Adventurers, is there anything you used to believe when you first started having sex that you now have a totally different frame of mind about? Anything you used to think was a “sure-banker” rule that you are now slightly embarrassed that you ever saw that way? What was it? Never giving blowjobs? Never doing doggy-style? Never letting yourself get sweaty during sex? Oh. You won’t tell me till I tell you mine? Fine. Sigh. Don’t laugh, but here goes: I used to have the emotional version of “a coming score sheet” and I used to believe it should balance out perfectly. I know. I shy saf.
Why did I keep a running count of how often I came versus how often my boyfriend came with the strictness of a World Cup referee? Well, at the time I thought my reasoning was sound. I was a very invested in fairness and openness and mutual pleasure. I was dedicated to having sex that showed that there was equal care for the pleasure of both partners. I was terrified at the thought of fucking anyone who was basically masturbating with my body and not interested in me as a person. I wasn’t interested in anyone who couldn’t make me come. More importantly, I was not interested in fucking anyone who would be satisfied that he had come while I had not.
I looked at it like this: if we had enough chemistry to get past kissing, got it on on a regular basis, and you were coming during every round and I wasn’t, then something was wrong and you had to go. That was my philosophy. And I thought it was a very fair one. I took it very seriously. So if in, say, the last twenty times we hooked up I had come ten times, and you had come all the twenty, I would start to look at you with shifty eyes.
Why was this? Well, I think that I was used to the tit for tat set-up of making out, where a guy would fondle my boobs then I would give him an handjob then he would go down on me then I would go down on him and we would go blow for blow, orgasm for orgasm until one of us would have to go home. You could say I subscribed to the P-square “you do me, I do you; man no go vex” school of thought. So I thought a guy’s pleasure was totally my responsibility and my pleasure was totally his. I didn’t regard myself as difficult to get off because I have an embarrassingly responsive body and I was convinced that with full-on sex the deal was the same: I work my ass off to get you off and you work your ass off to get me off. Everybody comes. Every body is happy. You get 10/10. I get 10/10. Gold star.
What I didn’t know then that I know now, is that the best sex actually happens when it is a collaborative effort. The most emotionally resonant and connected sex happens when you take over one the duties involved in getting you off: like for instance you touch your clit when he concentrates on your nipples, or he gives himself a handjob while you lick the head of his dick. The best sex happens when you serve as your partner’s apprentice in the job of giving you pleasure so you get exactly what you want.
Back then, when I was young and naive, I didn’t regard myself as difficult to get off because I have an embarrassingly responsive body. However, I didn’t factor in the fact that I was much better at giving pleasure than my partners were. I didn’t factor in the fact that a handjob, a blowjob, or in any position between my wet thighs, they would come. Whereas I needed to be in certain positions, with both clit and nipple stimulation at the same time, to get the big O. I didn’t factor in the fact that my not being able to come from receiving oral meant that their options for finishing me off were limited to either their dick or their fingers. And I definitely didn’t have the concept of a tab.
The first guy I fucked, I stayed in an exclusive relationship with for years, so luckily I wasn’t going around foisting this unforgiving way of thinking on many men and scarring random gentlemen on the street. But what it meant was that, in my relationship, if I ever surveyed the past week or two of having sex and felt like my guy was coming more often than I was coming, then I worried about whether he really cared about my pleasure. It wasn’t until about a year into my first sexual relationship that I had my Eureka moment.
A friend of mine mentioned she had had amazing sex that day and had made her partner come four times while she hadn’t. She said it so nonchalantly I had to ask: “Well that’s just a special session right? Like a “today-it’s-all-on-me-I’m-going-to-make-you-scream-session”? “It’s like the equivalent of birthday sex, right?” “Right?” Right? Chale, was I surprised to hear nothing but crickets chirping. She told me that her girl came at least three times as often as she did. She wasn’t bragging about it like she made it happen. She just said it like it was a fact, like her girl was three times as responsive as she was. But at least afterwards she is really sad she cheated you and tries to make up for it, right? The next session she doesn’t come and she makes sure it’s all about you, right? I asked mournfully. The chick said no. That was just how their sex life was structured. She was often the giver of pleasure and her partner was the receiver and she didn’t have to come for her to classify the sex as good.
I was perplexed that she didn’t feel more cheated. If coming was not the ultimate goal then what was? I rationalized that maybe it was because it was sex between two women. Maybe this not coming while your partner did was a lesbian thing. But I talked to another couple about it, a heterosexual couple, and discovered they had the same dynamic. She was the giver. He was the receiver. They had sex every day but she came maybe once every two weeks while he came every.single.time. And she was fine with that. She didn’t consider the relationship uneven and she didn’t feel like the roles were static or fixed. She just felt like there would come some point in their sex life where he would make it up to her. She would have some super-responsive period where she would be coming five times during a session and his job would just be to make it happen. She would just put it on his tab. Was this a woman thing? Maybe we were just conditioned to be pleasure-givers? I asked another couple, a man and a woman. This time the guy was the giver and the woman was the receiver. He said the same thing. He liked watching her lose control and he was sure some time in their sex life would arise when he was coming all over the place. Until that day he would just put it on her tab.
