Guest Contributor Afua: “Virginity and first time falsehood”

I am a sexually experienced woman who has had her fair share of sexual partners. I’m lucky to be able to say that most of it has been great sex. But it hasn’t always been that way. In fact, for most of my teenage and young adult years, I fought, losing the battle on almost every front, against this common sexual demon: the idea that virginity is a nuisance and not something to cherish.

I grew up pretty ‘pure’ and by the time I went to university, I had never been kissed. I saw the idea of my virginity as something to be proud of; I viewed sex as something to be shared between two people that cared about each other. In my mind, I was waiting for that special person. I very quickly realised that I was the only person who held this view.

Between friends telling me that casual sex is should that ought to be explored and men (I secretly fancied) telling me that they found virgins unappealing because they were looking for someone ‘with experience’, I found myself face to face with the reality that something I thought was sacred and special, was actually something undesirable to the men I was attracted to (which were just normal average college guys).

Looking back, it makes me sad. I became a project to so many. My girlfriend just told some random drunk guy to kiss me in the club (that was my first kiss) and the first time I had sex, I was with some random guy I met in a club, went home with and had painful, bloody sex with.  Somewhere deep (deep, deep, deep) inside, I knew there must be something better, but I didn’t even owe it to myself to stop what was going on (even though I wanted to) because I was just tired of having the stigma of being a ‘virgin’.

One would think that many years later, the times might have changed, but they haven’t. Men and women now talk about being a virgin as though it is some kind of curse. Now, every time I hear someone say something like, ‘I’d never want to be with a virgin,’ I silently wonder what the person is actually trying to say. Are we now a world that looks for sexual promiscuity (past or present) in the people we invite to share our lives with? What does it say about the men who say they do not want to be with a virgin? What does it say about a woman who doesn’t want to be with a male virgin?

Don’t get me wrong.. After sleeping with over 17 men and having been guilty of saying I’d never be with a virgin myself, I am beginning to question myself. Why wouldn’t I want to be with a virgin? Nothing about being a virgin says anything about being bad in bed. Just like experience does not equate phenomenal sex, inexperience does not necessarily equate being a bad sexual partner.

So, why does everyone hate on virgins?

10 comments On Guest Contributor Afua: “Virginity and first time falsehood”

  • If there was a way to give you a standing ovation in HTML, I’d be doing that now.
    You asked yourself valid questions and I strongly believe that individually, we grow more when we do so, and seek our own answers.

  • I lost my virginity at 25 to someone I’d only known for about 3 weeks just to get it done. At that stage in my life I actually had friends who used to check up on my virginity status every once in a while.
    I also had guy friends and family who used to say they couldn’t take someones virginity, not saying it out of respect but more like it was a daunting task.
    The second and third guys I slept with, all previously flirted with, also admitted that they never would have done it.
    In Nigerian society where girls who ‘sleep around’ are condemned I find it very odd that virginity isn’t looked upon as a good thing.

  • @ Think: Thank you. This has been a post I’ve been keen to write for a while. There is so much that is twisted about our society, and as a species we habitually act in ways that do not serve our well-being. I hope one day to ask enough questions to move away from that.

    Question… Are you a man or a woman and did you ever feel the pressure to have sex just for the sake of having sex?

    @ MJ: Thank you for your comment. I am sorry that you felt that pressure. I wish I could say that there were men out there that are different, I am sure there are a few, but I am yet to find one.

    In Ghana, my perception is that sexuality has become so glorified to the extent that basic grooming is construed as “looking sexy”. Its stressful and puts undue pressure on a society.

    Ghana is often described the most sexually repressed society by the people who experience first-hand — why is this? And why do its members persist in behaving in ways that further entrench this repression?

    I don’t know.. Many questions and no answers:-)

  • This is quite interesting. I’ve no clear feeling of ever having ‘lost my virginity’. Usually it feels like I was never a virgin at any point in my life. Grew up in an environment with loads of kids and God knows the games we used to play. Plus a bit of funny situation with an teenage guy who decided to find a little girl to ‘play’ with.
    But what my boyfriend usually gets upset about with me when we wander along the paths of our sexual histories is that it always sounds with me as though I played no part in any sexual encounter which I suspect is partly because somehow I didn’t grow up thinking sex was my prerogative to do as and when and with who I wanted, however I wanted.
    Eventually I’m there now and its hard not to wish I could go back in time and do some things differently and choose my first sexual partner with more thought.
    The bliss of retrospection!

  • @ Ms. K, thank you so much for that post. Its so strange you should say that. While writing this post, I encountered the problem of which sexual experience I should outline as my first (I was sexually abused by an uncle as an 11 year old). You hit the nail on the head (for me) as separating my first encounter as that encounter *I* chose to have.

    That initial experience of sexual intimacy is a post waiting to be written (watch this space over the next couple of days).

    Thank you again Ms K, you have unknowingly cleared up something that has bothered me for years.

  • Its a pleasure Afua 🙂

  • @JM – Lol! You’ve just reminded me that my friend used to tease me about being a virgin when we were in our (very) early 20s. Its funny in retrospect but at the time I never questioned the teasing and it didn’t bother me. One of my older friends always reminds me that I told her when I was 21 that I had too much on my mind to worry myself about guys…

  • Wow Afua! This is a great post. I know the feeling of hearing snide reamarks of being a virgin, At 26, I’m a virgin and have no regrets. Don’t get me wrong… at some point I felt like having sex and getting it over with… However, after waiting for so long I just decided to do it only with the one I would call my husband.

    I’ve also had guys tell me that they wouldn’t sleep with a virgin because of the inexperience. I told them that it’s about willingness.. there are inexperienced people who are great learners, right? Lol! Anyway, all i’m saying is that being a virgin is never a bad thing.

  • I find this topic very new. I am a virgin myself, at 22, and i have many friends who are also virgins. I have never heard any guy say they would never be with a vrigin and i know many guys and girls around my age who are also virgins. Those who are not virgins (of my friends) are just as proud as those who are virgins and no one is condemned for it.

    If everyone who has had sex says they do not want a virgin, they should ask themselves, how would they have lost it if no one had taken it?

  • well i would rather prefer to be with a virgin. there are men who would love to be with virgins, dont get it wrong

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