I am horny. Again.
I could take care of it myself, or wait for my husband to get home. Increasingly however, I find that it’s not dick I think about on some of those days when my husband is away on business and I have to make like a physician and ‘heal myself’. It’s not what I want. On those days I crave the taste of a warm, slimy pussy and no man, not even a buck naked Michael Ealy could convince me to stick to dick – and you know he fine as hell.
I’ve thought about women a lot over the years. I have fantasised about soft skin and pillowy breasts and wide hips and hard nipples. I’ve wondered what it would feel like to kiss one, caress her, make her come with my tongue, my fingers, my clit and do it all over again. I have never tasted a woman. I did have opportunities in my twenties, being away from home but I never followed through. I never let this control slip because I am scared. I am scared because I know that human beings are fickle. The way I was raised makes me reluctant to identify as a possible woman-lover. Being the kind of person I am, a woman who can only sleep with a person she trusts – even if that trust later proves to have been misplaced – I know that I will confide in any lover I take about how I feel, about how scared I am to be outed. And I would hate to hand over that power, to know that should they choose, they could take me to the cleaners. They could crush this life I have tried so carefully to build. It frightens me to have another human know that part of me. The world is not so wide as we think, especially with the never-forgetting internet close by.
And yet, that is what marriage is all about. I already have the confidant side of things down. My husband knows who I am, right down to the labia-licking desires I have. I trust him implicitly. I am not afraid of being my deepest self in front of him. The sex is good. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have a pussy for me to nibble on occasionally.
We’ve talked about threesomes but I always baulk at the idea. We have kids. Imagine arranging the babysitting around that one! The superstitious part of me also thinks that the minute we both leave for the hotel, lightning will strike and the house will go up in flames! I don’t think God will be punishing me or anything like that, but I have the most terrible luck like that. This is why I haven’t yet picked out a lover either for us to share or for me to play with. Chances are, I will pick someone who will reveal herself to be a complete psycho.
Then there’s the other thing of course. The sharing. As in, I don’t want to. In my fantasies, sometimes my husband is there, but I believe that is just my rational, logical mind including him. He is mine, I am his. But if I were to be truly honest with myself, I would prefer that he sit somewhere in the room – I trust him after all – or maybe that he not be there. No dick. Just for the first time, or the first few times. Just until I have turned her the fuck out by myself. (I won’t lie. I might borrow some of his tricks. He is very good.)
This may be because in my mind, this fantasy has been there long before I met and married him and so it would not be complete until I do it alone. Or it could just be that I am a selfish bitch.
Now I know this is a fantasy. It does not have to be fulfilled does it? I think this and I get really pissy and upset because I feel as though I am being asked to cut off my arm or something.
I am a naturally curious individual. I was created to be curious. It seems so unfair that I am encouraged by society, by parents to seek out things which feed that curiosity and yet grossly discouraged from that natural curiosity leading to sexual undertakings, especially same-sex ones. It’s any wonder I can function in my marriage, I’ve been so fucking repressed. Now you know why I am writing anonymously.
This is what I want; I want a girl. I want a girl who is cool with herself and is also cool with me being myself, with all my fuck-ups. I want a girl who takes care of her health and is clean – I could never have one night stands because I am the kind of lover who has to go everywhere. I can’t be doing that condom/dental dam shit with you. It means that for a while, you will be mine and I will be yours. And when you want to move on, that will be it. I want a girl who will lie with me when we’re done and be cool with being quiet, or will converse intelligently. I want to be unashamed of how stupid and retarded my face looks because I am so fucking horny and want you so badly. I want a girl who laughs when she queefs in bed. I want a girl who likes kissing and who will have no qualms telling me what she wants and does not want. I want a girl who will not expect me to act differently in public – I will be funny, and nice and kind as per usual. This is not some grand love affair. I will not introduce you to my folks. I will not hold your hand. I don’t do that with anyone except my kids. I want a girl who is cool with verbal flirting. I like to flirt. I like to write and text, it is how I communicate most effectively. \i want girl who is herself around me, you is open with me. I want a girl who understands where I come from, who knows that just because I want to keep her for me – or us – does not mean I am ashamed of her. I just don’t want to come out. What would I be coming out as? I want a girl who wants me.
I don’t want to fuck you if we’re friends. It will ruin things. I just know it will. I don’t want a girl with girlfriends whom she tells everything to, dissecting my every move and word. I don’t have those myself. Talk to me. I can tell you best what it is I mean. I will be honest with you about everything, even if you are not honest with me. But that’s the thing. You must be honest or this will not work.
I want a girl who has as much to lose as I do if this comes out (there’s that selfishness again) and as much to gain from us being together. Basically I want to be fucking married to you for a while. I have basically described the marriage I have now, without realising it.