This information blew my little mind, I tell you. But the minute I learnt about the concept of a tab, my entire sex life changed. I stopped thinking about my boyfriend as a premature ejaculator because he could never stay inside me for the ten minutes of penetration required for me to come from vaginal intercourse. I stopped getting hurt and perplexed at how a nice sensitive guy could be so selfish, if after he came he just wanted to hold me and wasn’t interested in getting the ting back up so he could fuck me till I came. I stopped getting hurt if the first thing on his mind after coming wasn’t fingering me or going down on me immediately so we didn’t lose the momentum we had built up. I didn’t lie there beside him watching the orgasm I was so close to get farther and farther away and think “Well, that was a disappointment. I guess I just got cheated.”
I just developed the concept of an account, like the kind you have at your local chop bar or with your akpeteshie seller, where they know you are not going anywhere and you will pay your bill when your salary comes so you can eat or drink for free and then settle your bill later. I just started telling myself “He didn’t get me this time; he’ll get me the next time.” And I swear, it changed my life. I stopped seeing an orgasm as the goal of sex and just started seeing finding and giving pleasure as the goal. If I was really close and I felt like this one diee if I don’t finish I’ll be walking around with the female equivalent of blue balls, then my boyfriend would just finger me till I came. If that didn’t work he’d grab me in a bear hug from behind and kiss my neck and I’d touch myself or get my vibrator out and make it happen. But if I hadn’t been blue-clit-level close when he came, then he would just get me off the next time. This account concept really helped my sex life.
My boyfriend stopped feeling inadequate and spending all his time in bed with me remembering the definitions of words or matching countries with capitals or doing whatever trick guys use so they don’t come so fast. So he was more present and even more engaged and more eager to stop the penetrative sex to do something else and then go back to it when he was feeling less aroused. And most importantly, we both stopped looking at him coming as the end of the sex. We stopped seeing sex as a thing with set sessions: round one, round two, round three, half-time. Our sex life all just became one mixed-up bag of touching and sucking and fucking and coming. And it was great. Now I look back at my OCD score sheet and cringe.
So, Adventurers, what did you have to rethink about sex in the course of your sexual life? What silly rule did you have to throw out of the window? What belief did you formerly think was the fairest and most reasonable thing in the world until you discovered that it just didn’t translate to real life? I’ve told you mine so tell me yours.
17 comments On Guest Contributor Voluptous Voltarian: Just put it on my sexual tab
(Walks in on thread)… Ah!!! Alas!!! Someone to give us “addictive” (almost) daily “shots”, comme ATS!!! (Wallks of to go get dairy)… (Whispering) there’s more than enough funny tales of EarlyStageMyths in there…. P.S: Herh, Malaka Gyekye!!! You’ve been summoned!!! You have 7 days to report here with a good excuse and “stuff” for days on end… Failure to do so…….
Do NOT for a motherfrigggggin SECOND tell me that the writer is my MALAKA!! If that is the case, I am going to go NUUUUUUUTS, completely and utterly so. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYET, I would never have guessed!!! Oooya
MALAKA-IS IT YOU?! A yes or no will do.
African Mami, abeg ooo!!!! No put me for trouble ooo!!!! Guess this is a case of Trouble Dey Sleep, Yanga Go Wake Am… All I was trying to do was commend VV… She seems to be the only post ATS Adventurer who keeps it coming on a fairly regular basis… Maybe its too early to tell, maybe the guy up in my head was trying to “con” her into keeping it coming… Maybe…. And with the mention of ATS, I just had to ask the question on Many-A-Mind… Where is Malaka??? I really doubt she’s the one… She’s been MIA over at our other meeting place… Abi u know??? Ok, ok… Seems I’m derailing the thread so I’ll run off now, and return with that dairy… Cheers.
@Afrikan Mami – I know we’ve already had this conversation on twitter but for the benefit of everyone else, VV is not Malaka.
@Ebenezer – “She seems to be the only post ATS Adventurer who keeps it coming on a fairly regular basis”…Ermmm, what do I spend my time doing on Adventures?
