‘When sex ends when the man comes, don’t kill him!’ by Guest Contributor @ttaaggooee

Once again we found ourselves just inches off Osu’s one-way streets at our usual Attiéké location where three entrepreneurial Francophone ladies has set up their business. Selling Attiéké (akin to moist gari), complemented with avocado, fish, fried chicken, kelewele and of course spicy pepper sauce. Occasionally, these nutritious food on one table circled by young men and women with opinions on everything gets me smiling………and sometimes giggling. This time around, we chose not to talk about the President, or the ailing economy. We talked about sex, whilst we bit and chewed salty tilapia and pushed it down with some alvaro….well, others around the table chose to push their bites with something stronger.

It wasn’t surprising sex came up for discussion. We had just closed from BloggingGhana’s #ByTheFireside session which had Nana Darkoa present to a full room, her #SexingWhilesFeminist post. In Nana’s view, she felt sex shouldn’t end when the man reaches his peak or cums. I somewhat disagreed with that view (wait….don’t beat me up yet!!), and I had no idea it was going to be a topic for discussion an hour later when the Attiéké mafia convened at our usual joint in Osu. From Nana’s view, and this was perhaps a view shared by other members too around the table (mostly women) – when sex ends when a man comes, it somewhat deprives the other partner of his/her opportunity to also enjoy the sexual encounter. I partly agreed with that opinion. I asked if anyone of those around the table had ever heard of the term ‘refractory period’? To my surprise, not too many people knew about this. I thought it was important for men to know about women’s bodies just as it was for women to know about men’s.

I need to add that, I have really wanted to write about this topic much earlier, but many distractions came in my way. So please pardon the late publication of this article. There are three reasons why I feel, there is absolutely no problem if/when sex ends when a man comes!

1. The Refractory Period, think of it as ‘Man DOWN’ : Not to sound too scientific, the refractory period is a time immediately following ejaculation during which the man’s nerves or muscles are unresponsive to further stimulation. The nerves and muscles are not the only parts affected, his interest is affected as well. Depending on the individual or what he consumed prior to the act, this period could be anything from 1 minute to several hours. During this period, there is no point forcing the partner to contribute to the sex because he is basically ‘on vacation’. Most can’t give, and there is no point giving them anything. The best thing to do is to wait till the man gets out of the refractory period. In certain situations, the man gets back into the game when the woman attempts to arouse him again, but in majority of the instances, it is a futile effort. Considering the existence of this unfortunate situation, it may be unfair to expect a man to go down on you, penetrate you or play any active part in sex. It is not different from a man penetrating a woman when the woman is ‘not ready’ or interested. It is because of this very reason that women (at least those who can reach orgasm) can experience multiple orgasm whilst most men can’t. Partners who are armed with this info, tend to be a lot more patient with their partners, those who know very little about this phenomenon expect the man to ‘get up’, after his is ‘down’, and finish the job. More often than not, this leads to many other bitter conversations. I just thought I should share this info.

2. Try this : Woman comes, man comes, sex ends! What about that?

Even with the refractory period ‘challenge’ in my first point, it is important to achieve equity in sexual encounters, after all, is that not the main reason for engaging in intimacy? To avoid forcing the man when he naturally has no will-power, and to avoid a situation when the woman feels short-changed, here is a solution I proposed when we ate our Attiéké – what if the woman came first and then the focus was shifted on the man to also get to his point of orgasm? With this strategy, sex will indeed end after the man comes…..but the woman also did achieve her goal. I realised that the debate was not so much about why sex should end when the man comes, but rather about the woman being left dissatisfied whiles the men got what they wanted. So to solve this problem (mind you, this won’t work on all body types), perhaps it is important to keep the woman’s needs in mind, whiles we don’t forget the man’s ‘refractory period’ weakness. It is important through communication with one’s partner (rather than through porn and sex articles) to learn about his/her needs and weaknesses. That is the best way to arrive at equity.
3. Sex has no universal formula. It is an act between two (or among whatever number of people who decide to be a part of that activity) : I feel we are too obsessed with wanting our sex lives to be like the ones we see in porn movies,X-rated videos or sex articles we read online. Hey! Listen! Sex, is what you and your partner want it to be (FULL STOP) IF your partner is okay seeing sex end when you come, so be it. If s/he isn’t okay with that, then perhaps, that creates an opening for a frank conversations about what either one of you wants to get out of your intimate moments. Do not let what someone else feels or thinks about sex and how and when it should end cloud your judgement. With time, you will realise that men and women actually do not have the same expectations and definitely do not have the same body types. So, if a 6-inch penis is enough for you, so be it, if you’d prefer a bigger one, go for it, work towards that. I personally do not feel there is any universal agency which sets sexual standards for humans to follow. Most of the faux-pas you hear or read about, are created by influential activists in the community who prefer to let you feel you are losing out if you don’t enjoy sex the way they do. Keep in mind, the way they enjoy sex, is just one in a hundred thousand options! Look out for yours out of that bunch, and work toward it to your point of ecstasy.