As I mentioned in the vlog, I didn’t have my first sexually induced orgasm until two years into my marriage. It’s not because my husband is a crap lover, but rather because I had 18 years’ of experience of playing at the same role: faking the achievement of absolute pleasure.
Eventually, with some coaching and some mental calisthenics on my part, I finally achieved my first orgasm that didn’t include a fantasy about shoes of shopping. And for any woman who climaxes regularly during sex, she will tell you that it is an achievement. A female orgasm, like goals in a premier league football match, are not easy to attain.
Unlike men who mostly get off on physical stimulation (not all men of course), I think that women experiencing orgasms have as much to do with the mind. For African women, who carry the weight of their world on their shoulders every day, achieving an orgasm can be even more difficult because we have so many concerns to get past mentally: Issues of guilt, trying to please our partner, putting his physical needs above ours, and settling for what we get as we have been trained to do as “good women”. Of course, there are those of us who rebel, which is why Adventures exists!
I have a friend who says that she doesn’t even DEAL with guys who refuse or hesitate to go down on her. She has decided that she will always get off first, and see to his needs second. This is wise policy, because of all the effort it takes to achieve an orgasm. If you have a lazy lover, it’s as bad as having a lazy striker on your team. He (or she) has to have the drive to get the ball into the net!
A passionate lover is so essential to achieving orgasms. I have yet another friend who dated a guy who told her it was his SOLE goal to make her cum. Every. Single. Time. And true to his word, he wouldn’t stop until he had her calling on every known deity and pleading for whatever came to mind. When she encountered men whose negotiations included the phrase “Ahhh, well, if I have to go down on you in order for you to go down on me, then I won’t do it”, then expected to pound the stuffing out of her, she promptly sent them back to sender.
Ah! I WISH I had the gall to do this is my younger days. TWO decades wasted! No, no, my sisters. Life is short. Have orgasms.
*Sorry for all the football analogies. I have Ghana v Egypt on the brain today. 🙂
32 comments On The Resolute Pursuit of Orgasms
Happy orgasim! I personally put myself first, make sure I scream the hell out before he starts moaning my NAME!!
You’re so pretty & I love your hair in the video!& yay, you finally watched adams apples!I agree 100% with everything you said. As for the straight men who don’t go down on a women (& there are a lot of them out there) there’s a special place in hell reserved for y’all, especially those of you who expect to get head but won’t return it. Lovely vlog!
@Yaa Baby: I don’t know why the phrase “I make sure I scream the hell out” made me laugh but it did! Lol!!! You gwan gurl.
@Ekuba: As for you, I owe you a debt papa! I’m sure my kids aren’t happy with my new tv habit, but I sure the hell am! Thank you for all the lovely compliments about my appearance. I needed that booster…
I want to do a vlog responding to your question as to what an orgasm feels like 🙂
Loved this vlog BFFFL. Ayeekoo
I have to say I am loving all the spontaneous innovation on Adventures. Vlogs, passing down our Grandmother’s stories, creative fiction series, personal stories…
My job here is almost done 🙂
As for me, I’m a raw snitch. Nana is trying to leave us. Are we going to let her? Hells naw!!!
Your blog is quite alarming and scary because you are definitely a better woman than me, to be almost two decades without any sexual gratification and insufficiency. Sex is sex no matter what race or ethnicity you come from and when your getting dirty with your man, I don’t understand how a “good woman” would factor in. As a woman I have concluded that we are too damn concern about what the man is thinking. Your mind has to be free to be able to enjoy sex because it is where the orgasm takes place. If you lay down thinking that you won’t go down on him because he won’t go down on you, guess what that hung up will only create indifference which will clout the brain that is essentially needed for sex. Yes, you should go for yours, but never negating his needs because a man can be just as intuitive as women can be and they shouldn’t be underestimated. Down-town struggles are solved with good love, next thing you know he is working it. All I can say is FREE YOUR MIND AND REST WILL FOLLOW.
