Guest Contributor Nnenna Marcia on “Self-Love: Five Fingers Good

I am an ardent masturbator.

 I think the right to pleasure yourself should be a human right – and I am not being flippant. Think of how much the STIs would be reduced, maybe eradicated, or how the stress of a pregnancy scare could be avoided. Think about how much more vulnerable your partner would seem if they were able to do this, the most secret act of sex in front of you. Think of how much trust there could be in marriages. Imagine how the oxytocin released – that pesky hormone responsible for bonding you to a fuckwit partner when you KNOW they are bad for you – could help you love yourself. And if you love yourself, then you can love your neighbour as yourself. Peace and goodwill towards all men, can I get an ‘Amen’?
Let’s not even get started on the medical benefits; how a good orgasm can send blood rushing to your skin and head (I masturbate when I get tension headaches. It mellows me right out, and if I go to sleep, so much the better). All those people you see with glowing skin? Masturbators. I should know. I glow like the sun at night.
Ahem! Anyway, it amazes me how many women do not know their own bodies. I am talking women like you, women who know where to find adventuresfrom, women who have their own businesses and careers. What’s more astonishing is that these women would do anything to get ahead in their careers but when it comes to their sex lives, they are willing to let that fall by the wayside. Think about it. You got that promotion because you worked hard for it. When you were five years old you knew you were going to be a doctor and every single step you have taken in your life has lead you to the culmination in a medical degree. So why are you leaving your sex life, your fulfilment up to somebody else? If sex (with someone else) is like riding a bike, solo sex is like LEARNING to ride a bike. You can’t just jump on a bicycle one day and say ‘Oh, I’ll just put one leg in front of the other, I’m sure my body will know what to do’ because next thing you know, you’re kissing pavement and calling on your ancestors to deliver a swift and merciful death because everything hurts so damn much. (Errrr…not like this happened to me or anything.)
I think I blame religion, or the African interpretation of whatever religion is supposed to be. It has made us all prudes. In the old days, the older women would not allow a bride to go to her husband’s house without knowing what they knew. We’re talking women who had to compete with other wives for their husband’s affection over a period of decades. You can tell they knew some real freaky shit. And let’s not even get started on moonlight ‘games’. Do you really believe all the pairings were boy/girl? I’m sure there were some same sex pairings in there, especially among females who wanted to remain intact enough for the wedding night. Plenty more cows for the mothers then!
I couldn’t tell you when I started masturbating. I’ve been doing it all my life and I’m ‘around’ 30. I am married and my husband knows and shares my enthusiasm for self-love, both mine and his. Mostly mine, it has to be said. Which brings us to the other thing, the thing that most Africans give as their reason for avoiding masturbation; well two things. Sexual immaturity and ‘sin’.
A lot of people – especially men – believe that masturbation should stop when they are in a partnership and if that is what you want for yourself as a woman, that is fine. But you should not stop masturbating just because someone thinks you should (and if you don’t want to start either, it’s your choice). I will say however that the sin people refer to is a) Spilling your seed on the ground as laid out in the bible. However, the same sin is propagated when you have sex with a condom. The sperm is not going towards the production of a child and if you must live by the bible in that way, then any time you spill your seed it should go towards making life.  The other sin they refer to involves sinning with yourself in a partnership which is tantamount to cheating. I will say that the sin in this case is the sin of secretiveness. As long as you are open and honest with each other and you do it in front of each other, or with knowledge afore-act  there is no big deal. And if you can’t do it in front of your partner, ask yourself why. What is is that you are shying away from? That is what the sin is.
The sexual immaturity issue is bollocks. So if you have no one or prefer not to be with someone you’re supposed to act like you have Barbie lady parts? No. Sexual maturity involves the ability to not depend SOLELY on anyone for your sexual satisfaction. It involves being able to fulfil your fantasies without fear of judgement. It forces you to think outside the box because you are relying on yourself. You can do it in unusual ways and places; squeezing your thighs around the pole on a crowded train or subway, with your handbag between your thighs on the bus, for instance. Personally, I think the immaturity issue is another way that men with low self-esteem seek to control women. If they can’t control what you think, they sure as hell will control when you have sex – which will be when they want you to have it and no other time.
Now, if masturbation is stopping you from living a full life, say you’re beginning to skip work or time with your family and other social activities that make for a well-rounded individual, then you obviously have a problem which I am not qualified to treat. You should seek help from a psychiatrist, because it is a problem most likely rooted deep within. If you don’t fall into this category, lock your door, strip and enjoy treating yourself.
This is one treat, ladies, that does not go straight to your hips. Imagine! And if you do decide to treat yourself to a good ol’ fashioned dessert, three guesses for what can help you burn this off?

16 comments On Guest Contributor Nnenna Marcia on “Self-Love: Five Fingers Good

  • I couldn’t agree more with you Nnenna. Masturbation: Best stress cure ever, pleasure is almost always guaranteed and STD free. I think masturbation should be taught in schools (only half joking)

  • Well said Nnenna! I’m away from my boo at the moment and have no freaking idea how i’d survive if not for the gift of self-pleasure hmmm. Sad thing is that masturbation satisfies only 50% of my sexual needs & so currently, i’m 50% desirous of having sex all the freaking time. i swear, my bff is irritated cause all i talk about these days is sex. asem o! I don’t find any other man attractive and would never dream of cheating on my man though. So you guys should please give me tips of how to survive this ‘sexual hunger’ hahaha. i have 3 months more till i see my baby and it feels like a 100 yrs! help me folks before i die from sexual starvation lol

  • Better than i had expected! well written nnenna. Self love has taught and is teaching me alot about about myself..

