Written by Nyambura
My friend fervently writes to me on 20th August:
“OMG babe! I have just met the most interesting man at the Sunset Bar.” She is enjoying her vacation in Zanzibar.
In response, I exclaim happily:
“What!!! Please tell me more!”
I know she had travelled to Zanzibar to enjoy alone time, yet see what fate brings her way – men and all because every once in a while a girl needs to see endless waters, walk along the beach in the sunset, and meet random strange men. And she is so unguarded; the sort of person you meet, and get an urgent need to speak with.
As it happens, he is from Lagos, he is interesting, smart, rich and all those things she is looking for. He’s witty and talks about ways in which he can make her happy in bed, and about all the women he has been with, who have had toe curling orgasms, and keep calling him for more. Apparently, he ignores them because he is looking to be in a meaningful, intentional relationship with a beautiful woman like my friend.
But it ends there. That night, no goodnight kisses. Just a hug in which he presses himself to her. She tells me they talk way into dawn, and speaking for her, I know it’s quite rare to meet such a person. I also know the thrill of meeting an interesting man, indulging them and feeling the fresh rush of energy. After they return to their countries, he continues to text her with flirty messages, and she reciprocates, wishing so much that they were in the same space, wishing that his hands were on her and wishing he was doing all those things he said he would.
On 17th October, he messages her and says he’s in Nairobi. Does she want to meet him?
Definitely.
After their date, she writes to me and says:
“He showed up on Monday. I skipped work and spent the day with him. I had such a good time with him. We’ve graduated to calling each other “babes”. I’m content.”
I am so ecstatic for her, and so I write:
“Oh wow! I am so sure you had a wonderful time. I miss that feeling – the excitement of getting to know someone, the sexual tension, the flirty texts, umph.”
She laughs and says, “he invited me to Lagos. I took him to the airport and went back home. He was obsessed with me, and I enjoy seeing men that way. If he worked here babe I’d have a boyfriend. Let me just ride the wave, enjoy the time spent together and let this lead me where it will. Meanwhile I have two others here in Nairobi. Let me see where they lead. I’m enjoying it so much.”
I laugh and jokingly ask her to give me one.
On 28th May, she sends me a screenshot of their messages. He says he is coming to Nairobi for a conference. She is so excited! This is the date that they can finally ‘do it’!
“Hey babe. Guess who is coming tomorrow? My Nigerian friend. He is coming for a conference here in Nairobi, but I cannot wait to spend some time with him.”
Since I am in a weird non-feeling space, I want to vicariously enjoy sex through her. But I tell her to remember to be safe.
A week later, we are exchanging bitter messages.
“Hey babe. So, I did not update you on this matter. He came, I saw him for one day only. Not a problem for me because he demonstrated time and again how busy he was. At this point his busyness is simply lack of a work-life balance and as someone who has suffered that, I really empathise, but that is where it ends because I don’t teach men stuff. As I’ve been meeting men, I realise that a lot of them come with their culture. Culture and conditioning plays a big role in how a man turns out. It takes a self-aware man to carve out his own path away from those two strong influences.
Anyway, he is a one-minute man. One minute is a long time. He was in, then one two three strokes and he was done. And I can understand. Why not, when he sits down the whole day? Or never really paid attention to female satisfaction?
Anyway, I have moved on. Lord knows bad sex, or let’s be honest, at this point no sex is where it stops for me…”
I see this and think that after all the build-up, tension, excitement, fantasy and all, he was such a disappointment. This is so underwhelming.
So I tell her:
“I read your message yesterday evening and I was so heartbroken and mad. Honestly it even sucks more when you have high expectations, like you did before this guy came around. And the way he talked?! I feel so bad for the women he has been with.
I also hate the fact that he did not satisfy you, and he was so ignorant to not know that he did not satisfy you. Obviously, he doesn’t exercise as much. He doesn’t know anything about making a woman feel her worth. He is so stupid, and he is not worth more of your time.
But it is well. I hope you don’t give him another ounce of your time. Fuck him.”
Is it a thing with men, especially those who talk big, to end up being such a disappointment?
She then tells me: – which is a word.
“Hey babe. I have processed the disappointment with that one. Honestly, the dating process is so dreary. Meeting people worth your time is like finding a needle in a haystack. Which is why I don’t allocate a lot of time to it. Too many variables that are not in my control.
I was so excited. I had a wonderful time with him in Zanzibar. I’ll not forget the Forodhani* activities when we spoke for hours, and he made me feel like I was the only person existing at that time. Such surreal feelings.
I’m heartbroken for people who don’t realise how lacking a balance is harming them. I told him several times and even after he showed up in my house. He told me that he was supposed to work but he felt so tired and decided that the work can fuck off. That should not be the only time you don’t work. That you only take a break when your body forces you to. I realised I need a man who has a balance in his life. Because he is likely to respect my need for a balance as well. People need to realise that on their own and until they do, I have got no business with them.
I also cannot be someone you squeeze into your busy schedule. You can be busy AF but make deliberate time to see me. You also must make an effort to please me. I’m an easy, self-aware lover that someone who doesn’t try is just tossed out. I’ve done so much work on myself that moving on for me is not a big deal.
Anyway, the disappointment aside, we continue doing the things that bring us pleasure.”
Forodhani* is a town in Stonetown, Zanzibar.