Of course it’s alarming! It’s a tragedy! One that I’m trying to save other women from! I guess the “good woman” thing is culturally specific. Nana, Ekuba n them might know what I’m referring to. Or maybe not…
Is the “good woman” truly a cultural thing because most Ghanaian men in and out of Ghana speak contrary to that. In fact they have verbalized their discontent with their women about being too conventional in bed (which I hope the women here can shed some light on what their men are talking about). Unfortunately, I have heard this conversation before from my African American girlfriends. Can it be that the black woman is just to hard on themselves and their men. I heard a Christian black comedian say that no man was a Proverbs 31 (virtuous woman) in bed, but a Levi 105. My AA girlfriends had many hung-ups that made them too stiff when it came to love. I often reminded them that it was ok to be emotionally exposed, even if the outcome was not everlasting.
@ Lioness: they claim that their wives are too conventional in bed but i bet you that these same people will never marry a woman who’s not conventional. There was a reason why they all married their wives & not the mistresses who give them so much sexual fulfilment.I once dated a married man who told me point blank that he was head over heels in love with his wife but she wasn’t risque enough in bed (he felt comfortable enough to tell me this cos i let him know that i was only in it for money since I was going through financial hardships at that time) I knew this was true because i was in the same women’s fellowship with her & she would frequently talk about how she’d never walk around naked in the house because it’s not ladylike, & about how wives should lie back & have sex with their hubbies even if they’re not into it & she used to talk about how oral & anal sex were demonic but hardly knew that her hubby enjoyed doing them to small small girls paa cos i was barely 24 at the time i was banging her hubby who was in his 50s so could have been my dad(to be further discussed in the blog post i’ll write entitled ‘sex & the church’ this is just a teaser) This same guy boldly told me that he would be freaked out & disgusted if his wife performed certain sex acts on him eg: sucking his dick (which he expected me to perform regularly though)& he would sometimes complain if her top was low-cut in their own freaking home!!! So the morale of the story is, please don’t believe what these guys say. They want a freak in bed but they don’t want to marry that freak. Trust me, i should know lol
Ekuba has said it all MASI. And I believe the ‘good woman’ archetype is fairly universal. Obviously it plays out differently in different contexts but at its root its the same…
I have read and understood your reply, but I still care to differ about why men don’t leave their wives for their mistresses and is not because of the sex, but for the trust. You see a man will not make a jump-off a wife unless he really, really, really wants to be out there. I have come in contact with lots of men and not through sexual encounters, but through my profession. Black men were the most reluctant to marry their jump-offs, while Whites and Latinos would parade their new wives around. 90% of my good friends are straight black men and all of my relationships with them remain platonic.
Now, from experience, I can tell you that a man that cheats will not perform those acts with his wife because of 2 main reasons:
1. because the woman would know that he is up to
no good. So, he uses reverse psychology with
behaving prudish with his wife, as a sign of
“respect” that he treats her has a lady.
2. If he does the same things that he does with his
mistress and he is caught cheating. It will crush
him to even think about her doing it with another
man, if they divorce. So, he doesn’t trouble her
because less is better for him that can supplement
his needs in the land of plenty.
Most married men are not going to leave their wives because at the end of the day a lover can’t be trusted and at least the woman he demonizes to his lover is the only saint he knows. However, I was not really talking about cheating men, but sex as a whole. From my understanding there is a great number of unmarried women sexing up and getting married in their late 20s early 30s. My point is that not generally speaking, there seems to be a substantial complaint from black men about the approach their black women take towards sex. To the fact that many of the black men are being lured by women from other races. If culture is the prime reason for unsatisfied sexual encounters amongst blacks, that should easily be rectified. I mean if you are willing to be a freak in your 20s with a 50 year old for financial gain, then I think the women should not put up an act when they get married (sorry not personal just used you as an example because I know you are real). At the end of the day men can talk what they want, if you drop it like its hot from the get go he will be stuck like chuck. Women just need to stop having diarrhea of the mouth and telling their man everything about their past. Specifics are not always needed because the more some people know about you is the more trouble you get yourself into. This policy is not deceit, but truth that should be practiced for self preservation.
