I met a lunar goddess this week. One of those “wow I can’t believe she’s into me” unbelievably gorgeous types. She presents quite masculine but doesn’t identify as a stud. She’s sexy as hell – boyish on the outside, and soft and gentle on the inside (just my type).
And she’s shy, god she’s shy. Like “can’t make eye contact and can barely string words together when I’m around you” type of shy. For some reason, as an extrovert, I often seem to attract these types of girls, a trend I’m quite weary of.
Which brings me to Lunar; a goddess of her stature, she gets a lot of attention from men and women alike. So much so that she made up a fake girlfriend story that she tells to all her suitors in order to ward them off, and that’s how we met.
I first saw her at a feminist meeting and thought to myself “damn, who’s this???” She was dressed in an orange shirt, a brown bomber jacket and some black tight pants that were all well color coordinated and made her look all irresistible; a well-dressed, soft masculine type. I found her very attractive, but immediately assumed she was out of my league and probably taken, so I didn’t pay her any attention.
Little did I know that she had also noticed me at that same meeting. She later told me she loved my glittery makeup, my eyes and my confidence when I spoke. At some point I (unconsciously) moved to sit behind her and she told me she’d noticed that, and even texted with her friend about how they like my style and politics.
The sheer excitement and feeling of having your crush like you back; it is nothing short of a miracle.
Fast forward to a week or two later and we happened to meet again at another feminist training. This one was a week long and residential (wink wink). Lunar was a facilitator and I a participant, and once again when I saw her I thought she was incredibly hot and totally, totally out of my reach (the whole facilitator-participant power dynamic didn’t help either).
On the first day, I was scouting the room for potential people I could vibe with, being a lovergirl and all. Lunar was certainly my first option, but I resigned myself to the idea that she was out of reach and started making friends with the other participants. I fully immersed myself in the program, and only allowed myself an occasional side glance at the goddess in the corner.
On the third day or so, I was triggered from one of the sessions and stepped out of the room to cry. Lo and behold, Lunar herself came out to comfort me and did a really good job at it. She gave me space, allowed me to feel my emotions, validated my feelings, and didn’t try to rush me back into a state of wellness.
“Do you smoke weed?” she asked. I was surprised. I wouldn’t have pictured her as a stoner and we were in her working space at the moment.
“Yeah,” I shakily replied through my tears, “everyone needs vices don’t they?”
She giggled. “Well, I can smoke you out after this. And we can take a walk on the beach or something if you want.”
My heart skipped. I was so happy at this offer. It seemed very friendly, and I wasn’t sure if this was her trying to be a good facilitator or reaching out and trying to flirt.
“Yeah I’d love to,” I replied, my tears and reasons to cry quickly subsiding.
“Great, I’ll see you after this. Take some deep breaths and rejoin us whenever you feel ready.”
I nodded in gratitude and took my first deep breath. “Okay. Thanks for being so understanding. And I really like your t-shirt btw,” I (sincerely) added, just to let her know I was also feeling her vibe in case she was feeling mine.
I honestly thought my tears and outburst had written me off in her books already. Growing up, emotions were consistently shamed and viewed as a sign of weakness. While I never conformed to that belief, I still internalize shards of it especially when dealing with new people. I was surprised when later she followed up and still wanted to hang out and invited me to her room.
Her room!! I knew now that this was definitely above and beyond her duties as a facilitator. Honestly, I felt like I was in there.
I took a thorough shower and changed into a casual but lowkey sexy outfit; some sports shorts, a bandeau bra, and a patterned shirt on top – a half-hearted attempt at decency.
On the walk from my room to hers, I was buzzing with both excitement and questions –
“What was going to happen? Did she really like me? (no wayyy). Should I walk in and just kiss her? What’s she like?”
I reached her door and paused for several breaths and fidgety foot movements. I hardly ever get nervous but in this scenario I really was. I really liked this girl and didn’t know what to expect, but soon all my questions were answered.
She opened the door and ushered me in. I immediately sensed that kissing her immediately was off the table. She was fully dressed and her room was in perfect order. She led the way and welcomed me to sit on one of her chairs or the balcony.
True to her word, she pulled out a joint and a lighter and offered me some. Honestly, I was disappointed. I personally hadn’t actually come here to get high, and didn’t especially want to.
Being one of the workshop facilitators, she was busy on her phone replying to people and taking care of things. She did join me for a smoke as I desperately tried to make conversation – an energy that was barely returned. Turns out Lunar is a very private person and extremely shy, so the dialogue was mostly a QnA where most of my questions went unanswered.
I asked her if she’s queer – yes, a full fledged gold star lesbian.
Had she come out to her family – by accident, but yes. And they’re very supportive (lucky).
Finally, I asked the question that I deemed to be the most important, with everything in me praying for a negative answer.
“Do you have a partner?”
Yes.
(fuck)
I wanted to leave at that moment and go nurse my heartbreak in my room. Why had she invited me to her room if she has a partner? So she really was just being nice all along?
