When You’re Too Fat to Fuck

…or even give one.
The other day Nana was goading me via Twitter about getting an article done for Adventures. I’ve been persona absentia from the blog for many months for a myriad of reasons, the foremost of which is because I’m not in possession of an exciting sex life.

There, I said it: I’m a married woman with 4 kids whose sexual encounters are more akin to a night spent in a knitting circle than an erotic scene in Remember the Tight Ones. (You guessed it: That’s a porn title.) No surprise there.
“How can I write about something that I barely have?” I tweeted. “I’m not a wizard!”
“Then write about WHY you’re not having sex,” Nana tweeted back.

So I thought about, and after much thought, I came to the realization that my sex life is suffering not because I’m married, and not because of my kids – but rather because the result of these two factors combined. And that result is that I am a fat ass.
I am now at my highest weight ever, well into the 200 lbs range. If given a choice between a hot slice of chocolate cake or a hot night in bed, the chocolate cake is going to win out every time. This has become rather problematic, because my husband being a man, enjoys sex – whereas I have to be convinced that this is a good use of my time. After all, it would take me less time to whip up some batter and pop a cake in the oven than finding a comfortable position in order to have a stiff one thrown unceremoniously into me. In my fitter days, there were few things I enjoyed more than a quick romp in the sack. I was limber and creative. But now that I’m classified as obese (almost morbidly so), I find that it’s so hard to even bother. It becomes a vicious cycle of eating for pleasure because I’m too fat to seek out and engage in physical pleasure. I have become too fat to fuck.

It really is a problem. Here’s what a night in my bed may look like:

There’s a poke in the small of my back and a hand on my breast. I sigh, knowing what’s coming next.

“Mmmm?” I’ll ask, feigning sleep.

A few whispered words later and I roll onto my back. If I do this first, my husband can’t roll onto his – which would require me to get on top. Having to go cowgirl when you’re as out of shape as I am is oftentimes disastrous.

“Ananse! Ananse!!!” I’ll yelp, frightening my American husband.

“What? You mean the spider?”

He looks frantically around the bed ,preparing to slay the fabled arachnid.

“No! I’ve got pins and needles in my leg! I’ve got a cramp. Ouch!!”

You see, the crushing bulk of my immense weight causes my calves and knees to fall asleep which is painful, to say the least. And it’s not like I’m spritely enough to hop off from a straddled position and stretch my leg. I’m too big to move that fast.
Similar fiascoes will ensue for the next 10-15 minutes until I do all I can to make my husband reach his climax so that I can get off of him and on to something else…like cake.

It honestly is a bad place to be, and not a healthy place either. A woman in her 30s should be the picture of health, and in truth the only person I’m cheating is myself. After all, 30 is when we reach our sexual peak. A healthy life equates to a healthy sex life, and I DO PLAN to incorporate more fitness into my daily routine…right after I polish off the last bit of cake in the fridge.

If you’re overweight do you find that your weight affects your sex life? I’d really like to know I’m not alone.

24 comments On When You’re Too Fat to Fuck

  • Abena you’ve cracked me up so much! Please you really have to write more. Sex life or no sex life 🙂

    Does my weight affect my sex life? Abso fucking lutely (pun intended) When I’m feeling fit I feel more comfortable about taking my clothes off and prancing about in front of whoever is the lucky recipient of my affections…which means when I’m not feeling happy about my body weight then I’m less interested in getting naked with anyone…and as a singleton I have no one harassing me on a nightly basis for sex so I don’t have to get jiggy unless I really really wanna…

    On the other hand I think its a cycle ‘cos I eat less when I’m having more sex. I hate to have sex on a full stomach so if for e.g. I knew I was going to have sex tonight I wouldn’t have had that HUGE plate of fried rice I had earlier. Does that make sense?

    So maybe the thing to do is to have more sex, and consider it part of your fitness routine 🙂 Maybe the chocolate cake can be smeared over hubby so you get to work out whilst you ‘enjoy’ the cake

    Thanks for writing girlfriend, and please write more often


  • Yay!! A comment! Whoohoo!! I completely agree with sex on an empty stomach and its correlation eating less and sexing more. It’s a question that needs to be pondered by the Oracles. Like which came first the chicken or the egg? Am I fat because I don’t have sex or am I not having sex because I’m fat??

    I’ll do my best to write more, powered by booty or none.

