Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a woman. I’m in my late twenties. I’m Ghanaian and Ewe—hence the moniker—and, since I can remember, I have always been in love with penises. The last man I slept with called me a connoisseur and then said that didn’t quite cover it. So he corrected himself and referred to me as a coticulturist because much in the same way that horticulturists study plants, obsess over them, tend to them, ensure their wellbeing and make them grow, I tend to coti. I feed them. I water them. I cultivate them. I take care of them. I provide the most specific nurturing for their unique and particular make-up and I whisper loving words of encouragement until they meet their full potential. I nourish them till they bloom.
This is not because I am some disproportionately-traditional woman who is obsessed with pleasing her man and cares little for her own pleasure. It isn’t because I assess my overall worth by how many people say I am good in bed. It is for a much more selfish reason: I adore dicks.
I like the way they look. I like the way they smell. I like the way they taste. I like the way they feel. I like interacting with them, and learning them and stroking them. Tracing every inch of them with my fingertips till I feel like I have learned every ridge, every furrow, every crevice and I could identify them in a line-up with my eyes closed. I love weighing the length and heft of them in my hand and learning what their circumference feels like between my lips. I like putting them in my mouth, and laving them with my tongue and caressing them with my palate and massaging them with my cheeks and gliding them across my skin. I love sliding them between my breasts, tracing them around my areolas, kissing them to my nipples, trailing them down my belly, teasing them between my thighs and travelling them between the cheeks of my ass. I love inhaling that simple, pleasantly musky aroma they give off which is always untouched by cologne and aftershave. I love burying my face in them and rubbing my nose along their length and kissing them softly from the tip to the root. I think the human penis is perhaps the most sophisticated piece of natural engineering ever invented. I mean, think about it. It starts from a base that grows out of one of the sexiest parts of the human body. It hangs down from its own delicious weight. The base turns into a shaft that stretches out, heavy, thick, turgid, and long— even in the shortest of cases. The shaft has God’s unique handwriting all over it: lines and swirls and rings and creases that are as particular as a fingerprint. And then somehow this shaft balloons into a crown of fullness which is shaped like a perfect mushroom with the smoothest tip in the universe. And that is only when it is at its most unengaged.
When a dick decides to get interesting, phenomenal things happen. The in-built lever that someone so thoughtfully put in the base is activated and then the delicious weight rises up and stands perpendicular to its owner and parallel to the ground, tumescent, aggressive, decisive, like a national monument rising up from the delectable trail of hair that leads you down to it. A dick ascends like some mythical phoenix from heavenly ashes, out of this cradle of hip and bone and sinew and flesh till it is looking you right in the eye, daring you to do something, calling your name and beckoning to you to come say hello. Every crease is smoothed out, every ring is a line, every vein is a signature. It bounces gently there, bracketed by strong thighs and hipbones and that narrow groove between pelvis and butt that some overly-technical person named the Iliac’s crest but I call the place where dreams come true. It nods its head like it is agreeing with things you haven’t even said yet and winks at you, soft and silky and warm on the outside but as firm as a blade on the inside.
People say dicks are hard like steel but I think that is a lazy description. Dicks are like a bone with a flame in it. They have the ponderous sexy weight of a breast yet the firmness of a human shin. And like a throat that is swallowing something, they are always pulsing, always moving in these tiny, microscopic ways. They are always talking to you, speaking multiple languages. They are always whispering words and muttering phrases and letting things slip out that they didn’t intend to say. They are the most communicative body parts in the universe. And the most honest. They never lie. They always let you know exactly how they feel. If they can do something, they will. If they like you, you know it. If they don’t, it’s clear. They give instant feedback. They are flexible and malleable and so bloody open-minded. You can ask dicks to try just about anything and they will at least hear you out. They never judge. When you show them love they appreciate it and they give you standing ovations and firework displays that stay imprinted on your mind forever. When you blow their minds, they leave you with absolutely no doubt that you did. They just completely lose composure and forget themselves and give over their souls. Even the rounded globes they sit on get tight with anticipation and try to crawl back up into bodies. They sing and wave and wail and jerk and flutter and shake and give you deliciously sticky presents that warm everything they touch. They are divine. And beautiful. And I am yet to interact with one that didn’t instantly make me drench myself and leave me a better, more fulfilled and more learned woman.
Am I the only conscientious coticulturist out there? Does anyone else think penises kinda rock? Or does anyone think penises are totally ridiculous and would rather they didn’t exist at all? Ladies (and trans, queer, gay, bi, pansexual and questioning men) how do you really feel about cocks? What is your favourite thing about a penis? What is your favourite part of a dick? What has been your best interaction with one? And for you guys, all the penis-possessing homosapiens among us: what is your favourite thing about your dick? What has been the most touching or memorable or sexiest thing anyone has ever said about it? Most importantly, what is the best thing anyone has ever done with it? Don’t be shy, now. Let VV know.
