I met the man who would eventually become my husband when I was 24 and when I had a strict “no more than 5 years older” policy when it came to dating. I turn 40 this year. *Brian is 48. I made an exception because Black don’t crack and at 32 he didn’t “look his age”. We got married two years into our relationship and have three beautiful kids. We have the perfect family.
People are always telling us how lucky we are. To the outside world, we are not problematic. We both have good jobs, we treat each other with respect and we try to be supportive of each other’s dreams. The world inside of our bedroom is a different story. It’s a chaotic, dark, frustrating place. I often go to bed fighting back tears and wake up with a headache from the exertion from trying not to cry. The problems began a year ago, from my mark.
Even when we were dating, sex with Brian was never wild. It wasn’t something I was eager about or insatiable for. I would describe our lovemaking as “pleasant”. We had foreplay, I came, he came, we went to sleep. The format hasn’t changed in 16 years.
What has changed is his dick. It either won’t get hard – or when it does, won’t stay hard – and I’m losing my mind.
Brian has usually the one to initiate sex, something I attribute to my conservative upbringing. While I love, love, love having sex, I’m still not confident enough to bring it up first. In 2019, my husband confided that it bothered him that while he appreciates that I indulge in the act, I rarely initiate our lovemaking and asked if I would be more conscious of making a demand first once in a while. It would make him feel more “wanted”. I pushed past the discomfort and made deliberate efforts to get hot in the sheets – again with the same format, and new results. As in, he can’t keep it up.
As I write this, I struggle to find the words to explain how embarrassing sex has become for me. I have never felt so undesirable in my life. I straddle my husband and his dick is cotton soft. I give him hand jobs with no reaction. Last night I sucked him off until my jaw went numb and his cock actually shrank. It retreated. Turned into a cremini mushroom in my mouth.
I don’t know what to do or what to think. Is he gay? Is he sick? Is he thinking of another woman? I never imagined I’d ever be in this position and I don’t know who to ask for advice or what to do. Like I said, we are the “perfect” couple, and I admit that a part of me doesn’t want that perception shattered. It’s shallow, and I know it. I want Brian to be the one to open up and lead this conversation, but he refuses to even acknowledge that there is a problem. His resolution is to give me oral until I climax and then roll over to play Tetris on his iPhone when he thinks I’ve gone to sleep.
I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I feel so alone. Can anyone else relate?
5 comments On My Husband’s Soft Dick Makes Me Feel Unsexy – by Splenda
From someone who dated – albeit briefly – a man who had ED, this feels eerily familiar. Initially, the hot foreplay and good oral game (he always made sure I came) was enough. But after a while we tried penetration and I noticed that he wasn’t getting hard or was losing his hardon and I brought it up. He blamed work/life-related stress and new relationship anxiety. I dropped the issue and decided to go with the flow (I was content with other aspects of our relationship), but noticed that he’d sometimes get defensive e.g. randomly grabbing my hand and placing it on his penis and saying: “see, I can get hard!” He was also clearly in denial (“I don’t have ED!”).
I empathised but there isn’t much a woman can do in such a situation besides being sensitive and being open to having a difficult conversation. But of course the man has to be willing to put his ego aside and call a spade a spade (or in this case, a soft dick). Only way solutions can be found- and perhaps a more satisfying sex life can be had.
All this to say, it’s not your fault your husband can’t get hard. It has nothing to do with your desirability or who you are as a woman. It could be he’s struggling with stress or pressure or anxiety…or perhaps sexual preferences that he’s not willing to be honest with you (maybe even himself) about. It could be a combination of factors including physical and mental health
On a different note, there’s a certain confidence and empowerment that comes with going after what you want, in and out of the bedroom. Try it ?
Hi Splenda,
I can relate. I’ve had various ‘entanglements’ with a few men who struggle to get hard or stay hard and so I know how difficult it can be. What i do not know /have not experienced is being in a long term relationship with someone who has ED and so that particular long term frustration i cannot imagine. If you can afford to I’ll recommend getting some professional help to deal with this. And I mean initially for you as an individual first and foremost. Your husband’s ED has absolutely nothing to do with you and so what I’ll recommend you work on with a professional is affirming your own sense of worth and desirability. I feel that once you’ve done that you’ll be in a stronger position to decide how to deal with the ED situation. You have many options which can include addressing the issue directly with your husband and asking him to seek professional help, negotiating an open marriage so you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere, etc etc. I wish you all the best and would love to know how you get on
Dear Splenda,
I am writing from the point of view of a man. The problem is not yours. So take that off the table. Everyman at a certain age, begins to experience ED. I has to do with the prostrate gland. Once a man is over 45, it will begin to manifest and as he gets close to 50 the symptoms manifest as ED. From my experience, his prostrate gland has expanded and is not allowing enough blood to flow down into the penis. All he needs to do now is seek medical attention. And a professional doctor will be in a position to advise. Once again, please note that the problem is not from your end.
I am sorry to hear about your suffering. He might actually have a medical issue. Can you convince him to visit a doc for an evaluation. Obviously that would require you to share something with him which might not be well-received. Another option is rolling the dice and convince him to take a blue pill.
Consider any meds that he may be taking!! That was a big problem for me! Once I changed or dropped the meds that screwed me up.. literally, I was FINE. In fact, I usually outlast my wife. That’s new too 🙂 So yes, NOT ALL is ED… there ARE meds that are approved by FDA & pushed by big Pharma to screw people up!!