  • I enjoyed reading the blog. I’m not fat. But I’d say that on days that I’m not at my fittest, sex is a drag and very unfulfilling. When I work out prior though, it’s a different Kwame. Lol. Thanks for writing this. It is entertaining and fun

  • am so cracking up,but honestly,as a mum,i can honestly say,there are days when sleep is a lot attractive than romp,but Abena,coming from someone who went from a size 16 to 14,trust me,the aftermath make your hubby pant for more!!

  • Intersting read.

    I dated this big (I dared not call her fat) girl once who had the sexual appetite of an abrekyere (billy goat). I loved her to bits but didn’t find her physically attractive. In hindsight, i think the attraction was her superior intellect and pretty face. Sex for me was more of a chore than a pleasure as a result, we constantly bikkered over that as she felt she always had to initate – women HATE that.

    I think for her, even though she was big/fat, she felt very comfortable with her weight and thought there was something wrong with me for not lusting for her and jumping her every opportunity i got. I suupose the point I’m making is that it’s not about what size you are but rather what mindset you’re in that makes you want to fuck or be fucked (oh yeah, there is a difference). So Abena, don’t wait for your hubby to poke you in the small of the back and grab a tit whilst you think up an ananse excuse not to fuck, how about you grab him by the balls the minute he gets into bed tonight and whisper ever so slowly “I’m gonna fuck you tonight till you bleed”.

  • Sorry Nana D, you are going to sign up Abena to however much chocolate cake she wants so she can continue to write these side-splitting pieces. I thought the life was going out this site, but the last two posts have convinced me otherwise. This is funny and very insightful (the posts and the comments).

    The funnest most adventurous relationship I ever had was with a very beautiful plus-sized woman. I was too much of a moral coward to date her, but not so much so that when the doors were closed (or when darkness had enclosed the village park) I wouldn’t be enticed into going for the gold. I was a jerk, though, never ever saw her fully unclothed, because somehow we managed to dispense with those preliminaries. she once asked me why I didn’t hang out with her. My response was a mumble mumble mumble…

    Not to mention that I lusted after her much more glamourous slimmer sister, who actually wasn’t as interesting as my lover. Hey, I never said I was a saint.

  • @Kuhefferson : I’m glad to hear a male’s perspective on weight gain and performance. I totally agree that sex whilst unfit is a drag. I mean, you’ve got such a big ass dragging you down, y’know what I mean?

    @whitney: My ideal size is 12 on top, 14 on the bottom. You’re my inspiration! (Along with Jill Scott, J. Hudson and all the other former phat chicks.)

    @Tema boy: Eish. Till he bleeds? #speechless

    @Kofi: Glad to hear that you haven’t given up on the Adventures! 🙂 In re to your story, I’m taking up a collection to sponsor therapy for jilted, intellectual big girls in rural areas. How can you bang somebody in the dark through her skirt and then go and chase her sis? Ebei! You are no saint indeed! 😉

  • Abena,

    Saints don’t make good erotic storytellers…

    Points of clarification that hopefully won’t give too much away: village was small town in US, and a few items of clothing came off but not enough to come into live skin-to-skin combat with belly rolls. 😉

    When you are boinking on a village green, the few clothes you shed, the better, in case a misguided cop comes a-wandering.

  • Abena, trust me on this. The key is how slowly and determined the whisper is. Just post me a high five in the morning and I’ll know it’s all good.

  • When you are boinking on a village green, the FEWER clothes you shed, the better, in case a misguided cop comes a-wandering.

  • Abena, a bold and honest writer is always delight to read and often healing too. I thank you for writing this. After, I have laughed from your excellent use of humor, I am forced to think, about myself, about how I was able to lose weight anytime I wanted to and why I have gained so much weight lately. As trivial as it may seem, it is important for me to be able to carry my partner or for my partner to be able to carry me. (I have to carry or be carried, period.) I am comfortable in my skin, call me fat, big, I really don’t care, the only time I freak out about my weight is when I imagine my stomach do a dance on its own just because I am moving. The extra baggage on my sides kills me, it shakes my confidence a little but I can go pass it and I try to make up for it by seeing to the absolute pleasure of my partner. Regardless of how much i weigh when I see the possibility of a dancing stomach, I am less likely to have anyone see me naked except of course Mr Dildo… 😀 Staring at a naked body is a turn on for me, I would like to have no doubt about my body doing the same for my partner. When I have doubts, I pull the ‘let’s kiss and say goodnight card’. I would rather not have anyone reach out to my sides only to grab something bouncy and ask a silly question like “what is this?” “na your papa!”, I would have said if I were Nigerian. it still hurts a little that I ever was asked that. I either keep my stomach tight or I talk to Mr. Dildo. And like Nana said, I never eat much when I know I’m gonna get some…;-)

