether this hang up about sex and how and when it should happen is healthy…. I mean if someone wants to have sex with me, why turn down the opportunity to engage in a deeply pleasurable activity?

      Confusion reigns in my land. 😀

      • Hi Kofi A! Thanks for wishing me well on my self-imposed journey into no-sex-land 🙂 It’s about sex for me- I’ve gotten to a point where I’m not satisfied with sex anymore unless it’s with a man that I love & who loves me back & is willing to be totally committed to me. In other words, I’m more or less tired of f#@king & want to ‘make love’ only (pardon my French!). What do you mean by undifferentiated sex? About turning down sex- I know, it totally goes against the advice never to refuse a good offer, no?

  • Hahahaah @Ekuba – Can I just clarify that I am laughing at the visual you chose and not the content. The picture is hilarious. Chale sis, do you. Do whatever makes you happy. If celibacy is what is right for you today then go for it. If you change your mind tomorrow that’s okay too. The important thing (I think) is for us to reflect on our decisions and why we do what we do…and it sounds like you’ve done that. All the best, and this is going to create material for a whole new type of ‘Adventures’ blogging…you can blog about the challenges of being celibate, whether celibate people should indulge in solo action, and I am sure loads more topics will come to mind… I’m heading to the Forums now xoxo

    • lol, @ Nana Darkoa: I know right! the visual is totally dramatic, with the nun weeping & all. I wanted to go over the top- as you know by now, yours truly is a drama queen. Yeah, you’re absolutely right, I never even thought about blogging about my path to celibacy. Thank goodness that I’m not going to be thrown out of the adventurers blog for deciding to lead this ultra-boring lifestyle 🙂

  • @Ekuba this is drama! This boy keeps coming in and out of your life and now you have made a decision that your next boyfriend/partner will have to endure you denying him sex until he commits to marry you. I can perfectly understand why you have arrived at that decision and I wish you good luck. It may lead to you weeding out those casual sex hunters but it can also repel a very good catch who may interpret your action as you not loving him enough to want to have sex with him. I had to endure that with an ex-girlfriend of mine who insisted we can only have sex after we are married only to find out later that someone was screwing her when I thought I was saving it for the D-day. Since then any lady that gives me that excuse I interpreted it as her not loving me enough to have sex with me.

    • @ Kweku A,

      “I interpreted it as her not loving me enough to have sex with me.”

      So, Kweku please help me understand the aformentioned. When I give you some, it’s because I love you and not necessarily because I just want to get my rocks off? We are copulating out of a deep well of love?

  • @ Kweku A: lol, Can you believe that I didn’t consider it from that angle ie: my next partner may feel unloved when I don’t have sex with him? Hmm, nsem pii- To quote Jay Z, I’ve got 99 problems & now my future partner feeling unloved is one! Wow, that was a really shitty thing that your ex did to you. Maybe she was denying you sex as a way of getting you to marry her? I’m not going celibate to convince my next man to marry me but I know it’s a popular advice they used to give women in Kumasi when I was growing up ie: if you want a man to marry you then don’t give it to him ever. One of my friends’ mum in Kumasi (who is very avant garde & worldly wise) even advised me to get a young man as a steady boyfriend & ‘talk marriage with him’ but never have sex with him. She said that if while I was dating this young man, I really wanted sex or to ‘blow time’, then I should simultaneously date an older man, have sex with this older guy etc. but make sure I never sleep with my young boyfriend. hmm.

  • I went celibate for the same reasons as yours &more!it been 9month &i couldn’t be happier with my decision!
    Do I feel tempted?NOPE!Sex became meaninless for me &was just screwing for the sake of it.
    I began to feel shitty,worthless &dumb when I tot of the senseless escapades &the heartbreaking results I encountered.
    Most of all I stopped because I was displeasing God and hurting my body.I ‘claimed’ to be a Christian who went out at every given opportunity to preach yet I was engaging in gross sin,how hypocritical of me?
    So carry go dear,its a really good decision and yes don’t let the men derail u with the BS talk of u don’t love me enough,when did love equate to sex?*rme*

    • yay @ Abena! happy 9 months & something celibacy anniversary lol. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Aren’t you worried though that you’ll end up with a dude who sucks in bed? Since you’ve had sex before, you know how ‘good sex’ feels & so what if the guy you date turns out not to be good in bed when you marry him? I’m asking because I have no idea how you can tell whether sex life with the guy you’re marrying is gonna be great if you don’t do it with him before you hit it ie: I dated 2 guys whom I thought would be great in bed (cos they were open about sex & had slept with other women before) but one of them turned out to be horrible in bed & the other’s ‘package’ couldn’t really satisfy me, if you know what I mean (wink)

