Perhaps this is a question for the Forums, however here we are! At the end of this, I would really like some advice for our sister from the Collective. Leave your comments o, abeg!
I recently had an Adventurer ask me for advice about how to improve her sex life. She said she didn’t know who else to turn to. I was flattered that a 24 year old singleton would ask me anything about sex sensuality at all. After all, isn’t great sex supposed to end when you’re married? (Oh the lies they tell us. *snicker*.)
Our Adventurer has a twin problem. Her longtime boyfriend is the first person she’s ever been sexually intimate with, and because she is the poster child for the “good African girl”, she has never experimented sexually with anyone else beyond first base, which involved deep kissing and heavy petting. Of course, as the conquering African male, her boyfriend on the other hand has led a sexually storied life, and has had all sorts of experiences with all sorts of women prior to them committing to each other. The duality of their problem is this: Their genitals are not compatible. He is well endowed and she is quite small. As I understand it, it’s like “pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle.” Sex is not enjoyable for either of them. He is not turned on by her, and she can’t get into character because she’s over analyzing everything in the bedroom.
Our Adventurer has worked herself into a frenzy, wondering how long her boyfriend can wait for her vagina to “open up” – God that sounds so crass! – before he goes looking for sexual pleasure elsewhere. I feel for both of them…her especially. I get the sense that he is not willing to coach her and teach her how to be the sex kitten she wants to be and the one he desires. The other problem is that saint/whore dichotomy is at work here. While she has devoted her life to being the “good African girl” that every man professes to want to marry and show off to friends and family, she has devoted no time at all practicing the craft of ‘socially acceptable whoring’. (There is a certain body count that women are allowed before they are termed sluts…which is why women tend to lie about how many men they’ve slept with.)
I gave her some advice, and joked that I would research and consult the ancient scrolls to find more answers for her. After all, women have sought ways to please their lovers for millennia. We cackled as we decided that a whore training camp for wives and girlfriends was needed. Humph. Do you know my Google search yielded information for just a service? It is marketed to men who want their wives and girlfriends trained to be sex slaves and submissives!
The site featured gifs of women getting the sense fucked out of them, bound in chains with legs spread-eagled, staring obediently into the camera. The website’s detailed the fine points of the wife/girlfriend training course explaining how she would be trained 3-5 times a day with an expert trainer and spend her time with other females who were near successful completion of the program. Of course, there were no women of color featured. I mean, how?
There is where things get tricky for me. What lengths should a woman be willing to go to in order to please her mate? If his desires involve boot licking and total obedience, how much of a woman’s pleasure is being considered in this instance? Should a woman be comfortable sacrificing her dignity for a man’s preferences? Is it okay if this makes her “happy”? Somehow, I feel like I can’t let a sista go down like that!
Our Adventurer says she wants to be her man’s anaconda in the bedroom, and I applaud her for that. Who doesn’t want their man hot for her at all times of the day? You certainly don’t want him lusting after some other chick who knows how to work it in ways that cause him to go sniffing elsewhere. My concern is that she may go too far in trying to become that person. Where is the line? What avenues have or would you explore to become better in bed? What would you say to this young woman?
20 comments On What Lengths Would You Go To To Please Your Man?
At least in my experience, sexual pleasure is twofold: The sensations I feel, and also the satisfaction of knowing I’m sexually pleasing the one I’m with. One encourages the other, and it’s always been the same with my partners. So going to the lengths of sacrificing my own pleasure in the bedroom seems like it would mess up the flow, in a way. Ideally both partners would know how to make each other’s toes curl (heehee). Few things are more satisfying than knowing you’re sending your partner to the heights of pleasure. That goes for men AND women.
That said, it’s a difficult situation when two partners aren’t physically compatible. Malaka hinted that the man might not be doing all he can to teach the Adventurer the ways of the bedroom. That certainly has to change. Perhaps they should integrate more into their sex than penetration. E.g., oral sex, teasing, masturbation, and toy play if you’re comfortable. They need to be talking about this…that will make things go smoother, I’d think, since there won’t be as much need to over-analyze. Communication and open-mindedness would do a lot of good here for the both of them.
I really hope this helps….all the best!