  • Hey Abena, I really had a good laugh at this and thanks for sharing. Being on the larger side of life myself this was an issue until I found out the one doing the most agonizing and most complaining was me! That said I still would like to come down a size of two (actually make that four!) – I am now in an interesting predicament where my partner and I are arguing about me losing the weight – he loves me at this size (18 on a good day). Your husband obviously still finds you attractive – avoiding his pokes both literally and figuratively can in turn lead to other issues ao I am in full agreement Tema Boy – well minus the bleeding bit!

  • I don’t even know what to think…I love this post being on d big side myself…I’m in my 20s and still a virgin by choice! don’t let me even get started on the struggle with the weight plus i prefer the easy way out too lazy to exercise and all that stuff… i am very confident and I love my body but sometimes I cant help to be jealous of slimmer chicks. still I don’t let my insecurities cramp my style although I have a feeling that most of our African brothers prefer skinnies…

  • Ugh, I can’t with people that hate their bodies.

    First of all there is nothing like being too fat to fuck. I don’t understand why people think fat people cannot have good sex. You’re not feeling limber? Do some fucking yoga. You only have one body, whether it is fat or thin or anything in between, you had better love it. Holding yourself to some societal standard is bullshit, different bodies have different set points. Enjoy the sex you have, let your partner see you naked, hell let him grab your gut and your love handles, they are part of you after all. And for any unattached people, stay far away from people that don’t find your mind AND body attractive. And stay away from the fucktards that won’t proudly claim you in public.

  • Nice job Nana Darko, for getting Abena to step out into the light again. Missed you out here Abena!!

    Abena, I’ve gotta give you credit for your statement in the 2nd paragraph. Not all women will come out and admit that truth. (My last post on your other blog decades ago 🙂 was about our differing opinions on marriage-sex versus single-sex).

    Now that you are experiencing what I mentioned should be expected, I’ll share filla on a theory & formula I’ve been working on. There are a number of factors at play here.
    1. Panic not. A crappy sex life at this stage was highly likely to happen. You are not the only one it is happening to, not the first or last either.
    2. Priorities listed high to low: Kids, running the household, stress management, career/school, sex.
    3. Stress management above is pretty much what you do to keep your sanity. Chocolate cake to the rescue! Dressing cute and going shopping used to be good therapy right? Chocolate cake works better now and is more convenient. There goes the waistline.
    4. I suspect hormonal/ chemical changes during and after pregnancy affects sex drive & lubrication but I’m yet to gather more data on that. 🙂

    Here’s my formula & conditions that could be used in predicting resurrection of married-sex life. (based on 2 kids but should work OK with 4 kids)

    Marriage sex is typically already on a downward slope by the time the 1st kid is 12 months. If pregnancy is complex, slope is steeper. Otherwise, denial stretches it out till the kid is 18 months.

    Great sex TOGETHER by married couple = X+1.75 years = 0 (X to be defined later)
    This formula holds because of the priorities list: Kids, family management, career/ school.
    Hard to fit these 3 in a day every day. Good luck adding a meaningful sex life.

    X is 9 years if number of kids are 2 and no one has being suspected or caught cheating. X=11 if serial, but non-disrespectful cheating occurs during the crappy sex years.

    It starts getting better at X=10. One or both parties starts missing the good days of a decade past, begins to care about how they look, physical fitness etc and actually does something to change things for better.

    If no disrespectful cheating occurs, no ill-feelings develop between the couple and both are very supportive of each other during those crappy sex years, married-sex after 12.75 years can be expected to be so good, planets get shifted.

  • WOOOWWW Mike! (This is frikkin’ hilarious!!)