“How long have you been together” – 3 years.
(damn)
“Do you believe in soulmates? Would you consider her to be your soulmate? Or at least one of them?” – yes, definitely one of them.
Well, I knew I had reached the end of the road at this point. She refused to tell me the name of her partner or divulge any further details and eventually called it a night as she still had work to do.
I walked back to my room offended and confused and cursing myself for misreading what I’d thought were signs. Being the weak warrior I am, I posted a self-pitying message on my Instagram close friends list and went to bed, wondering why I have such poor luck in love.
Funnily enough, the next day after we’d finished our program and were back in our rooms, she sent me her IG handle and started up a new conversation on Whatsapp. I had already given up on the prospect and was force-starting the process of emotionally letting go, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her. We ended up texting for hours, sending each other pictures and talking about my hometown which she’d coincidentally visited. The energy was present and quite flirty, and I was very into her so I took my chances and asked her if by any chance she and her partner were open.
“Yes,” she replied. “Not open but we do allow ourselves to have fun every once in a while.”
Well damn! Why didn’t you say something earlier, Lunar?
She also told me her detached energy from the night before was because she feels shy and unable to communicate well (this would later become a problem) around people she likes, and that I should take it as a compliment. Being a fast mover, I asked if I could come to her room that very evening but we both agreed it was late and there was always tomorrow. I went to sleep unbelievably excited that day.
The next day, Lunar was facilitating a session and my dark thoughts were aggressively taking over as she stood in front of us teaching feminist communication. Eventually, the dark thoughts won and I sent her the most risque text I had ever sent someone right before the lunch break.
“Can I eat you out for lunch instead?”
I typed the text and questioned deeply before hitting send. This one was a thin line between sexual excitement and harassment, and I HAD just started talking to this girl. Eventually, I decided that I myself would be happy to receive such a text and hit send. It did not go well.
She didn’t reply and basically avoided me for the rest of the session. When time for lunch came, she asked if we could eat together and told me the message was inappropriate, and definitely sent at the wrong time. I was crushed. I quickly apologized, and walked away from the table to go sit by myself at the beach. Here I was thinking I was being sexy and instead I had made this woman uncomfortable.
I texted her apologizing again, and she said it was perfectly fine and it just threw her off receiving it at that time. This woman was full of mixed messages. I asked if I’d completely blown things and she assured me that I hadn’t, so we made plans to meet in her room that evening again.
Once again, I made the trek across the hotel to go read the vibes of this goddess. This time, I was pretty certain a sexual agenda was on the table and while I wanted more (all) of her, I was grateful that this was at least an option. This time, I thought I might try the ‘open the door and kiss her immediately’ move, but things moved at a much slower pace than that.
Lunar is very shy. Like can barely look me in the eye type of shy. It was a stark contrast from the confident and soft but well-spoken facilitator I had been seeing all week. In the room, we sat on opposite chairs and I had to slowly convince her to come sit next me. She suggested we should just listen to music (we both like r&b) and smoke a little.
I told her I have very good earpods and a Spotify account and I hadn’t come here to listen to music.
“How come you’re so shy?” I asked. “It’s surprising.”
“I think it’s normal to be shy in a situation like this,” she replied.
“Is it?” I asked. By this time we were sitting right next to each other, and I finally leaned in and kissed her.
God, she’s soft. Soft and beautiful and smells nice; addictive. The night progressed in a very beautiful and exciting way, and I have to say I was not at all disappointed.
At the end of the night as we were cuddling, I asked her again if her girlfriend was really okay with all this.
“Yeah she is. We talked about it. I also have another lover who I’m meeting next weekend so she’s used to this.”
Well damn. Little did I know I was entering not just a love triangle but a cube. She told me she had also slept with another participant at one of the previous workshops and honestly at this point I was pretty turned off. I felt very un-special and a little bit played, especially with her revealing this only after we’d had sex. What I thought was between me and her turned out to be between me, her, her girlfriend and her lover.
As I expressed my distaste at the whole situation, she hugged me and said, “If it makes you feel any better, I also want this in a deeper way.” That statement would come to annoy and haunt me later, when I found out the deeper truth of the situation.
The next morning, immediately I woke up I grabbed my things and prepared to do my walk of shame back to my room. I told her I was not interested in being added to the roster of lovers and I actually liked her more deeply and sincerely than just the sexual experience. After a lot of pleading and back and forth where I remained steadfast, I left back to my room to process all that had happened. It seemed like every time I left my space to go explore romantic connections I came back heartbroken.
Still upset at my sudden departure, she texted me apologizing for making me feel unspecial and confessed that every story she’d told me had been a lie. There was no girlfriend, no hookup, no three-year relationship. Only occasional friends with benefits and that’s it.
My entire body froze when I read those messages. I didn’t know what to believe at all, and couldn’t tell if she was lying to me now. I felt like I had been fooled, and slept with under false pretenses. It was a massive betrayal, and though a piece of me was still happy to hear she was single, I didn’t know how to react.
(to be continued)