  • Thank you ladies. @Ekuba: For the other 50% you might want to try phone sex. Dirty talk + mutual masturbation? WHOOSH! (That’s what an orgasm sounds like in my head.)

    Ooh la la! Aren’t we lucky that as ladies we don’t really need visual stimuli? (A trait M&B makes mad money from, I might add!)

  • @ Nnena, thanks for the advice oh! sweetheart, we have been having regular phone AND skype sex but i’m still not satisfied! i mean, obviously i sleep better at night after the phone sex but i have a huge sex deficit that doesnt seem to be going away. i’m having the feeling one feels when one doesnt get enough sleep only that in my case i’m not getting enough sex and it’s killing me. maybe i’m just an oliver twist? (apologies to dbanj,lol). So please, if you know of any other method i can use, i need your urgent help lol. i’m dying, i swear. literally, i’ve become so sex obsessed it’s not even a joke. my bff keeps joking that she knows one of these days i’ll be arrested for raping someone the way i’m going. hmmmm. helpl!!!

  • Ah, Ekuba. Luckily for you, rape is not about sex but power, so I don’t think you’re in any danger!

    As for the other thing, as your doctor I can only up your dosage. I can’t try different medication since this one has some effect. Now, go fill out your script.

  • @ Nnena: mmmm, why didnt i think of that? if it’s getting me 50% satisfied i just have to turn up the heat so it meets the other 50% right? omg, my boyfriend is going to be soooo grateful to you!!! off i go to make ‘that call’ hahahaha.

    PS: of course what my bff was saying is bolosh. rape is always about power and not really arousal or sex. Mmuah

  • @ Nnnena: i used ‘bolosh’ because I have promised myself not to use curse words for at least 6 months so please that word which doesnt mean anything with a similar sounding swear word. byeeee

  • typo galore! meant to say replace ‘bolosh’ with a certain similar sounding word which means nonsense 🙂 and, while i’m at it, thanks for your advice, it’s working already hahaha ( i’m taking a break from a very interesting phone call to type this, let your imagination run wild, hahaha)

  • Yes, I got what you were trying to say. It’s not your fault you were not typing correctly. You were sex-addled. I completely understand! You are taking a break? That is good. Drink some fluids too. Lord knows you;re losing some, LOL.

  • Yes, LAWD!!

    In Africa, anything sexual is considered a sin!!

    I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned it here before or not, but I remember reading a case in the newspaper a few years ago about a woman in the village, who was so surprised by her husband’s “sexually deviant acts”, which she deemed, animalistic. Why? He wanted to do her doggy style, hit it from the back.From what I gathered, this lady would not have her lady parts eh, orally pleased, much less anything else, that was not missionary style. What a bore?! Why? Because of her religious beliefs. She was a Christian, nko nko. The kind that would be the first to disappear with Jesus during the rapture.

    My point in telling this story is this, a LOT of African women are sexually repressed, as a result of culture and religion! There are so many ties that bind us.

    Now, we have Nnenna here talking about loving self through masturbation. Heiiiiiii!!! This post is tantamount to ashewo behaviors! Nnnena does not want African women to enter the pearly gates of heaven to kiss the feet of Jesus and worship with the 24 elders!

    As for me and my house, I welcome such eh, liberating thoughts!! Great writing girl.

    PS: This is said in love oo, please space out the post in paragraph form. Reading it was kind of hard! Muah!!

  • African Mami, I think it might be the format of the website? It was spaced out before. It’s either that or I need to type in MS before I attach as file and send. I have been typing in the body of the message. I apologise to Nana and you guys. Won’t happen again.

    And thanks. You’re right o.Sometimes, it’s us women that kill ourselves. I remember another case where there was this Women’s convention in church and a lot of the married women were confessing (on stage) about how their husbands wanted anal – to OTHER PEOPLE! OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE! IN PUBLIC!

    I mean, what is ANYONE’S business with what goes on in your bedroom? If you don’t want then tell your husband you don’t want.

    That’s not the worst bit: About 80% of the men were pastors of the same church! LOL. Imagine everyone knowing your sexual preferences, ah-ahn! Women sometimes have no shame.

    Then tomorrow when a woman who likes doggy jams your husband you’ll start crying and going from pillar to post. Foolishness.

  • @Nnenna

    I really don’t blame the women at the convention for making these confessions.

    Our culture looks at anal sex, as being sexually deviant, and as per these women’s Christian beliefs, I think it is safe to assume that the Bible does not subscribe to it, as I said before it is seen as being-animalistic behavior. Hence, making it a sin by default. We are not only a miseducated lot, but brainwashed too! I want to believe that the convention is a “safe place” in which women or attendees are at ease to share, in order to help each other out.

    It is crucial that sex ed, is made part and parcel of our learning curriculum, esp. in high school-offered at an accelerated level-in that students are able to openly engage, ask, remove the mystique, critique the tabooness of it in our culture! I’m honestly tired of religion being one of the many hindrances to the liberation of our sex and sexuality understanding. Honestly, I do NOT want to hear of pastors/bishops/imams-you name it, talking to us about these matters! They are very limited in scope, VERY!

  • u know, there shd be a “like” button. There’s really nothing like just relaxing n pleasuring urself without worrying abt anybody but urself!

  • couldnt agree more!! i have been doing it since i was 9. i recently stop using toys and have gone back to just using my fingers. some reasons fingers seem more intimate than toys lol

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