Written by: Miss Kay
As women, African women, we have a fairly long way to go when it comes to overcoming shame. There is a lot of shaming classified into factions that include slut shaming, body shaming and even homophobic slurs which are becoming more common each day. We cannot fully explore and experience our own bodies and sexuality without some level of shame measured up for us. We are ashamed of being open about our bodies and sexuality even to our partners. The worst-case scenario in our reality is that this has resulted in most women not being able to fully experience their lives. They are unable to reach and enjoy orgasms, nor experiment with their fantasies and the ultimate sexual pleasures they can get in their entire lifetime. If only they were not ashamed of simple things, their lives would have been different. If only we accept that women have a lot of freedom with their bodies and how they express themselves just as men do.
How about we start by not being ashamed of a few things which are basics for the very least? Here is a list.
Asking for what you want
It is not easy to tell a man to stand by the corner and drop his pants. “Only sluts do that.” “That is such a slutty thing to do.” Over time, men have full, complete ownership over a woman’s body. They believe they can take whatever and whenever. If they are married, it is even worse. The woman has no right to say no when it comes to her own body. At least that has been the reality for centuries. This notion may have disempowered women to think they can also do the same. Most are shy to talk to their partners about what they want. The fear of taboo and shame has us all on a chokehold. Introducing new styles and positions to men is stressful. “Where did you learn that from?” See, men are not comfortable with open-minded and liberated women. At least most of them. Somehow it threatens their ego. “Women cannot openly talk about sex, let alone ask for it.” We need to break that stereotype.
Asking for it
Sex is not just sex and there are so many ways to enjoy yourself and sex altogether. It has to have art, class, be eventful and feel phenomenal. It has to be delivered in certain ways that should match the mood. You want it rough? Tell him, or her. Ask for it and initiate as well. If your partner is up for that, even better. Sometimes it might be how your partner wants it too and they did not know it. Even during the deed, things may get uncomfortable. You might be too dry and that hurts. Ask for some lube, or reach out for the bottle. Do not be afraid of what your partner will think about it. They should understand why you need it. Dry sex is not for everyone after all.
Do you want to wait until you really yearn for it? Do you want to stay longer during foreplay? Say it. Bear in mind, the more you enjoy, the more your partner is also likely to enjoy too. If a certain position is not comfortable, say it. Ask for a pillow or anything to support you. Shift to a different position or go for a new style altogether. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. It is the sex that is happening with and in your body after all.
Sex is never flawless. It is nasty and it is messy. The uglier it looks the more pleasurable it is. You should not waste your time worrying and feeling embarrassed about something you can wash off later; something that felt heavenly wholesome at its peak. There is so much fluid that passes on back and forth and it is the only way you can enjoy yourself and your partner. Do not be ashamed that you are getting wetter and wetter. The waters and the juices are all we aim for and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. You should be afraid it is dry because that is a potential health hazard waiting to happen.
Making the noise
It is how you express your feelings. That is the ultimate communication of how you feel. Either good or bad. In as much as you scream and moan, be sure to listen to your partner as well. Talk dirty if that is your thing. When you are in the bedroom the rest of the world should not matter. Your social standing and dignity will still remain intact after you say those words to your partner. Who knows, this might even set the mood for the next round unknowingly.
Serving it how you feel like
Perhaps you want to try something new for your partner – be open about it. Outperform your shyness with the confidence of a random dude approaching women on the internet. Beat the shame for your own benefit. Be confident in yourself and put your own pleasure first. Pay attention to your body and be sure to enjoy the new experience.
Exploring your own sexuality
There are some of us who are still questioning their sexuality. There are certain prevailing conditions that may prevent one from fully exploring how far they can go with their sexuality. We are in Africa after all, and there is not much we can do when it comes to certain aspects of sex. However, if the conditions allow, free yourself. Learn as much as you can about what makes you tick and what makes you flow. Know as much as you can about your body so that you know what to ask for, from your partner.
Trying new things
Between two understanding partners, suggesting new things and trying out all the fantasies should never be a thing to be embarrassed about. Role play, fantasize, experiment, experiment, and experiment new things some more. Surprise yourself every time you show up in the bedroom.
Body shaming is a pandemic. No matter how much body positivity we spread, it cannot always be enough. It would be great if one can manage to shut down the external voices of the body-shamers; turn a deaf ear to what they are saying. Believe in yourself and the beauty of your form and shape. Listen, if you feel like you need enhancers, do what you may to feel great. You look great when you actually feel like a queen. Be sure to feel good about yourself so that you can feel and radiate your sexual attractiveness. A negative body image prevents one from enjoying themselves as much as they should. Not all vaginas and penises look glorious. It is okay. You are alright if you are worried about how you look down there.
Talk about sex
Talking to your partner about sex has to be one of the greatest forms of intimacy. If anything, it brings you both closer. Both parties get to know what their partners want and need. You will learn how to please your partner just as much as they learn the same about you. Do not shy away from the conversation. It is not as shameful as society makes it to be. It is rather a sacred moment between you and your partner. Enjoy it.