On Painful, Non-productive, Loop-like Relationships: A Lesbian’s Rant

Illustrated by Mawena Ahento

Written by Ayanlowo Eniiyi

I am a Lesbian. Of course I’ve loved a woman with soulful devotion only to have it end tragically in a month or two.

Let’s start with a bit of honesty, shall we?

When I first had the idea for this piece, I was just recovering from my first lesbian breakup (you know that canon event that leaves you never quite the same?) I was frustrated, hurt, and angry about how short-term lesbian relationships seem to be. I turned to my favorite lesbian shows for comfort and it was the same thing all over again; Woman/NB meets Woman/NB, they fall in love, are in each other’s skin for a couple of months, then some minute complications arise and before you know it, these two individuals that believed they were soulmates are splitting up. When you watch The L Word for instance, (real ones know that this is the must-see lesbian show and the 101 guide on everything you need to know about lesbian drama) messy relationships are abundant. Couples cheated on each other and kept shameful secrets, and no character was allowed to have their perfect ending without something going wrong. Even, the ‘IT Couple’, Bette and Tina were toxic together and went through several breakups before having their happily ever after in the Generation Q series. 

The same situation happened with the Kat/Adeena-ship in the Bold Type series. Their sizzling chemistry had me blushing, giggling, and kicking my feet. They were so sweet and truly in love but of course that all ended because of issues like immaturity, timing, and the ever-present commitment issues. In Orange Is The New Black, Piper and Alex are mostly an On-Again, Off-Again couple, and Emma and Nico in Vida are ready to take their budding relationship to the next level when it comes out that Nico is still technically married and living in her ex’s apartment (What is it with lesbians and still desperately clinging to some part of their ex’s by the way?). With all of this, I believed at that time, rather dramatically, that there was a lesbian curse; the curse of falling deeply for a woman only to have it end in a month or two. 

Let’s talk about my lesbian relationship for a bit though. I posted a funny TikTok video on my IG story and this gorgeous person with the prettiest locs replied to that post with laughing emojis and a follow-up comment. Honestly, I could not believe they were in my DMs. We had been following each other for a long time and while they were the kind of person I outrightly found attractive, I had been too shy to text and start up something. I don’t know how, but somehow that conversation continued for days and barely two weeks later, they were traveling 85 miles to my city for a weekend visit (Yes, I am well aware of how familiar my story sounds, thank you very much). Now, I am an extremely introverted person and not the best conversationalist and I was kind of worried that the chemistry we had online would vanish in real life. Surprisingly, everything went well with only a few awkward moments. Barely two hours after they arrived at my place, we were already having sex (pardon the cliche, but it was the most amazing sexual encounter of my life and still is) and then they became my partner. 

I was so in limerence with them, it felt like they were made specifically for me but just one month after we started our whirlwind romance, they broke up with me after giving me some very vague explanations. It was a lot for me because aside from the romantic stuff, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I’d be telling them about the most random things about my day and all of a sudden, I didn’t have that anymore. Like a typical lesbian, I tried to stay friends with them but I guess I just couldn’t handle a platonic relationship with them. I got too obsessive at some point and everything became too messy and we had to go no contact.

Time does heal all wounds because I am five months post-breakup and do not necessarily believe in the lesbian curse anymore. What I do believe is that lesbian relationships are just like any other relationship, and it’s not fair to say they don’t last long just because it’s lesbians involved. I now believe that the individuals involved and their unique dynamics heavily affect any relationship’s lifespan. There’s also the fact that external factors such as the homophobic environment that we live in and societal pressures can cause some strain on the relationship. While I now understand that lesbian relationships can be complicated by pressures and other issues, and to just enjoy it however long it may last, I will be taking some precautions for next time because ain’t no reason why I should be sobbing two hours a night over a relationship that lasted only one month! I will be spending more time getting to know my next lover and maybe working on communicating better, and fingers crossed I get my emotionally available long-term partner this year.

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