A few weeks ago one of my oldest friends accused me of being “anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children”, I was shocked. “Me?” I responded, “Where did you get that impression from?” “It’s true” she said, if you like ask “Koshie* ”. What? My friends were discussing me and had come to the conclusion that I am anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children?
“Well, I know you and I know deep down you are not anti-marriage, anti-relationship and anti-children” my friend conceded. I asked Koshie and she agreed with Aminata’s* original view, and vigorously defended their position.
So for the record I would like to clarify my position on marriage, relationships and children.
Yes, I am fairly cynical about marriages and relationships in general. I look around me and I do not see many healthy marriages and relationships. In fact I am sure I can count the good marriages AND relationships on ONE hand. This is how I define a good marriage/relationship:
The people within the marriage/relationship are generally happy, supportive of each other’s efforts and faithful.
It’s a simple definition but I do not see much of that around me. I don’t think I am anti-relationships or anti-marriage at all…okay maybe I am anti-traditional marriages…okay I am definitely anti-traditional marriages but I doth protest that I am not anti-relationships. I think relationships that work are beautiful. I am actually a bit of a romantic. I love the passion, the excitement and the thrill of new relationships. Yes I know what you are going to say – the relationships get old and then what happens? I think if your old relationship has a strong foundation then you can make it work. I think if you and your partner have enough shared interests then you can make your relationship work. Yet sometimes I think “why do people make so much of an effort trying to fix what is clearly broken”, “why stay together for the sake of the children when you are so unhappy”, “why stay together because you are financially dependent on him/her”, “why get married because everybody thinks you should be married by a certain age”, “why stay married because you have a child together.” If this means I am anti-marriage and anti-relationships then so be it.
Now let me come to the charge of being “anti-children”. I think this charge is levelled against me because I have no children and I have expressed no major intentions of having any. (I also have a fear of childbirth and childcare which I have previously blogged about)
I cannot hear my biological clock. I have been listening but I do not hear it. Sssshhh, let me listen…no, I do not hear it. So how can I have children when I do not feel like having children? I like other people’s children though, well only for limited periods of time. I do have a very good relationship with some children and younger people, I’m like a cool Aunt, the one who will hang out with you and allow you to go all crazy. I especially love my God Child ‘cos she is my God Child and her Mum made me God Mother. I feel a strong emotional connection to her because her Mom gave me a role in her life. I do not feel the same relationship to other children with whom there is no connection. Unfortunately my God Child and I do not live on the same continent let alone in the same country. I wish we did though…then I could be a really cool Aunt, I could take her to the beach, to the museum, we could go out to eat…
I do want to adopt in future. There are so many children that need a good home. It doesn’t make sense to have your own when there are so many children already in the world without parents. I know for a fact that I will adopt one day. My parents are anti-adoption though, they think I should have children of my own; they are concerned that adopted children end up resenting their parents. My Dad thinks instead of adopting children I should do the traditional Ghanaian fostering where you take care financially of the child/children. As far as he is concerned there is no need to legally adopt a child. Of course, he is also speaking from his own personal experiences. He has seen so many instances of adoptions gone wrong.
The one thing I know though is that I do not want to ever regret not having children. I once heard an older woman say that the one thing she regrets is not having a child. I don’t want to be that woman. I also don’t want to be that woman who has a child because she thinks “I’m getting old”. I want to hear my biological clock tick before I respond. Oh and I tend to get what I want in life so when I decide I am ready to have a child nothing will stop me.
10 comments On Anti-Marriage, Anti-Relationship and Anti-Children
Nana,
I also don’t get why people are all iffy about adoption…Especially Africans. I also said something about it to my mom and she was all ‘Over her dead body’
I think adopting children is a very selfless thing to do.
I agree totally with everything you are saying about bad marriages and relationships. Being sensible and opening your eyes to the many failures which exist may make you cynical but it does not make you (in my opinion) anti-marriage or anti-relationship. However, I’m sure your friends have other reasons for believing you to be this way, or perhaps they just don’t see where you are coming from. Honestly, one of the worst things in the world to behold is an unhappy marriage and your questioning of marriage and relationships seems very valid to me.
