‘The Complications of Being A Shrewd Virgin’ by Guest Contributor Eleanor T.K

Certain words flow in vein with the term virgin; naïve, unadulterated, pure, immature, wet-behind-the-ears etc. None of these words would appropriately describe me. I don’t need to be told not to drink in the company of a guy I don’t trust completely, I am not naïve. The unadulterated girl would not have watched her cousins XXL videos in the dark on her cousins’ laptop then wiped previous play history. The pure one, won’t have masturbated (I swear I don’t know how my hand got down there in the first place) while reading a historical romance. The wet-behind-the-ear one wouldn’t have a video sex guide equivalent of Karma Sutra or a copy of 203 Ways to Drive a Man Wild in Bed by Olivia St. Claire in her bookshelf (in the back row of course). And immature? That’s my antonym. I wish I could be a bit immature. You see the immature don’t over think things. The immature are rarely ever members of Anxiety Girl’s Club “leaping to the worst conclusions with a single thought”.

But the term virgin applies to me. And as I near 25 (barely three months left) and gradually give up on the romanticism which has kept me waiting for the elusive “Mr. Right”, I find more than my Harlequin-bred dreams stand in the way of breaking that hymen and freeing my sexuality once and for all. I know too much, and when it comes to being a virgin that seems to be a problem.

You see it is that credulous virtue of virgins (which I lack) that allows/enables them to be “swept off their feet”. It is the simple childlike curiosity that pushes them to “not think” and just “do”. Unfortunately I lack that too. With a shrewd virgin, like I, complications arise which walk hand in hand with and usually surpass the guys ability to sweep her off her feet.

There are issues like body confidence, undressing with the lights on and exposing the inner thighs darkened by friction or the curves spilling over to folds. At the age of 15-19 with some smooth neighborhood boy this wouldn’t have been an issue and the lights would probably be off. But the shrewd virgin is grown and KNOWS what men say about women they’ve fucked. She’s heard them describe someone with stretch marks as a tigress. And that knowledge haunts her.

Unlike the unadulterated virgin, this one, this well-informed one has seen dicks off and on TV, held them in her hands and so is pretty sure her face will not register surprise or awe if a certain guy unloads a tiny wiener. Unlike the inexperienced she’s felt an orgasm, hell she’s studied orgasms (and found eleven different types exist), discussed them in precocious detail with girlfriends and with precise imagination already has high expectations. While it is common knowledge that the first time will hurt, she has this personal memory of getting hurt just by masturbating and can’t help but hesitate. After all whoever it is you will hurt for better be worth it right?

And mature, yes, this breed of virgin is especially conscious, the kind who has gone right to the brink only to stop and “wait stop, we can’t do this” and run out of bed, leaving a very aroused and irate guy in bed- her bed- while she goes to sleep on the carpet in the living room. Or not sleep. She has plans, goals and after all these years of not counting days the idea of becoming like your friend Christine who is constantly worried if the 30th comes without her seeing her monthly (Christine would happily trade her salary for that monthly) baffles and unnerves you. You have studied the different types of contraceptives; the pills make one fat (or in this case fatter), the other methods require going to the hospital and in your society with family and friends all over that will not do. And condoms? You don’t trust them. You know of one too many oops stories.

More so, this matured virgin has had a LOT of time to think about this, so it’s not easy to sway her and there’s a lot to fret over. She has way more than just the kiss on her mind while kissing. She (in typical Anxiety Girl mode) foresees less than reverence on his face if/when there’s a morning after. With her imagination she anticipates the inflexibility of limbs while you two are entwined (if it ever gets to that). What if she wants to pee in the middle of the act? Shouldn’t you bathe first and be all fresh, and definitely he should if he wants head! Her “prophet of doom eye” sees her getting tested for HIV, or Syphilis or some other terrible STD.

Yes maybe both should consider testing prior to the act, but there are so many STD’s (and she has studied too many of them) how many tests do you ask a guy to take before all idea of romance is lost? Do STD specialist consider this? Think how the “sweeping her off her feet moment” is ruined if she whips out a list and starts interrogating him

“HIV/AIDS? Clear

Gonorrhea? Clear

Syphilis? Clear

Crabs? What’s that?