  • Yess oo,every month I snack on a bar of golden tree chocolate to congratulate myself!
    Trust me you aren’t alone at all,know soo many of my friends who’ve taken such decision.
    Am I not afraid?a big YES!I’m really scared of meeting an under performance guy &then I would be miserable in my marriage,However I have come to the realisation that the best performing sex couples don’t necessarily have a happy marriage.
    Like the divorce rate in hollywood wouldn’t be soo high,shebi aren’t they the ones who portray all those amazing love scenes?
    So Ekuba marriage goes beyond sex,yes it matters but companionship and all plays a factor.
    One thing I would defo check is the size!yes to me size size matters*wink*U would have to show me oo,no ‘worms’ inside me.hehehe.
    I used to pity the woman who wld marry my cousin,he has the smallest dick I have ever seen and yes I have seen a lot.*coversfaceinshame*

    • lol, so will you ask him to show his ‘thing’ to you? wow that’s going to be exciting! What if he also asks to see yours? And then what if after seeing each other’s packages, you both get horny & want to do it?
      Hmm, the small dick thing can be a problem but sometimes, I wonder if it’s not a form of discrimination (ie: are we all being ‘dickist’ lol) to look down on small penises since no one determines the size of his penis

  • @AM I came to that conclusion bcos if u have a girl friend who will not have sex with you bcos she wants to save it for the D-Day only to find out she is having it with someone else how else can you interpret this?
    @Ekuba I didn’t know some girls were being given the advice to refrain from sex with the one they love but give it to the older person they don’t love but is showering money and presents on them lol! I don’t understand the logic. I thought if a woman was going to do it then she will rather do it with the one they really have feelings for.
    @Abena good on you for being happily celibate for 9 months. If its for religious reasons I can’t fault it. Obviously you could end up with a man who can’t get his dick to be active but then thats part of the package. For better or for worse. If he ends up being impotent thats your portion. Christianity doesn’t want men who cannot be sexually active to be left unmarried and lonely if they desire to marry. After all in this age of vibrators and IVF its not that bad after all.

  • Talk about coincidence, a couple of weeks ago, i informed a few of my closest friends i was going to be celibate for the next six months and well…their reactions ranged from that knowing smile that says “yeah right” to outright exclamations of “are you crazy?” lol. Anyways, its not something i’m taking way so seriously and so far, at two weeks, i have’nt even felt any deep urge to even propel me to masturbate. Maybe, it has to do with my low sex drive recently, and maybe, because i want the next guy i share my my body with to be “the one”. Problem is, i don’t even want to meet “the one” till the next couple of years when i’m sure i’ll be ready to settle down. Don’t know if i’ll be able to make the two year wait( i don’t even believe it myself)but so far, ive been good. I know when my sex hormones really start to accumulate and kick in, i’ll have some issues but hey, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. More power to you, Ekuba!

    • @ Naa Adjeley, very interesting! lol at your friends being shocked when you told them. charley, I’m even shocked at myself for making this decision- I always thought I’d be the last person on earth to decide to become celibate. Hmmm, those raging hormones & sexual urges! I have absolutely noooo idea what I’m going to do when they arrive knocking at my door but maybe I’ll follow your example, take it one day at a time & just wait it out.

    • @ Naa Adjeley: I forgot to ask this: since you’ve indicated in previous comments (eg. your comments on the post about sex Christmas wishes) that you’re bisexual, are you cutting out all types of sex entirely (ie: including solo sex & sex with a woman) or since you said you’re waiting for the one (& implied he’s a guy) does it mean you’re just cutting out sex with men till you find one whom you deem worthy? also, does it mean that you’ve ditched your girlfriend (the one you indicated has an abusive past)? you seemed really fond of her. & finally, does that mean that ‘the one’ for you is definitely going to be a man & not a woman?

      • well, my girl and i have not actually indulged in any sexual activity (beyond kissing) for the past couple of months so that’s not really a problem except that she seemed quite bummed when i told her. Anyways, we have always agreed that we are best friends first before anything else so i am still very fond of her and this doesn’t (hopefully) affect our friendship. The problem, right now, in my opinion is solo sex…i mean, its the most readily available and most tempting form of sexual pleasure to me and even though i don’t indulge so frequently, i’m afraid when the sexual tension rises considerably, it will probably be my first “go-to”. Not sure if that counts as non-celibacy material, no?

  • Its always interesting to me when I read these accounts. I’ve only ever been intimate with my boyfriends, and my current boyfriend is the only man I’ve had sex with. So, I haven’t had that experience of being with someone who I didn’t love, or who didn’t love me back. Our sex is great. Could it be better? I don’t know. Sometimes, I am curious about what else is out there, because I do feel my experiences are limited. And I wonder if I need to go out and do some searching before he & I get married, but then I also wonder… what on earth would I be looking for? I highly doubt that I could find anyone better for me in terms of the whole package. And even if I do find better sex, wouldn’t it be better if I just never knew about it?