Right, moving on…
Adoption is something I personally dream of doing and I hope I am able to do it alongside having my own birth children. I confess the only reason I will be making my own is because the making is definitely fun and I want, selfishly I guess, to see little mixes of me and my future fine husband! But seriously, to not have your own because your clock is not ticking and you don’t feel the urge is admirable. I say this becuase, although the view does not correlate with my own I respect all those who refuse to add to the world’s population for silly reasons and honestly a fear that maybe, perhaps, one day, in the distant future, you might in some way feel some small, tiny feeling of loss is NOT a good reason to procreate. What if you don’t feel the ‘blessing’ when lil’ Kwadwo arrives? What if you resent that child?
Don’t get it twisted I do believe children are a blessing and some people do not realise that blessing until they have a child, but unless your pregnancy was not planned why would anyone choose to make a child if they as feeling as you do? That’s not anti-children, it’s COMMON SENSE!
i haven’t read you enough to know if you are anti-marriage or anti-r?ship. i think the idea of adoption is great. .. with all the babies out there needing to be loved, one should be free to not want to give birth
I think everyone should consider adoption, whether they have children or not. As long as they can afford to of course. I can think of 4 women i know who are in their fities now and never had children. Out of the 4 only 1 expresses any kind of regret and for her it’s something linked to a medical problem, nothing at all to do with her wanting to actually be a mother. Maybe motherhood really isn’t for everyone.
@N A – Mmmm, I don’t know if I agree that child birth and childcare is the most “natural” experience a woman can go through, I suspect it may be one of the most emotional though…I do take issue with the statement that childbirth and childcare is what makes one a woman. I know that is the prevalent view in most of our societies but that is a really limiting definition of womanhood. That accounts for the pain and unhappiness that many woman who are not able/do not want to have children feel.
I do appreciate the sentiment and good intentions in your comment – especially the compliments about my brains and beauty 🙂 See flattery will take you a long way…I think you missed the last two sentences in my post…when and if I hear my biological clock tick I will respond
Lady X – At one point in time I think my Mum expressed similar sentiments. Now that makes it difficult because if I do have a child – adopted or born of my own loins – I will need my Mum to support me
@Nsoromma – Thanks for the support
@HYAW – True!
@Abena – That’s really reassuring to hear. Thanks for sharing
I too do not understand the aversion to adoption. I hope to adopt children along with my own (future) children. I think your views about childbirth are extremely mature and I don’t understand how you’re being attacked for it.
btw, @Nana, did you receive the message I sent you? My computer was playing up and I’m not sure it sent properly.
@Sankofa – Thank you! and no I did not get a message from you. Please re-send. I generally reply to all messages. You can email me at adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com
And what a lucky God Child she is! She has the coolest God Mother on the PLANET. As a married woman myself, I don’t see what all the fuss is about getting married. Besides, you’ve already been there and done it. You know what works for you and what doesn’t. If children and marriage don’t fit into your life right now, then don’t do it. It makes about as much sense as forcing a square peg into a round hole and sweatily asking why it looks crazy after the forced relationship!
Personally I am of the opinion that as human beings, everything we do is tempered by self interest. Might as well make sure you can live with your choices. I can understand why some adopted children may resent their parents, it’s the same for why children resent their own birth parents. They did not ask to be born/adopted, it is the mother/father-to-be that seeks to adopt or raise a child for their own “rationally” selfish reasons. I love children..So much, it’s maddening and has made me a heretic. And that’s why I don’t think I want to bring any into the world. my reason being that the world does not deserve our children. Not just yet. If I had one wish it will be that all women be rendered barren for a period of time just so we fix the state of the world and make it fit for the children that live in it. There’s so much despair and unhappiness and such a lack of freedom that just plagues every living being, and we don’t even do a good job of makign our children believe in their talents and abilities. Too many parents try to live their lives through their kids under the pretention that they are raising them the right way, when it’s just the only way they know how.. Anyone who remembers their childhood, good experiences and bad, remembers that carefree nature with which children love and receive love. That freedom, that joy of life! They are so resilient! And strong. We lose that as we grow because the world makes us jaded. Our hearts die. I’ll spare my unborn children from that fate for now, I only wish children without parents continue to blossom and bloom untarnished. Would someone consider me anti-children? Probably but they can not deny that that’s a label based on their understanding of what it means to have children, a label my soul would never accept. :o) I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!
@Abena – Yes, you’re not biased at all. xoxox
@FreedomSleeps – I’m happy you love the blog 🙂 Thanks for reminding me that some children resent their birth parents…so this is not a situation more likely to be experienced by an adopted parent