On the subject of Virgins and Virginity

The recent conversations on visits to the Ob/Gyn have somehow led to the subject of virginity and associated issues such as, who is a virgin? Someone who has never had sex? Someone whose hymen is intact (that somehow implies the “someone” is female)? In this day and age we also have “born again virgins”.

Somehow when I think of virginity I think of women. The impression I got growing up was that you needed to stay a virgin for as long as possible, preferably until you got married. For a woman to be a virgin was/is a good thing but for guys it’s a very bad thing. I don’t know any woman who will want to date a (male) virgin for example. Is that the same for men? Somehow I doubt so?

I remember in my early 20s there was this older man I fancied (and he clearly also fancied me) but he refused to go all the way because I was a virgin. On one hand it may seem he was being chivalrous, but on the other hand I think he felt if he had sex with me then he would need to have a proper relationship with me. In hindsight he probably fancied me but was not “that into me”. I guess he did the right thing after all.

What are your thoughts?

14 comments On On the subject of Virgins and Virginity

  • Kajsa Hallberg Adu

    Hi Nana, I’m looking forward to the comments/discussion on this topic. Do please inform us: What is a “born again virgin”? Sounds very Ghanaian…

  • “Born again virgin”? What’s that?
    Thing be say, there’s this perception out there that virgins get attached to the first people they have sex with. I believe that some (or most) virgins expect their first sexual experience to mean something. I’ve been with a few virgins and they all “caught feelings” when, for me, it was just a one-night type thing. I ALWAYS woke up the next day feeling bad because I could see that I was waaaay over on the “We’re done, let’s get out of here” end of the scale and they were firmly parked at the “Hiii, let’s have dinner tonight and go for a walk in the park” end of the scale. I avoid virgins now unless I actually want to date the person.
    I don’t want to marry a virgin. I’d rather the woman came in with some experience. I don’t have the patience to teach. Come in and sex my socks off!
    Oh, and I think there are different kinds of virgins. You have someone who is a vaginal virgin but is a fellatio artist! There can also be anal virgins and so on. If there’s something in sex you haven’t tried, you are a virgin in that discipline! I am still waiting to be tied up and dominated! Mmmmm, yum!

  • i believe a born again virgin is someone who had sex when s/he did not know Christ and therefore of the world. When such a person becomes born again, or gets to know Jesus, s/he decides not to continue living in sin but rather to remain chaste until marriage. If the person abstains for long enough.e.g. till marriage, some people say this person may be considered a born again virgin. some people even claim the hymen grows back 🙂

    @Awansona, i think men need to communicate upfront when they just want a one night stand so that virgins can make an informed decision. That way, the morning after u have sex, your expectations will not be different from hers. I think many virgins assume that a man wants a relationship if he sleeps with them unless he says he doesn’t. I think it would be nice, to tell the virgin before you’ve slept with her that u’re really just looking for casual fun and not a relationship. By not doing so, you mislead her to sleep with you and then make it seem as if she had her head in the clouds when really, you conveniently forgot to tell her and so tricked her into sleeping with u. I bet fewer virgins would pursue a “relationship” with you to the point of getting into ur bed if you would communicate your expectations ahead of time. Of course both of you are responsible for communicating ur expectations before u jump into bed but hey, sometimes people get ahead of themselves and don’t have the right conversations ahead of time.

  • True, true. There is sometimes a lack of communication of intent before sex. I try to make sure people know what they are getting into. I think I am quite good at saying “I just want to have sex with you and nothing more” before anything happens with a girl. The ones I regret are the ones where I neglected to say that and relied on the situation/context to cover for me. One that springs to mind is the last day of college one of my friend opened up to me at a party and told me she liked me. We made out and had sex. (Yeah, that was stupid and weak of me… *sigh*). We both knew that after grad (the next morning) she was going one way and I was going 1000 miles away. In my head that meant this is a one-night thing. It wasn’t the same thing for her. She was a vaginal sex virgin but had had oral sex. That one was messy and I had lots of regret afterward. Never again!
    I say it straight up now. “Nope,I don’t wanna go out with you but I wanna sleep with you.” If she still wants to dance then hey, it’s on.

    Oh, this reminds me of a discussion they had on one of the morning radio shows. In a friends with benefits type relationship (just sex), who catches feelings first, men or women? Maybe a separate blog posting on this? (My answer = women :-P)

  • Interesting views. My bit is on why men dislike virgins. I know this is debatable, but a virgin, usually, comes with a baggage. There is so much you have to do post sex to mitigate a broken virginity`s perceived and imagined loss. In the strictest sense, very few women have lost their virginity without a certain degree of cohesion and persuasion from men which can easily be branded as rape. Women simply are afraid to travel this uncharted territory, but once the did is done, they soon realise that the grass is indeed greener on the other side.

  • TOTALLY disagree with Pen Powder. Almost to the point that it is offensive that you really believe that women are like that. In fact, I am offended. “Perceived and imagined loss?” Really?? So it’s all in the woman’s head…

    And then to associate all of this “baggage” with rape?? This in itself can be another rant entirely.