    I know they say ignorance is bliss, but it takes a lot of work to remain willfully ignorant. Sometimes I want to let my curiousity get the best of me haha.

    • See I come across stories like this… and I’m like what the heck? There is a whole world out there that I am not experiencing:

      “His six-foot- five ass ate my five- foot- three vagina, as I held on to the ceiling. What in the hell, I swear it’s like he gets a f–king kick out of eating my Pu—y. He is a beast. Help, I do not want him to stop. I haven’t even has intercourse with his ass. And, it is very, salami big. I think he is turning me out.”

      • I know how you feel @ Nmo. When you meet the right guy, who satisfies you in all ways, you feel that there may be no one like that out there. But i’m not sure if that’s true. I’m part of those who believe that there are several people who would make us happy but it may not always be easy to find them. About there being better sex out there: so many things make sex ‘pleasurable’ not just the techniques, for example- I personally find it easier to orgasm when I’m in love with the guy & I’ve known him for a while & am comfortable with him. & so if you’re like me, then maybe part of the reason why this sex is so great is because you love your boyfriend & he loves you. That said, I remember having totally hot sex with a guy that was sooooo wrong for me (blog post coming soon! lol) & so it depends. All I can say is that enjoy being with your guy & see where it leads but if for any unforeseen reason, you have to move on, you’ll find someone who’ll give you bliss too 🙂

  • I need to send this to my sister. We were JUST discussing this 2 days ago. Sex has become quite tedious, we said. We’ve had all the sex we need for a long time. Of course, you’re talking about 2 people with a self-proclaimed prophecy of old age spent together living our days out surrounded by cats n’ peaches…

    • Please I beg you rescind your decision immediately! I can’t answer any charges Mr. Malaka and Mr. Malaka’s- sister make against me for causing their wives/ partners to deny them. lol

  • Ekuba I wish you well on your journey…I must let u know that it will not be easy tho’ esp when the urges hit you. Before I got married, I had also gone thru it all, one-night stands, no-strings attached sex, friends-with-benefits you name it. I just got tired and told myself enuf! The next guy I slept with was going to be ‘the one’. Before I met my boyfriend who became my husband, I had been celibate for 8 months but it ended on our 2nd date or so… hahaha. So all the best girl!!

    • @ Akosua: thanks. And you’re probably right, upon all my too-known, I’m very sure that if I meet a man who sweeps me off my feet, I’ll cage in. I can totally see my period of celibacy ending with me jumping some hot guy after missing sex for so long lol. I think that I’m just tired of being with men who are not willing to commit you know? And so if I meet someone who I’m convinced is serious enough, I’ll let it go. In any case, I’m really scared of ending up with a man with whom I have no sexual chemistry, or there’s some problem sexually you know? I just don’t know if I can trust to marry a man when I don’t know how the sexual relationship will play out. It breaks my heart because so far as my faith is concerned, I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do but I really don’t know if I can marry a man when I have zero knowledge about how he is in the bedroom. But for now, I’m celibate 🙂

  • hmmm….those of us wif less ‘packages r really suffering oo…we hv all the muvs yet after driving u beyond the limit all we get is ‘it still wasnt enaf to fit in’….nsem pii…wish u all the best Ekuba

    • lol @ Solja boy: size is relative. what may seem small to you may seem huge to your partner or ‘just good enough’ to her so no stress 🙂 & just so you know, the most horrible sex I’ve every had is with the ‘biggest’ guy I’ve ever been with in terms of dick size. He was totally clueless what to do with it. The best sex has been with a very very average guy. The only reason why I was offended with the ‘small’ guy I mentioned in my comment was because he was reluctant to do anything in the bedroom & practically wanted to do only missionary or for me to blow him (but not vice versa). so you get the idea why I was pissed off with him.

  • I felt the same way!! Sex was boring, I realized I was just doing it and it didn’t hold any special meaning for me anymore. ( I also prayed on Sunday for Saturday nights sins…lol) all my friends thought I was crazy when I decided to become celibate . It’s been 2 years and I’m glad I made the choice.

    • yayie! Glad to hear that @ Me, myself & I. Today’s my 1 month celiversary (lol, check the date I wrote the article) & I can tell you for a fact that 1 month without sex is no joke! lol. So you should be proud of yourself for being able to stick it out 2 whole years. & I hope eventually, you do meet that special someone who’ll make sex ‘exciting & meaningful’ to you again.

  • @Ekuba @Abena Don’t you think even when one married partner is poor in bed, with time the couple can explore each other’s body to know how to please eachother? That’s the beauty of marriage o – to explore each other. Also there are various sex positions for married couples who find their penis and vagina size unpleasurable. Can’t that be employed?

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