Guest Contributor Voluptous Voltarian: On Being a Conscientious Coticulturist

[To read the first post in ‘The penis chronicles’ please check out “An Ode to the Dick…”]

I had a dream that I recently met a fellow coticulturist. She reached out to me after my ode to dicks and told me that she stays in the closet about her love for penises because loving penises is a delicate matter. I related to what she said. Loving penises is a delicate matter. You can’t talk too much about it because, once you do, people misinterpret your loving penises to mean that you desire every penis, interact with them all willy-nilly (no pun intended) and are not terribly particular about the person said penis is attached to. I term this miscalculation the height of phallus fallacy (again, no pun intended) and I always try to explain to people that in my experience, the people who consort with penises without any concerns for who they belong to are usually the ones who care the least for them and are least interested in genuinely exploring them. Coticulturists actually tend to be some of the pickiest people I know. One way to think about it would be like the difference between foodies (people who are obsessed with the taste and quality of food) and foodians (people who simply eat a lot of food). But when people make this erroneous assumption that your love for penises means you go about welcoming them all, regardless of creed, time, place or circumstance, you face everything from surprise to disappointment to outright anger when they find out just how picky you are.  There is a sense of fraudulence and false advertising and men find it very difficult to parse that their penises might be desirable but their behavior isn’t and the effect of the latter is killing all desire for the former. So loving penises becomes a delicate matter because you can’t really talk about it in male circles without having to clarify that you are not soliciting affections.

If you are a woman who loves penises you can’t talk too much about it, even among girlfriends. You risk becoming the object of ridicule in conservative female circles for being a shashii. You also risk becoming the object of concern in liberal female circles for being overly-invested in men and their happiness when they are the privileged ones and it is the happiness of your own downtrodden gender you should be focusing on. You risk being thought of as exaggerating, or attention-seeking, or pandering to men, or here on earth to just do one more off-the-wall thing which makes life more difficult for all women. You know, like that mythical woman every guy quotes when they are trying to get you to do something ridiculous. That mythical woman so-and-so dated who loves dry, unlubricated, rough anal sex with no foreplay; and getting face-banged so hard during fellatio that tears come out of her eyes and little chunks of gagged-up spit fall out of the side of her mouth. Yeah, I know you know that mythical woman. I keep asking her to please stand up, and as the late-great Fela Kuti would say “identify hahself,” but so far nada, zip, zilch, bubkuss. Hehe.  I assure you I am not that mythical woman. I don’t speak about loving penises to posit myself as some perfect girl that guys can quote and compare the women they are sleeping with to. I am too aware of the unspoken standard against which sexually active women are held and found wanting. I want no part in it and frankly I’m not that special. No one is. So I don’t speak about loving penises to suggest that other women who do not feel the way I do are victims of not being evolved enough and do not truly enjoy sex or love/desire the people that they are fucking. I definitely do not talk about loving penises because I think it is some magical way to keep a man or to avoid being cheated on.  In my opinion being cheated on has very little to do with what you do in bed and more to do with who you are doing it with, the level of maturity they possess and the amount of honesty they have the courage to show. If getting “Junior” on your side was the key to not getting cheated on then porn stars, escorts and adult entertainers would have the most faithful partners in the universe but some basic research will show you this is not the case.  So, to all the people who think that all it would take for cheating to be eliminated would be for every woman to love dicks as much I do, I am flattered by the compliment but think you are missing the point. Penises don’t cheat on their partners. People do. “Junior” could never step out on the person “Senior” claims to love unless “Senior” let him. “Junior” might get aroused at something walking by, and I see no crime in that, but it takes permission from his owner for him to do anything about it.

But enough about Junior. I want to ask something. Why is loving penises such a delicate matter? When a man says he loves pussy, not just sex but pussy, it elicits nothing but pats on the back from other men and approving, adoring nods from women. Men loving pussy is something which all sex-positive people generally approve of. We have how-to’s on carpet-munching even on this blog. Now don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly support all treatises on cunnilingus—I believe men who eat pussy contribute to world peace. I cosign all elegies to the almighty vajayjay. However, when a woman says she loves dick—not just sex or horizontal acrobatics, but penises themselves—even sex-positive people react with a little surprise. Such things are rarely heard even in circles where there is no fear of slut-shaming. I have found to my surprise that even women who luuuurve sex and love men are less than enamored with the dicks themselves.  And I wonder why this is.

After a recent mental conversation with a poster who felt like I should be writing psalms to glorify God instead of writing about my love for dicks I asked myself, “ VV why do you talk about loving penises?” And these are the answers  I came up with. I talk about my love for penises to dispel some of the mystique. I talk about loving penises because I like to tell the truth about my life and my views and the truth is that I am a little bit of a penis evangelist. But most importantly I talk about loving penises because I think the way the majority of people feel about penises illustrate the particular complexities about gender relations that I find intriguing and most telling.  Mosey on over to the next post if you are interested in hearing me break them down.