Well, Ma’am hats off to you… I keep hitting that refresh button sake of you… (Yup, shame on me… I’m yet to grace Adventures with a post of my own)… Aha!!! To the matter at hand… I was a classic church kid; choir, evangelism, vigils… Until testosterone came along!!! Damn You, MaleHormones!!!… I had always strongly believed in the strong spiritual bond that is created when two people “connect”… Now this led to a series of funny phases… I was particular about who I kissed and had penetrative sex with, yet I was a sucker (wonder if the pun’s intended) for oral sex… So at a point in time, it was head and nothing more for me…. Then, I got skeptical about in mouth spilling… “What if she swallowed???”… And all the bizarre thoughts of what my seedlings could be used for… Biggest of all was my fear of letting semen touch the ground… Stems from the story of the man who was struck dead after his semen spilled unto the ground… Apparently, he was having sex with his deceased brothers wife and had no intentions of fathering a child with her to continue the family lineage, as tradition prescribed… He just wanted a shag… First time mine spilled on the floor, save the lady in the bathroom with me, I’d probably have knelt to pick it!!!! That would have been awkward… So, I’ve been in a steady relationship going on four years so all that and more has happened… I’ve come a long way and along the road, dispelled a lot of my superstitions and inhibitions… Or have I??? Cheers
this was my misconceptn abt sex that i threw out:
i never had an orgasm from consensual sex until i was 26 (no wait that’s only last year! muhahaha!) and so i used to think that the pleasure i felt from penetration & my clit being played with etc was the orgasm. so i used to wonder why this orgasm was so different from the one you have when you masturbate. then my ex made me cum for the first time in my life thru sex last year and i knew the difference. o how i miss my ex! (it’s 2 weeks since we broke up and countin). maybe all of you can do one good deed today by givin me tips on how to get him back 🙂
Nana, as to how I happened to see your post and think it was VV’s baffles me… I don’t get it… Wasn’t until after my post that I realized my error… Sincerest apologies… Abeg no vex, my comment was in no way meant to undermine your efforts… You are the reason we are here… Guess I was being shallow by regarding your posts as expected due to your position as an administrator… For the record YOU set the post ATS ball rolling… Now, now.. BearHugs, butterflies in the background and a promise to at least offer a post… Can we shake hands on that??? (Batting eyelids)
@Ebenezer-Hahaha. Bear hug right back, and shaking hands all at the same time…I feel happier now 🙂
@Ekuba I now understand why u want your ex back for the wonderful things he had been doing in the bedroom or anywhere else lol! It will be easy to get him back if all that it was is that you were refusing him sex sometimes. If thats really the case then you need to invite him for a chat and reassure him that this is not how it will be all the time. That you needed space to deal with issues from your childhood. Just have that frank conversation and to establish that you are both sexually compatible bcos there is nothing painful than have a long term partner or wife who is frequently saying she is not in the mood for whatever reason. You need have that closure so that you can move on if he will be very honest and frank with you. Once that converation has taken place it is easier to give you tips for getting him back.
@VV I used to think that going down on a woman is kinky and dirty. Even now it has to be in long term relationship and not a relationship that has just started. Perhaps I still have a long way to go but I guess there is always room for learning.
@ Ebenezer: You have made me laugh so hard I must have woken up the neighbors. That is too funny. You were our very own-modern day Onan heh? Afraid to waste the good stuff on the ground? I almost wish you had picked it up and i could have seen the expression of the girl you were with. That is classic man. I love how your ambivalence was not about getting head but about what happened to your swimmers afterwards. That is probably the most interesting thing about sexual hang-ups and conditioning. Our desire to engage in sexual acts leads to the most interesting kinds of rationalizations. Oh chale, Scrooge you have made my day with that one. You were sooo Scroogish and chisel you were chisel with cum too. Rotflmao. Thanks for sharing. Oh and kudos for the apology to Nana; It takes an evolved soul to do that. I approve. The truth is she posts more than all of us combined 🙂
@ African Mami: I wish I was Malaka! Reading the entire ATS story in one sitting was the highlight of my day a few weeks back. I would be honored to be in such esteemed company. I have always wanted to write an erotic series but i never seem to find the time 🙁 Malaka is one of my heroes.
On to other more important things though: What are you trying to do to me with that picture of Jason Momoa up there? I thought you were a cyber-friend but it is clear now that you are trying to make me disgrace myself in public and walk around with a wet spot on my skirt. I rebuke you oooooo!
@ Ekuba: Your anecdote has so much resonance with me chale. I have all these mini-orgasms and squirting orgasms in addition to the big vaginal-clitoral-combo-goes-throughout-my-body-O and though i have always known that I wasn’t coming from penetration sometimes it was so hard to explain to my guy that i hadn’t come and that what he had felt was just my body responding to a surge of pleasure. I sympathize. Cos chale, I agree with you, once you get to come you know papa. It is clear that all the little things that happened before were just the minor leagues. I hope you and your ex can work it out. Men who make us come from sex don’t come around every day.
