Written by Nobuhle . N Nyoni
PART 1
‘I thought that I would still be in pain, but it’s all gone. I guess first-time experiences aren’t the same. The girls have spoken about hurting for days, and I could barely feel anything the day after. I am not sure how I feel about sex with men. The penetration hurt and nothing else. I wonder if it is like that forever or if the pleasure eventually comes. It sucks that I have to have these conversations on my own.
It feels weird to have them with the man who deflowered me. After all, the only thing that seems to be on his mind is doing it again. There is no need to ask him if he enjoyed it. It took him all but four minutes. It was both a blessing and a disappointment. I don’t know. We will see how it goes next time, if there is a next time.’
It had been a week since Sphe had gotten intimate with Mandla. She had no one to share the experience with but him since Ropa had distanced herself so much. Since the party, Ropa had barely spoken to her and had moved desks in class, too. Sphe had tried to talk to Ropa, and she had just been cold towards her. She cried herself to sleep and blamed herself for the loss of her best friend.
‘Maybe I should have chosen Ropa over Mandla. The sex was better with her anyway. Now, I am forced to do this life thing without her. And I might be stuck with unsatisfactory penetrative sex for the rest of my life. Just great!
I always thought Ropa would be my ride-or-die friend. Life is unpredictable, and I feel stupid for daydreaming about life in our thirties. I thought we would travel together and maybe have friendship sex in the weirdest places ever.
I don’t blame Ropa for ditching me. My idea of our lives together wasn’t all that beneficial to her. I was low-key exploiting her sexuality for my gain because I didn’t want to accept my bisexuality. It is unfair to her.
Does that excuse her being cold towards me? I think not. There was an opportunity for her to break up with me and explain why she couldn’t be friends anymore. She made a choice, and I have to accept that.’
Sphe lay in bed that Sunday night, pondering her broken friendship and bubbling relationship. She no longer looked forward to school because so much had changed. She sat with strangers at break and walked home alone. She sat alone in class, and it made her feel spotlighted.
As another week passed, she made new friends and created a new routine. Seeing Ropa would remind her of the lost friendship, but her heart ached less and less.
The situation at home was another thing she was getting used to. There was freedom and groove in the house. She saw her father on weekends. He would pick her up, spend the day with her and bring her back home. She had never been to his new home and didn’t understand why he wasn’t ready to invite her yet.
Sphe’s mother suspected Sphe’s father had taken a new woman to stay with him. He was an African man who didn’t believe in men being single. He often spoke about how miserable he was living alone before marrying her. She knew it was about sex and chores. It broke her heart to think that he had replaced her so easily despite swearing that he loved her deeply. It broke her even more that he was choosing a woman over his daughter once again.
Unfortunately, Sphe’s mother was right. He was living in a duplex apartment that he had been renting for his sexual rendezvous for months. He had acquired it after getting caught in his daughter’s bed. He often let the women stay for however long they wanted before he decided to move on to the next. It made cheating on his wife easier and left no paper trail compared to hotels.
He changed his women often, but one was consistent. Her name was Nomaswazi. She was in her thirties, worked at a bank and rented an apartment in the suburbs. She was a short, curvy woman with big eyes. Her skin was fair, and she wore curly wigs over her natural hair. Nomaswazi financed most of her life, and Sphe’s father added to what she had.
She was the first woman he cheated on his wife with, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not let her go. The times Nomaswazi caught him cheating on her, she would threaten to leave, and he would apologise with big gestures. He was addicted to her, and it was deeper than sex. He had promised to leave his wife for her, and when the divorce came up, it was the perfect time to fulfil his promise.
Nomaswazi was slowly moving into the duplex with Sphe’s father. She was excited to have him to herself. Every day, she would knock off work and head home. She would shower, get into something sexy and start preparing dinner. Sphe’s father walked into the house to the smell of good food, and his dessert was standing right in front of him.
Even though Nomaswazi was excited, she was anxious about how quickly he moved on from his marriage. She wondered if she was his rebound. And because of that fear, she was adamant about keeping her apartment until she felt sure of their relationship. It gave her some sense of security.
Sphe wanted to know where her father lived but respected his wishes. She never imagined that he was stalling because of a new woman. When he lied about it not being furnished, she believed him. She thought that he had become a better person since the divorce happened. She talked more and smiled more. He wouldn’t fail a quiz about his daughter because he knew her more.
Sphe hated having two sets of each holiday, but she could see the positive impact the divorce had on her parents, and that was enough for her to accept it.