22 comments On Guest Contributor: The Voluptous Voltarian on “An Ode to the Dick from a Conscientious Coticulturist”
The craziest moment when someone interacted with my penis happened un a movie theatre. Great blowjob; handjob. The writer has aroused my adventurous alter ego. My penis will like a therapy session with you. 😉
wow, u really love dicks!
Oh miiiiii gosh!! *BLUSHING*….I really want to find me some great dick after reading this! MANDIGO WARRIOR DICK. I know this was not part of the conversation, but why do women fail to test drive before marriage?! What if that thang don’t work as it should and you are miserable for the rest of your life?! Well, I guess love will solve the issues, right?! EKUBA, OZUHU, CLIENT, I’d like to hear from ya’ll. Ya’ll be crazy as shit!
I actually also wonder why more people don’t test out the ting before they get married. I mean even if religion and its shackles of chastity present an obstacle to complete coitus, at least one can examine the goods and play with them a little. Make sure they do what they are supposed to, make sure they respond to you, you respond to them, you have chemistry etc
@ Voluptuous Voltarian: great writing skills! i’ll come for writing lessons from you. this has got to be the best ode to penises that i’ve read my whole freaking life . and as for the phrase ‘coti’culturalist… it’s been branded on my mind since i read this,i’ll totally be using it elsewhere:)
@ African Mami: hahaha, you’re not the only one oh! after reading this ode, i feel like hugging and pampering and doing all sorts of things to somone’s dick (i would have said my boyfriend’s dick but we just broke up so i’m free to sample newer dicks lol). I myself, however, do not really like the big ‘mandigo’ types . i like ’em just the right size, not huuuge or teeny weeny, perfectly comfortable for me to use for all purposes. wink
Heeeeerrrrrh!!! VV my dick gives u salutations. u rock too much.that sohrt of loving can any man stay faithful. listen up ladies! that is how u keep a man faithful in a relationship. u got to get junior on ur side. lol
Eish my sister you are on another level oo.
Wow all hail king penis. What will we do without you. Our dildo’s don’t come even close.
OMD!!! I could feel myself blushing whilst reading this…and i’m really dark-skinned! This must be the most intense article ever written about penis and honestly, i’m blown by it! “corticulturist” love the way it rolls of my tongue; cant wait to use it in a conversation soon.lol. VV, i love the way you let your emotions out about something you love. To echo what Dela said, youre totally on a whole other level kwraa
Perhaps you should put your exceptional writing talent to good use by writing a Psalm or two in praise of God.., rather than waste it praising penis(es). You should visit the morgue to see how all of what you’ve well articulated (and the many you copied and paste) is all vanity. Christ is coming soon, repent!
@ andrety,
Abeg, for why would you bring your crusade to a BEDROOM where all the good nasty happens?! Eh, eh. in any case, if sex is so condemnable(it is a word oo), pray tell me why Songs of Solomon reads like erotica?! Shoooo!!!
@Andrety, this is not a religious forum. There is nothing to repent about admiring part of our body and praising it. Would you say the Songs of Solomon is sin? I rest my case.
omg! What an ode! mehnnn i would never in my entire life have found words to describe them so well as you hav done. Now i’ll view my hubby’s dick in a whole new light and certainly treat it better than ive been doing…
LOL!!! Nana Akosua, I am SO with you. I too vow to treat my hubby’s dick with more respect and attention. I’ve been mistreating it of late. *snicker!!*
this ode is creating ideas in this head of mine. so so well written i’m gonna have to read it again.
@African mami, i have heard some “non test driving people” say if they feel the dick standing when they spoon and such, then it is tested. Me thinks nooooo……. LoL. i understand that pple might have certain religious convictions for “not testing”…. i needs my test drive.
@andrety – Why are you even reading this site? Surely the door page warned you that the content was of an adult nature? Please go off and read the Psalms, and cultivate your own writing skills
That does it. I’m becoming a coticulturist as well. Ebei! How can you not go and look for dick after reading this??
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@ Malaka and Nana Akosua: Please come back and share afterwards hehe. Neglected dicks which suddenly get attention make for some amazing stories I am told 🙂
great article. i’d have to say the women that love attending to the BBC are always held in the heart as the tenderest dear things. my memory holds them in heart. this article can actually cause women to stop being so coy and just admit it. many of us fellas are able to express our adoration of a curvy shape and a delectable pussy but it seems most women are taught not to express their likings. too uncouth i guess…or its best to keep secret. any woman that inhales your scent passionately is one you know you’ll miss if they ever get out of your grasp. point me in the direction of more women like VV
Where have u been all my life? WOW. We need to hang and share ideas and whatnot. Beautiful piece. 😀
I am off to treat my husband ter-durr-ly in his dickly place. This piece is making me a worshipper of phalluses.
Wow! Intensely erotic. As the owner of a cock, I most like my head. The greatest treatment I received from a lady was a woman who licked and ate the entire area: cock, balls, and ass. She got so turned-on she would actually squirt several times. At the end, she always demanded that I cum in her mouth. She swallowed every drop, then licked the entire neighborhood clean. The best part was when she would continue licking my balls. Ladies, men love having their balls licked, especially after cumming.