@ Kweku: Do you have similar hangups about getting blown? Or just with going down on women you aren’t in a long-term relationship with? I have actually heard this from more than one guy so I don’t think you are in a minority with your views. There is always room for learning so don’t worry you’ll get there. And I say that with no snark or condescension, chale. I always think back on myself and how I used to hate the idea of doggy-style before i started having sex. I thought it was degrading and debasing and could not for the life of me understand why a guy would want to fuck me on all fours like an animal and not even look at my face while he was doing it. When i was a teenager I swore i would never do it and even when i started having sex I kept hoping my guy would never try to put me in that position only to have to discover how uptight i was about it. In my case, the reasoning was actually that i thought it wasn’t intimate. I thought it was kind of removed and distant. Boy, was i wrong. i don’t even remember how i ended up doing it the first time but not only was it amazing position-wise cos it allowed other parts of my body to be stimulated more easily but i discovered i just loved the guy’s breath on my neck and his weight on my back and his thighs on my butt and a thousand other things. It turned out being soo much more intimate than i had ever anticipated and i became a fan.
awwwww!! Yeah, at my client being someone’s hero!! Thanks on her behalf loool!! Your writing hun is what wet dreams were made of! Maybe I should take you on as a client too, but remember Malaka has my heart! Hmmmmmm!
He looks scrumptious don’t he?!
@ Kweku: thx for the advice. discussion has bn scheduled with the boo. and in a very seductive setting too. wish me luck 🙂
@ VV: yep, once you get the big O you KNOW for sure, hehehe
@VV Very funny! Definitely no hang up getting blown. In my defence its not the same abi. Serving and being served is not the same is it?
My man Kweku, if only you knew what pleasures abound in giving pleasure!!! With just little licks and flicks, make a perfectly sane woman behave as though she were re enacting a scene from the Exorcism of Emily Rose… My! My!! My!!! NuffSaid… Ehe!!! Ekuba and VV, I’ve heard the two boff of you speak about your love for male homoerotism… But ummmm, riddle me this… Is it that you are attracted to the act or just seeing two (attractive) studs oozing testosterone??? Why do I ask?? Well, I reckon most of what you’ve seen and liked featured caucasian and latino Abercrombie Modelesque studs… Ripped biceps, washboard abs, great smile??? Oh, not hairy BeerBellied men… But in your defense, you propose that men wouldn’t get turned on seeing unattractive women engaged in “OneTwo,OneTwo”… Think again… Men see boobs, butt, vajayjays… One solid boner coming right up… So pray tell, is your (supposed) love for male gay sex because you really love seeing men shag each other or its propelled by the amount of “ManNess” you see and take those images to FantasyLand, this time, featuring you??? Cheers!!!
@ Ebenezer Scrooge:with regards to my love for homoerotism, i am BOTH attracted to the sexual act btwn 2 men & to the men involved in it themselves. what turns me on about a sexual act btwn 2 guys? the fact that even without me (or any woman) the 2 guys can get it on in all kinds of ways, lol. it’s almost as if they are so hot for each other that they dont care whether i (or another woman) is around or not, party goes on! now that’s hot! i’m turned on by the fact that the 2 guys share somethin passionate that i’m not allowed 2 join in. it’s almost as if i’m spyin on some secret tryst & i find that thrillin. on the other hand, i’m also attracted to the men in it (so if i was to choose gay porn, of course i’d choose one with attractv men). porn’s abt fantasy and so we tend to choose 2 watch ppl we’ll enjoy watchin. as you said, for guys, even if a woman in porn’s unnatractv or morbidly obese or whateva @ least she has boobs, butt, vj etc. but for us women, what else does the guy hv that you can focus on if he’s unnatractv or terribly ‘unfit’? his huge gut? his flabby ass? mayb you could focus on his long dick but wd the dick alone b enof? & what if the dick’s buried in some hole or whateva then what’d you look @ 2 get turned on? i hope u get me? 3 cheers back!
Well i used to think tht any man who goes down on me ‘loved me’. Cos how can a man go down on u and do all these nice things to u, if he didnt want to stay with u forever…i guess i eventually found it it was all part of the sexual act, whether its a one night stand or a long lasting r/ship…
@ Nana Akosua:That is soo touching in a hilarious sort of way.Giggling at “how can a man go down on you and do all these nice things to u, if he didn’t want to stay with u forever.” I could see how you would think that. As women we get so many messages about “down there” that are linked to shame and stuff that a man wanting to put his mouth down there takes on all these notions of intimacy and caring and stuff. We think oral is something they have done for us. When in fact a lot of the time they enjoy it as much as we do, lol. So we accord all this emotional stuff to someone that might just be sexual. I struggle with that too. I have a hard time distinguishing between a great sexual relationship and a great relationship, period. It is like once a man can make me come and be attentive in bed and listen and care and rock my world I extrapolate all those qualities to his character, lol. Like if he is giving in bed I assume he must be a kind person who would give money to a beggar and if he doesn’t I get surprised and a little disappointed, hahahaha. I am yet to learn that a man can be amazing in bed and a disappointment in life.