Ask Adventurers: Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Fellow Adventurers, Adzo would like to hear your thoughts on a current dilemma she has ….


“So I met this hunk a couple of months back. It wasn’t love at first sight, but in a matter of a week I fell in love with my type…smart, good looking and decent out of the bedroom but I was soon to realise was a total freak in the bedroom.

We had sex everyday till a while back. Mind blowing sex, cunnilingus, blow jobs….the works. Recently though, we kind of got bored and have not had sex in about 2weeks. I miss it!!!!! So we spoke about it and decided to try spice things up in the bedroom. He would look for amazing things to do to my body and I would look for things I wanted to try out on him.(I still don’t know what to do yet so any suggestions there will be cool).

While I was researching I got a call from my church to come back to join a music group. Now its no news that fornication is frowned upon in the house of the Lord…so I cant exactly be fornicating and going on stage to sing to the glory of God.

Is it possible to have your cake and eat it?? ”

Help a sister out. What should she do. What would you do in her place?


18 comments On Ask Adventurers: Can I have my cake and eat it too?

  • Tough one…I tell ya. Been at this same crossroads several times and quite honestly, its not easy to go to church and listen to condemnation against what you did last night (which was the most heavenly thing at the time). Your conscience is going to eat you up and that will be horrible not just for your sex life, but your spiritual life too. I understand your dilemma, and truth be told, I am seeking answers myself. I realise this same situation has driven many acquaintances away from spirituality; but what is man without a spiritual aspect? So many questions….sigh

  • Well for starters this looking a lil like a girltalk but i still wanna indite a few words here.
    “Confession” I’ve been in this situation jus a yr ago and trust me it felt so good.I dated this girl for a min and i couldn’t go to church cos i was actually a church worker and i felt so convicted to go to church.
    The lady in question was a daughter of a Preacher, who sang in her father’s church before he gives the sermon. I used to deny the fact that we were sinning cos i was like, after all in the end we gonna get married, so what the heck.
    But personally(From a christian perspective) i bliv in sex after marriage which i find really important and i have some friends who went through that and i really respect and treasure that process cos it’s really not easy, but it helps.
    This is my personal opinion thou. I mean if a guy is getting sexual satisfaction from you he would not be moved to tie the knot early or at all. You will end up solving conflict amongst u with sex rather than proper communication.This become an issue after marriage for most couples.
    Well i don’t think you wanna choose sexual or fleshy desires over God nor the things of God. I mean these are terrestrial things, vanity and when christ come all these things we held so dear to our heart, that we forgot about him will all be destroyed.
    So it’s up to you.Part of u loves the world and the other loves God.
    But u can’t serve two masters…Eventually you wld have to choose.
    Psalms 100:4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful to him, and bless his name.

    • I dislike whenever people say ‘If you sleep with him, he won’t marry you’ because that is just a lie, lie, LIE. I slept with my husband mANY MANY times before I married him. It is still the only sex that I do not regret at all. In fact his unselfishness, his giving nature showed to me most clearly in the bedroom. Sex is the one place no man can hide what he truly is. Are you vain and full of yourself? It will show when you keep watching your own performance in the mirror, rather than locking eyes and lips with me. Are you cruel and mean? It will show in the way you bang me like I am a piece of meat while your soul remains elsewhere. Are you selfish? I give you a blowjob and you just turn around and go to sleep. Everything shows there because you are stripped bare.

      I say do what your conscience tells you is right. God says he has written his laws on our hearts. Your heart, your PERSONAL relationship with God will tell you what you should be doing.

      Sex is a great thing. Let us not allow some notions of Christianity/religion ruin it for us. Let the spirit within you be your guide.


      • Eish! Preach Pastor Nnenna. Can I come to your church please? I promise to be a very good woman

      • Trying to figure out whether this is just a thought experiment.. but then I decided that Adzo has to become a church leader, she’s probably the only person in the church wrestling with the issue of what it takes to be a good christian.. 😀

        the rest? they be funkin’!!!!

        But I’m hesitant to say that sexual behavior represents much more than a sphere in which different forces and motivations come to play, quite unlike any other, I’d say, Nnenna.

  • At the risk of sounding hard, critical and judgmental, I’m going to say “No, you can’t.” I don’t describe myself as a christian anymore and part of the reason for that is the scenario described above as well as my views regarding homosexuality. Christian belief is rather clear on it’s position on these issues. Don’t do it. The self control required is celebrated as a virtue because the difficulty of self denial is acknowledged. It’s one thing if you gave into a moment of weakness but to deliberately carry it on and plan for it is something else. As Naa above says, the cognitive dissonance it will create will not be healthy for your sex life or your spiritual life. This is the fast track to associating sex with guilt, which we all know is all round unhealthy. I feel that a life of sexual freedom is completely at odds with the teaching of the Church and if one would stay mentally healthy, it has got to be one or the other.

    • Okay. My suggestion, then, is to throw away the bible, stop going to church and find communion with God through your sexual experience.

      Other cultures DO find communion with the Divine through love making laced with a strong intent to be with God.

