Subtitle: Kgothatso Motshele / Your Pleasure Advocate
Emme here! At various points in my life, I have found myself having trouble with… well… sex. If you’ve never struggled with sex, you are in the minority. For the rest of us, the vast majority of the human world, sex can be difficult sometimes.
It is a normal yet under-discussed part of the human experience to have periods of difficulty finding your orgasm, to struggle with body image and autonomy, and most recently, the desire to hit the sexual reset button. I know my experience is not uncommon so there is help for me and you, who might also struggle with the complicated world of sex and sexuality. In my journey, I’ve found great support from sexual health providers like sex coaches, rope experts, and close friends with loving and magical hands. If you could do with some help, consider this your sign to get it. You deserve pleasure, as much as anybody else.
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Emme: Hey Kgothatso! Tell me, what role do sexologists and sex coaches play in the world of good sex? And what do you offer to your clients?
Your Pleasure Advocate (YPA): I am a certified sex coach and it is quite different to what sexologists offer. Sexologists offer a more clinical and medical approach to assisting people with their sexual health and pleasure concerns. They are able to diagnose people and offer counseling and therapy, linking past events to their patients’ experiences.
While a sex coach also takes into account a client’s past experiences, a sex coach is more invested in supporting people in practical ways in order to help them become the people they want or have the experiences they want as sexual beings.
The sex coaching journey is more personalized, flexible and creative as there are tools and resources we can use in supporting our clients that sexologists are not permitted to use. I can curate somatic experiences for my clients, I can accompany my clients on their dates or sexual adventures if that is the kind of support they need. As a sex coach I am not only restricted to talk-coaching.
I support my clients by providing them with and following a customized, pleasure journey action plan where after some time they should be able to see results and measure their progress, ultimately, needing my coaching less frequently the more empowered and independent they become.
Emme: From your perspective, how is pleasure understood and misunderstood? And does this differ in the queer community?
YPA: I think the world still sees pleasure as an extra in life and in our human experience – a bonus and a nice-to-have only reserved for certain people; either those who are richer or more successful, ‘healthier’ etc. My philosophy is that pleasure is everyone’s birthright and pleasure is not limited only to sex or eroticism. I believe that pleasure can and should be incorporated in our everyday lives and pursued as much as we pursue our physical and mental health. Pleasure has many benefits to our overall health and functioning as human beings and it is a shame when we leave it out of our daily experiences. Because we lose out on hormones and chemicals, or even intimacy and closeness, that are rather easily accessible and that could make one’s day or even life that much easier or even sweeter.
It definitely does differ in the queer community because we as queer people have been forced to focus on surviving and existing first for the longest time. That still hasn’t changed. When you are still focusing on fighting for the protection of your basic human rights, fighting not to be killed or discriminated against or rejected by your family, it can be extremely difficult to even consider pleasure, or see yourself as deserving of it.
Because our bodies store the traumas we go through, it is expected that queer people may take longer to get to the place where pleasure is welcomed as a birthright they are deserving of and that can be part of the healing and liberation journey. It may be difficult, but through the support and help of sexual health and pleasure professionals like myself and others, it definitely isn’t impossible.
Emme: Sex can often be a tricky topic in queer communities, especially in African cultures where we are oversexualised already. How can the queer community support each other to unlearn harmful cultural or social norms around sexuality and consent?
YPA: There is a lot of unlearning society needs to do in terms of the norms and cultures we have created and perpetuated. It is more imperative in the queer community considering that a lot of the norms around sex and pleasure do not have room for us, anyway. Queer people, because of how diverse our experiences of self, and our experiences of our bodies are, have a myriad of ways we express and experience ourselves as sexual beings. The best thing we can do is to remember that as much as we, ourselves as individuals, feel entitled to uphold the right to be ourselves and have safe(r), empowering and enjoyable sexual experiences that make us feel good about ourselves, so does everyone else. You do not need to always understand how someone’s sexual expression works for you to respect it. As long as we are not harming ourselves, others and the nature around us, all consenting people should be able to enjoy themselves. You won’t always be able to empathize, relate or understand someone’s sexual expression and that is ok.
When it comes to consent, I find that the progress we have made in terms of elevating the conversation and making it part of our everyday vocabulary is still not sufficient enough. Yes, consensual sex is enthusiastic and continuous and unambiguous and freely given and revocable. But we can even take it a step further. Before we even entertain the potential of engaging with someone else sexually, as an individual you should be introspecting and asking yourself, am I only going out there to serve myself and my own needs in this experience? How much does it matter to me that the next person leaves this experience empowered and feeling good about themselves? How much do I care that I in no way, intentionally or unintentionally, cause pain or trauma to the next person? What are things I can do to make sure the person is still comfortable and enjoying themselves when I am with them?
We often think about consent being a ‘yes, no’ conversation, but we all know, deep down, it isn’t. You can tell by how a person’s body tenses if they are comfortable or not. If you are not sure, ask. You can tell by someone’s breathing or moaning if there has been a shift in energy. If you are not sure, pause and check. We won’t create a culture of consensual sex and pleasure just by limiting consent to words. We need to re-condition our minds so that subconsciously we are all extremely invested in ensuring that we as individuals, want to give others empowering and enjoyable experiences before we even leave our homes. For me, that is a more sustainable way of creating and maintaining a good culture around sex and pleasure that is free from abuse, intentional or not.
Emme: Are there any resources you would recommend for someone wanting to create a more inclusive and respectful consent culture in their bedrooms?
YPA: The first place to start is with self – introspect and interrogate how you relate with yourself and with others. Be honest about your intentions and desires, and then map out how you would ideally like to move in the world. I hope it is with the intention and desire to have enjoyable and empowering experiences, and to be able to offer those to those who get to share intimate space with you.
Then build on that intention by using resources such as “The Consent Guidebook” by Erin Tillman or find podcasts such as Christine Emba: On Rethinking Sex and Consent and Consent & Consequences with Brent Sanders which give everyday, practical ways of creating a culture of consent in your spaces.
Emme: How can someone looking for your help get a hold of you?
YPA: I am a member of the World Association of Sex Coaches and we have a directory of sexual health experts of various offerings from all over the world. You can also find my profile on the Sex Coach U directory or email me directly yourpleasureadvocate@gmail.com.
