Emotional Incest: No Sex Involved, But Are You Treating Your Child Like A Partner?

“Hi, mamas! What do you do when your beautiful baby boy (only 19) wants to start dating? I was his first love and I just can’t imagine another girl. It’s hard.”

Most people can immediately see that there is something wrong with the statement above, which a mom posted in an online mom group hoping for sympathy and understanding because she thought it was perfectly normal to be that emotionally attached to her son. In fact, when other moms tried to draw her attention to how problematic the statement was, she became very defensive, claiming that her son was her best friend and that the other moms were jealous they didn’t share that kind of beautiful relationship with their sons. It was obvious that this mom loved her son and did not realize that the relationship she had with him was inappropriate, abusive, and potentially psychologically harmful. This scenario is a classic example of emotional incest.

What is Emotional incest?

Emotional incest, also called covert incest, is an unhealthy relationship between a parent or caregiver and a child where the adult relies on the child to fulfill emotional and practical needs that an adult or romantic partner should meet. 

In a covert incest dynamic, the parent seeks inappropriate emotional support and companionship that blurs the lines between parental and partner roles, creating an unhealthy emotional dependency.

How Emotional Incest Differs from Physical Incest

Unlike sexual incest, which involves inappropriate sexual behavior between a parent and a child, emotional incest does not involve sexual contact. Rather, an emotional burden is placed on the child, who becomes a surrogate partner for their parent. Another difference is that it is often unintentional, as most parents do not realize the emotional burden they are placing on the child. 

What are the Different Types of Emotional Incest? 

Emotional incest can be categorized into three types:

1. Narcissistic Parent

A narcissistic parent seeks constant validation and admiration from their child to fulfill their emotional needs, sometimes at the expense of the child’s emotional well-being. An example is a parent always seeking praise from their child, getting jealous when the child compliments others, or constantly asking their child how they (the parent) compare to others. 

2. Overly Emotional Parent

An overly emotional parent relies on their child to manage their emotional struggles. An example is when a parent often cries in front of their child, unburdening their emotional problems and relying on them to comfort and encourage them. This scenario creates an inappropriate emotional bond that impacts the child’s development and takes a toll on their mental health.

3. Absentee Parent’s Emotional Reliance

In this case, where one parent is emotionally absent, the other may excessively rely on the child by sharing problems they would with a spouse, close friend, or even their parent, expecting the child to respond as an adult would.

Characteristics of an Emotionally Incestuous Relationship

1. Parents: Are you in an Emotionally Incestuous Relationship with your child? 

There is a line between having a close, healthy relationship with your child and being in a covert incest relationship with them. The following signs can help you determine whether or not your relationship is emotional incest.

• Inappropriate Emotional Sharing: Do you treat your child as an emotional confidant? Do you share intimate details about your personal life, relationships, and emotional and financial struggles? If your dynamic with your child is such that you believe you can share anything and everything with them as you would an adult (a partner, close friend, or parent), there is cause for concern.

• Role Reversal: Do you often think your child is surprisingly emotionally mature for their age? Do they rarely lean on you for emotional support but instead are there to always help you with yours? Do they take on responsibilities at home that are typically done by adults? When your child becomes the adult in your relationship, it hinders their childhood experiences and causes them to grow up faster than their age.

• Dependency: Do you rely heavily on your child for emotional comfort and companionship? Do you feel jealous or resentful when they spend time with their friends when you need their company? Do you habitually interrupt their activities to share your problems or spend time with them when you need companionship? Do you constantly tell them how difficult life will be for you if they aren’t there with you and hate the idea of them making new connections? Being dependent on your child that way can cause them to put your needs above theirs, even to their detriment. It also causes them to develop an unhealthy emotional attachment to you, affecting their self-image and relationships with others.

• Lack of Boundaries: Are you very comfortable invading your child’s personal space and privacy by walking into their room without knocking, going through their diaries, and listening to their conversations? Do you also find it difficult to enforce rules and punishments when they do the wrong thing? As a parent, you should be able to create, implement, and teach your child boundaries.

2. Children: Are you a victim of emotional incest? 

Turkish researchers created and published the Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS) in a 2021 study to help assess childhood experiences of emotional incest in adults. The CEIS consists of 12 statements divided into two sections: Surrogate Spouse and Unsatisfactory Childhood. 

It is a self-assessment that can be concluded by marking each item on a scale between 1 (never) and 5 (always).

The first section, Surrogate Spouse, includes 6 statements along these lines:

• When problems or challenges arose, you had to act more maturely than your parent(s).
• You found yourself advising your parent(s) when they had romantic difficulties.
• You found yourself taking sides (or expected to take sides) and defending one of them when your parents argued.
• You had to step in and help them resolve things when your parents argued.
• Your parent(s) turned to you, instead of their partner or another adult, to unburden any feelings of emotional distress.
• Your parent(s) turned to you for comfort and support after an argument or conflict with the other parent.

The second section, Unsatisfactory Childhood, includes 6 statements, which go as follows:

• You took on responsibilities in childhood that weren’t age-appropriate to help maintain family harmony.
• You recognize that you couldn’t fully enjoy your childhood.
• The needs of your parent(s) took priority over your own.
• You envied the relationships your friends had with their parents.
• You realize you had to mature or “grow up” sooner than your peers to support your parent(s) better.
• You had to consider, or even manage, household responsibilities for your parent(s).

