On dating, and writing about sex

One of my goals this year is to date. Like seriously date. To the point where I can say, “x is my partner”. It’s hard for me to explain why I think I should make a serious effort to date this year. Some of my friends have said, Awww you’re finally admitting that you want somebody. I’m not convinced it’s that simple. I wish it was. I just feel like I should make an effort to invest emotionally in someone else (apart from my conglomerate of best friends, family and friends). Like that would be a good thing to do, and good for me. I’m aware that I am emotionally distant – especially from men. And that’s something I have deliberately cultivated because that’s the only way to have the number of fuck buddies that I have had without being emotionally scarred. And surely that can’t be good for me? The emotional distance I mean. I am writing this on a KLM flight from Stockholm to Amsterdam. I have just spent 10 or so days in Visby where I slept in a narrow room overlooking an 18th century church and the Baltic Sea. It was the perfect place for any creative to undergo a residency. I am constantly surprised by how welcoming the people appear to be. They don’t cross the road when you walk towards them. They speak to you in Swedish, until you say, “Sorry I don’t speak Swedish”, and then they switch almost seamlessly into English. I watch the cashier at the co-op intently when she scans my money. I look to see if the money any of the other customers hand in is being scanned but everybody else seems to be paying by card. The next time I’m in the co-op another identikit blond cashier scans a 20 krona bill and says, “Sorry do you have another one? The machine is not accepting it.” I don’t feel targeted in any specific way and say, “I can pay by card”.

I have been working on a collection of short stories about sex and sexuality. I have been assigned a writing mentor. She discusses my very thin manuscript with me and gives me what I think is helpful feedback. I am not sure how I am going to make the very helpful changes she has suggested. I start another short story instead. I find it easy to start new things. I write a story about a woman who is remarkably like me. Except that she is older, and hotter. The women protagonists in my stories are always way hotter than I imagine myself to be, and yet whenever my writing friends read my story they comment about how much the protagonist resembles me. My friend V even tells me that the similarity between my characters and I reminds her of the writings of Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche. I am flattered. I am a proud Chimamanda girl. I suspect that the real issue is I am not as imaginative as I would like to be. I cannot conceive of writing a dystopian novel, or science fiction. I write best from my own experiences and sadly my lovers, family and friends will suffer the consequence of having their lives thinly veiled, elaborated and exaggerated in a collection to be published one day I hope. I think a lot about the ethics of non-fiction writing. I change events consciously. Sex that occurred in a car with a musician becomes sex in a car with a poet. I become a 40 year old woman with a great body toned by hours in the gym, and a mass of short, spiky hair.

My writing mentor gives me feedback about one of my stories. It’s entitled ‘Getting a boyfriend”. Somehow she doesn’t quite believe that the protagonist in my story really wants a boyfriend. “Why does she want a boyfriend?” she asks. “Is it because she just turned 40?” “Fosua just seems so emotionally detached. Somehow I don’t believe that she actually wants a boyfriend.”

Image of Nana Darkoa by JK Photography
Image of Nana Darkoa by JK Photography

13 comments On On dating, and writing about sex

  • Christ. Now I’m scared. I don’t want to feature in any of your stories. You know TOO much!

  • writing about oneself can definitely be therapeutic and it does have a way of brining out that inner nana darkoa. Fantasy should be freed. Writing is liberating.As 4e dating scene,well maybe what you want is a fuck buddy, who can be there when you want, who understands when you dont want some1, and who gets you, respects and accepts that you are who you are With or without him. But then again, being emotionally unavailable could suggest a personal issue that only you can deal with and resolve, unless its a decision that you want to reverse at this point in time.i do however hope that this partner issue is not due to societal pressure,because in as much as we can turn a blind eye or deaf ears, societies we live in can influence our choices through what they say or think about us. If you are happy with yourself and your achievements,that is what counts.

    • @regina – Ha! The problem is that I have had way too many fuck buddies. And I am on good to great terms with almost all of them so they can all be recycled at some point in the future. Thanks for your comment though, and I appreciate your advise.

  • I think you problem is that you are afraid of commitment, you want to be independent and you don’t want to answer to any body. independent women sometimes needs a man at least if not for sex for protection and that security that comes from knowing that you are not alone. as for your writing one day ideas on what to write will come natural. good luck.

  • @Nana, lolest! I think you want a superman who has all the qualities of these fuck buddies! In as much as we say we go 4a specific type of partner, they r all different and they have qualities which attract them to us.@ kwunume, maybe its not fear of commitment, could be fear of acute boredom with one partner and then ending up settling 4 routine and the excitement dies.

  • Are you my twin? I don’t have many fuck buddies, but I have a problem settling down. And I’m tired of being told to get married. I’ve been married already three times (widowed once and twice divorced — I divorced both of there asses) and I just can’t do it anymore. I think at this point, I prefer a partner at the most or somebody who gets me and knows when to be around and when to leave. I know it sounds selfish but I’m tired of putting everybody else’s need ahead of mines. It seems that with marriage women get the short end of the stick and most of the benefits go to men.

  • @kwunume
    protection and security?? Pls elaborate, i dont think i get u

  • as an African , a woman always needs a man by his side , when you as a woman at a certain age is yet to get married your mother is always worried because she knows the importance of a man in the house. when you are once married for example you loss your husband certain things happen most time you hear the woman say assuming my husband is alive it will not be like this.

  • Lmao???? interesting

  • Your mentor might be 100% correct on the fact that you don’t want a boyfriend. The reality is that your “f—buddies are boy friends with benefits and what you really are looking for is a partner. There is a age limit for which the word boyfriend sounds so juvenile that it makes you feel insignificant. As a 40 + seasoned woman, I introduce and call the man I stand by as my significant other.
    With maturity comes the need to settle down with someone that can relate and respect you. How you translate that into your life, is up to you. However, you are ready for a partner because you have arrived into your own and can now share who you are. I say go for it!

  • Leslie nailed it there ^^

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