    OK. I’ve got my calculator out. SO I SHOULD be back to a normal sex life by 2025. No big deal. I can wait that long. But then I also have to wonder in the interim: is there a diff between ‘respectful cheating’ and ‘disrespectful cheating’? That’s a convo all in itself…

    See Omosi? It’s all in goo fun. No need to get your panties in a twist about a simple article and folks sharing their experiences in the jungle. 😉

  • 2025? i’m not even going to touch that one. lol

    Respectful cheating is when partner gets his needs met outside the home but does it so clean, even Satan can’t tell what’s up. He is home at the right time, there for the family and is the bestest and most supportive partner even when you don’t give him love.

    Disrespectful cheating is when he comes home with hair in his teeth and sits down to watch tv with you. Or uses your ipad to order thank you flowers for the chick handling him and he doesn’t bother to order a nicer bouquet for you.

    Unfortunately, respectful can turn to disrespectful.
    Respectful partner might be dying inside and would look for ways to get your attention that he has loads of needs and would prefer only you to ride them out. If he was a player before marriage, he sure won’t beg you for love. Instead, he will choose to come home with the magnum still on just for you to see so you can claim your thing back and keep it in the family. (That usually backfires and adds 5 more years to the sex-life ressurection time)

  • this is a really great piece.

    this part had me : “This has become rather problematic, because my husband being a man, enjoys sex – whereas I have to be convinced that this is a good use of my time. ”

    though i can’t relate to you on the married level, i feel you on the food. and thank goodness i don’t have a man checking for me each night.

    like Nana said, i also eat less when i’m having lots of sex. sex is my food. right now, i’m too stressed, depressed, eating more, sexing less. my life wasn’t like this a couple years ago. i gotta get out of this funk.

  • I haven’t been on here in ages and wow have I missed plenty. Absolutely love this post.
    I’m a fat ass too. Big Girl, always was prolly always will be and I do love having sex. So I’m wondering could this be because I have always been big I don’t have the same hangups or am I just a big girl on the outside but a slim chic within?

  • I think its the mindset. I weigh about the same as you ( well in the 200s) and I can move my body in any way I want it to- I can do handstands, cartwheels etc. I climb trees everything. I dont have kids though so I dont know how that might change things but my sex drive is not diminished by my body size- i can get into any position and give my man things even smaller girls can’t. and I love it when he’s inside me and make sure I let him know. its not about your size but your approach. from how you speak it “a stiff one thrown unceremoniously into me” – sounds like you just find the whole thing horriffic. and also your confidence levels might be feeding into your negative attitude. start with small wardrobe changes and see what happens— it might help to go on a fashion frenzy nd get a new look going while you work on your body. It will be amazing for you. and also remember how you feel about yourself, your man may not feel that way- instead it may translate as if you are not into him anymore… but you cat have that – fake it til you make it sista. even if you arent feeling like sex, if he wants some, act like its all youve been dreaming of all your life! love and lite

  • …and I don’t think its ok for others to pat you on the back for self hate.

  • …and I don’t think its ok for others to pat you on the back for self hate. work on your body to get it where you are comfortable but while you are the size you are dont spend one second hating it… if you hate yourself now you wont even notice when you’re good cos you’ll get caught up in the habit of self hate. Erykah Badu says it best to sum up that habit in women “been such a long time i forgot that i was fine/ just kiss me on my neck…” you get heartbroken and get in the habit of being angry and you dont even notice when youre over the hurt. dont do it to yourself and your man and your family sis

  • LoOoL LoOoL
    Apologies in advance if anyone who knows me sees this but I HAD to comment

    Girl you are soO funny, you have put an issue very close to my heart (and rapidly expanding waist) in words that actually made me tingle with recognition and for one of the first times ever actually Laugh Out Loud!

    I know exactly how you feel and I have been exactly where you are at!
    @Adrift you are very wise

    At my most body conscious I just HATED the idea of Sex afterall you cant lie in a strategic position hiding all the excess parts of you. During sex you’re in motion, his hands are everywhere and sucking in your stomach is mission impossible

    How did I get over it?
    1. Find a position you don’t feel so exposed in. May I suggest Doggy and all others with the lights off?

    2.start to confront your body. The scales are not your friend but see exactly what you weigh to see what you’re up against. Find a simple diet you can stick to and go for it.

    3. My most traumatic crossroad was leaving behind Kenkey, Bancu, Jollof etc but you cut certain things down

    4. Focus on your happiness, Sex is a huge part of being happy and if your size is getting in the way of that it’s time to deal with it.

    Thank you for your article now I’m going to take my own advice and try to deal with my own issues too


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