In return I promise you all of me, for a time, for a season or for however much you want me. I’ll go back into my marriage, happily, having scratched that itch. Hopefully.
I’m trivialising things. It’s more than an itch. This is who I am. And that’s the problem. The way that modern society is constructed means I cannot eat my cake and have it too. But damn, I wish I could. I’m not greedy. I don’t want the whole thing.
A bite, just a little bite, just to be okay, that is all I ask.
17 comments On ‘I think I’m bi-curious. It may be a problem’ by Guest Contributor Mellie
Love it. I say discuss it with hubby, if he goves you the go ahead, explore, explore!! 🙂
Fantasy is a reality which you control but reality is what happens as a result of your actions. The female form is one of the most beautiful and seductive shapes this world has to offer and it is very normal to desire a woman even being a female.
Threesome is a word most men love, a man will never say no to more pussy as long as he gets some of the pie, almost every man dreams about having more pussy at home even if what he has under his roof is the best. Some fantasy’s should remain fantasy because the imagination of reality is a variable that simply cannot be determined. This is just my professional opinion you just have to ask yourself would it all have been worth it if something went belly up or should I have just remained curious?
Hmmmm…I’m not sure I get your advice Dr Love. How would she know whether something like this would be worth it or not until she tries it? It seems to me like you can only gauge the worth after the fact.
i understand how you feel…i have been in a relationship with a woman like yourself before; geographical distance dimmed it. Its a beautiful thing despite the fear of a ruined reputation if you end up with someone untrustworthy. I guess what made us work was the easy way we could just talk to each other about almost everything and the mutual respect we had for each other’s reputation despite a reasonable age gap and other differences. Its worth the (calculated) risk if you just stop worrying too much and just give it a go
Good Lord woman, who are you, where have you been all my life and how the hell did you get into my head?!
Seriously though, I could’ve written all that myself – being desperately horny for a woman even though I’ve never been with one, longing for someone who will understand that I want to be all hers and I want her to be all mine but we won’t really belong to each other 100% , looking for someone who is putting as much on the line as I am, who will accept that I’m not miss world but I’m pretty awesome in my own right…… And none of that MFF 3some crap. Just me and a luscious, juicy fire-cracker of a lady behind closed doors. *SIGH* It’s taken me so long to make it happen that if I’d been looking for a needle in a haystack instead, I probably would’ve found it by now. That’s a rather long-winded way of saying I feel your pain, and I believe that when you find the right one – because you will look for her, this doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you just get over – it will definitely be worth it. Now I’m off to read through that again before dashing to the ladies to relieve the throbbing down under….
ok….so I’m thinking…why dont fukarajeuri and the writer hook up? Forums, ladies, use it! (Nnena is looking at you)
Hahahahahaaha! Why now, eh? I will arrest you o. Forum police, over and out!
… Hook up? Me and the writer? *anxiously wringing her hands* Oh my, how to begin, what to say, hope my breath is fresh…..
Your recent submission to AFTBOAW resonated deeply with me. I’d love to chat about our experiences sometime. If chatting about such things with an internet stranger doesn’t freak you out, please respond in the comments and we’ll figure out how to link up. No worries if you aren’t up to it.
Wishing you well in your quest for some “cake”…..
Hahaahah. I’ve never actually seen anyone write AFTBOAW before. Hehehe. I love it
😀 I didn’t have the patience to write out the full name so decided to make do with the strange abbreviation. Please help me delete that embaradsing double post. Thanks.
I am a beautiful girl of 27years. I’m fair in complexion and very busty… I feel very attracted to pretty girls with huge tits. I am bicurious but I have never made out with any girl cos I’m afraid… Anyways I hope to meet my lucky hun soon
Hmmm…finally someone who feels same. I’m not married but scared all the same cos of society. How do people like us find solutions? I know this is an old post, but it resonates with me so much now..
Wish I’d get to scratch this itch too…
Maame,honey and fukaraa,
Pls get in touch
I think every girl secretly wants a taste of a good luscious body like theirs. Personally I feel that the writer has to weigh between taking a bite of the cake or forever being curious and see where she would rather fall.
Hello beautiful people. I’m new on here. How do I get my messages and concerns published like the one above? thanks.
“The way that modern society is constructed means I cannot eat my cake and have it too” – yes you absolutely can. YOU are holding yourself back, not society. Society does not need to know what goes on behind closed doors.
“I want to be unashamed of how stupid and retarded my face looks because I am so fucking horny and want you so badly” – this!!!
One thing I will say is that you have painted a scenario where your dalliance is of a temporary nature. The thing is, when (if) you finally get to sate your curiosity, won’t it leave you wanting more? I ask because I was in a similar situation (enagaged, not married though) and decided to explore. 10 years later I am still attracted to men but don’t think I could go through life without being intimate with women.