Written by Naomi Irenosen Akharele
For the longest time, sex has been seen as a singular act – the act of inserting a penis into a vagina. This belief was held for a variety of reasons; religious, misogynistic and a dash of internalized homophobia. “It’s not sex if something doesn’t go in, right?”
But sex is so much more than the singular act of a penis going into a vagina. The human body is filled with so many erogenous zones that simply reducing sex to a penis going into a vagina is being disingenuous and minimizing sex and the pleasure it provides into something heteronormative.
Limiting sex to just penetration is a rhetoric that limits everyone – heterosexual or not. For men and penis owners, this brings about an obsession with penis size when in reality, size does not, in fact, matter. An obsession with size leads to discomfort and insecurity before and during sex.
The language associated with penetrative sex is a tad violent, with words like ‘taken’ being used in reference to being penetrated. This creates an atmosphere of unease relating to sex. There are many ways to have sexual intercourse with a partner or partners.
Non-Penetrative Sex: How It Can Provide Safe and Satisfying Sexual Experiences
For women and queer individuals, non-penetrative sex is more than the ‘foreplay’ it is described to be. It’s sex. A meeting of two (or more) bodies in a healthy environment with consent.
Penetrative sex is, like most sexual acts, amazing, but it is also just a form of sex. Penetrative sex, whether vaginal or anal, doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good sex’ despite what the media says. For people with vaginismus, penetration is often painful, making penetrative sex a no-go area for them.
For *Indiya, vaginismus made penetration difficult and not worth the risk. “It was too much, so I just didn’t. Sex, for me, is pleasure/release; dealing with the pain that came with penetration didn’t line up with that vision I had. So, I did something else.” What Indiya did, despite the fact that she didn’t know the name at the time, is an African practice called Kunyaza. A practice that stimulates the clitoris into orgasm; multiple orgasms.
Alternatives to penetrative sex have created a safe space for women and queer people to explore their sexuality in a way that doesn’t have the same connotation as penetrative sex.
Understanding Consent and Boundaries in Non-Penetrative Sexual Acts for Women and Queer Individuals
Consent is non-negotiable, no matter the sexual act being performed. As *Tracy says, “As long as there’s another body in the equation, you should ask for consent. A lot of people don’t see non-penetrative sex as sex, and because of that, the lines of consent are blurred. But they shouldn’t be. As long as you’re with someone else, you should definitely ask for consent.”
Consent in sex is incredibly important; it recognises your partner’s autonomy over their body. Consent can be sexy, but it doesn’t need to be; it simply is something that you should ask for before engaging in sex.
Addressing the Stigma Surrounding Non-Penetrative Sex and Its Impact on Women and Queer Communities
Due to the heteronormative narrative around sex, and the impact that the pornography industry has had on society, non-penetrative sex is seen as not sex or a prelude to penetrative sex. It can be the latter, but it’s definitely not the former.
For women and queer individuals, especially the queer women community, non-penetrative sex is a means of sexual liberation and sexual expression. The stigma surrounding non-penetrative sex has had some adverse effects on the community. *Tracy says, “You see the heteronormativity surrounding sex and how it affects the way queer women see sex. You see people saying that you’ve not had sex if you’ve not been strapped down. You can draw a straight line from that line of thinking to people who spew homophobia in terms of telling queer women they just need a man to turn them to the ‘straight and narrow’”.
The Pleasure of Non-Penetrative Sexual Activities for Women and Queer Individuals
Despite the stigma surrounding non-penetrative sex, studies show that queer individuals and women who engage in non-penetrative sex orgasm more. One of these studies showed that lesbian women orgasmed more (86%) than their bisexual (66%) and heterosexual (65%) counterparts.
Non-penetrative sex is the go-to for homosexual women, and they’re the ones getting the most orgasms. So certainly, they must be doing something right. “Non-penetrative sex forces you to be creative,” *Indiya says, “It’s not just ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’. You actually have to listen to your partner and hear what their body says they like. It makes for an overall better sexual experience.”
How Non-Penetrative Sex Can Be Inclusive for All Genders and Sexual Orientations, Especially Women and Queer Individuals
Seeing as non-penetrative sex is more inclusive by broadening the definition of sex and what it means, it’s created a safe space for queer individuals to explore their sexuality.
Removing the rigid ideas about sex by removing the connotation that only penetrative sex counts has given women the freedom to be sexual without fear of judgment or messing up. There’s no one right way to have sex, so every way is valid.
Tips and Ideas for Exploring Non-Penetrative Sexual Practices with a Partner
There are many different ways to have non-penetrative sex. The body has too many erogenous zones to restrict sex to just one part. But nonetheless, here are a few tips you can try with your partner for non-penetrative sex.
- Kunyaza: The East African practice of rubbing the penis on the vulva and clitoris is said to induce squirting during orgasms and multiple orgasms.
- Using non-penetrative sex toys: From Tenga Eggs to rose vibrators and clit suckers, there are a variety of non-penetrative sex toys that can help you bring your partner to orgasm. Don’t forget that lube is an important part of sex.
- Lube it up!: Lubrication is an important part of sex and sexual practices. For an act that involves a lot of friction, lube helps make the process smoother for all the parties involved.
- Dry hump: Despite the fact that it seems a little too teen-like, dry humping feels great, and for some people, it acts as sex during a period if they don’t want to engage in that.
- Talk it out: The importance of communication within any relationship cannot be overemphasized; it is especially important in a sexual one. Listening to your partner’s body is great, but hearing what your partner wants is even greater.
Challenging Misconceptions and Myths About Non-Penetrative Sex in Relation to Women and Queer Individuals
Despite what the pornographic industry and societal standards say, non-penetrative sex is sex. The singular act of penetration is not a defining moment for something as vast as sex.
The same tenets that apply to penetrative also apply to non-penetrative; consent, protection via dental dams for oral sex, and most importantly, mutual pleasure.
Embracing Non-Penetrative Sexual Expression as a Form of Sexual Liberation and Empowerment for Women and Queer Individuals.
Non-penetrative sex as a form of sex has expanded the scope of what sex is and made sexual activities pleasurable for all parties. Engaging in non-penetrative sex also dismantles the heteronormative ideals upheld by society.
