Guest Post from Spiritual: Letter to My Unborn Son

My Son,

Before you start getting those random
erections, before you start feeling those
butterflies, here’s a quick lesson for you. Learn more on your own for no one
ever succeeds on what he’s taught alone.

Pay attention:

One: Get condoms, unless you both trust
each other, not just for pregnancy but for
STDs. Be sure to keep them with you all the
time, and use them before you are asked
to. Use them every time. The peace of
mind you allow your partner will free her
to be vulnerable with you, and that, my
son, is exactly what sex or lovemaking
(whichever one you choose to call it)
is about.
Condoms are actually sexy. In fact, you can
call buying condoms foreplay (I’m sure
you’ve already heard by now that if you
are too embarrassed to buy condoms,
then you are not ready to have sex. Let that
sink in. )

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend
a lot of time making out on the couch or
wherever fully clothed. Believe me,
humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s
more about emotion. Stop trying to find
her clitoris and find her heart. Because
when you do, she’ll help you find her
clitoris and believe me, its an awesome
journey downtown.

Four: If you really want to know how to
please a woman,ask her how she
masturbates. Then do that. A lot. As much
as you both can afford . If she claims she
doesn’t masturbate like she may, offer to
take her shopping for a vibrator so you can
both learn the vocabulary and the diction
of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butt hole
you wouldn’t want in your own (If you
must,try a pinky finger, it’s kinda
awesome).

Six: When you go down on her—and you
will sure go down on her a lot, and if you
are my son, you will be pretty good at it—
tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the
middle and kiss her deeply so you both
share her juice and she’ll know how good
she tastes. Do the same when she goes
down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield
over 1,200 euphemisms and connotations
for male masturbation, yet only a
whooping less than 60 for female
masturbation. So I figure if guys spent
less time jacking off and more time jilling
off, this world would be a pretty happier
place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about
the importance of the clitoris is in the
movie Titanic. She is the Titanic and her
clitoris is the iceberg .
Remember: The Ship in all its gait was sunk
by a certain amount of contact with a
certain little amount of iceberg .

Nine: Just because you cum doesn’t mean
she has, in fact , don’t you dare cum before
she does. Focus completely on your
partner. Don’t ever worry about getting
yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours,
one way or the other. Your duty is to make
sure she’s getting hers, as often as she
wants.

Ten: Don’t neglect the changes in her
moans and groans as they are cues to
what and how what you’re doing is working
for her.

Eleven: If sex with your partner doesn’t last
longer than this letter, then I’m afraid you
are not making love, you are masturbating
with her body instead of your hand. A big
shame on you.

Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of
learning to do.

— Love, Spiritual

sorry Dad