Ekuba, do you mind if I take your mic and drop it FOR you?
@ Malaka: yes! drop that mic like kanye west! lol
@ Lioness: but you have misunderstood me o! I’m also not talking about why men hardly their wives for their mistresses- that one is easy cos the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know, right? My point is that, the same men lamenting to you about their boring wives/women CHOSE to be with them despite their ‘boringness’ although they could have married ‘exciting’ women like the mistresses they later galivant with. So this whole thing is very deliberate. I grew up in Ghana & I know that several GH men (& indeed men around the world as Nana D pointed out)will prefer to choose a vanilla kind of wife than a hot, spicy one. It’s a conscious choice these men make.
Society raises boys to be scared of women’s sexuality. Boys are taught to bring a good wife home & that a woman who LOVES sex & isn’t afraid to say so or express herself is a bad woman. There are several GH men who have told me that they’d NEVER marry a woman who ‘allows them’ to fuck her. There are several men all over the world who are freaked out if they find out that their future wife has screwed more than 5 men (although these men have also been around). I knew men in their 20s and 30s in GH who had hot sex with diverse women & then when it came to the time of marriage, selected ‘a pure woman’- then after the marriage went back to having hot sex with diverse women. one of them enjoys having anal sex with women but he chose to marry a woman whom he wouldn’t even dare suggest it to, & now he keeps serial dating women that he can perform this sex act with.
& it’s not a coincidence that even in the 21st century, songs talk about how a woman is a ‘good girl’ (hello blurred lines!) while other songs talk about how you should treat the one you’re loving differently from the one you’re humping (a la jay z) etc. So tell me, in the light of all this, if you were a woman in your 20s getting ready to get married, would you be comfortable going all out in the bedroom? or would you tone down your sexuality in order to find a husband? & once you’re not all out with your husband, it’s going to be very difficult being yourself & letting yourself go when you marry him.
& part of that might be what you talked about- hiding your past & all. Several women choose to hide bits of their past in order to land a husband. i later found out that the woman whose 50 year old husband i was banging, used to serial date all these rich men when she was in her 20s (her colleagues told me) but she kept this portion of her life secret from her hubby & it’s probably why he chose to marry her. The flip side is that since she pretended to be ‘holy’ she had to keep the pretense through marriage.
So the question is: how can you have mind-blowing sex when you hide bits of yourself from your hubby? if you can’t disclose to your hubby how you love him to go down on you cos that is the only way you’ve ever come, or how you enjoy being talked dirty to or how role-playing in the past did it for you, then how can you let yourself go in the bedroom?
There is no doubt that culture is essentially the greatest stumbling block for African men and women. However we are living in a much more tolerable generation that allows sexuality to be a wonderful, but a complex art. Sexuality is expressed from the time you kiss and within that kiss the sovereignty of sex is displayed and that man knows he has a fire cracker.
With that much said, I wouldn’t feel restricted to go all out in the bedroom, unless I was a virgin and didn’t know what I was doing. Most men are well aware that the odds of finding a virgin in this world is slim to almost none. So, to tone down your sexuality in order to find a husband, is like sending yourself to purgatory.
You can’t have mind-blowing sex if you don’t know yourself, not because your hubby doesn’t know you. The most simplest way of having a great sexual life is to be honest enough, but not to a fault and verbalizing your desires by also reciprocating them, while never focusing on getting to the finish line. That, will blow your mind.
1.) I am here for your English. Very articulate.
2.) I am here for your hair.
3.) I am here for your bookshelf. That was really funny.
4.) I am here for the color of your walls. orange!
