Ask Adventures: How can I approach women?

Photo Credit: Siphumeze Khundayi

Jack wrote:

hi Nana. Got  some problem that i would like to seek your help and the blog
readers help though mask my identity. So am 20 n my problem is in approaching
women for  relationships. i have the courage to approach women but the problem
comes in the conversation part. I am not sure of which are the best topics to
discuss or how to drop relationship hints. So when a man approaches you, what
qualities in him make you want to be in a relationship with him? How do you
expect him to tell you about it? Do you prefer him  telling you on  the  first
day you meet  or later after creating rapport? Lastly which topics are the best
to  discuss on the first encounter and which are a no no no? All useful answers
and info will be appreciated.

Hi Jack,

Sometimes I feel sorry for men, and this is one of those rare occasions when I think, “Awww. Bless”.

The idea that the man should always be the one to ‘approach’ a woman is one that I think can be stressful for a lot of adolescent and young men especially because this means opening yourself up to rejection, and sometimes repeated rejection. I do have a couple of questions though. Why do you wish to be in a relationship? I don’t believe hitting a particular age means you should automatically start thinking, “well its time I found myself a woman”.

So to the crux of your query. How do you start a conversation with a woman? Well this is almost an impossible question for me to answer. It depends on the context in which you meet the woman. If I was sitting next to someone at a concert for e.g. and I found the person attractive, at the end of the concert or during a break I might say something along the lines of, “Wow Efya is a really talented singer, what do you think of her music?” The tip in trying to start a conversation is to ask a question which will lead the respondent to answer with more than yes or no.

Dropping relationship hints. That can never be a conversation starter unless you are literally looking to have a very short term relationship with that person ie a one night stand in which the question, “I really fancy you. Do you want to take this party elsewhere” might result in the person laughing at you, walking off, or going elsewhere with you. But from the bulk of your query I don’t think this is the kind of relationship you are looking for so just focus on getting to meet and become friends with women without making a relationship your end goal.

What qualities make me want to be in a relationship with a man? Me personally? Me, Nana Darkoa? Ei. This is a huge question. I am laughing right now because I am so not the right person to direct what should be such a simple question to. Hmmm, well if I was looking for a long term committed relationship I would be looking for a feminist/at a minimum socially conscious individual who is entrepreneurial/already where he wants to be in career. Oh and throw in good looking with a bias towards dread loc’d brothers. If this was going to be a short/casual relationship we can skip all that and stick to good looking, nice body and amazing in the sack.  No virgins need apply.

And yes if someone wants to be in a relationship with me I prefer to be told directly. I don’t like guessing games although I recognise that can be part of the dating and flirting game.

Absolute no nos for my first date conversations? Funny enough I don’t really like talking about writing a sex blog, and why I do it. I think I’m just bored with answering that question.

So fellow Adventurers I don’t know how helpful I have been to Jack. Jump in and give the brother some advice.


Photography by Kwaku David
Photography by Kwaku David

13 comments On Ask Adventures: How can I approach women?

  • Jack,

    So when a man approaches you, what qualities in him make you want to be in a relationship with him?

    -When a man first APPROACHES , I am not thinking anything along the lines of a relationship or establishing. If anything, I’m sizing him up and wondering what he wants. Qualities differ from woman to woman. Some are interested in men that are focused, ambitious, others that are humorous, jovial, others are looking for a man that can provide. Ultimately, I think that women who are genuinely interested in a relationship look for somebody to compliment them.

    How do you expect him to tell you about it?
    I expect him to be straightforward. I’m impatient and not a mind reader. So speak your mind clearly and early.

    Do you prefer him telling you on the first day you meet or later after creating rapport?
    It is all up to him. He can make known his intentions on the first day or after we’ve created rapport. Generally speaking, do it very early. I don’t do, months long courtships. We are not in the Victorian era.

    Lastly which topics are the best to discuss on the first encounter and which are a no no no?

    There is nothing like the ‘best’ topic to discuss. I would advise you to take note of the environment/surroundings you are in when you spot that honey you want to talk to. This then makes it very easy to strike up conversation. As Nana mentioned, if say you are at a concert, it would be easy for you to strike up a conversation regarding the performance/musician/music in general, as opposed to something like politics. Of importance, well at least to me, is just be yourself. There is nothing as off putting as a man trying to holla, and talking about things that clearly are out of his scope of academia, knowledge, etc. KISS (Keep it Simple Stupid) the conversation.

    All the best.