Herpes- I dunno.

Okay we’ll just stop right now.”

Shrewd Virgin forecasts all this and when you think about it this way, the movie scenes and novels seem overly simplistic. There are a million different factors to figure out. And she doesn’t know if and how she will do so. So somewhere out there the some women are waiting at the brink, hesitating no longer in wait of true love but as a consequence of being a know-it-all virgin.


Sunset by the River

13 comments On ‘The Complications of Being A Shrewd Virgin’ by Guest Contributor Eleanor T.K

  • I swear every time i read your articles i wonder if i wrote them…
    Anyway, am not sexually active(I choose my words carefully because like you I lack the virtues of a true virgin) and I’m 28. Sometimes I hate having waited this long cos it makes it extremely difficult to just let go and have fun… the over-thinking and all that, so stressful. And then there are also those times that I’m actually glad I have cos i’m crazy emotional and i make everything my fault and beat myself up about every little “mistake”.

    • Sorry, I mean I”ve never had sexual intercourse…. lol

    • LOL if I’d been drinking earlier on and then read your comment I’d have sworn I’d written this while I was “gone”. We’re even the same age. Half the time I hate it (it’s like O God I’m going to DIE a virgin! I’m ruined!), but then I am obsessive about “mistakes” and overly-analytical and I will probably be one of those clingy ones professing love the morning after or feeling like she’s given away her soul and wants his in return. When I think of that and hear terrible stories from girls who weren’t looking to get serious, then “fell” and got screwed I metaphorically cover my hymen with my hand and whisper “you’re not going ANY.DAMN. WHERE”

  • For me, I’ll think biologically the Shrewd Virgin above is a virgin. But since she masturbates and has orgasms, we won’t term her a virgin in the moral sense. What do you think? And nice piece.

  • Minerva to her hymen: “You are not going ANY. DAMN. WHERE.”

    That was hilarious. A great start to my morning. Thank you and you reminded me of the fact that I need to ‘conversate’ with my vulva more often.

  • Thanks to you all for reading. My network has been a mess and hindered my response. @Seeta and Minerva; I’m glad to see I’m not alone. We have got to get past this though… Don’t ask me how! Lets just say I’m working on something similar to the Stations of the Cross. Only it would be the Stations to my hymens loss
    @Safron yep! I laughed out Loud at that part too.
    @Zubaida. well you can say its only biological, but psychologically, if you haven’t gone all the way its like we have only just scratched the tip of the iceberg.

  • A virgin who has achieved an orgasm when 70% of women who actively engage in sex never have? Eish…

    Whatever it is you’ve got in your cupboard, bottle and sell it!

    • LOL! Malaka there are o’s and there are O’s and there is the big “O Hell Yes!”.
      If we could bottle the latter we could outsell Tb Joshua’s anointing water 😉

  • Just let go. I’ll be waiting for the “Stations to my hymen loss”

  • still a virgin and i hate myself for it. the sexual tension is frustrating. ain’t analytical just haven’t had the opportunity. I’ve read all that is to be read

  • This is me. My exact words. I am twenty seven. I have done all there is to do except actually have sex. When i do cross that bridge though, I swear down …

  • Hmmm! I’m a male, and a virgin at almost 30. I’ve had opportunities to have sex, but didn’t because I want remain a virgin till I marry; just to make a point ; just to see if it can be done. The furthest I’ve ever gone is to kiss passionately and rub my hand on her breast and butts while kissing. It’s happened less than 6 times with the same woman. I was 26 then and it felt so good. I make a conscious effort not to masturbate. I have wet dreams occasionally. I has been very difficult, but I think I’ve gotten this far because I’ve always had women who will never initiate sex around me. Sadly people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m a virgin, especially when there is no way to prove it. Lately I’ve started thinking of having sex. Trust me it is difficult to go without sex as a man.

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