5.) Finally, I am here for Ekuba and her responses! You do the damn thang girl!
lol @ AM: we all missed you & please don’t stay away for too long!
awww, thanks mama!! 🙂
AM you are cray cray for real! LOL! You see the power of reading? I can also speak Hengrish like a propah Hengrish womain!
oh my darling….crazy identifies crazy! You should do more vlogs for I, the one whose hengrish came by boat loves to listen to your clear valley girl HENGRISH. I’ve listened to this vlog thrice, no lie. Not for the content-which was exceptionally good, but for the hengrish.
I’m 28 and I’ve been having sex since I was 17. I didn’t have an organism until earlier this year! Trying to describe it is hard. The best I can say is suddenly I understood what all the fuss about sex was. It left me screaming and properly sated. I have a different sexual partner now and I climax just as well too.
I think for me self discovery was big part of my ability to climax. I lived alone for about a year and the woman I am now is confident, assured, adventurous and doesn’t given a shit about other people’s opinions of her. What am I looking for in a man? Good conversation, good sex and we can talk about the rest later!!
Girl, when you say ‘Organism’ do you mean like in ‘Alien’? *wink* 😉
Horror of horrors. My way too smart iPad. Guess it needs a few orgasms itself!!
And I suppose it could very well be an alien but I’ve given it citizenship in my body for sure!!
So, I’m ‘patiently’ awaiting the next series from you oo…when does it begin?
Loved this Vlog! Thanks Malaka. I had my first orgasm when I was 14 in the shower lol. It was so freaky and amazing. I spent months trying to figure out how to do it again.
Men are funny aren’t they. The ones I’ve been with like my extroverted nature when it comes to sex and they’ve always said the couldn’t marry a woman who was dull in the sack. However what men say and what they do, well they are very different.
Lots of my older uncles have really homely type wives who they claim to love while at the same time they have gfs around my age. I think women nowadays are a lot more open when it comes to sex and we have the freedom to express it namely Internet in a way previous generations didn’t.
And now my vlog sharing how my orgasms feel like as promised via http://youtu.be/Bh8qG4Ev0rE
Oh. Em. Gee. I laughed out loud at the “half cum” bit! They are so frustrating. Like a half-sneeze when someone says “bless you” before you sneeze and ruins it for you!
You’re facial expressions during recall are priceless, by the way.
Firstly many thanks for the YouTube video, awesome work there! An organism for me is mind blowing and usually includes vibrations sweeping thru my whole body. It feels like a very warm flow of some current running thru my veins. It vigorously vibrates my genital area and I can literally feel them contractions that’s in my uterus, vagina and whole pelvic area. However it’s such an awesome feeling that sometimes when it’s too intense I find tears of pleasure flowing down my cheeks and I want to weep with pleasure and I sometimes do. The orgasm usually leaves me feeling elated and so relaxed that I want to check out for a bit to realign my body. Honestly, the feeling itself is almost inexplicable
Damn, that’s the kind of orgasm I want to have 🙂
I knw these posts are like from last year so my comment is…well later than late but I only found this blog this morning!!!!! and cancelled every thing on my to do list because…u knw why.Am 21 and u know how sex is around that tym…trying to get it right…trying not to look like you have too much experience for your own good, trying to get that orgasm without sleeping with every1 on campus (And just so u knw I’ve been with 2 pipo and so far it’s like am trying to make a stone cry).. in a word,it’s complicated. mainly because no1 is telling you anything. But as of today Adventures has a worshipper in me!!
Hahahaha!!! Welcome, oh servant. Welcome into the fold of Adventurers! Girl, let me give you my advice as a 30-something old lady: Great sex is worth waiting for. There is nothing more irritating than some guy “pounding” you, thinking he’s done something, and then looking at you from above asking “So did you cum?”. Tsewwww. If I came, trust me, you would definitely be the first to know!
Be very selective with who you sleep with, okay? And then you can perform all your theatrics to your heart’s content! 🙂