How soon shall I tell a guy (who is interested in me) that I blog about sex and sexuality?
Sometimes the subject of blogging never comes up at all yet there have been three occasions where people have come up to me and either said “I love your blog“, are you the same “Nana Darkoa who writes Adventures” or “I found your blog through google“.
One of my fellow bloggers (male) told me some time ago that I should’t tell a guy I have just met that I blog about sex. I think his concern was that I might get a stalker… @fellow male blogger, correct me if I am wrong.
I find that I often tell African women to check out my blog as I consciously write for women but rarely tell men to check out my blog. My concern in telling a man about my blog would be the assumptions he will make about me and I suspect those assumptions may not be all that flattering. I would hate for someone to read my blog and assume that I am going to have sex with them or that I am loose. On the other hand there is a part of me that doesn’t give a toss what the majority of people think about me. I reckon that those who matter will take me just as I am.
So what are your thoughts? Ladies if you were me, in the natural conversation you have with guys who fancy you would you casually mention the blog on sexuality you contribute to or would you wait until you got to know the individual a lot better? Gentlemen, what would you think if you met a woman you fancied and she contributed to this blog?
21 comments On Dating a sexuality blogger?
I believe it is better to wait till you know the guy well enough. Not every guy is a gentleman and certainly not every one would be reasonable and not drift into trivialities.
Each and every individual handles situations differently. While some guys would handle such information maturely, others might have the wrong idea of you and can even spread the wrong perception to their friends.
The flip-side is if the gentleman finds out before you tell him yourself. He might conclude you were deliberately withholding information about your blogging activities. It again depends on his level of reason.
Telling the guy or not should be determined by the level of interest you have in him. You’re really not accountable to a “toaster”.
Ultimately, your action should be well-thought through. Study the fellow well enough but don’t hold on for too long.
I think i might hesitate (just a teensy weensy bit) a little on dating a blogger in general. I mean you don’t really want someone to write about your personal stuff on his/her blog……
If it makes you feel uncomfy, then don’t. But, I don’t see how mentioning it would be soooo terrible. It’s not like you write about each and every graphic detail you have personally experienced.
However, I do see how men might start thinking “things.” But if the man likes you and knows who you are, it shouldn’t be a negative thing. I would definitely wait until the man got to know you a bit better.
Speaking of good men, please tell me where you are finding them because I am NOT. lol! Maybe I’m too shy, but that shall end. It’d be nice to meet a nice guy from time to time. Sorry, that wasn’t the topic. LOL
I agree with lovelylind – if you feel uncomfortable, then don’t.
However, I think its important that you keep in mind that when you’re establishing a new relationship (especially with someone you call a ‘boyfriend’), honesty and openness is essential. He must accept you the way you are, he be able to separate what you’re trying to do with your blog from who you are.
It seems to me that you’re striving for enlightenment through your blog and if the person you’re with can’t accept that, then my dear, he’s not the one for you. And no amount of love, patience, acceptance (on your part) is going to make it into a relationship you can be proud of, into a relationship in which you can grow.
There are men out there that’ll be mature enough to separate the wheat from the chaff and I would suggest that you not ‘tone’ things down in order to not ‘intimidate’ a man, or for him to not see you as easy?
Ask yourself this: At what point did exploring your sexuality equate being promiscuous?
If a woman I was freshly fancying told me that she was a sexuality blogger, it would make me think twice about everything we say. I might start reading between the lines (and all those unhealthy things). That’s my truth.
Well, I acctually hesitate to tell a lot of people I meet about my (very un-sexy) blog, just because they will quickly learn so much about me from my blog. If they already know about it fine, I made some really good friends that way. But if he has not googled you, I say wait until you have a relationship.
@Olunuyi David – Hmmm, okay, I have got to strike the balance between not saying anything at the beginning but not leaving it too late. This issue of guys spreading wrong perceptions to their friends is really a vexing one. Why do some men insist on doing that? I know it’s an age old question but it really annoys me. I have suffered a lot from that in my
life. I like what you said about not being accountable to
a “toaster”. I think I shall use that as my litmus test.