It seems like pleasure is the problem to her sexual worries. Anatomically a woman’s vagina can in fact expand to allow for a man to penetrate. However, some men are too big and some women can’t handle it. If you don’t correct that issue the relationship will definitely suffer from it. One of the best ways to help yourself naturally is to have lots of foreplay. This will create much needed lubrication and dilatation. Use lubricants if you don’t produce enough naturally. Actually my OB/GYN recommends 100% Olive Oil like the one they give out at church. Don’t marinate in it, just on the outer area is fine. Be more flexible (learn yoga), it will help you relax those muscles and enjoy. Secondly you can buy penis reducers (warning: this may crush his ego) that decrease depth and can make sex more enjoyable for you. Sex is a tango and you have to engage your partner in a more enjoyable sex session by taking control and letting him know what positions and tempo work for you. If your man is not understanding, then you have to realize that traumatic sex can only harm you and cause internal and external damage. Trying to please a man when your body can’t give any more is not a healthy sexual relationship. Pleasure is your problem and you can’t reciprocate it if you can’t experience it. Btw…pleasing is whatever makes both people happy!
Ei, I learn something new on Adventures every day. Penis reducers eh? Some guys definitely need that.
MASI part of this post cracked me up. Chale your friend’s dilemma is a real one. This is my humble suggestion. Her boyfriend as the more sexually experienced one needs to take responsibility for their mutual pleasure. You can’t date a ‘good girl’ and expect her to transform took Nicki Minaj in the bedroom. Nah uh. He needs to spend hours pleasuring her, teasing her, and getting her so wet that she begs him to penetrate her, and he should still be maintaining the clitoral action simultaneously. In fact she should just send him this post
Ahhhaaaa. You see? You guys have hit the nail on the head. I am particularly concerned that being a newbie and so eager to please, that sex will eventually become a traumatic experience because of the anxiety she feels leading up to it. She shouldn’t be as concerned about “doing it right” as she is about doing it. Perfection only comes with practice!
And since he is the more experienced one in the relationship, the burden is on him to show her the ropes. Foreplay is the holy grail!
As for penis reducers dierrr, I’m sure we can count that out. Can you imagine the look on any self-respecting African man’s face when confronted with a penis REDUCER? I’m sure he’d rather eat his own leg off.
Goes without saying that if her man was being a “man” her would try to teach her something at the very least learn new things with her. I think she needs to relax too, her anxiety might be making it worse. Her “girlie parts” (lol) can accommodate his size, they just need to find their perfect positions. its not her problem, its their problem.
Wait, wait, wait a minute. They are BOTH responsible for the outcome. Just because he is more adept and experienced, does not mean that she the newbie, should just sit there like dead fish. When you are sick, do you go to the hospital, or does the hospital come to you?? So, she should ASK what turns him on. Maybe it’s not the wet of her vagina that would bring him to doing a soldier salute, simple things like, sending a ”dirty’ text during the day, will get him worked up and thinking about what is to come. Perhaps prancing in lingerie, is what does it. Maybe, even reading the Bible to him in a sultry voice, songs of Solomons is a great starting point.
Also, she should make sure to explore reading material. And practice, practice, practice.
He also should be willing to be patient. Rome was not built in a day. He should also be cognizant of the fact, that in as much as he is experienced, those techniques that worked with other flames, may not be attuned to his new boo. Therefore, he should be willing to adjust and literally accommodate her needs too.
I’ve never heard of penis reducers. For why??? If I was a man, and had a snake, it would be my source of pride. God knows what He was doing by creating me a woman. What….
And how exactly is you telling him to get his own is reduced an ego crusher? Heiiii, if anything it would serve as an ego boost. Again, God knew why some of is were made with holes.
Aunty Nana!!!! Missed you.
Miss you too niece 🙂
I’ve never heard of penis reducers. For why??? If I was a man, and had a snake, it would be my source of pride. God knows what He was doing by creating me a woman. What….
And how exactly is you telling him to get his own is reduced an ego crusher? Heiiii, if anything it would serve as an ego boost. So, what of those with dots? If you tell them to get enhancements, that ego crush might as well be suggested suicide. Again, God knew why some of us were made with holes.
Aunty Nana!!!! Missed you.
Sexual compatibility is paramount and while it’s not the only factor to a good relationship, it is very important. This is not a blaming game, but there is a big problem with this relationship and it’s the size of his penis. I don’t think that this will be resolved with becoming a pro. My concern is that if the sex is too traumatizing, something will ultimately have to give. Pain is subjective, but it has a point of intolerance as well. The only way that she might be able to please, is to feel pleasure for what she is doing. The only thing that can help is a smaller penis and we all know he won’t cut it down. The best noninvasive options are adaptive devices ( rings) that go around the penis base. This will reduce length and create comfort during sex, but it takes a loving partner to see this option as such. God bless all the endowed men because they should inherit greater sheets. Best of luck!
