…is what I said to my bestie as we were having another one of our transcontinental Skype conversations. The thought had never dawned on me before, but in that moment it made perfect sense! But let me backtrack and tell you how I arrived at that hypothesis…..
My friend (lets call her Akosua) has had a run of guys who are down with going down (the lucky thing, I’m not in the least bit jealous I swear 🙂 I don’t just mean they’re happy to oblige as part of foreplay in a ‘you do me, I’ll do you’ kind of way, but that they use the promise of good cunnilingus to entice you. It’s all ‘I want to go down on you for hours’, ‘I’m going to suck on your clit and make you come so hard so many times’ etc and so how can a girl resist sampling this guy’s skills even if she’s not that attracted to him. Then when he does spend hours going down on you, turns out to be pretty damn good at it and gives you multiple orgasms all night long, he’s kind of got you hooked. So even a guy who irritates the hell out of you outside of the bedroom manages to talk his way into your bedroom because the way he works his tongue leaves you begging for more.
I should mention that all of the guys in question have been of African descent. Now traditionally, way back when, these guys had a reputation of not being down with going down. So why the turn around we wondered as we were discussing Akosua’s latest sexual conquest? I figured they like the feeling of power derived from making their partner feel really good but that even if they didn’t really enjoy going down on you, they would do so if it meant they were able to hook up with a girl who otherwise likely wouldn’t be interested. Now here’s the interesting bit. Akosua, being the forthright outspoken woman she is put my theory to her latest conquest and guess what? He actually admitted that giving oral pleasure was a way of ensuring that the women he pleasured came back for more.
Now, the other thing Akosua has experienced is guys who are all about giving you pleasure but who have erectile dysfunction issues. No matter what you do they find it nigh on impossible to get hard and stay hard so penetrative sex is not happening. Again this wasn’t an isolated happening but had happened with last 3 or 4 guys Akosua has slept with recently. There’s been some discussion in the British media recently about how women, in striving for equality, have managed to outperform men academically and in the workplace and about how that might affect the self esteem of some men. People are becoming concerned that men might be feeling immasculinated and women are being urged to advance their cause in a way that shows sensititvity towards men. Anyway, I got to wondering whether men feeling impotent outside of the bedroom was leading to a crisis of confidence and associated impotence IN the bedroom in some cases. I also wondered whether the increased willingness to perform oral sex might, in part, be an attempt at glossing over erectile dysfunction issues.
You’ll call me cynical. And many of the men reading this will protest that they love giving oral pleasure just for the sake of it, but there will also be a number of men who’ll admit that every word I’ve written is true. Men, which camp do you fall into? And Women, do you find men are using the promise of oral sex as a hook to get you into the sack? Lets chat.
11 comments On Guest Contributor Adwoa: Men are only getting into the pussy so they can control the pussy…
considering that i am a GREAT fan of the kisses down low, cunnilingus is a a primary selling point for me.
i’ve never been one to hide this affinity so i always assumed that men boasted of their skills because they knew i liked it rather than it being a general thing.
i can see how men would use it to cover up ED, african men in particular have never been one to accept any dysfunction well. personally i have never encountered anyone that couldn’t deliver in the thrust as they did in the suck. Are men at my end of the world just freakier and just genuinely like giving head more? i dont know.
Ei! Oh my God. There was a guy who kept on begging me – for three years – just to let him go down on me. SO that was control? If yes, me saying no for that long while was my oww control too. #titfortat
The power of the pussy lies with the owner. So how a man is going to control that if you don’t allow him, is beyond me.
Hahahaha @Nnenna you crack me up.
I identify with this blog post in so many ways. The way to my body is definitely through some oral love 🙂
I also identify with a few truths in the post. I once dated a guy that I had nothing in common with and wouldn’t consider my type… but by Jove! that guy could give head… The relationship lasted for 3 months,it was a heady 3 months I’ll say!!
CONFIRMED!!! That is absolutely true!!!