@Anon – With the last guy I was sexually involved with I agreed not to blog about the details of our intimacies. Is that reassuring? I did not sign a contract though so now that the relationship has ended all bets are off…lol, you’re right, it’s best not to date a blogger or a writer, or a musician or anyone who takes inspiration from their personal life
@lovelylind – It doesn’t make me “uncomfy” in the least…my natural inclination is to lay all my cards on the table but the rational part of my brain tells me that often that is so not the right thing to do. Good men? Wherever did you get the idea that I meet nice men? The men who read this blog can you provide some tips on where women can meet nice men?
@Chrysalis – I feel you!!!Seriously, I agree with every word you wrote…oh dear, where does this leave the litmus test.
@Nana Yaw – Thanks for sharing your truth mate. Much appreciated!
@Kajsa – The dangers of google. Funnily when I google my full name the blog doesn’t come up, at least not on the first couple of pages.
Interesting…if I met a lady I fancied and she blogged about sex,well,I wouldn’t mind and think she’s not worth my time or affection.However, I’d be concerned about what she would write about us.
Thing is, I am a the kind of person you could describe as ‘one who likes to have a private life’. Which means, if I can get the feeling or assurance that my personal space and integrity will not be blogged(in that she’d not put everything online as-and-when-it-happens…lol),no, I don’t have a problem with dating this lady.
There must have been something that caught my attention about her in the first place, why should change I my mind about her when I find she blogs about sex? As long as her mind and other things captivate me, her blog will not ‘really’ scare me.I think she’ll be a very interesting person to talk with.
Bottom line is, I will not judge her.If anything at all I’ll admire her for being able to do what she does(considering she is an African and a girl…she is very courageous, and I respect that). But will she respect me and my conception of what should be kept private and what can be told to the world?
With respect to her telling me what she blogs about, I’d say she should take her time though, I don’t need to know everything about her from the very get go of our getting to know each other.I agree with Oluniyi, get to know the guy a little more before…
Question: What would you do if you met a guy who blogged about sex? Would you think he was a player, promiscuous, a hedonist, a cheat or person who striving for enlightenment?Maybe if you’re able to answer that Q,you’d have your answer to the Q you asked us,your readers.
I look forward to reading your next entry.
There are several good men out there.Thing is,what kind of man is a good man?In my opinion what you could do is to pay a little more attention to what is really really important to you (as a person) in a man(does that even make sense? lol I hope it does!).
I think most of the time many ladies make judgment calls on the kind of men they meet without “knowing” for sure. Well, good luck to you in your quest to get that good man, as I am also patiently waiting on meeting my good woman.
@eyuseh – thank you for such a comprehensive comment. It was a pleasure to read. Nice to know that you wouldn’t prejudge a blogger based on her subject. In response to your question I would be thrilled to meet a guy who blogged about sex as long as he was open-minded, liberal and has all the other qualities that I like in men.
lol Thanks for your tips, Eyuseh!
On another note, I am reading that people are more concerned about blogging period more than the topic of the blog. I find that interesting because it is not a given that people would even talk about their personal lives on the blog. Perhaps some wierd event that happened during the day, but not always something that identifies who the person is or what her or she does.
I’ve been blogging for years and I would consider myself someone who likes privacy as well. And honestly, there are some online journals I’ve followed for years and I have no idea what really goes on from day-to-day with the people. I guess it all depends on the type of person, but the bottom line is that your business may not automatically be out in public just because your partner is a blogger.
whoa!I guess blogging just slashed my market value (excuse terrible expression) in ten. lol.
I say you tell the guy if you guys are becoming serious. I hate that it’s something you have to “tell” and not just wait until it comes up naturally. Makes it seem as if it’s something inappropriate that needs to be “discussed”. Maybe you could direct the conversation to “what do you do in your free time?”. Usually he’ll ask you the same, and you can say, you blog and leave it at that. If he expresses interest in your blog, u can just not tell him: give him a link and let him check it out himself and after u’re sure he has, u can ask him what he thought.
Now i write stories for a living. One guy actually asked me when i paid him a compliment if that was also one of my “stories”. sheesh. you just can’t win ’em all so you just do what makes you happy.
@Esi – in a roundabout way you were the trigger for this post. Do you remember us bumping into each other in a bar and I introduced you as a fab blogger? That somehow led me to say I blog too and then when he wanted the address I thought “Oh, no, someone has warned me about telling men about my blog”
I think I agree with Kajsa (cool ass name by the way). Don’t tell me about the blog. I don’t want to know that much upfront. Actually I don’t want to know that much at all.
