(First off – to our male readers – let me just throw an obligatory “not all Ghanaian men” in here before I begin. Okay. Now we’re ready.)
Long ago, I wrote about how Malaka the teenager found herself on the bottom half of a 69 with her 17 year old boyfriend one a hot, sweaty Accra afternoon. His parents were often out and his house was the only place we could have sex regularly without fear of interruption. On this afternoon, he wanted to try “something different”, so instead of laying on his back so I could suck him off he guided me to the floor and proceeded to direct me through the motions of congruent cunnilingus. His balls grazed my forehead as he slid his erection into my mouth, but before the moment of contact I glanced up and was horrified to discover a green ooze trickling down his testicles. I tried to wriggle away, but I was trapped beneath him and gagging on his cock in my mouth. That was my introduction to the 69.
Teenage boys don’t smell good in general, but they can be forgiven because they are teenagers. Their hormones are still trying to find balance. What is unforgivable is an adult male with body odor. Man-funk is a bio-hazardous grade gas, and should be cowed into submission with as much soap and as many baby wipes as one’s budget will allow. Sadly, many Ghanaian men don’t seem to understand this. Perhaps it is because they are impervious to the power of their own stink. A man ought to know better than to come out of his house smelling like straight ASS, and yet… Well, you’ve met (and smelled) them at the bank, the car wash, the parking lot – so you don’t need me to tell you.
The bedroom is one of the most intimate places two human beings will ever find themselves, and women are usually conscious to take great care to wash, dust and powder before they get hot and heavy between the sheets. So why can’t men wash up before they get into bed? This was the question a friend asked me yesterday before demanding I write this blog. She’s given me permission to share her story.
The lights had gone off, but I knew Nii was coming over later on that evening so I bravely took a cold shower knowing that he’d be wanting to fuck. That’s all I keep him around for anyway. Nii is my ex-husband, and since these Ghana boys are so hard to shake once you sleep with them, I outsource my physical needs to Nii. A vibrator is trusty and true, but it doesn’t always cut it. An hour later he showed up and started babbling about all the stuff he was going to do and how much he’d “missed me”. We had a fight 2 weeks before and I didn’t want to give him some then, but I knew my period was coming and he’s one of those dudes who gets all squeamish about blood. I knew it would be a while before I got any dick, so I reluctantly let him bang me.
When we got comfortable in bed, I fell asleep because I’d had a pretty busy day…and that’s when he nudged me.
“Ajo, get up and go and take a shower,” he said gruffly.
I sat straight up.
“What do you mean? I just took a shower an hour ago.”
“I can smell you. Go and bath.”
That’s when I lost it. I folded my arms around my chest and barked at him.
“Nigga…it’s a vagina. You’re expecting to smile like lime and roses, but this is PUSSY. It smells like PUSSY!” I beat my thigh for emphasis. “And while we’re at it, let’s talk about you! You come up in my house smelling like ass drenched in cologne with your pits all stank and with your stank breath. I’ve been telling you for years to go and see a dentist because your mouth smells like hell AND YOU WON’T. But you expect me to endure kissing you, don’t you?”
Nii was hurt, which means he got defensive.
“Oh, you see? In Ghana it’s not an insult to tell someone to improve themselves. I am just trying to help you improve!”
I sucked my teeth before telling him about all the different phases (and smells) a woman’s vagina goes through, but not before I blasted him and every Ghanaian man on the planet.
“All y’all expect us women to smell like a rose garden we fuck you, but you won’t even chew gum or wash your own ass before you stick your sweaty dick in us. Get out of my bed!”
Did Ajo and Nii fuck after that? I don’t know. I was too busy laughing to ask. But then I thought about the horror stories I had heard from two other friends who are women’s rights activists that have told me the same thing.
“Malaka, women out here are really suffering ooo. These women work in the market all day, only to come home to a drunk husband who crams his stinking dick in her mouth after she’s been hustling all day!”
I thought of the radio-active ooze my ex dripped all over me and resisted the urge to gag. At least his dick was crammed into my mouth in love.
So here’s my question to you Adventurers: is (Ghanaian) male body odor a problem in general, or just in specific and rare cases? Have you ever had to tell a man to go wash his balls before you could have sex with him? Have you ever gone down on somebody, wondered why he smelled like mushrooms and silently questioned why you were still there?