Unless the man has a penis as big as Malaka’s fabled thigh, NO PENIS IS TOO BIG. I mean, come the fuck on. That shit is meant to take a pounding AND pass them baby friends.
Why are we not addressing this man’s state-of-mind sef? Like he doesn’t sound to me like he gives a fuck about her pleasure. In that case, why does she not give a damn about her pleasure, herself? I mean, INVEST in herself. Invest in touching herself. In pleasing herself. Find out what turns her on without him and then clue him in. How is she supposed to know how to be the perfect lover when she doesn’t even know how to be a woman? Nah mate.
Secondly, olive oil as a lubricant? Girl. Naw. It’s not technically unsafe but it’s not the greatest either. It will do in a pinch but ALWAYS have a tub/tube of water-based gel slime for your fucky parts.
(http://101.lubezilla.com/featured-stories/is-olive-oil-a-safe-sexual-lubricant/)
You’re welcome.
I just want to openly acknowledge your use of the term “fucky parts.” lol! 🙂 And you’re right, the guy’s mindset is a problem too, if he’s not concerned about her pleasure. Some self investigation is needed!
The use of most household 100% oils (corn, peanut, olive and vegetable) are safe for sex. Not all people have access to commercial goods. So, why ruin the mood if you can run to the kitchen? The vagina is definitely very resilient, but feeling gang-rapped every time you have sex is not a healthy sex life. Giving birth is not a walk in the park. I am still to meet a woman that hasn’t suffered any trauma from it and turned around and smoked a cigarette. Unfortunately, not all penises are favorable to all vaginas, but to each it’s own.
Oils are generally safe, but if a condom is in use oil can degrade the latex. So water-based should be used.
Not all penises are favourable to vaginas because the men involved are NOT taking care to turn their women on. Foreplay is not timed in minutes but rather in how long it takes your woman to be ready. Every woman is different.
Like I said, oil is not technically unsafe i.e. it is safe, but it’s not the greatest. In a pinch, an emergency? Yes. But not every single time.
You cannot for instance use those vegetable oils if you’re going to use a condom. It will destroy the latex and render you very vulnerable to those babies and STDs.
You cannot use them with silicone sex toys – most toys are made from this. Rubber and glass and plastic are okay.
Not all oils are safe eg nut or peanut oils. People have allergies; hives, swelling, itching so be careful which you use.
Giving birth not being a walk in the park? Duh, girl. I have kids :). But it is not impossible. The pain comes from contractions to help your baby descend, not from the vagina doing what is was supposed to do and stretching. They may be a tear at the entrance, when the baby’s head crowns but that is my point. No penis is as big as a baby’s head.
It seems like the idea of something you eat is causing panic. Natural oils are extremely safe for vaginas, but like everything in life, you won’t know what works for you until you try it. Of course, its use is relative to the type of relationship you may have. In regards to allergies, latex condoms and glycerin can cause allergies as well. So, everyday you learn from life and you work with what works for you. My wish is that this young lady will have a healthy relationship that is enjoyable and productive. Feeling like you are postpartum and gang-rapped every time you have sex with the hopes to be broken-in is inconceivable. Some woman can give birth naturally and others need a C-Section, but they are still mothers. I really don’t care what the vagina can do or it can’t do, I just know that life goes on and she needs to perhaps realize that she might not get use to it and it’s ok.
Btw, I excluded the man from this discussion because I feel that as a woman you need to know yourself to be able to understand someone else. His anatomy is never going to change and if I was a man I would want a woman that can handle me in every way I gave it to her. This is not sexist because as woman if a man had a small penis, I will guarantee that he would not be a contender unless perhaps his pockets were deeper. In my book he would be dismissed and sent to the Left. Therefore, I don’t think men think any different when it comes to the handling of frisky business.
I’m not sure I understand this comment – or that you understand mine in the spirit it was made so I’m just going to leave it.
I swear adventures ya’ll should open a sex school. Never knew this about olive oil. But now, if we lather our honey pots with it, how do we combat the smell? We spray Chanel on it or?? Please oo, don’t take offense, I know it sounds like I’m joking but I’m being serious.
Please don’t use Chanel to disguise the smell of Budussy because Coco will surely roll-over in her grave. If you buy 100% Olive oil as you would do, to cook your food and for alternative use, the smell will be minimal according to its quality. The oil is so rich that you only need to smear a little bit on. Once you get into the nitty-gritty the oil will dissipate. After you shower you will feel like you just had a puddycure.
The man needs to give a fuck about his woman. Since he knows more about sex shouldn’t he be willing to teach her how its done? He’s probably getting it somewhere else