Let me find out things about you. If I read your blog and I was just getting to know you – I know too much after I read it. What’s the challenge now?
I’ve chased ugly woman (don’t get offended ugly women – I love em all) because they’ve gave a challenge. I’m an information gatherer, so if I read the blog it’s an easy maneuver for me to charm those pretty panties down (I’m being bad there, forgive).
Don’t ever, ever, ever tell a man you blog about sexuality. Some of these corny dudes will think it’s cool, but damn can anything be personal?! keep some stuff yours – personal.
Nice blog by the way:)
@E- You made me laugh so hard and I think you have convinced me to hold back some info when I initially meet a guy.
What is it with guys and wanting women to be mysterious and a challenge? I know it’s suppossedly the hunter gathering instinct but seriously we’re now in the 21st century and there is nothing to hunt. Or is there? I don’t like the idea of being considered game
Nana, you may not like the idea of being considered game, but think about it, we women play that game with the guy(s) we like. The urge to hunt is always there. About you saying you blog on sexuality, I’d say, hold on until you know the person’s thought on sex. Anyway, some guys might actually get a kick out of it.
Very articulate collection of views. I don’t think knowing that a woman blogs about sex (sexuality) would really change anything I feel about them in the long run. I’m much more concerned with understanding underlying motivations.
@Aba – Please say more – what game(s) exactly are you talking about? Personally, I don’t think I play games with men…I’m more of a “straight shooter”. I either like you or I don’t
@Kofi – Underlying motivations are pure. Ultimately I want more women to have fantastic orgasmic sex…blogging about sex will not necessarily have that result but being open about sex, your needs, desires, etc might help in the process
I’ve had the privilege of hanging out with you a couple of times and both were amazing and unforgettable. You are an intelligent, beautiful, concerned, loving, witty and a “straight shooter” of a woman. I don’t know what man in his right mind won’t appreciate these virtues. I am sure if the right man comes along and he’s patient enough to discover the gem you really are, he might negotiate with you on your blogging future; especially in relation to your relationship with him. I hope such a dude comes along.
I must say, most African men can hardly handle an empowered woman, much more one who is bold enough to write about sex and sexuality. The few who will have the balls to date you might also worry about what their mothers and sisters and grandmothers and fathers will say (people have no idea how often these issues come up in Ghanaian relationships).
I also have a funny feeling you may also have a lot of guys who will want to find out how it feels like to have sex with a sex expert. That will be heart breaking if it comes out they were never genuinely in love with you… it is a danger I foresee. I know of such stories and I think I shared one with you the last time.
Finally, I will give you two suggestions of what I will do if I were in your shoes:
1. I will blog with a pseudonym.
2. I will date men only on celibate terms. No kissing, no sex, no nothing until he’s really ready to commit to a long term relationship.
The former will give you a great opportunity to have a “normal” unprejudiced life. What the latter will do is assure him you are not “easy” and also neutralize the many lies he will hear from his kind and the women who are jealous because they couldn’t have him.
So again… my 2 shillings worth. Cheers 🙂
If you meet a guy and after a week of talking/ hanging-out he still has no clue that you are open about sexuality, I’d say you two aren’t a perfect match. When two people “click” you find out about each other with ease when you interact. No need to ask friends about the other and therefore, no need to read blogs to know more about the person. You worry about his impression of you? He would already know if u are loose or not from interacting with you. I personally would not rely on blogs to define a person. It would be useful for “history lessons”; things that happened to her in the past that we havent had time to laugh about yet.
But check this out; what kind of man would you meet that wouldn’t know about your blog or find out shortly after you start hanging out? You are surrounded by men on the info superhiway, and in a country where people talk about people.
I dont see any issues except he might not be OK with you blogging about him.
@Mike – I so agree with you, when two people click you easily find out about each other…you will be suprised the number of people that are not on the info super highway. The one or two guys who have been “checking” for me recently, do not know I blog…I generally don’t say anything about my blog to guys partly based on the comments above. On the other hand if they do find out it’s no biggie
If sex blogging is my career…right off the bat! He is going to know. If it’s just for fun, hell no….he’ll know in due time. He doesn’t need to know evvvvvvvvverything on first meet…..