On Female Friendship and Why We Need Each Other

There is a recent trend on TikTok called “That’s My Why”, where creators share the reasons they chose to date, marry, or become friends with someone. It is such a wholesome trend, and in celebration of International Day of Friendship this month, we’ve decided to do something similar. But instead of asking why they became friends with someone, we asked if there was ever a time a female friend showed up for them in a way that they still think about today.

Before we get to their answers, I have to admit something. If you ask me what I know about romantic relationships, I’d probably tell you I have tried and failed at them and that I am still figuring it out. But if you ask me about friendship, especially with women, I’d have a lot more to say. I have friends that I have known for over 16 years who are still my good friends today. I have two female best friends with whom I have learned to be vulnerable. It was with them that I learnt what commitment is. It was with them that I learnt to ask for help, something that doesn’t come naturally to me as a first daughter. It was with them that I learnt that showing up, sometimes, is just about being there. With them, I am okay with making sacrifices. I am okay with making mistakes and learning from them because there is always room for grace. 

As I read through the stories the women shared with me, I realised that some of our deepest expressions of love are found in female friendships. 

Rayo

The only friendship I can remember is that of me and my sister. I call her my sister now, but our relationship started off as friends. Her name is Tomilola. 

We became friends when I was doing computer training. She was always there for me whenever I needed help, either financially or emotionally. But the moment that got me the most was when I wanted to leave my ex-boyfriend, Olumide, because he was abusive. He turned me into a punching bag and would always beat the living daylights out of me. 

He broke my iPhone 7plus into pieces, and he was threatening to release my nudes online. I was still young and naive then. Tomilola was there for me. She called the police and fought for me so that my nudes would not surface. She and her husband came through for me. They even got me a new phone a week later. 

This incident happened in 2020 during the coronavirus pandemic. She still made sure I came back to Ibadan safely from school. I remember I was bruised, and she told me not to come home straight away. She took me to her place, then her husband took me to the hospital before finally dropping me off at home. I will never forget it.

Atinuke

Her name is Zainab. The day my mum died, she heard the news on a Sunday morning while she was in Ondo and within a few minutes, she was right there with me. She followed me to the mortuary and held my hands tight. She knew exactly what I needed because, that day, I felt like I wasn’t in this world. She held me tightly until we got home. 

Then, during the burial, she was the first of all my friends to come to Akure. She stayed with me in my mum’s uncompleted building.  For three days, she was just there. It surprises me to this day because she isn’t even among my top 5 closest friends. We talk maybe once a year, but she was there for me during one of the lowest moments of my life. On the day my mum died, I needed that tight hug and someone to hold my hands, and she was there.

Eunice

All my friends show up in many ways. I can’t pick a particular instance, but there are a few examples.

My friends make space for me in their lives. They make space for me in their homes and involve me in their plans and day-to-day activities. Even my married friends do. It is like they don’t have any filter. My friends also go the extra mile to make me feel special on my birthday, when I’m celebrating a new job or when I need reassurance from them. 

Deborah

So I met Esther during my service year. She knows I do not like washing clothes, and she made it her duty to always wash mine. She is a medical doctor; she can afford to pay someone to do it, and I can also pay someone, but she does it for me anyway. 

She also wakes up early to cook, packs lunch for me, and calls me at work to be sure I’ve eaten. After NYSC, we moved to different cities, but we have been keeping in touch. It has been over a year now, and she still knows my daily schedule.

Precious

When I was serving, I moved to a new place because the relocation I paid for didn’t work and I didn’t know what else to do. I was financially unstable and was searching for a place to stay. 

So I asked my friend, Doyin, for money. My babe sent me money and didn’t ask for it back for a very long time. She made sure I was okay before she collected the money. 

Around my birthday, she also reached out to my other friends and got me an engraved bracelet. She engraved my nickname, and on the back, she put a Spotify code. Whenever I scan it, I get a playlist of love songs from them. That was one of the best things my friends have ever done for me, especially Doyin, because she just wanted to make me happy. Anytime I think about it, I am like, “Yes, Doyin is my soulmate.”

Elizabeth

I have been very lucky to have been helped over the years by several friends, but I remember one who was my cousin. 

In my first year at University, I became stranded because of accommodation issues. I had no money to get a hostel space or a proper place to stay off campus, and I had to leave the house where I had been squatting with some girls.

It was a terrible time, and that was when my cousin stepped in. Luckily, she had a space in her hostel room, and although she was already sharing it with someone else, she still managed to make room for me until the end of the semester, even though it became uncomfortable for her at times. That is one of my fondest memories of her, because I cannot imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t had her at that time. 

Faith 

My two friends took me in when I was stranded. They cannot imagine how much that meant to me. When I am 90 and probably battling dementia, I’ll still remember it. 

After reading these stories, I couldn’t help but think about my own “why” too.

I thought about one of my best friends, who, when I had issues recently and didn’t know how to go about them, came up with a plan for me. She supported the plan financially and cheered me on. She is one of the most optimistic people I know. I also thought about my other best friend, who somehow finds herself behind every birthday photoshoot I have ever done. She swings into action, becomes the creative director without being asked, and makes sure every little detail comes together because she knows how much those moments mean to me. 

That is my own “why”.

For these women, their own “whys” were not about the grand gestures their friend made. They were about the hand that held their grief, a home that welcomed them when they had nowhere else to go, money that was lent without pressure, clothes washed without being asked, and refusing to let them go through life’s hardest moments alone. 

Maybe that is what female friendship is really all about. It is a safe space for women to have conversations without being judged. A space where they are constantly reassured. A space where they can hold each other’s hand, laugh, cry, bond, ask for help, and make mistakes. 

Romantic love may get the songs and the movies. It may be celebrated more often than friendship, but some of the greatest platonic love stories I know began with a woman saying, “I am here for you,” without ever saying the words.