I got into a sort of dating game with a girl I really didn’t love or want to be with after a bad break up with my ex. While she (new girl) was waiting for me to upgrade her status to a full blown girlfriend, I was plotting to get into her pants with no srings attached. So on our last date before I broke the news to her that I couldn’t date her any longer, I pulled all the strings I could and made sure she had a night of full (cunninligus) bliss. Right after, she handed over to me the keys to her Condo and all I have to do whenever I “get the itch” is walk through the door unannounced.
Trust me, it works like magic…lol
@AM I completely agree with you. Ultimately we control our own pussys as@Nnenna says but some forces such as love and lust can make it easier for us to be manipulated as @VancouverB demonstrates.
Guiltyyyyyy!!!! Lol. Why do y’all think I dated my BF as long as I did? The guy freaking knew how to give head! But it got to the point where I realized that good sex couldn’t make up for his underperformance in other areas… So I agree with AM, we’re our own masters & no one can control your pussy if you don’t let him
Adwoa — “There’s been some discussion in the British media recently about how women, in striving for equality, have managed to outperform men academically and in the workplace and about how that might affect the self esteem of some men. People are becoming concerned that men might be feeling immasculinated and women are being urged to advance their cause in a way that shows sensititvity towards men.” Clearly the British have first world problems resulting in too much time on their hands to come up with recommendations on ‘women’s sensitivity towards men and their issues’.
You don’t say whether the discssion was prompted by a study, if it was – who conducted it and for what purpose? Who sponsored it? What were the research & sampling methods etc.
I’ve learned to take studies, reports and statistics with a pinch of salt – it’s too easy to manipulate the statistics towards a desired outcome. Furthermore, I evaluate my reality and that of my community in relation to the statistics, study or report. For instance, in the context of Zambia I would ask “what (gender) equality?” In 49 years of independence from colonial (and persisting neo-colonialism) rule, how many female presidents or female vice presidents? Zero. It took 48 years of post-independence before a woman was appointed Chief Justice and chief executive of the Judiciary and even then her appointment and that of her deputy also female was declared temporary. Previously when males were appointed except where there were extenuating circumstances there was nothing temporary about the appointment. Of 150 seats in the Zambian Parliament (this number may have altered in the last year) women do not make up even two fourths of the members of parliament – by head count.
I can count on one hand the number of female ministers in Cabinet and most of those positions are not powerful and influential such as Minister of Defence, Minister of Home Affairs, Minister of Finance, Minister of Foreign Affairs or Ministry of Agriculture. If we consider the nuances of heirarchy in Zambian society; a white man (albeit citizen of Zambia) was appointed and holds the position of vice president. A white man was given an opportunity at shaping and influencing policy at that level before a black Zambian women.
How many top businesses, law firms or banks are owned or headed by women? Some women have been successful in small and medium enterprises but not nearly enough due to lack of access to opportunities, credit, funds or other resources. It’s one thing to put large numbers of girls and women successfully through school, college and university but quite another thing to translate those successful graduations into (key) positions of influence, authority and power that snowball into policies and strategies that result into more women in positions of authority and influence uplifting more women financially and socially.
How many girls and women exercise their reporoductive rights or even determine when and where to have safe sex (dating, courting, marriage or otherwise)? how many women have the freedom to express their sexuality? – far too few; men and boys have the upper hand.
About a year ago there was a case involving a young women (in her early twenties) who was charged with pornography (and all the implications that come with that – making pornographic material, distributing pornographic materials, corrupting public morals etc.) under the criminal laws of Zambia. Briefly – she and her boyfriend filmed themselves having sex. The footage was leaked – she denies leaking the footage. As most common law systems go – you’re innocent until proven guilty. This young girl was villified in the print and online media and declared guilty in the court of public opinion even before her trial. Her name was everywhere but her boyfriend – not only was he not charged but his names were sealed from the public ( and distribution through court documents) and he remained largely anonymous. The tragedy for me in all this was the silence of the women’s rights groups (in fact some of the women’s groups sacrificed her on the alter of defending public morals). Bottom line she was declared guilty and an opportunity to address sexual rights in the country went begging.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been opposed, denounced, disobeyed and castigated publicly and privately (simply) because I had a supportive mother, I liked school and I stuck with it long enough to get my papers and they are part of the authority on which I base my ability to opine, comment, dissent, analyse, criticise, develop solutions to problems and create challenges for others (the other parts are character and life experiences). I’ve been ridiculed and castigated publicly because I’m educated and not ashamed of it and because I often like to find solutions instead of kicking the problem down the line. Women often have to work twice as hard as their male peers – I know I have! so I find it hard to dumb down to stroke male ego and I don’t believe I should have to. I will and do respect men as fellow human beings but that does not mean I should defer and trust a man blindly and without question merely becaue he has a penis.
