Cyber Loving: Guest Contributor Shane on Long Distance Relationships and Technology

bits, 0, 1, 1, 0
and the click-clacking of keys
bytes, 1, 1, 0, 1
and the buckling of knees
… I sit blown to
bits by the you
that comes through in bits and
bytes… or bites

I’m not a fan of long distance relationships, but given my track record, you’d never guess – I was a card-carrying member of the ‘ball and looong chain brigade’ for many years. Monogamy is not in our nature as human beings and while it may be easier for some than for others, I think we can all at least agree that eyes (amongst other things) will sometimes stray. Throw in time differences, butt-stiffening bus rides, expensive plane tickets and a couple of TSA enhanced pat-downs, and the situation gets even bleaker. If you’ve been there, bless you, you know what I’m talking about; and if you haven’t, thank your stars and pray you never have to learn to hold a phone between your ear and shoulder while masturbating AND trying to sound sexy over static. “What are you wearing?”… “What are you doing now?”… “Pardon?”… Sound familiar?

With all of that said though, I will admit that it is probably a lot easier to sustain long distance relationships today than it was back when girls hoped, not that he would text back, but that the messenger on horseback with his letter wouldn’t get mauled by wild animals in the forest. I remember when, as a child, I’d follow my mum to the P&T headquarters in Cantonments to call relatives ‘abroad’. Today, loved ones are merely an instant message away, and while it may not afford us the same flesh and blood advantages of proximity, technology has become an integral part of relationships, especially long distance ones. Here are some thoughts on and tips for making the most of some commonly used platforms:

Twitter

The best way to effortlessly keep up with your significant other’s day to day (or minute to minute – if they are like that) thoughts and activities without being all ‘up in their grill’. For those who like to keep a particularly ‘close eye’ on things (#stalker), set up a saved search for the person’s twitter handle to see all unprotected tweets that mention them. Lists are another useful feature if you want to see the tweets of ‘persons of interest’ without actually following (read alerting) them. Of course, you two can also tweet cute things @ each other to make everyone sick.

BBM

Beware of the D (delivered) and R (read) markers on these messages! If you read it, respond so that he/she does not feel like they are being ignored. If you’ve read the message but for some reason do not want this to be known, do not place the cursor in the reply field; instead use the red ‘hang-up’ button to escape to the home screen, the D will not change to the dreaded R. And finally, if you fail to respond to a delivered message for 3 hours or more (at a time when you are not sleeping), you’d better come up with a damn good story for what could keep you away from your Crackberry for that long.

Facebook

Do people even use this anymore? Lol… On a more serious note, tagged pictures, relationship statuses, boo-d up profile pictures, you all know how these things go. Check out ‘wall-to-wall’ and the new ‘see friendship’ feature for surveillance assistance. I’m beginning to think I should have titled this post “How to Stalk Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Online”.

Skype

That ‘skyping’ has become almost synonymous with you-know-what says it all. Just try not to kick your laptop off the bed.

Your thoughts?