Causes of Emotional Incest: What factors contribute to its development?

Several factors can contribute to the development of emotional incest. This includes:

• Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Emotional incest can unintentionally be fostered in families with inadequate boundaries, poor communication, or unresolved conflicts.

• Parental Emotional Needs: Parents who don’t get emotional support from their partners or other adults may unconsciously turn to their children to fulfill these needs.

• Losing a Partner: When a parent loses a partner through divorce, separation, or death, it could cause them to become more dependent on their child.

• Trauma: Parents who have experienced trauma may struggle with forming healthy emotional relationships and may rely on their children for emotional stability.

Demographic and Psychological Traits Susceptible to Emotional Incest

Emotional incest can occur in any family setting. However, they occur more frequently in the following dynamics:

• Dysfunctional Families: In families where parents are often at odds with each other or do not fulfill each other’s emotional needs, one or both parents could lean on the child for emotional support and companionship. They may use the child as a referee during disagreements, a sounding board to complain about each other or pull the child in opposite directions, where they both fight to be the favorite parent.

• Single-Parent Families: The absence of another partner can make single parents more susceptible to forming emotional incest relationships with their children. When there is only one child and the parent lacks adequate adult friendships or connections, they might depend on the child to provide adult companionship and emotional support. In situations with more than one child, the parent may lean heavily on the eldest child to take on those responsibilities and help with the other children as well.

• Isolated Families: Parents who socially isolate themselves from other adults (due to social anxiety or by choice) or live far away from other support systems may depend more on their children for emotional support and companionship. 

• Cultural Factors: Family loyalty and emotional interdependence are highly valued in some cultures. This can create a blurred line between appropriate parent-child dynamics and inappropriate dependency, making emotional incest more common.

What are the Impacts and Consequences of Emotional Incest?

While the effects of covert incest can begin in childhood for some, others only experience the effects when they become adults. Below are some of the impacts covert incest can have on victims.

Emotional and Psychological Impacts

• Identity and Self-Worth Issues: Because children subjected to emotional incest tend to tie their self-worth to their ability to meet their parent’s emotional needs and make them happy, it can cause them to struggle with developing a strong self-identity devoid of their parent’s needs.

• Difficulty Prioritizing Their Needs: Victims of emotional incest become so used to caring for others and putting those needs before theirs that they may have difficulty prioritizing themselves and their needs in the future.

• Mental Health Concerns: Bearing the responsibility of catering to a parent’s emotional needs can be detrimental to a child’s mental health. It can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and other mental health issues.

• Harmful Coping Mechanisms: Mental health struggles as a result of handling adult emotional responsibilities before they mature can cause children to turn to harmful coping mechanisms like eating disorders, substance abuse, and even self-harm.

Relational Impacts

• Boundary Issues: Because they grow up with blurred parental boundaries, victims of emotional incest often find it difficult to recognize, set, or respect personal boundaries, which can affect their relationships with others.

• Relationship Dissatisfaction: Victims of emotional incest may struggle with intimacy. While it may manifest as some victims becoming overly invested in forming emotional attachments, others may reflexively avoid emotional closeness. This can hinder them from developing healthy and satisfying relationships.

• Cycle of Dysfunction: Without intervention, survivors may see the emotional incest they were subjected to as normal and continue the same patterns in their own families, creating a cycle of dysfunction.

How to Deal with Emotional Incest and its Effects 

• Education & Creating Awareness: Since emotional incest is largely unintentional, creating awareness about such harmful family dynamics can help parents recognize when they are treating their children like partners and take steps to correct that. Furthermore, when victims can understand and put a name to their experience and its effects on their lives, they can be empowered to set boundaries, make positive changes, and seek professional help when needed.

• Journaling: Writing about their experiences and feelings can be a cathartic and therapeutic process, which can help victims unburden themselves and set them on the path of healing.

• Establishing Boundaries: Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is an essential step in overcoming the effects of emotional incest. Both the parent and child need to discuss emotional boundaries and stick to them. 

• Support Systems/Groups: Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can be beneficial in the healing process. When victims share their experiences with people who can relate to their situation, it can help them feel understood and validated, which promotes healing.

Parents also need to develop adult relationships and support systems, like friendships, to avoid over-dependency and burdening their children.

• Therapy: Therapists who specialize in child abuse, neglect, and family dynamics can provide targeted support and help both the parent and the child address the emotional damage and create healthy boundaries.

Conclusion

Although emotional incest is usually unintentional, it is a fairly common form of emotional abuse that often goes unnoticed. As a parent, always remember that no matter how mature your child seems, they are not supposed to be your emotional support system or therapist. Unburdening your struggles on them or treating them like a surrogate partner harms their personal growth and can lead to long-term psychological and relational difficulties. Recognizing an emotional incest dynamic is the first step toward breaking the cycle and healing from its effects. Self-awareness, education, and therapy can help parents and victims learn to set healthy boundaries to enable victims to break the cycle and build fulfilling relationships.