The Problem With Being A Demisexual Who Never Catches Feelings

Not everyone is into casual sex. Some people prefer to have some emotional or romantic connection with someone before they can engage in physical intimacy. However, a demisexual needs to have a strong emotional connection with another person before feeling sexually attracted to them.

Being a demisexual means that I don’t feel primary attraction to anyone unless I’ve bonded with them emotionally. This means that I don’t see a hot guy and feel a tingling in my core and imagine what it would be like to get naked and sweaty with him. In fact, I never look at a stranger and think of sex. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate eye candy as much as the next girl and have been known to ogle a particularly fine specimen of man flesh occasionally (respectfully, of course, ?), but my interest usually ends at enjoying the sensory pleasure of sight. I can only feel the desire to be sexually intimate when I have developed deep emotional feelings for someone. This also means that I hate getting touched by strangers at a party, and although I find it very interesting, I can’t relate to hook-up culture. 

Now, being a demisexual wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that I hardly ever catch feelings to begin with. And no feelings mean no sexual feelings toward anyone which also means an almost non-existent sex life. In my whole life of thirty-one years, I have only caught deep feelings for two men. Do you now understand how serious my situation is?

For a long time, I was confused about my sexual orientation and wondered if I was asexual. It was only last year while I was researching the different forms of sexuality that I stumbled on demisexuality. Putting a name to what I was experiencing almost made me cry in relief. I felt seen and understood because there were times when I felt that there could be something wrong with me.

Sexually, I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in the university, and it wasn’t for lack of interest from guys. I just wasn’t particularly interested in being intimate. This was ironic because I started reading romance books at the age of about thirteen or fourteen, which means that I was exposed to detailed intimacy and sex scenes early. While reading those scenes interested me, I did not feel like trying it out with anyone. 

In high school, my friends would recount tales of their intimacies with guys, and while the stories fascinated me, I couldn’t relate to how they felt with those boys. The good thing was that although I didn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in sex at the time, I wasn’t impressionable, so I didn’t feel pressured to do anything I wasn’t ready for. 

When I got into the university, I finally caught feelings. (Hallelujah!) 

At the time, I didn’t realise that the reason I was suddenly interested in kissing and intimacy was that I was emotionally attached to that fine boy. Things didn’t work out with him, but it was fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, my sexual attraction disappeared when I collected my feelings back from him. Still, I didn’t connect my no longer being sexually attracted to him to my disappeared feelings. 

Not having a deep emotional connection with anyone else for the rest of my university days meant a lot of suitors but no intimacy. I was just not interested. I stopped going out on dates because it was too much trouble. Not being able to experience initial sexual chemistry made it hard to navigate the dating field. How do you explain to a new interest that, “I’m not sexually attracted to you now. But maybe, just maybe, I will catch feelings for you, and then I will suddenly find you sexually attractive and possibly be interested in sex.”? 

Not only do you risk making your potential partner feel undesirable, but trying to communicate to them the truth about your sexuality can be met with confusion and skepticism. And because I don’t often get deeply emotionally attached, asking a potential partner to stay around is a huge risk. My track record means that there is a higher chance that I will never catch those feelings, which means that I would have wasted the poor guy’s time.

Too many people do not know about demisexuality or understand what it means to be demisexual. The inability to have casual sex is often interpreted as being prudish, sexually repressed, traditional, playing hard to get, or religious. 

The initial stages of dating, where there is an expectation of immediate romantic or sexual interest are the most challenging. This can lead to demisexuals feeling anxious, or inadequate, as we require more time to develop a strong emotional bond before feeling sexual attraction.

For me, my inability to easily catch feelings can make for a boring romantic, and non-existent sex life. For other demisexuals, the need for an emotional connection before being able to engage in enjoyable sexual activities can cause heightened emotional vulnerability and make them more susceptible to emotional investment, leading to higher emotional stakes in relationships. 

Another challenge that many demisexuals face is the pressure to conform and pretend sexual attraction with a potential partner even though they’re not into it. 

Explaining your orientation may be difficult, and not all potential partners will have the understanding or patience to wait, but it is important to communicate your orientation clearly and understand that the right partner will see giving your potential relationship a chance as a worthy endeavour. 

Demisexuals may seem like a lot of work initially, but trust me, we’re emotionally and sexually worth it once we form a deep connection with you. 

Here are a few things to keep in mind about demisexuality:

  1. A demisexual’s relationships usually start as friendships. (I firmly believe that we’re the inspiration for the friends-to-lovers trope)
  2. A demisexual would typically only feel sexual attraction towards their partner. (Congratulations if you have a demi partner, chances are you’ll never get cheated on)
  3. A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone. (Honestly, you should feel doubly flattered if we’re hot for you. The feelings are deep.)
  4. Demisexuals aren’t resisting the urge for sexual attraction – those feelings honestly don’t exist for them initially. (Trust me, until those pesky emotional bonds form, it’s just not there.)
  5. Demisexuality is regarded as a type of grey asexuality since it is considered the halfway point between sexuality and asexuality. (I don’t know about you, but this looks like the best of both worlds.)
  6. Demisexuals can be straight, gay, or bisexual. (We’re very inclusive. No discrimination over here.)

It has been a while since I felt deliciously attracted to anyone, and frankly, I miss that feeling sometimes. So, in 2024, I’m opening myself up to catching feelings and forming a deep emotional bond with someone. Please wish me luck, ladies, because the resurrection of my dormant sex life greatly depends on it.

Side note – I don’t know about other demisexuals out there, but my personal demi anthem is Sometimes by Britney Spears. What’s yours?

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