  • Oh Jack! How sweet! I only have one tip:

    Be attentive.

    I was in the grocery store just 2 days ago wearing jeggings and a sweater in the meat aisle, searching for hotdogs. Suddenly, someone approached me from THE LEFT. It was man. He told me that he saw me and “couldn’t stop smiling”. “Why?” I asked him, amused. “Well because you are so beautiful!”

    Then he asked me if I was married. This told me two things: He wasn’t smiling because I was beautiful, he was smiling because he was looking at my ass… and because he was looking at my ASS he could not tell that I had a wedding ring on my finger – which, incidentally, is on the same side he approached me from.

    Women don’t like to be feel like they are objects, even if we KNOW that that’s how men perceive us. Notice something about the woman and be able to approach the conversation from that angle. Be witty, damn it! Tell her the design of her shoes reminds you of this cave you went exploring in whilst on holiday in Argentina. That’ll get her attention real quick. Women love shoes and travel!

  • You are still very young, but it’s never too early to learn how to be a gentleman. It seems like you have good self-esteem and perhaps is the selection of women that is preventing you from maintaining the flow. I have realized from speaking to many Ghanaian men that they have certain criteria when trying to date a woman and most of the qualities they are looking for are very superficial and unrealistic.

    Once you mustard the guts to speak to a woman, the next thing is to introduce yourself. You should ask only open questions that allows her to answer back ex: Why are you studying biology? (she will elaborate vs Are you studying biology? Answer will be Yes and the conversation is dead.

    Refrain from asking personal questions and be yourself at all times. Don’t chew more than you can swallow. If the woman is not into you she will give you hints and you should drop it. Don’t be so forceful and aggressive like so many men are in this country. Women like pursuits, not harassment.

    Btw…you have plenty of life experiences that will teach you the hard knocks of dating, take it easy on yourself.

  • Jack, I approach women by just being friendly 🙂 What works for me is that if I think too much about how badly, I want to date the etc. I get too nervous to make meaningful conversation. But if I approach them the same way I would approach someone I wanted to be my friend, then I’m more confident & comfortable & we can establish a bond. Afterall isn’t a deep nurtured friendship at the heart of every good relationship? That having been said, I generally don’t wait too long before I propose once I know that I’ve fallen in love with the woman. The longer you wait, the more you are banished into the ‘friendship zone’ forever lol. But I think if it’s too soon too, the lady might feel that you don’t really love her & just want to sleep with her etc. In my estimation, if it’s someone that I’m chatting to regularly, communicating with & I’m sure that they’re not dating anyone else (cos i try not to be a ‘home wrecker’ lol) etc. then I would pop the question anywhere from a couple of weeks to one month 😉

  • thanks for the advices. Let me put them into practise. I promise to share my succes tales….. Ps. Am not from Ghana but another african country

    • Sorry for assuming that you are from Ghana and it’s great that other countries are participating. Maybe someone else from here can benefit from your question as well. Just be yourself, live, love and laugh.

  • Well Jack, I guess you’ve figured out from all the responses above why men of all ages are still trying to figure out how to approach and live with women. You can never go in with a plan, just be yourself and keep it simple. All of the advice above are very ideal and great but be realistic. Don’t pretend to be anything that you are not including a gentleman.

  • For me what has worked is to genuinely show interest. every human being likes to know that you show interest in what he or she does.Also know that when you approach she will either embrace or reject your moves, don’t take that personally, it is not the end of the world.Look at it this way if she departed this world for some reason won’t you go on to love some other woman? Be yourself and enjoy the relationship.If it ends in marriage, that is great and worthy, if it doesn’t work out, relish the experience and use its lessons to make the next relationship that comes up a better one.

  • I have come to read and love most of the comments pasted by both the Admin and members of this page. I say thank you and I jealous Jack cos advices like this are hard to find xpecially when its coming from a female perspective…..its worth it.

    however let me also ask about how to keep the relationship or friendship goin. I am not too good at making approches but I make them when I want to. the problem is what next afta I have picked the ladys contact. what and what to do to keep the friendship or relationship going is the problem. I am that straight forward and expressive person. yea. I love to express myself a lot but don’t seem to get ladies who are expressive as I am.. what I will easily say might be difficult for some ladies to say or accept. Don’t know but hv tried just friendship away from relationship ba it doesn’t seem to work. any advice..
    ….also…does I LOVE U always mean I WANT TO MARRY U, and why are most Ghanaian ladies all about marriage first b4 relationship. thank You .

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