“…Women should advance their cause in a way that shows sensitivity towards men?” to paraphrase someone or the other ‘cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it!’ It seems a certain group of men and/or women (as per their mo) are taking a tool (movement for the equality of women) intended to empower women and making it about themselves.
Erectile dysfunction is a problem (if my sexual partner had it, it would probably be a big problem but we’d work our way through it) but tying the self esteem issues, ego, complexes etc challenging men to the sensitivity or lack thereof of the women’s movement for the equality of women leaves me slackjawed.
A boss once pointed this out to me as I held a pity party for one and complained about how tough it was for me to work in our field especially as a young black woman in Africa. He pointed out that I had decided that I wanted to sit at the table and I was at the table. Instead of complaining about how tough it was to get there or complaining about the vicious and sociopathic tendencies of the people at the table – I should focus on (a) moving to a bigger, better table (b) creating my own table (with my own rules) or (c) becoming like the people at the table and beating them at their own game. It snapped me out of my pity party mode. Erectile dysfunction is a problem and its affecting black men however, I cannot help but think within the context of women’s rights and female empowerment; erectile dysfunction = first world problem. I sympathize, really I do but there are doctors, medicines, herbs, therapy and choices out there. I would like a ‘pop a pill’ or see a doctor solution for half the discrimination, disempowerment and human rights abuses women such as my grandmother experience(d) – non-performance in the bedroom is the least of your worries when your husband’s relatives just dispossessed you of all the real, personal and other property you and your husband spent years accumulating through your hard work bearing in mind that he’s (husband) just died and you have 2.5 children to raise.
I dated Zimbabwean man who wouldn’t go down on a woman as a rule ‘I don’t do that shit’ and declared he didn’t like receiving head either ‘I won’t come’ he had a thing for post-coitus showers as well so I concluded that he must have a repressed thing with sex being dirty. The sex was AMAZING, his skills with his fingers and his dick more than compensated. Outside the bedroom we had little in common, I’ve always been attracted to men in a ‘meeting of the minds’ kind of way so it was curiously heady to experience a relationship that was fuelled by physical chemistry. I weaned him off the showers but we and burned when the ‘in love[with his dick]’ phase passed and the mundaneness of daily life brought my feminist views into a head-on collision with his alpha-male type traditionalist views.
great post… I think I may have an little of a different take on men whom beg to go down on you. Sure while it may be a tactic for men to get you in the bedroom but really is that such a bad thing to be pleasured and be begged to be worshiped in this way by men.
Personally I agree with one of the above comments. I think Africans men do have alot on their mind, their are having to compete with woman, have high expectations and in some cases are treated worse them woman in society so they do have alot of mental issue’s that their dealing with in the bedroom and I think it is a gift to the them to not have to get hard, to not have to penetrate the woman,I wondering why we can’t see this as a gift and a beautiful service from these men oppose to them wanting to control us and someone how take advantage of them. I mean this is why we all have clitoris’s right,
INfact the female clitoris is the only human species that has a organ that was simply made for pleasure men don;t have this little gift from God so certainly when we are begged or asked to have it pleasured we should be honored. Another lady said up above that we control our own bodies, men do not want to harm us, they are natural givers,protectors and natural pleaser’s for goodness sakes I say allow them to do such as often as they like and thank you for a change maybe the other man from Zimbabwe will get a clue to worship a woman’s body in this way.. How dare he not want to lick and pleasure the place that he came from…. This is such a beautiful post, thank you for posting it…<3