    This leaves no room for the thought that some women could actually be eager to lose their virginity. It leaves no room for the idea that even if a woman might regret losing her virginity, she won’t go into ultimate hysterics because of it. It leaves no room for the thought that some women actually can have sex with no strings attached.

    As for me, I agree with Esi’s definition of “born again virgin.” However, I never really associated it with religion as much as I thought of it as maintaining celibacy until…you feel like it. But Esi’s definition is most likely more accurate.

    I actually thought men who didn’t want to mess with virgins did so because of the lack of sexual experience.

    I don’t know if I agree with the idea of “types” of virginity. And quite frankly, I don’t think I completely understand why a woman would do anal sex just to say that she’s still a (vaginal) virgin. lol It’s just a ridiculous thought to me (perhaps because I perceive it to be WAY more painful than initial vaginal intercourse).

  • Lovelyling: GOD BLESS YOU for your comment! You summed up everythign I was thinking, but said it in a far more “congenial” way than I could have mustered. I too, am offended.

    At the same time, I’m grateful for Pen powder’s views. I plan to print bot his and Awansona’s responses to this post and place them in my girls’ memory books so that they can see FIRST HAND how some men regard women in the area of virginity and sexual intellect. They are 2 and 4 yrs old now, but I doubt the minds of men will change much in the next 12-18 years when they have the potential to become sexually active. Someone wise once said: I can show you better than I can tell you. And as for today dieeeh, these men have shown me papa!

  • 2 snaps to Esi and Lovelylind. 2 snaps!

    -Nana DK

  • I mean no offence. I thought the idea is about airing views. You may not get the views if you come out guns blazing like this. My apology to those that were offended.

  • No point in me saying too much about this. What Pen Powder said from the Male perspective sounds true to me. It was certainly not intended to offend anybody. I fail to see where the offence lies. Hell, he did not even state a personal opinion. He tried to explain how men perceive things. There’s no offence in that!

  • @Kajsa – I think Esi answered the query about “born again virgins” well. What are your thoughts on the subject?

    @Awansona – I laughed so hard when I read your comment. I appreciate the candour. I also like that you want to marry an “experienced woman”.

    @Esi – Thanks so much for the great definition. In fact I did not even know “born again virgins” were so for religious reasons but that makes total sense. I also agree with your feedback to Awansona and was especially pleased that he agreed with you

    @Awansona – Thanks for taking feedback so well and doing your best to be responsible. I shall definitely do a post on “friends with benefits” aka f**k buddies

    @PenPowder – Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I am very much aware it has not gone down well with everybody but if we cannot speak openly and honestly in cyberspace then where can we share?

    @Lovelylind – you present a great perspective that to be honest I hadn’t thought of initially. True, some virgins make a conscious decison to commence sexual relations. You made me reflect and recall that I made such a choice in the past.

    @Abena – Hmmm, a memory book for your girls is a great idea. Personally I did not feel offended by PenPowder and Awansona’s comments. I thought they were merely being candid and sharing their views. However, I can appreciate that the assumptions made about virgins/women’s attachment or not to men with whom they have sex can cause offence.

    @PenPowder – Personally, I do not think you meant to offend anyone. I would like you to continue sharing your views. On the other hand, it’s also good to get feedback when your views offend people albeit unintentionally.

    @Nana Yaw – I think its great that everybody expresses their opinions. I am sure Pen Powder appreciates your support

    Wow! I had no idea this subject was going to be so controversial. Love it! Thanks for the feedback all

  • Hey again. Although I was offended, it doesn’t mean I don’t think anyone should say what he or she thinks. In fact, the discourse is great…

    ..let me not get too deep into the following subject matter, but the problem with race (in the US) is that people have learned to keep their thoughts to themselves. Since it’s not spoken, they continue with their beliefs because there is no discussion with people from different perspectives.

    That being said, it’s important to know what everyone thinks. And I know that no one in here intended to offend…so no worries on that end.

    Nana Yaw- I get what you are saying. But I actually do think what was said is a personal opinion. We can’t actually measure whether all men perceive virgin women in this manner, so we can’t conclude it to be a fact.

    Sorry to seem like I was breathing fire. LOL I guess I’m just sensitive about how women are perceived by men. I’m really a friendly person.

    But the bottom line: This is an open forum. By all means, voice your thoughts. But that doesn’t mean that people will agree with you. Besides, if we all agreed, it’d be kinda boring, eh? 🙂

  • @Posekyere: breathe bro. Sometimes people take offence at views…no matter how well-meaning those views were. It’s just the way life is.
    While we have the right to air our views…others also have the right to react to them. We cannot control how others react to our views…..

  • “born again virgin” my foot. You’re either a virgin or you’re not.

    I believe the word virgin applies to ladies only.

    I believe the man in your post did the right thing. Not fancying you that much is besides the point. Do men sleep with ladies because they fancy them?

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