‘Who knew that a heartbreaking moment would result in joy? It makes me question the fairytales we have watched. Each one has a happy ending. They paint a picture of soulmates being our forever loves, yet in the real world, all I have seen are people falling in and out of love with each other. I guess we get to live vicariously through the scripts on our TV screens.’
Her phone buzzed her out of her thoughts. It was a reminder for her Zoom session with Dr T, who had gone on a workcation, as she called it. She rolled off her bed to set up her laptop for the session. But she felt like her period had started, so she went to the bathroom to check, but it was another false alarm. Her period was three days late, and she was getting worried.
‘Don’t panic; it is just late. It happens all the time, right? There is no way you are pregnant. Those four minutes couldn’t have been enough to knock you up. Your hormones are just messing with you. After all, you had all the signs of your period coming up. The extreme horniness, moods, and the cramps. Your period will come around.’
Sitting at her desk, her mind was clouded by her late period. She knew the amount of trouble she would be in if she turned out pregnant. Her parents would be disappointed in her. The pinging sound of her joining the Zoom session brought her back to reality.
“Hi Sphe, how are you?” Dr T said.
“Hi Dr T, I am alive. How are you?”
“I am doing alright, thanks for asking, Sphe. Today’s session is not as long as usual, so let’s get into it. How is everything at home going?”
“It has been alright. It’s odd having the house to ourselves, but oddly refreshing. My parents seem happier apart, although there are days I can see my mother missing her husband. Oh, can I still call him that? Anyway, their joy apart has made it easier for me to reconcile with the situation. I can finally see that the divorce had nothing to do with me.”
“That is good to hear. I am so proud of you for being able to divorce yourself from your parents’ issues. Well done, Sphe! How are things going with you and Ropa? Have you shared the divorce news with her?”
Sphe sighed and said, “Dr T, Ropa turned cold. And I don’t know why, because she won’t talk to me and I am tired of trying. I am starting to accept that I have lost a friend.”
“Sphe, I am so sorry to hear this. Would you like to share what happened?”
“So many things happened. After I opened up to her about the way she treated me, she confessed that she only did it because she liked me. She kissed me on that day, and I was confused. We later spoke about it and agreed to be friends since she thought I was straight. Then I invited her for a sleepover, and we kissed again. I liked it.
Unfortunately, that may have led us to the end because she barely spoke to me after that incident. Then I caught her kissing another girl at my boyfriend’s birthday party. That Monday, I got to school, and she had moved desks, leaving me to sit alone. Nothing was louder than that action. I still tried to ask what was happening, but she wouldn’t budge.”
“I am so sorry, Sphe. It is hard to lose someone you love and have no explanation as to why things have to end. I do not know why Ropa has distanced herself from you, but I will say, try not to internalise it. It’s easy to blame yourself in these situations, but Ropa has also consciously decided to ice you out.
In some cases, we consider this a manipulative tactic to breed regret and result in you begging the person to come back into your life. It makes them feel like they have the upper hand in the relationship. It is unhealthy for any relationship dynamic. How do you feel about losing your friend?” Dr T asked.
“It sucks. I am emotionally exhausted because I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong. Sometimes, I wish I had chosen Ropa over my boyfriend instead of pretending I didn’t like girls. But it is so hard to be openly bisexual. I don’t want to be judged by people based on my sexuality,” Sphe replied.
“I understand your fear, especially in our society. Knowing and accepting your sexuality is the first step. The second is learning to live it out loud. That is the hardest, and you don’t have to be hard on yourself about it. So be kind to yourself and be patient.
Choosing Ropa over your boyfriend wouldn’t have changed her or how she handles situations. However, communicating your real feelings may have helped the situation. Ropa had shared a part of herself with you, and it must have been hard for her to do so. Why didn’t you trust her enough to share, too?”
“Because, for the most part, I wanted my boyfriend and her. I wanted to eat my cake and have it too. It felt selfish, so I tried to hang on to the friendship without sharing my feelings. I hoped the rope would stay strong long enough, but unfortunately, it snapped,” Sphe said, shrugging.
“You made a mistake. Learn from it. Don’t kick yourself too hard for it. It helped you understand the importance of communicating. As you heal, I want you to remember that it was not one-sided. Ropa played a part in your friendship falling apart, too.
I am so proud of you for seeing your faults and taking responsibility, Sphe. You have a chance to start over and choose your friends wisely. I wish you the best.”
“Thank …”
The session timed out, and Sphe was left staring at the Zoom home page. Moments later, she received an email from Dr T apologising for how the session ended. She responded promptly before throwing herself on her bed.