      If it has to be one or the other show the church, the pastor and his / her bible to the door.

      Christianity is a crass misrepresentation of one of the greatest spiritual warriors of all time. As the old saying goes, ‘if the Christed one was to come back now (and he won’t – at least not in the form that you were taught) then he certainly wouldn’t be a Christian.”

      Run from the man -FAST!!! and far away – who calls you a sinner and that you were born into sin and that Jesus died for your sins. Did he? I didn’t ask him to. It is time to extricate ourselves from one of the greatest frauds perpetrated against humanity and that is the deep rooted indoctrination of Christian beliefs. A belief system that has nothing to do with the true teachings of a true spiritual master who experienced universal love for all and everything.

      Run! Run now, my beloved friend, from such spiritual fraud and tyranny and embrace the power of the Deep Feminine that has been held under the thumb of the church for two thousand years. Run now! and joyfully accept yourself – for that is one of the highest spiritual attainments – true acceptance of oneself – that can be bestowed upon you. Run NOW! Love, live, work hard, prosper, fuck, laugh, LOVE and praise the Divine and find joy and happiness in your life – for that is why we are here – that is our true purpose……to enjoy life and be happy….

      • Ashton, that is actually my point. Christianity has it’s system and it’s ways all informed by the Bible. The same Bible that talks about God’s saving Love also talks about crucifying the flesh, denying it’s desires so as to be alive in Christ. If my deep seated beliefs say my sexuality should be free and uncrucified then I will leave Christianity behind (as I have ) because the lifestyle I choose does not align itself with those values. There are other religions and spiritualities that can accommodate me. I don’t have the energy to battle with conscience or live my life worrying about what would happen and how it would affect my reputation if my sexual proclivities were found out. Dissociating myself is what frees me. The unfortunate truth is that you might have your personal relationship with God which allows you the sexual freedom you want but if you choose to remain within the institution, then you can’t complain about the values it holds dear and exhorts it’s adherents to have.

  • Dear Sister Confused,

    Yes oo. You can not only have your cake and eat it too, you can go ahead and bake it.

    This guilt you talk of used to beset me many moons ago. But not anymore. I go to the club, shake my nyash and next day I’m in church raising my hands in worship. How do I reconcile the two worlds, secular and religious? Simple. I don’t. They are two separate entities that co-exist in me, peacefully. Religious folks will frown upon this, and I could care less. Question is, do you have a personal relationship with God? Yes? No? That’s what is most important as far as I’m concerned.

    Look at the benefits though:
    1.) your back is cracked so you save tons in going to a masseuse.
    2.) you utilize your loins to derive pleasure that is free of charge.
    3.) you burn calories.

    Clearly, my advice will take you straight to hell according to the Holy Book.

    • Am you crack me up as always! Love your advice

    • Exactly! I just responded, scrolled down and saw your comment.

    • SAVED!but only by GRACE

      Perhaps coming in late to this conversation; but I must say I totally agree with Am and hope you can lay your guilt at the feet of the Lord as you ‘Magdalene’ Him. Listen, my Dear, The Lord loves and cares deeply, (has compassion) for the Magdalenes and Ruths and Uriah’s wives and Dinahs and Rahabs and Leahs and Judah’s daughters-in-law and Lot’s daughters, and you name them… (for I fail to remember all who they are and their actual names)of this world! And mind you, He despises and loathes the pretentious ‘pharisees,’ ‘white-washed sepulcres,’ and ‘brood of vipers’ who do their piety outwardly. Decide which group you belong with…

  • The Church’s relentless pursuit to police people’s sex lives always amazes me. I think physical intimacy is a personal matter that should be determined by the acting parties themselves.
    You like music? Sing away!
    You like sex? Partake of this sweet communion!
    Who says you can’t have it all?

  • How is it necessary to police the private lives of two consenting adults.

    This is were I ask the question, what kind of mental strangle hold is this. Your final decision and CHOICE is yours to make. Nothing stops you from celebrating your GOD and giving him praise, at the same time exercising your choice in a consensual loving relationship. Regardless of whether you are married or not. That decision and choice is yours.

    This is why we have the hypocrisy in our communities. Everybody pretending to be pious and at night, engaging in freaky dicky sex including bondage and fetish.

    Anyway, your deicion is yours alone and your personal relationship with GOD is personal.

  • @ Nana,

    Laughter is the best medicine. 🙂

  • Adzo, as for me, I keep it simple. If you feel convicted about it, don’t do it. Someone telling you NOT to feel guilty about what you are feeling is just as judgmental as someone telling you TO FEEL guilty.

    Let your own beliefs, your personal communion with God, and how you think you might answer if (S)he asks you on the Great Day why you did “thus or so” in whatever moment guide you. Jesus told his disciples “if they loved him, to keep his commandments.” What are His commandments as you have read/heard them? Do you want a love relationship with the lord? There’s no need for guilt or condemnation. Decide what you want.


  • Please. Don’t join Lot’s daughters. They slept with their daddy so they could have kids. I understand they were desperate…but ewww. No.

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